My Story...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PrayForUs, Jul 7, 2018.

  1. PrayForUs

    PrayForUs New Member

    New here. And looking for people who understand. This is the loneliest place I’ve ever been...

    I (Jan 2018)
    And then there comes a day when he has hurt, lied and left so many times that when he turns again, all full of anger and blame, and heads out the door, down the walk, there isn’t a single tear left to tell him goodbye. So you just sit there in the window, in the silence, and watch him go.


    II (April 2018)
    When a son dies,
    There is comfort and consolation,
    Thoughts and prayers,
    Condolences and kindness in the form of casseroles and cakes.

    When a son leaves,
    There is only emptiness.
    Quiet where there once was chatter and laughter, argument and anger, remembering and planning.

    His face smiles on the walls, stabbing at the heart that struggles still to beat, with the gaping hole left there by the loss of him.

    But his name is never spoken because the pain of it would be too much to bear.

    There is no time for mourning.

    There are no memorials or eulogies or photo collages to remember happier times, to ease into the absence. No prayers, or even platitudes offered.
    When a son leaves, he is just gone.

    As if he never was.


    III (July 2018)

    I search for his face
    in their faces.
    The dirty ones,
    peering out from under
    piles of blankets
    even though the sun is high
    on this early summer day
    in Orange County.

    I know it will only get hotter.
    Harder.

    I used to wonder how they got there.
    Now,
    I know.


    (Mother of 3 sons, estranged from 24yo middle with- lifelong history of ADD/ODD)
     
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Prayforus and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. You have written a most eloquent piece that I can relate to on so many levels. I have two daughters, homeless, using meth. I, too see them in the lost souls on the streets and hope and pray they find their way to their true potential some day.
    Thank you for sharing a bit of your story so poetically. It is a hard road we travel when our adult kids go off the rails. The grief is far different than losing someone in death, yes, I have often written this. It is the not knowing, then the mind starts to fill in the missing pages as if to quantify the worry and angst.
    The puzzled look on friends faces when they think they know. My 84 year old mother asking during weekly calls if I have heard from my two. The sadness in her voice when I tell her all we can do is pray.
    The phone call I got today from my youngest daughter, letting me know her sister is in jail.
    They grow up in age, but maybe not maturity. I think my two are stuck at 15. Defiant adult teenagers, acting out and partying, claiming when in need that “we are family” and we are supposed to help, then ripping us off while we are not looking.
    There was no choice but to say no more.
    I was not going to blindly support drug habits by housing them. I was not going to allow the drama and chaos of their lifestyles infect my home and my young son.
    It is a hard reality to face.
    The emptiness I felt, and at times feel, sneaking up on me, I squelch with prayer. When I start to smolder with worry, sadness, anxiety, I pray. It is by this, I am comforted, because if I ask in faith, then I must believe.
    What I ask for, is that my two find their true potential, learn to love themselves completely enough to focus on good health and well being.
    I have come to believe that I must be the change I wish to see in my two.
    I have despaired a lifetime over their choices and consequences.
    Enough.
    I do understand that lonely place you find yourself in. Feel what you need to feel, let it out. Grief is never ending, it lessens with time, but it is there. If you find yourself paralyzed by it, seek help. I went to a therapist. There is Al Anon, websites, books. Posting here helps.
    I am so sorry for the ache of it. There are ways through it. One of them is to switch focus to what you can control, yourself.
    You are a gifted poet. Write it out.
    Find your peace in the little blessings surrounding you.
    The beautiful sunset.
    Your next breath.
    You have come to a place here, where many know the difficulties of this road traveled. Some of us further along the way than others, still walking the path.
    More will come and offer comfort. You are not alone. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    Welcome to our little corner.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Sorry for your sadness it is a mixed blessing when they leave. Part of us wants to know that they are safe and happy and the other is relieved but guilty we are enjoying the lack of chaos. Either way our emotions are up and down and every other direction. You need to take care of you. Find your own pursuits and do what helps you be it prayer, support groups, educating yourself or counseling. Prayers are with you.
     
  4. PrayForUs

    PrayForUs New Member

    Thank you for sharing your story, your encouragement, and your poignant words with me. It is such a comfort to talk with someone who knows what it is I am going through.

    The hardest part of this all is how isolating the experience is. Even though I have a great husband, family, friends, I feel so alone in this.

    I am grateful to have found a place I can find some comfort.
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I'm really sorry about your son. Please seek out support and try to take care of yourself.
     
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I triple what Crayola said. Sadly you can not change your son...but you can change how you respond to his life choices. Is it easy to focus off him and on yourself? No. Our maternal instincts are very strong. But we CAN do it. I recommend therapy. A neutral third person can really put things into perspective. Worrying about them doesnt change them and harms us. We are here for you.

    Light and love!
     
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  7. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Your story is so sad yet very much like mine I wish I could speak so eloquently your words are touchingly true but you are not alone I worked in an area that was full of homeless people and always thought how it could get to that point now I also know but as a parent you want to believe that it will change but looking at those faces makes it painfully clear probably not but always hopeful glad you found this site it helps take care
     
  8. PrayForUs

    PrayForUs New Member

    Thank you.
    I am sorry for your pain. It is a type of loss most people cannot relate to.

    I actually had a strange thing happen this week — had a late night phone message “from an inmate at the local correctional facility” that I could not identify.

    I tried calling my son. And he answered his cell (we keep paying for him to have one, trying to maintain a lifeline to him, but he rarely answers me or responds.)

    I was relieved that he wasn’t in jail.
    But also surprised that it seemed like he didn’t want to let me off the phone.

    Kept telling me that he loves me and he misses me. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Because he does that, and then turns around a week later and says I have never done anything for him and he never wants to see me again.

    But I’m praying every day that his heart will become unhardened and that God will be able to get in at last, and bring him back to us. So, maybe, I hope, this was a true sign that he is beginning to be changed. For good.
     
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I hope so too for you and all the others who are hopeful on this site.
     
  10. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

     
  11. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    My heart is broken for you.

    I can only say that on this site, you will find the most wonderful, caring, loving, empathetic people.

    We love you, we understand your pain and we care.
     
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