My teen is dealing drugs!

[Greenegal]

Hi there, I just joined because I need advice before my daughter gets home tomorrow or the next day and I don't know what to do. We got new phones today and the cell company mixed up the numbers so I had my 18 year old daughters messages, Facebook, etc... on my new phone. I read her messages and found out she has been dealing drugs! Special k, molly, mushrooms and perhaps pot and LSD. This my sound ridiculous but I don't know whether or not to confront her. She will most likely go into a rage that I read her messages and leave for days. She has run away before and it is easy for her to stay with friends and not come home for weeks. The most dangerous thing is for her not to come home at all. she is petite, pretty, young and thinks nothing bad can happen to her. At least now she is back home and going to the junior college. She wants to be a vet tech, and is doing something positive but the attending raves, dealing drugs, and doing some of them is so dangerous. I don't know what to do. If I confront her what sort of consequences can I possibly give her, the one thing I don't want to do is kick her out. help!

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there and so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. I don't know, however, that I can advise you to do nothing and not upset your daughter. in my opinion that will only encourage her to keep doing what she is doing and to end up in jail one day. Also, she is not behaving in a way that is healthy for herself or for you (and YOU matter too). Why are you afraid of her? If she leaves the house, what will make things worse for her? Isn't she already being unsafe even though you are trying to offer her comfort and support and lots of love? Anything can happen in her lifestyle even if she lives at home and it doesn't sound like she is there full time. She is eighteen and there is nothing you can do to protect her. Scary, I know! I was in the same boat once. But legally she can do what she likes and the drug lifestyle is dangerous, no matter if she lives home part time or not.

Hey...about Facebook. Aren't YOU paying for her cell phone? Then you have a right to check her Facebook, room, and cell phone whenever you like since she is living dangerously AND at home rent free. She is breaking the law. in my opinion you have every right to try to keep her safe by any means possible, including seriously invading her property. So she gets mad? Big deal. Don't YOU get mad? Does she care? Don't you deserve the same consideration?

Most of our drug involved kids need to hit rock bottom without our helping them in order to decide to change. She will not be able to make it at work if she has a record (which she is just about asking for) or if she is high on drugs (my daughter, who was an addict once, told me that if you use it you sell it...she's clean now with no reason to lie).

Can you tell us more about her story? Do you have younger kids at home? Are you getting criticism from some others who are making you feel guilty? Do you realize that this is 100% your daughter's decision and that you are guilt-free in this?

I believe it will be impossible to stop your child over the long haul from raging at you. Has she ever assaulted you or threatened to? If she has, have you ever called the police? Has she stolen from you?

I highly recommend going to Nar-Anon meetings for face time support. If you don't like Nar-Anon, find a good therapist to help you see things straight and take good care of yourself. You can only control one person...yourself. You can not control what your daughter does, but you can learn to live a fulfilling life in spite of your daughter's poor choices. She is not you; you are not her.

You deserve to be safe in your own home. Hugs and I'm really sad about your heartbreak and I know it is a REAL heartbreak.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I feel for you. this is serious on so many levels. One is her own drug use and the potential consequences of that. The other is the potential legal trouble she could get in which could be very serious for her as well. So no I dont think you can ignore this and do nothing.

So yes first find a support group for yourself..... there are seveal out there. I have found a great parents group through Alanon... but if you can find a group for parents that will probably be a big help.

So I do think you need to confront her in some way. I think you can think about how to do this, so it does not have to be done today before you have thought it through.

A couple of thoughts.... some people have used interventionists to confront their kids about drug use and their need for help. This might be one way, although it sounds like you yourself have not been directly affected by her drug use yet as she is doing well in junior college and sounds like her behavior at home has been ok. But it might be one thought.

Another thought would be to call and talk to someone at your local police department anonymously..... ask them what their suggestion is. Of course a lot will depend on where you live and what your PD is like.... if you do this I would call from a phone other than your home phone... unless of course you are willing to turn your daughter in which I am guessing you are not.

If you have any close friends or family members who are either cops or lawyers maybe ask them to be there when you talk to her to sort of let her know the realities of what she is doing.

