My stepdaughter wants to move in!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lioness, Jul 1, 2015.

  1. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    my life is not my own. My 24 year old step daughter doesn't get on with her mother who wants her to leave and come live with my husband and I and my 23 year old daughter. I'm currently having trouble with my eldest daughter and we are in financial difficulty. Our martiage is under great strain. My stepdaughter only works for 2-3 hours a day! Not even part time! Her Dad - my husband pays her car payment of $200 a month! As she hadn't worked properly since last year in September! No wonder her mum doesn't want her! She lies around the house all day at her mums and waits for her mum to come home to make dinner! She and her mum have a very volatile relationship and his ex has tried to offload the dsughter on us for the last 12 years! I get on well with my step daughter but I know how messy and lazy she is. My Isn daughter coins and does her own washing. My daughter also has health issues as have I. I can't take the drama that comes with my step daughter as she is very highly strung, noisy and stays up late. We in the house go to bed early and like our peace and quiet. I work part time and my husband works hard. My daughter who is unwell works too. I heard that my step daughter thinks that I should find a full time job so her Dad doesn't complain about paying her car payment. She feels unsupported by him. Well I feel unsupported by my husband as she is moving in this weekend!!! I wanted to sell my house to downsize and get rid of the mortgage so we can get on with our lives. This now has to wait! I don't know ify marriage can take any more pressure. I love him but I'am tired it's been a tough year and it's not over yet! I know he feels bad as his daughter has nowhere to go but she should be working to support herself. We barely make ends meet and she will not contribute. How will I manage? I feel so tired. May I add that she left a great job with good money last year just because she wanted Saturday's off. She wants to find herself and what she wants with her life! Please God give me strength I left home at 17 years old and had just enough from my weekend Job to pay rent on one room, and I was still at high school and I passed all my exams so I could get a good job when I left. Which I did! I left home as I was being physically and mentally abused. These kids are entitled and lazy. Sorry just needed to get this off my chest.thanks for listening. By the way this is the same step daughter who is close to my borderline personality daughter who is currently torturing me so I will be sleeping with the enemy so to speak. I have always treated her well but I don't trust her anymore :(
  2. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I think a simple NO is in order. Just because other people want something doesn't make it our responsibility to provide it.
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  3. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I agree with you but it's so complicated. Since posting my Father is coming over from Greece for the whole month of August and wants to stay with me for at least 3 weeks! Can't take anymore. It just gets worse. He is 79 years old and has never been there fore me and never ever put a roof over my head. My mum brought us up with no money and abused us. He left us to it. Now he expects me to have him in my home again. He does this every year I can't do it. I told him to stay with my sister too this time but he said she's busy! So am I!!! I will explode!
  4. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    All I can say is WOW! I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand the added stress of having adult children home/move back home without a job, lazy, slobs, etc. My Difficult Child step daughter was kicked out due to a drug induced rage (on me). She had a job but the pay stunk and she would never try to get a better job - now I realize she didn't want to leave because she always met her supplier in the parking at her job. My daughter (not a Difficult Child but the biggest slob ever) moved out and was told she will never live with us again! Too stressful.

    My husband was given an ultimatum - either addict step daughter had to go or I would go. She's gone. Is your husband really that clueless how this is affecting you or does he not care?

    Sounds like dad is just that clueless. Tell him you're too busy, too sick, too tired, too stressed, too resentful...whatever it takes for him NOT to stay with you.

    Thinking of you and hoping things let up for you.
  5. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    My husband is a big softy. He likes to please everyone. I asked him "what about pleasing me? " he really is a good man but he has been at the mercy of his ex and his kids since forever. She had an affair when his youngest was 6 months so they divorcrd. She's a very selfish woman. We only got together 13 years ago and only got married 4 years ago as we wanted all the kids - 5 between us to grow up. Thereby not upsetting anyone and giving our second marriage a fair chance. My ex and his ex are equally selfish people who only care about themselves yet they are respected. We are always helping all of them yet we are taken for granted. I need to carry out our original plan to sell MY house and downsize, get rid of mortgage and get smaller place. Then we can do some travelling and live better. I tired of waiting for my life to begin. I have been responsible since aged 17 I now 52 enough is enough. She will move in there is no choice however i am putting my house up for sale tomorrow. Don't care if my husband doesn't like it. I am dreading my life every minute of every day. The only joy I have is working with my pre schoolers and if and when I get to see my Grand child. I also have my daughters university graduation this month and I'm so happy and proud. I not depressed just angry and fed up :(
  6. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    I get it. My husband is the same way. Too soft - especially when it comes to his daughter. He still enables her and gets mad at me when I point it out. We have guardianship of her 3 year old son so we really are starting over. My youngest just graduated high school and I really thought we would be empty nesters by now. I'm with you on the angry and fed up part. I think I am beginning to border on depression, though.

