My sons personality has changed drastically.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Spartan, Mar 29, 2019.

  1. Spartan

    Spartan New Member

    My sons personality has changed drastically. He is 19 and has been smoking pot from 16. He refuses to stop and he has become the worst behaved young man ever. No emotions for anyone but himself and his girlfriend. He is in college and he gets by buying papers and doing every underhanded thing but real study to pass his courses. He has suddenly become obsessed with designer clothes he acts like a narcissist and believes he is truly amazing in every way.

    He treats me like dirt when I do not agree with his wants or needs and he threatens to break up my home if I do not listen to him.

    He lives in a dorm and I honestly dread the times he is home to visit. I Love him and he has another side as well but there is something wrong with him. He gets so angry at nonsense and cannot take anyone disagreeing with him. He is obsessed with money. Always talking about rich people etc. I don't understand what's happened to him.

    I am mostly concerned about his temper and the pot smoking which he insists is not bad for him!!! He will not get help he will not listen to anyone. It seems he has forgotten how well he was raised and how much we all love him his older brother is devastated

    We may see him but we have lost him

    I am depressed and do not know what to do

    I listen to him and most of the time cannot believe this is my son
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Did some of his behavior start when the girlfriend came into his world? How long have they been seeing each other?
     
  3. InTheMoment

    InTheMoment New Member

     
  4. InTheMoment

    InTheMoment New Member

    Hey there, thank you for sharing. I am brand new here too and I really dont know what I should say because the only people I talk to about my son TyTy is those who have absolutely NO IDEA what its like to live with someone with conduct disorder.
    But, I want you to know that I am here for you. I feel your pain. I am here to support you. I think its pretty cool that you are keeping a relationship going with him, no matter how hard that must be for you, or how not-like your son he must seem.
    Jen
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Spartan. Welcome to you. I am very concerned for you about what is going on with your son. I am concerned more for you, than for him. He is acting badly. And yet your concern is for him. You have come to the right place. Here you will learn to think about your own welfare first, and that of your family. Your son is acting like a marauder. He can't keep doing this near you or on your dime:
    First. All of the above are extremely concerning. Threatening somebody with violence to their person or their property is a crime. You are his parent, not his victim.

    The first thing that needs to happen is that he cannot be around you behaving like this. Worrying about him, is not the priority. (Although we all do it.)The first concern is that he not treat you that way, or disrespect your home and family by this aggressive and disordered behavior. How will you take control?
    Stop paying for college! And don't let him come home. If he won't treat you with respect, ( not threatening you or your belongings, and acting in such a way that you dread his presence) he cannot be home. Actually, respect is the wrong word. If he can't threaten you or your property...is more to the point.

    I feel this strongly: If your son cannot or will not behave in a way that is non-violent, in word and deed, let alone decent and respectful and not self-destructive, he should not be subsidized in any way, to my way of thinking.

    How is he getting money to buy quantities of marijuana and designer clothes? Is he using your money? Could he be dealing drugs?

    This kind of behavior that you describe, sounds like somebody who has lost control and lost his moorings. He sounds headstrong and full of himself. And in my view, your support, financial and otherwise may be fueling this. Not causing it. But giving him the means to continue. This is not your fault. But there are things to do.

    Your leverage as I see it, is cutting off the money, and keeping him away from your house. I hear you saying that this situation has crossed the line into intolerable. Your son will not change as long as everything stays the same. He is showing you by his attitudes, behaviors, and words that for now he has no incentive or desire to change. This means that you will need to change.

    I am so very sorry you find yourself in this hard, hard spot. You cannot change your child, but you can change yourself. Many of us have found that when we change and learn to set appropriate boundaries and to make our own welfare, that of the family as a whole, and the sanctity of our home, the priority, that our children, in time, choose to change, too. But we cannot do it for them and we can't determine the timetable. We need to do it for ourselves, first.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    It sounds to me like he either has a mental health issue, like Borderline (BPD), or he is abusing stronger substances. You need to learn about boundaries and enabling, then set boundaries with your son and stick to them. It is very hard at first, but it is the best for both of you. If he is threatening you and not taking school seriously I hope you are not footing the bill. If you are supporting him then you need to write down your expectations and rules for him to follow to keep getting your financial support. Have him sign the document and if he doesn't follow through you MUST pull all financial support. Let him know you believe he is having mental health issues and a condition of your continued support is for him to meet with a therapist. Be prepared for him to step up his difficult behavior once you set boundaries. Think about what he might do and have a plan in place. My daughter would call my phones over and over, leaving screaming messages. I had to turn off my phones and ignore her until she could talk respectfully to me. Every time she was disrespectful I hung up. If you're concerned your son might really follow through on his violent threats you have to be prepared to call the police and have him arrested. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult and painful it is. Sending you peace.
     