The thing with drug use is that doing nothing can be more dangerous than doing something. If we enable our kids to keep doing drugs then that may be what leads to them dying.... you cant necessarily stop them from doing drugs but you can stop doing anything that helps them continue to do drugs. So cut off financial support or use of your car etc. can be things you can do.

Let us know what happens. All of us on this forum have been there.

TL


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[Nancy]

I agree with MWM and was thinking the same thing. Your daughter is dealing drugs and you are afraid to confront her? Isn't that what she hopes you will do...just ignore all the signs even when in right in front of you. You have to confront her. If she runs she runs. Dealing drugs is not going to get her anywhere good so it's deal with it now or later. You can't have her dealing drugs from your house or you are liable and can be prosecuted also. The consequences you can give her simple, if you are involved in drugs in any way you cannot live here. You are paying for her phone, there is another consequence...no phone.

I don't mean to sound harsh or that I don't understand how hard this is because I do. But when my daughter was doing drugs and these so called friends of hers were selling them to her right under their parents noses it made me realize thatif more parents didn;t close their eyes to what was going on maybe more of our young people who not become addicts.

 

[DDD]

I'm sure you are seeking support that will assure peace in your home and the reassurance that your young adult daughter will remain safe if she lives with you. Sadly those of us who have been there done that know that it is necessary to stick with the rule "no drugs or drug friends in our family home". Many of us have kids who are so accustomed to the many freebies and comforts of home that they will at least opt to stay with the family and do their illegal deeds away from the house.

SO...I suggest that you get informed and seemingly unemotional and then confront her. Make sure that she understands that the Court system does not care is she is cute, polite and has a 4.0 average. If she gets caught she will be a Felon and will not be hireable except for minimum wage work. Do remind her that the government agencies now are doing electronic monitoring so her FB and her phone messages are available for law enforcement.

in my humble opinion it is best to remember the old motto "Don't ever let them see you sweat" or cry. Cry into your pillow or in the shower but not in front of you s.a. child. I'm sending hugs and good luck wishes your way. I'm really sorry that you have had to find us. DDD

 

[Greenegal]

Thank you so much for caring enough to respond everyone. I greatly appreciate it. My daughter is (luckily) the only child in the house. Her father moved out of the country to avoid paying child support and taxes so I'd rather not involve him in this, I doubt if he would be a helpful influence. My husband/her step dad already dislikes her and has no tolerance dealing with her and she can't stand hearing anything from him.
When she was 16 and had a boyfriend she stopped coming home for days at a time. On the advice of a therapist I gave her the ultimatum of being kicked out if she left the house when she was on restriction or didn't come home at night. The very next day she left without telling me when she was on restriction so I kicked her out. At that time her dad lived a few towns away and I told her to pack a big and called him. He came down to get her but she refused to go with him and just left on her own. She knew she could come back at any time if she followed the rules but was happy to live with her boyfriend in his car or stay with friends. She lived like that for 2 months, sleeping in his car, panhandling, doing god knows what. (A modern day white middle class grungy hippie. I was in high school in the 70's and she now looks just like I did!)
Anyway, if I kick her out she will probably never come back again. I don't want to do that. I took a class for parents of difficult teens and they had a lot of useful information but it was too late. I should have done it when she was 12. One thing they said in that class is that you should never kick them out. Do everything but that. Once they know they can leave whenever they want and aren't scared to do so you lose all your leverage. I've taken away the phone, computer,etc... and she is so stubborn and determined to win a power struggle she won't give in, she just digs her heels in. Or leaves.
I think narcotics anonymous might be a good idea if I can get over the humiliation and go. I am an early childhood educator, have taught thousands of children/families over the years and would be so embarrassed to see anyone I know there. Ironic isn't it. Does anyone know how I can hire an intervention specialist? I probably can't afford it but I want to look into it. Any other advice for dealing with her and finding something that can be a consequence? How can I confront her without some ultimatum or consequence? Thank you soooo much for your thoughts and feedback. <3

 

[MommaMia]

Greenegal, you have gotten so much good advice here. I know that at 18, it is going to be hard for you to have control of your daughter and this situation. Go to Narcotics Anon ASAP. You will have fall out when you confront her, there is no way around it.

You need some sound advice from a professional. I would go to Nar. Anon and ask for some advice and insight, and consult with a therapist of your own ASAP about what you can do to help your daughter. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[Greenegal]

Do you think I should research this more and go to meetings before I confront her?

