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My stepdaughter wants to move in!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 660388" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>the only way you'll get your own peace and life back is to say no. No to stepdaughter. No to father. No to abusive daughter. You aren't a hotel service and they wont' pay you or appreciate it.</p><p></p><p>You also need to learn to stand up to your husband. "No, she can not move in" is enough. And stick to it.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes people come here looking for advice, but they aren't ready or will never be ready to say no to others and yes to their own lives. This is not selfishness. These people aren't even nice to you.</p><p></p><p>You have to either learn to say "no" and stick to it or you will have a really bad life. Most of us are working on saying "no." Most of us have trouble doing it, but we do.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if you will get there or if you feel you deserve to serve everyone's needs but your own, but there is no other advice to give you except to tell you to go to therapy for your co dependence and to wish you well. If you aren't ready to say "no" then you are not going to change and your life will not be your own because everyone will see that you can't say "no" and will not respect you. They will just take advantage of you. Do you want this to go on forever?</p><p></p><p>NOBODY can torture you unless you allow them to. YOU are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to be a doormat for everybody else.</p><p></p><p>The choice is yours and yours alone.</p><p></p><p>Maybe your ex's are not selfish, just demand respect and reasonable behavior from their grown kids. That isn't being selfish, it is being good to yourself and refusing to enable grown kids who refuse to grow up. I used to think that if I said "no" to anyone, especially family, that I was a horrible person. But I've been in therapy for years and know now that taking care of oneself is very reasonable and not selfish and that it is not good for others if you allow them to do what they will with you. Your husband should not have made a unilateral decision to let his immature daughter move in. He should not pay her expenses. She sounds like she is as selfish (yes, SHE is selfish) as your own daughter and neither will get better if either of you keep paying for them as if they were ten years old. Yes, I had a lot to learn, but I'm glad I learned it. I am happy and peaceful today and no longer the doormat I used to be, and I much prefer it that way. I think you would also.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hope you can learn how that you do not help others by letting them walk all over you. Same for your husband who is still paying for his grown daughter who won't work. Unless you two change, your life won't either and you will live for others until it's too late.</p><p></p><p>I hope you get help for yourself and learn to say "no" to toxic situations like father coming and expecting to stay with you. And stepdaughter moving in. And daughter abusing you. You do have the power to stop all of this and so does your husband.</p><p></p><p>Take that trip with him...and maybe move far away. Or expect no change in your life. Doing the same thing over and over again is a guarantee that nothing will ever change.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you well, whatever you decide to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 660388, member: 1550"] the only way you'll get your own peace and life back is to say no. No to stepdaughter. No to father. No to abusive daughter. You aren't a hotel service and they wont' pay you or appreciate it. You also need to learn to stand up to your husband. "No, she can not move in" is enough. And stick to it. Sometimes people come here looking for advice, but they aren't ready or will never be ready to say no to others and yes to their own lives. This is not selfishness. These people aren't even nice to you. You have to either learn to say "no" and stick to it or you will have a really bad life. Most of us are working on saying "no." Most of us have trouble doing it, but we do. I don't know if you will get there or if you feel you deserve to serve everyone's needs but your own, but there is no other advice to give you except to tell you to go to therapy for your co dependence and to wish you well. If you aren't ready to say "no" then you are not going to change and your life will not be your own because everyone will see that you can't say "no" and will not respect you. They will just take advantage of you. Do you want this to go on forever? NOBODY can torture you unless you allow them to. YOU are torturing yourself by allowing yourself to be a doormat for everybody else. The choice is yours and yours alone. Maybe your ex's are not selfish, just demand respect and reasonable behavior from their grown kids. That isn't being selfish, it is being good to yourself and refusing to enable grown kids who refuse to grow up. I used to think that if I said "no" to anyone, especially family, that I was a horrible person. But I've been in therapy for years and know now that taking care of oneself is very reasonable and not selfish and that it is not good for others if you allow them to do what they will with you. Your husband should not have made a unilateral decision to let his immature daughter move in. He should not pay her expenses. She sounds like she is as selfish (yes, SHE is selfish) as your own daughter and neither will get better if either of you keep paying for them as if they were ten years old. Yes, I had a lot to learn, but I'm glad I learned it. I am happy and peaceful today and no longer the doormat I used to be, and I much prefer it that way. I think you would also. Hugs and hope you can learn how that you do not help others by letting them walk all over you. Same for your husband who is still paying for his grown daughter who won't work. Unless you two change, your life won't either and you will live for others until it's too late. I hope you get help for yourself and learn to say "no" to toxic situations like father coming and expecting to stay with you. And stepdaughter moving in. And daughter abusing you. You do have the power to stop all of this and so does your husband. Take that trip with him...and maybe move far away. Or expect no change in your life. Doing the same thing over and over again is a guarantee that nothing will ever change. Wishing you well, whatever you decide to do. [/QUOTE]
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My stepdaughter wants to move in!
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