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    First of all, I’m so sorry. It sounds dreadful. The others are very likely right. It might be best to consider cutting off funding for college if he can’t stop the cheating , pot smoking and disrespect.

    Boundaries, like probably always around here, will be of help.

    But it feels wrong (for lack of a better word) for me not to mention that when our son was refusing to study or do his math homework at all in a high school class, a psychologist recommended I let his tutor go. I questioned this. He told me I should tell my son that the tutor was for help. Not to replace real work. He still refused to lift a finger. It was disturbing. Since I had to make good in my threat, I fired the tutor. My son did horribly afterward. Both in the class and in ever way. He spiraled into a very bad place.

    There is not a great correlation between our two stories, but perhaps a teeny tiny one.

    I guess our son at the time could not study. Period. Could not do what I asked him to do. So, when I took away the one support he had, he fell apart.

    To this day I’m unsure if that was good advice.

    What it did reveal though was that the problem at that time was bigger and deeper than I ever imagined.

    I do t know if keeping the tutor, getting a different therapist and other supports may have helped. In other words...trying a different angle.

    Eventually we actually had to do “tough love,” type things . But I’m unsure if doing something that even in a small way caused him to collapse his junior year of high school was such a great idea.

    You will figure it out. Some things are a little uncertain and take much thought.

    But some things are for sure: setting boundaries are almost always helpful and never allow him to be abusive or unkind to you ...as that is horrible for you and in the long run, bad for him as well.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Nomad wrote a beautiful and thoughtful post.

    I kicked out my son about 7 years ago. Instead of 13 he was 23. People told me if I withdrew the supports, he'd begin to do for himself. Instead the bottom fell out of his life and mine. He became homeless. He developed a marijuana habit. He became seriously mentally ill. He went on SSI. He had a number of psychiatric hospitalizations. Our relationship, once wonderful became hostile and mistrustful. He became non-compliant with treatment for a serious illness.

    I tell you to raise two points. One. We have no control over what another adult does. This can and often does get a whole lot worse.

    But the thing is this. Most adults ultimately have to take responsibility to live their lives. One way or another. Adulthood for most does not and cannot bring full dependency, and autonomy at the same time. Our sons can't call the shots for everything on our dime.

    Why? It's very bad for them and bad for us. People get to live their own life story. If they do it in a way that is safe, respectful, collaborative, responsible and productive, they can do it near us. If not, they can't.

    And finally, our welfare counts as something. We are not nothing. We are not roadkill. We matter too. It's wrong to let our kids mistreat us.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 24, 2019
  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    My experience with kicking my daughter out (with my infant granddaughter) and pulling financial support is different. She was 19 or 20 when I did this. She floundered for a few years, living on people's couches, getting fired repeatedly, etc. But when she finally got tired of it or matured or whatever happened with her she figured it out. She got housing assistance and has maintained her housing. She got a job she liked and has had it for nearly 5 years now. She got rid of a long term, on/off boyfriend who was pulling her down. Most recently she enrolled in community college and made the dean's list. I'm very proud of her, but I know the next stumble could happen in minutes. I don't know that kicking her out and not financially supporting her made the difference, but I do know it made my life easier by tenfold and helped me focus on myself and my own health and happiness and peace of mind. Yes, it was scary and difficult at first. But once I truly accepted that she is an adult and I cannot control (or really even influence) her decisions I got healthier and happier.
     
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  10. Exhaustedat22

    Exhaustedat22 New Member

    I'm in the prosess of Evicitng my 22 yr old son. He does nothing, work or school. I'm not sure if this is the answer.
    At least your boy is in school for now. That's so much more than I can say for mine. I have no advie to give, only support to you.
    I hope for the best my friend.
     
  11. Endoftherope

    Endoftherope New Member

    Hello, I can relate to what you’re going through. My 20YO pot enthusiast smokes daily to “help” his anxiety and gut issues. He’s always been difficult as a child and teen but once he started smoking daily, for about 2-3 years now, he’s a different person. Lack of motivation, short fuse, not pleasant to be around AT ALL. Negative, stubborn, know-it-all. Is not working-never really has-and doesn’t want to! Says school is a waste of money. When he comes over to stay, which is rare, he sucks all positive energy out of the house. Luckily now he stays at his dad’s when he’s not at his apartment. His dad financially supports him, which is unfortunately totally out of my control. They say 26 is the age when boys mature. I’m hanging on to that hope...but the pot use and daddy moneybags definitely hurts matters! As mothers we need to protect ourselves with boundaries. These young men need to know that they CANNOT treat women with disrespect! Otherwise we are doing their future wives a disservice. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Know that there are others here that understand and support you.