 

[BusynMember]

I don't agree about the kicking her out. If she is a minor, yes, but you already have no leverage over her. She does what she wants and puts you at risk in your own house by doing illegal activities. One very hard thing for all of us to accept is that we have 0 control over our grown kids. We can only control one person...ourselves. Your daughter will not listen to you just because s he can come home anytime she wants. In fact, she may think of you as weak and lose respect that you allow her to treat you the way she does.

Not saying you SHOULD kick her out, but there comes a point where many of us find it's for the best for our adult children. Otherwise many of them surf off of us and never grow up. And our own health and well being can be severely affected. You matter too!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I don't agree about the kicking her out. If she is a minor, yes, but you already have no leverage over her. She does what she wants and puts you at risk in your own house by doing illegal activities. If she is dealing drugs she is in touch with some very dangerous people who would not mind breaking into your house. Do you have a security system? Your daughter is not safe, in spite of your allowing her home. The difference, the only one, is that she is putting you at risk too. My daughter had many people after her. We didn't know it, of course, but she told us about her "exciting" life in Drugland after the fact and there was at least one person who was threatening to kill her if she didn't pay up for some drugs. She lived at home, but she still was not safe. She was not safe until she quit her lifestyle and that still may not have been enough...she left the state!! Are you ok at being put at risk? Nothing against your daughter...ours did it to us too. When they are in Drugland, they do not think much.

One very hard thing for all of us to accept is that we have 0 control over our grown kids. We can only control one person...ourselves. Your daughter will not listen to you just because s he can come home anytime she wants. In fact, she may think of you as weak and lose respect that you allow her to treat you the way she does. When my daughter was either late eighteen or early nineteen, we caught her having a drug party in our home and finally packed her bags. She panicked and called her brother who is very straight and lived in another state. She got him to let her stay with him knowing that, unlike us, he would be a zero tolerance kind of guy and throw her into the street penniless if she so much as lit up a cigarette in his home. She quit cigarettes there. She quit everything. But her life was not comfy, cozy at her brother's house. He made her work hard, pay rent, walk to her job in all kinds of weather, and clean the house. If she had stayed with us, knowing I was softhearted toward her, I don't think she would have quit everything like that.

Not saying you SHOULD kick her out, but there comes a point where many of us find it's for the best for our adult children. Otherwise many of them surf off of us and never grow up. And our own health and well being can be severely affected. You matter too!!!

 

[toughlovin]

Greengal,

I would try to find a group (either alanon or naranon) specifically for parents. I know my alanon group for parents is really dealing with any substance, doesnt have to be alcohol. As far as running into someone you know, most likely they are there for the same reason so really no need to be embarrassed. And you need to take in that this is not your fault. I think we can all look back and feel guilty about something but really many many good parents have troubled kids.

I wonder when they said never kick your kid out? I wonder the circumstances really? I mean sometimes there is really no other choice. We did not want to kick our son out either but he would not follow any of rules (which were extremely reasonable) and was blatantly violating them. Plus we had a younger child to consider. The world is full of rules and if you cant follow rules and continue to defy them then there are consequences. Unfotrunately for my son it is a very hard lesson to learn and he is learning it via the court system!!! So I dont think you do them any favors by letting them continue to live in your home, blatantly violating rules and doing drugs and living by their own rules.

What I will say with my son is that at various times I am sure he has hated us, felt abandoned by us and yet we have always continued to let him know we love him. Even when we kicked him out, I would text him that I loved him and cared about him. He ignored me until he got arrested but then he called. So when he would hit bottom and was ready for help he would call and we would help him get help. We still have a relationship (not a great one) but it is a relationship. He knows we love him and support him. I think now at the age of 22 he knows he has gotten himself into the situation he is in (on probation, in a long term treatment place which if he leaves will mean jail), and that we really do love him and support him.

That is all a long way of saying if you set the rules and boundaries that your daughter must live by to live in your home, and she chooses to ignore them then she is choosing to leave your home. Then you let her go, let her know you love her, wont enable her bad behavior but will always be there when she wants help. Believe me living on couches and panhandling does get old eventually. My son has lived on the streets and definitely lived by panhandling. He also grew up in a upper middle class town and it is shocking to me that he lived this way but he did and he learned to survive. You really cant protect them from themselves... all you can do is not make it easier for them to self destruct.... and an important part of that is setting boundaries about what is acceptable behavior if they live with you.