    I'm proud of you taking the step to list your house and take control of your life, your destiny. I feel like I have little to no control right now. My grandson pretty much controls any time I have off. Everything is based on his schedule (I am very strict on the schedule).

    I think what sparked my descent into mild depression (maybe it's just feeling sorry for myself) was this past weekend. I kind of had an epiphany. There was a music festival in town. Oh how I would have loved to go spend the entire weekend camping out and enjoying the music and festivities! But I couldn't. I couldn't because I had no one to take care of grandson and no money to go. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandson to the moon and back. The frustration is watching Difficult Child step daughter sitting back, not working, lazy, still acting like an addict, expecting handouts (and getting them) and having no concern whatsoever how all this affects everyone else around her.

    I so badly want to see a change in her so I can then see a light at the end of the tunnel that maybe someday she will be in a position to take care of her own child and we can fall back into the grandparent role where we see him when we want to - and then give him back to his mother when the visit is over.

    Pipe dreams...she's never coming back for him. I need to find some balance before I drive myself crazy and become so completely filled with resentment.

    Just know you're not alone. Take care of yourself. Stand up for yourself. You deserve it!
  7. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Stressed Mama I'm so sorry to hear of the hard time you're having. I feel for you. I used to have my two year old grand daughter every week overnight for two sometimes days. I love it but am exhausted. You have yours all the time which is a gift but also tiring. At the moment I haven't seen my grand daughter for 5 weeks as my daughter is playing games with me and I desperate to see the baby. My daughter has borderline Personality disorder and hates me at the moment. Do you not have anyone who you can trust to babysit even for a few hours? A good trustworthy friend? Yoir Grandson is so lucky to have such devoted Grand parents he will always love and cherish you. I too was looked after at a young age by my grandmother and I have always adored her she was my shining life and soft place. You will be the same for your grandchild and that is priceless. My husband can't change these he is and I love him but I just wish he would toughen up. The strain of all our pressures are awful at the moment. You are not alone. Be thinking of you x
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    the only way you'll get your own peace and life back is to say no. No to stepdaughter. No to father. No to abusive daughter. You aren't a hotel service and they wont' pay you or appreciate it.

    You also need to learn to stand up to your husband. "No, she can not move in" is enough. And stick to it.

    Sometimes people come here looking for advice, but they aren't ready or will never be ready to say no to others and yes to their own lives. This is not selfishness. These people aren't even nice to you.

    You have to either learn to say "no" and stick to it or you will have a really bad life. Most of us are working on saying "no." Most of us have trouble doing it, but we do.

    I don't know if you will get there or if you feel you deserve to serve everyone's needs but your own, but there is no other advice to give you except to tell you to go to therapy for your co dependence and to wish you well. If you aren't ready to say "no" then you are not going to change and your life will not be your own because everyone will see that you can't say "no" and will not respect you. They will just take advantage of you. Do you want this to go on forever?

    NOBODY can torture you unless you allow them to. YOU are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to be a doormat for everybody else.

    The choice is yours and yours alone.

    Maybe your ex's are not selfish, just demand respect and reasonable behavior from their grown kids. That isn't being selfish, it is being good to yourself and refusing to enable grown kids who refuse to grow up. I used to think that if I said "no" to anyone, especially family, that I was a horrible person. But I've been in therapy for years and know now that taking care of oneself is very reasonable and not selfish and that it is not good for others if you allow them to do what they will with you. Your husband should not have made a unilateral decision to let his immature daughter move in. He should not pay her expenses. She sounds like she is as selfish (yes, SHE is selfish) as your own daughter and neither will get better if either of you keep paying for them as if they were ten years old. Yes, I had a lot to learn, but I'm glad I learned it. I am happy and peaceful today and no longer the doormat I used to be, and I much prefer it that way. I think you would also.

    Hugs and hope you can learn how that you do not help others by letting them walk all over you. Same for your husband who is still paying for his grown daughter who won't work. Unless you two change, your life won't either and you will live for others until it's too late.

