My Trip Home & My Mom.......very long sorry

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Aug 12, 2012.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole and I headed to my hometown Sat morning, a 6 hour trip to Illinois, to see my Mom who had been literally begging me to come home.........then had drummed up some legal/money issue to make me think it was an urgent need for me to come home. I have seen my Mom at least once a year, but the last time I stepped foot in my hometown was 15 yrs ago. Money, cars that wouldn't make it, life in general getting in the way.......the fact that I hate the drive, lots of reasons. But the girls had promised my teary eyed mom last year when she visited us that we'd visit her this year, and well, I have an issue about promises. If I make a promise, I keep it. No excuses. (I rarely promise anything for this reason) So......Nichole mapped out a rural highway route and we headed off. Timing made it so that we were able to get there on her 75th birthday.

    The drive with Nichole was quite simply a blast. She'd never driven that distance before and she successfully navigated the cincy interstate just fine after only 2 hrs of sleep. We did great following her mapped out route. It was lovely scenery along the way, no boring put you to sleep interstate.

    The joy in my Mom's eyes when she answered the door was worth it. Honestly it was. Each time I see her though it's like a fist in the heart because since I don't see her often I notice every new change.

    I noticed almost immediately she can't keep straight who she is talking to (by name I mean) or who she is talking about......I'm not quite sure if she doesn't sometimes forget who you are for a few minutes. I also noticed immediately, because I had an overfull bladder, that she is writing her name and address on every single object she feels she either needs or wants to keep from a bottle of Lysol floor cleaner to pillow cases. (no joke that was disturbing to see) I asked her about it and she said it's because people keep coming into the house and taking her things. Random items from valuable things (to her at least) to silly little items no one would possibly want. This part is the paranoid schizo junk I've deal with my entire life, so at least I'm familiar with it. It disturbs me because it means it's reached a whole new level. But I know why it has. She shows the classic signs of dementia. So with "forgetting" often........yeah. And she does forget often. I thought my short term memory was bad until I saw hers. omg Not all the time. Hers seems to be random too......but I noticed an increase when there are more people around and she's trying to do more than one thing at a time. (including talking to more than one person at a time)

    These are not things I've noticed on the phone. Most likely because she's only talking to me. And well, when she does the name mix up thing I just attributed it to age and inserted the right name myself and thought nothing of it. Because shoot I didn't threaten to name easy child Talisasue (Tami, Lisa, Sue) for nothing. She's always had times when she mixed up our names. Know what I mean?? But in her home......with other things I saw.......dementia. She's not only forgetting but losing time and mixing up sequences of events. That was an eye opener. Mom neglects to tell me when she has medical procedures done. I found out about the hip replacements and cataract surgeries after the fact, same with the heart surgeries. Fortunately my eldest sis came and took care of her. While sis is not exactly the most mentally stable person either (bipolar unmediated) she did take pretty good care of Mom during that time. She walks just fine. But many years back she fell and the way she landed face forward hands down on the pavement shattered both arms & shoulders. The next year, she did it again. After that she regained use and seemed to be fine well.......I didn't notice much last year but she came here and she just sits and visits so I'm not going to see much either. It's agony for her to move her hands up above her shoulders. I have no clue how she manages to do her hair, even to brush it or to dress. It does explain her new obsession with button front shirts when she used to hate them. She can't lift a pot to the stove without much difficulty.

    Driving.....omg. It's not her eyes now, even with the glaucoma. Once she had the eye surgery for the cataracts she sees better than I do. It's the well heck I dunno what it is.....confusion maybe? I asked her to take me to some of the places of my childhood. We could've taken Nichole's car except mom loaded it down with possessions. (I'll get back to this) So Mom is driving. Now I grew up in a rural city of about 100,000 people. But I spent as much time in smaller rural towns where my grandma, mom and aunts and uncles grew up. I wanted Nichole to see the small town that her great great grandfather founded, which is also where my grandma is buried. So she's driving through town and it's not so bad except by now I've realized turning it hard for her because she has to ooch the steering wheel due to her shoulders. Several times I had to help her make turns from the passenger seat while pretending oh I just do this everyday for people, ya know. omg We get out of town. These are rural highways she's driven her entire life. We come to a place in the highway where they've made a turn lane with a medium for the opposite direction........she's chatting away and she took the wrong way around the medium and was now driving on the wrong side of the road. I didn't freak because there was no other traffic except us at the time. (thank god) Instead I calmly said Mom you might want to get over on your own side of the road and be careful not to over compensate when you do it...........and I got to the not over compensate part when she DID over compensate and jerked the car so hard that I thought I might have to take control of the wheel. But I kept talking calmly to her as if I have near death misses like that every morning after one cup of coffee and she calmed down and did ok. But she was confused about what she'd done wrong and could not figure out how she'd wound up in the wrong lane. I told her not to worry about it. Once we got to the cemetery I was taking over the driving. :imok: Scary part of that is she'd just passed her driving exam. Holy Moses!