TL


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[MommaMia]

I would consult with a professional ASAP on how to confront her. She may have to leave your home since she is 18. You may not have a choice, if she won't abide by your rules. What choice do you have? You can't let her continue illegal behavior under your roof. But you have some time before you make that decision. Take it step by step, with the first step being getting help on HOW to confront her.

 

[Greenegal]

I think I should be more prepared to confront her but she has come home and is now requesting a ride downtown. If I didn't know what I know I'd have no problem with giving her a ride. I can't decide if I should pretend everything is fine until I am ready to confront her knowing she is probably going to go do something she shouldn't.

 

[toughlovin]

This is a hard position to be in.... I dont know what you should do about the ride. I do think this confrontation is important and you do need to be prepared before hand.

I think my suggestion (but agree getting some professional help is a good idea) would be to come up with some kind of contract that spells out the rules she needs to follow to live in your house... and if she breaks those then what happens is clearly stated.. One of those options if something happens is treatment of some sort. The other option of course is that she not live with you. That way you are not just kicking her out... you are giving her a set of boundaries (reasonable ones) that she needs to follow to stay living with you. If she chooses to not follow those rules then she is choosing not to live with you.

We did that several times with my son... and of course he always broke the rules but at least then when he left, he knew it was his own doing, not that we were just uncaring parents.

It also means that if she leaves but then wants at some point to come back home, you have clearly stated what she needs to do to come home.

My other thought is that when you do confront her, be prepared to call the police if it gets really out of hand. When my son was 18 and blatantly violating our rules, I told him he had 2 weeks to show us he could follow our rules or he would have to leave. He got really nasty and threatened to bash my teeth in. At that point I left the room, cried my eyes out, collected myself and went to the police and set up a time they would come and remove my son from the house. I didnt call 911 because previously when i did that he ran and hid and had threatened to do that again. So when my son was 18 I was in a similar place that you are in right now. My son is now 22 and it got worse before it got better...... but I do live in peace in my house, my easy child daughter is doing well and I am going on with my life. And I do have a relationship with my son.

TL


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[Greenegal]

She kept pushing for a ride and I just couldn't do it. I confronted her about dealing drugs and of course all she tried to focus on was the fact that I read her Facebook messages and that she would never trust me again, etc...I can't bring back all that was said but I stayed calm, told her I haven't decided what I was going to do yet but cannot enable her to do such dangerous behavior. I told her I was going to talk to some professionals and that if she didn't talk with me I would have to include her dad and other family members in the conversation. That got her to stay in the room at least but she didn't really say much. It was mostly me talking about it being a felony, that she will get caught, have a record, jail, etc...After some of my questions she did say she was doing it for the money and will stop when she gets her certificate or full time job. That is several years away though. (I've never had enough money to give her a decent allowance). She said she only sold to friends and wouldn't get caught. Ha! I had a hard time not laughing at that one. Magical thinking of a child. She threatened to move out. All I can think of is her on the streets or in some flop house, getting sexually assaulted or learning to become more of a criminal or killed. Oh god. This is too much. I'm a wimp if I do nothing but I can't just cut her off. After she came home last time at my behest I told her I regretted it (and I do, it wasn't bad enough at that point), that I was only doing what the therapist recommended but that it was the worst decision I ever made. I told her I would never do that to her again. From her perspective I keep going back on my word and breaking her trust. At least she didn't rage too much. I am going to talk to someone and go to a meeting but don't know what else I am going to do.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok. Wait a second.\

Um, my daughter tried that. I told her I had searched her room. She started whining about the privacy thing and I told her she had broken MY trust and that this was my house and if s he wanted privacy she would have to earn it back and that it would be hard.

My daughter lived at home, but she WAS sexually assaulted. It was actually her second time. Some of her "friencds" dragged her into a park...I won't go into the rest. She didn't tell on them nor tell us until long, long after she quit. You can't protect her by letting her stay at home, although that is your choice. You CAN get into trouble if somebody calls the cops (like a friend's parent) and they find drugs in YOUR house. As long as you are afraid of angering your daughter, she is not going to quit doing anything.

