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My story. The heartbreak.
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 713900" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Irishlizzee, I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I am so glad you found us here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My husband and I have had to call the police on our son several times. Same as yours, stealing and also for vandalizing our home.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course she blames you. This is a very common behavior in our adult difficult children. It's easier to blame us than to own responsibility for their poor choices. Key words here - THEIR CHOICES.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, this is very typical behavior. She is trying to use emotional blackmail. If she can make you feel guilty enough then you will "rescue" her by giving into her demands.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It's good that you see this for what it is, emotional blackmail.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If love alone could save these difficult adult children of ours we wouldn't need a site like this. Our love cannot save them. They will not change until they decide to change.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Feeling the guilt is normal but not needed. There is a saying about coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) I believe you are trying to come out of the FOG. It's not easy by is necessary to move on with your own life. No amount of money will solve your daughters issues. Trust me on this. My husband and I have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help our son. Money is not the answer.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for her life choices. You are giving yourself too much power. We as parents do not have that kind of power or control over children. I am reminded of when my son was a toddler and one of the first words he learned was "no". I could not control him or get him to stop saying "no".</p><p>We raise our children as best we can. We give them love and security. We teach them right from wrong. We do all these things and there is no guarantee of how they will turn out. I only have one child so I have nothing to compare to but I have read others stories here where one child is a dream and the other is difficult. They were raised the same.</p><p>Please try and step out of the FOG. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Again, your daughter is blaming you because she does not want to own her choices and actions.</p><p></p><p>There is a very good article on detachment at the top of this forum. Detachment does not mean that we stop loving our kids. I will always love my son but I had to accept that I needed to let go. I finally got to a place where I took my life back.</p><p>Here is a link.</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p>None of this is easy but you can get through it. You can be happy.</p><p></p><p>Let us know how you are doing.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 713900, member: 18516"] Hi Irishlizzee, I'm so sorry for what you are going through but I am so glad you found us here. My husband and I have had to call the police on our son several times. Same as yours, stealing and also for vandalizing our home. Of course she blames you. This is a very common behavior in our adult difficult children. It's easier to blame us than to own responsibility for their poor choices. Key words here - THEIR CHOICES. Again, this is very typical behavior. She is trying to use emotional blackmail. If she can make you feel guilty enough then you will "rescue" her by giving into her demands. It's good that you see this for what it is, emotional blackmail. If love alone could save these difficult adult children of ours we wouldn't need a site like this. Our love cannot save them. They will not change until they decide to change. Feeling the guilt is normal but not needed. There is a saying about coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) I believe you are trying to come out of the FOG. It's not easy by is necessary to move on with your own life. No amount of money will solve your daughters issues. Trust me on this. My husband and I have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to help our son. Money is not the answer. You are not responsible for her life choices. You are giving yourself too much power. We as parents do not have that kind of power or control over children. I am reminded of when my son was a toddler and one of the first words he learned was "no". I could not control him or get him to stop saying "no". We raise our children as best we can. We give them love and security. We teach them right from wrong. We do all these things and there is no guarantee of how they will turn out. I only have one child so I have nothing to compare to but I have read others stories here where one child is a dream and the other is difficult. They were raised the same. Please try and step out of the FOG. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Again, your daughter is blaming you because she does not want to own her choices and actions. There is a very good article on detachment at the top of this forum. Detachment does not mean that we stop loving our kids. I will always love my son but I had to accept that I needed to let go. I finally got to a place where I took my life back. Here is a link. [URL]https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] None of this is easy but you can get through it. You can be happy. Let us know how you are doing. ((HUGS))............ [/QUOTE]
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