    I hope you get help for yourself and learn to say "no" to toxic situations like father coming and expecting to stay with you. And stepdaughter moving in. And daughter abusing you. You do have the power to stop all of this and so does your husband.

    Take that trip with him...and maybe move far away. Or expect no change in your life. Doing the same thing over and over again is a guarantee that nothing will ever change.

    Wishing you well, whatever you decide to do.
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    Last edited: Jul 1, 2015
  9. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Somewhere out there. I'm mad at you right now yet glad you state the truth. If i don't say no my life will never change. I want to say no and think I'm ready well almost. My husband is way behind me though he is so not ready. He is a people pleaser then wonders why he is so down lately. I think Iam losing respect for him And have told him that Iam fed up of us coming last. I am putting my house up for sale tomorrow. I have had enough I do not wAnt to be at everyone's mercy for any longer. I hope our marriage can survive. We wanted a different life for ourselves but we are being held back by our own good reliable selves. Bad things happen to good people. Bad people get away with more and do as they please. You are so right. Give me strength for the tough path I am taking I may end up alone. I will always love my husband and I know he feels unsupported in this thing with his daughter but I know we are being played. I can't face seeing her laying on my couch all day sorry I just can't. Maybe he needs to see this and finally explode.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you can love him, but he is destroying your health by his decisions.

    Maybe you can get your own place until things settle down. A nice one bedroom apt. sounds good :)

    I will not give you strength to put up with abusive people living in your house. I won't enable that. I will give you strength to tell your husband, "I'm done with this. No. She can not move in. It's my house too."

    I am cheering for you to have the right kind of strength and it is NOT the right kind of strength to let your health deteriorate while one abusive person after another takes advantage of you and your husband.

    Cheering for you to have the right kind of strength. What is so scary about "no?" Abusive people will be angry at you? Are they worth it? Who cares? You can go silent on them and not listen to their abuse. That is also a choice you have. Block their numbers and have peace. Tell Dad, who was never there, to stay at a hotel. That is a bunch of crapola, in my opinion. Or maybe I should call him sperm donor ;)

    Very gently I hope you do start to speak up for yourself. We can't live forever. At your age you know that.
  11. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    My husband has an apartment he Rents out, the one he lived in and owns before we got married. This is our pension but he feels that he will have to evict the tenants to house his daughter and give it to her! This will take 4-6 months. So our pension is gone! We were going to sell both properties and put x amount of money each to jointly own a property. So now he brings nothing my house is worth 3 times his apartment. We will lose an income and the extra money from the sale of my house was being put aside for a rainy day and for travelling. I'm feeling like a fool right now. I have worked since aged 17 and feel cheated. I Sound materialistic but am not, the point is his daughter is 24 and needs to stand on her own two feet. How will she pay the bills in the apartment if she isn't working? Will we? He is driving me crazy. He too is dreading living with her so I can understand why he's doing it. I think going mad!
  12. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    She's 24!!!

    She can move out and get her own place!

    Move in with you? What a load of ****.
  13. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Believe me I want to run and never look back I really do. But I always do the "right" thing for everyone but myself. I am a fool. I love my house but it is no longer a haven I feel like Iam being invaded. MY plan remains sell the house and buy a two bedroom property that is all I want so long as there's a garden for my cat and flowers. I wasn't going to sell till next year but my hand has been forced. If I say "no" to my husbands daughter I feel like it's the end for us. I have told him how I feel and made it very clear how unhappy and sick Iam. I can't tKe much more and he knows it.
  14. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    THANK YOU!!! X
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How is letting her move in the "right" thing? She is just going to vegetate. That's the right thing? Helping her act like an adult baby who is very selfish is helping her? On what planet?

    As nlj said, SHE's 24. LET HER GET HER OWN PLACE.

    You will be more peceful with your cats than with a husband who lets his kids move in whenever they get angry at their mother who, by the way, also has every right to throw out an adult child who refuses to work. I see her point. I don't see your husband's point though. Is he afraid of his kids? Trying to buy their love?

    Well, he can't. It doesn't work.

    He is making your lives hard, but he must be getting something out of it himself and he does need to change or YOU will face the consequences of HIS choices as well!