None of my kids had a good allowance. We barely get by. There is no allowance in my house. My kids get part time jobs at age sixteen. All of my grown kids have great work ethics because of it! They all work hard. Only one did drugs and never mentioned finances as a reason. She actually had a part-time job at Walmart. She is twenty-nine today and has her own house with her SO of elevin years and is expecting a baby. She is doing really well. But I digress... Your daughter is learning that she can break the law anytime she wants extra money.Has she heard of a job? You do know that dealing drugs pays way better than being a Vet Tech, right? Do you think your daughter will be satisfied? Hon, I don't want to hurt or scare you, but what if your daughter decides it's best to be a prostitute to make a buck? She needs somebody to crack down on her and make her live a responsible life. It isn't good in my opinion to think it is ok to risk herself to make money.

Personally I found therapists useless. My daughter "played" them and they told us worthless advice like we should trust her more, which was ridiculous. My daughter threw that at us and we said we disagreed and that she had to give us a reason to trust her. I think you'll get more productive, helpful advice from people in the drug world. If you want to use a professional, I'd talk to somebody who understands drug addiction...a drug counselor maybe.

I called the police twice on my daughter. She quit using. She started using at age twelve and quit when she was nineteen. And she at least felt bad about using drugs. Your daughter is acting like she doesn't even feel bad about it. And, trust me, she is not just selling to her friends. As my daughter says, "Never trust a drug user. They lie." She lied too. She would look me straight in the eyes, be crying, and be lying.

Did your daughter apologize to you? Promise to do better? Ask for help? No. You apologized to her although actually you had been very mild about your reaction. I would have threatened that she quit or I'd call the cops because I loved her and don't want her to keep endangering herself...(I'd put it that way). Sure, she'd scream and leave, but.....do you really want her to keep doing this? Do you want this to be her life? Hey, you can not control her, but you don't have to be a part of enabling her self-destruction. I used to think about how guilty I'd feel if I didn't do anything I could to make my daughter's self-destruction very hard on her...

You don't need to answer here on this forum. Just think it over yourself.

Have you read the article we post here on detachment?

Hugs and I'm so sorry...really sorry...you have to go through this. I do feel you need to get tough in order to see an attempt in your daughter to change and THAT is what will keep her safer. I wouldn't ever give her money! She will use it for drugs.

More hugs.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

There is no allowance here, either. For me, you contribute to the house because you live here. You want cash? You get a job and earn it like the rest of us...

Welcome. I am so sorry you had to come searching for our part of the world here but you found an AMAZING place to land.

My opinion as the mother of a former drug dealer? I think you really, really need to attend an al-anon meeting. You are way too frightened of letting your daughter hit bottom and that is what needs to happen before any kind of change is going to happen. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Why in the world would she quit selling drugs?? She has a cozy home, all of her needs met, is making great money selling drugs and knows her mother is going oto be her doormat no matter what. My daughter will still mention how hard she has to work for so little at her current legit job versus the money she had selling drugs. (She would never go back to that life now, though). There is absolutely no incentive for your daughter to stop. And yet I also have to add that kicking her out will not exactly make her stop, either. We gave our daughter the ultimatum of attending rehab or leaving our home at age 17. She chose to leave. She couch surfed and sold drugs for almost three more years. Then she got pregnant and then finally got into legal trouble. I took advantage of that time to get her help. She was locked up for the duration of her pregnancy because she could not be trusted to not use while pregnant. She gave birth while still in custody and spent two glorious days in the hospital falling in love with her baby. She was then transported back to jail while I took her baby home. She was away from him for a week. It was the most devastating, heart breaking thing I have ever had to witness. She was mourning in jail. She made the decision then that she wanted NOTHING to do with drugs ever again. She came back home to raise her son and has been a COMPLETELY different woman ever since. She makes me proud now - SO proud. She does't even smoke cigarettes (not that she had a choice on that one - I will not allow a smoker to live in my home.)

But, my point is, something normally HAS to happen in order for them to WANT change. The only time things are going to change for them, is when they WANT it.

(((HUGS)))

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Greenangel.

First I just want to say sounds like you handled it great. You stayed calm and clear which is a wonderful first step. It is probably very likely that your daughter is lying to you about only selling to friends.... she obviously has connections to get the stuff, which is scary enough. And this bit about her not trusting you is total manipulation on her part, much better to put it on you, then deal with the fact that she has completely violated your trust.

I think getting tough in this situation is a process... and we all get there in our own way. It is heart warming to read PGs post because if you go back and read her posts in the archives you will see she has been through the ringer and it is so great to hear how well her daughter is doing now. Many of us have been through this and you can see the process we have all been through if you read the archives from the last couple of years... i particular I am thinking of Nancy, Kathy, Patriotsgirl and myself (Toughlovin). We all have kids who have serious substance abuse problems and we all have had to get tough with them and I think all of us have had to tell our kids they cant live with us at one time or another. It is heartbreaking and if you go back and read you will see some of the heartbreak and desperation we have all felt. We truly do understand the pain you are in. It is the worst thing (other than death) that a parent can go through I think.

My son is currently in a long term residential program and the director recently told us at a parents support group meeting that without desperation there is no change! I think that is true. MWM daughter did do it on her own so that can happen..... but that has not been the story with my son..... and he has hit real bottom several times. Each time I hope this is it and I am still hoping. What I do know is that all I can do is let him know I love him and will always support him in gettng help. The rest is up to him.

And the bit about your daughter selling drugs because she doesnt have enough money (ie you dont give her enough) is a bunch of baloney!! I have one kid who at age 22 has only had one or two short lived jobs... and one kid who got a job as a junior in HS and kept that job through HS and now works there when home on breaks!

I think most kids who get seriously invovled in drugs get involved in dealing in some form or another. I was shocked last night to hear from my daughter that there were rumors in HS when she was a freshman that my son was dealing!!! I never knew that and was like why didnt you tell me??? Duh.... I knew he had a drug problem but didnt know that.

Bottom line you cannot trust your daughter and right now you cant believe anything she tells you about her drug use or her dealing.

Hugs I know all too well how hard this is.

TL


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[MommaMia]

Any new updates? Don't blame yourself regarding the allowance, Green. She is 18 and can get a job. She is going to get into serious trouble if she does not stop dealing immediately, which I think you are very aware of.

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome to the board. I am the Kathy that TL referenced in her post. My daughter started her long decline into substance abuse when she was about your daughter's age.

I let fear keep me from facing the hard truths for a long time. Instead of helping my daughter, I just put off the inevitable. We would kick her out and then relent and let her come back home. Each time we thought things were better only to find out she was still drinking and using.

She progressed from pills and pot and alcohol to heroin last year. My difficult child OD'd on heroin on our living room couch and my husband found her in the nick of time. He and the lady that was there to clean our house took turns doing chest compressions which kept difficult child alive until the EMT's could get there and administer Narcan which brought her back around.

Ironically, almost losing her finally gave us the strength to do what finally seemed to work. Here DBT therapist told us that she needed long term residential treatment in a dual diagnosis center. We called them and they gave us three names of Interventionists in our area. We used one to help us finally get our difficult child out of our house (it took a temporary protection order with officers coming to our house telling her that she had to leave) and off to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Our difficult child stayed in Florida after completing the 3 month residential treatment program and the follow up intensive outpatient treatment. She has a full time job now and is financially independent of us for the most part. She told me at Christmas that she had just celebrated her one year sobriety date.

One important component to her recovery was telling her that she could not ever come home to live again. Her treatment team made it clear to her that going back home to live was not their recommendation which made it easier for us to say no.

Of course, my difficult child is ten years older than yours. However, I wish we had taken this stand years ago instead of enabling her drug and alcohol use. If I were you, I would tell your difficult child that you will only support her if she is in rehab or a sober living facility and that you will not let her live in your home while selling and/or using drugs.

One more thing, I tried Al-Anon a couple of times and really did not like the meetings. However, I did start going to a therapist to help me set boundaries with my difficult child and stop enabling her. It has been a tremendous source of support and I don't know how would have survived the past year without her.

Keep posting, too. We have walked in your shoes and really understand what you are going through. We are here to listen and offer support and advice.

~Kathy