    We worked and they beaver's-build-it can sure work too. They are entitled only if we fund them.
  16. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I have nothing to add except that you are as always wise and right. I'm so tired that I feel defeated. My marriage is battered and bruised with all the pressure. He says that he had supported me through all the problems with my eldest Borderline (BPD) daughter and Iam not supporting him. I have explained to him that he is not helping her by letting her move in but he feels that he can make her get a job if she is here with us. She is a drama queen and a lot of hArd work so I'm not surprised her mother wants her out to. He is so used to saving the day that he knows no different. Have told him my intention to sell my house and downsize and he isn't happy as I'm buying a two bed property. He feels that I won't throw my daughter out. No I won't she's 22 straight out of university but working full time even though she has an auto immune disease and on drugs that make her very ill at times. She has her kidneys and liver checked every two weeks. She wants to save up to leave home in January next year with or without her boyfriend. Yet she is a pleasure and not a burden. His daughter is needy, rude and lazy. That is the difference. I need to toughen my resolve. Maybe I will end up alone so be it. I do not want to be at everyone's mercy. I will be charitable and let her stay but he will lose it with her eventually as he will not like seeing the reality of his lazy daughter. I have told him he needs to change I can't do it all alone we are supposed to be a couple. Tonight he is sulking!! Thanks
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Fear of being alone, sometimes makes us grovel to abusers so that at least we are not alone. I have that fear too so you are not alone. I seriously doubt if your daughter who is 22 will leave you. Sounds like she has the right stuff to make it in life and I don't blame you for letting her live at home since she is working and trying and my guess is she is also respectful. I'm sure you have friends and other loved ones...did you not say you have other grown children? They won't leave you.

    There is a difference between being totally alone and living alone. Living alone is not something I've ever done, but I think I could do it. In fact, I WOULD do it if it were a choice between nonstop drama and living alone in peace.

    You can tell your husband, "Yes, and I'm sorry we enabled my daughter as it has only brought grief. That does not mean one mistake needs to lead to another. If she moves in, I move out." Let him deal with her alone. He's not a younhg man. He will shorten his life. There is no reason for you to join in.

    You do not need to be charitable anymore. I was always very giving too. I feel I paid my dues and the rest of my life is mine. The rest of your life should be yours. You did your giving and got little back for it. Now it's time for you to relax and do what you want to do. Your husband will probably get sick of her, may actually grow some gonads and toss her, and then move in with you. But that is up to him. You can only control yourself. And you have done the giving all your life. It is far past the time when you should be paying some attention to yourself. Your kids and steps are adults now. They have to write their own life's journal, for better or for worse.
  18. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I refuse to move out its actually my house that I bought and paid for all by myself. He and his daughter can go! No seriously. I will miss my daughter when she leaves but I'm happy for her to live independently and I know she can do it as she's lived 4 hours away at University for the last four years and blossomed as a young woman. maybe it will be a good thing as he will have to deal with his daughter my stepdaughter and like you said grow some gonads! That made me laugh! He is a 6 foot 3 bear of a man with a heart of gold. But his daughter and ex have always manipulated him and situations. He has got better but he needs to grow some. This will be crunch time. Thanks for taking the time to talk sense into me.
  19. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You need to establish boundaries and enforce them. No is a complete sentence. You say your situation is complicated but it's not. People are taking advantage of you and you're letting them.

    Your husband is pleasing everybody except you - his queen who should be the first one he thinks about. His spinelessness is coming at your expense. He's giving away what you've worked your whole life for - your peaceful home. He came into the marriage with a plan to sell his apt and now he's giving it to his Difficult Child daughter. He's choosing to enable his Difficult Child over honoring the commitment he made to you.

    This is where your boundary needs to be. If he wants to enable his Difficult Child he's going to have to do it without you. And he's damn sure not giving away what you've spent your whole life working for. And tell "dad" that he can stay where ever he wants to as long as it's not your home.
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  20. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    I agree completely with the sentiments of done dad. My husband and I have only been married 7 years and when we first got together his daughter only wanted to spend time with his dad but not with me. (She was in her early 30s at the time) he did this for a few times, but then said to his daughter that he and me were together and that we are a package deal. My husband has had to stand up for me a few times with this daughter and ex. He was never a confrontational kind of person but when it came to us as a married couple he realized he isn't going to spend the rest of his life and grow old with them but me. I really do love him for this. I do think this has strained his relationship with this daughter, but he feels that she is the one acting childish and it is time for her to grow up and realize that she is no longer daddy's little girl and it is now a adult to adult relationship with her.
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