    While we were visiting with her.........I noticed in the bedroom she had Nichole and I using she had all the old family photos lined up on the dresser. So I asked her about it as it's a rather odd thing to see. They were not in frames and many of these photos she would not display like that because when I say old I'm talking about my great grandmother......Yeah. She said she put them out there so whoever is coming in taking things won't have to dig through stuff and take them, they could just take them and be done with it. So then she decided I and Nichole needed to take the ones we wanted. No wasn't an option. So I took ones precious to me & also ones that I knew were precious to her. The latter I did with good reason, the paranoia. (stay with me, I'll explain) Next, she started on her home decor. Nichole and I argued with her. Her home is literally full of home interior decor from the 80's when she bought the house and an aunt of mine sold it......several thousand dollars of the stuff (god only knows what it could go for now as it's considered "vintage") beautiful stuff that my step dad made her buy because my aunt needed the money and he hated plain walls while Mom loves plain walls. I was shocked when she bought it and put it up because I knew the mother I knew would never ever do such a thing. But still, we didn't just want to take her stuff. Well then she explains she is just waiting for my bro's to get out of the house so she can contact the realtor and get it up for sale and get the hades out of town. She plans to take NOTHING with her except some clothes. So........we spent the first day upon arrival loading Nichole's car to bursting with items she was determined to give us. I learned with mother in law........go with the flow, if it's what they want, it's what they want, it makes them feel better to know it went to someone who will enjoy and appreciate it.

    In the middle of that I told her several times that when she calls me in the next few days sobbing because someone took her photos and the decor and such that she was determined we have, I'm going to tell her it is over here and it's safe. She kept telling me she wouldn't do that, but I know that call is coming. And I'll talk her down like I always do and she'll feel better. Here she knows it's safe, whether from an imaginary thief or not. Know what I mean?? Bro also knows we took it and that she was opening basically forcing us to because he arrived to visit during it.

    Ok. So Mom just has to show me younger bro's farm. Now I really don't give jack squat about bro's farm. The man is renting for one thing, so big deal, he might be there 6 mos. lol But with Mom, you go with the flow. So we go to bro's farm. It's not really a big deal except when we arrived the fine hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Then Mom needed to use the bathroom and I needed a cigarette so stay outside with bro. He asked me to please watch her closely, said he wouldn't tell me why, but please watch her and he'd talk to me later about it. I said that's fine I would. Then Mom has to take me on the Grand Tour (she does this with everyone in a new place) and I get chills to go with the hairs on the back of my neck thing. Oh goody.

    Why? Because I recognize the house immediately. In fact, so much so that I could've given my Mom the tour. I dreamed about my bro's farmhouse some 15 plus yrs ago shortly before my grandpa died. Swear to heaven above. Everything was the exact same. And this is one of those old farm houses that start off teeny and get added on to a room at a time so come out looking strange in the floor plan so it's not like I might have seen one like it.......Know what I mean?? In the dream we were gathered in what is the sunroom, all us kids discussing a very serious topic of grave importance. Now I couldn't quite catch what that topic was, these dreams don't always work that way. So when my grandpa died I assumed that it had to do with that. I often get warnings someone I care about is about to pass. (and that's about what it takes to get us all in one spot at the same time so it was a reasonable assumption ) So I'm standing there in that same sun room thinking to myself WTH?? Then I step back outside........I'd also stepped outside in the dream for a break in the rather intense discussion........and suddenly got a different view of the grain silos and barns and omg......there we go again. ugh Threw me right off stride.

    Now I'm telling things out of order because I'm tired. Bro's farm was saturday in the middle of loading up the car because we were supposed to have supper together. I'd tried to take Mom to Red Lobster but she insisted on going to a church dinner instead. So, I'd not seen very much of her current condition at that time.

    I did tell Nichole on the way home that I'd dreamed of bro's farm and now I was sort of wth with the meaning........what was being discussed. I told her I was glad we'd went home. As I was wondering with the drastic rapid changes I was seeing just how much time Mom might have left.......I sort of wondered if it meant we were going to lose her soon, because it wouldn't be a stretch that the serious discussion to be like a reading of the will type thing.

    But then bro called to see if I'd observed anything during my visit with mom. And I knew where he was going before he even said it. It's obvious it's not safe for her to live alone anymore. I saw enough to convince me of that even in the short time I was there. Sure she might keep her bills paid ect but daily living activities are too much for her for the most part. You can't cook if you can't lift your pans and you can't compensate for that by eating out if you can't drive to get there. That alone is enough that she needs to have someone with her. And I told him what I observed. He said well, he didn't want to "put her away" or anything like that because it would just set the paranoia off full tilt and she'd be in a living hades all her own until the day she died and well......he can't do that to her. He'd like to see her go to family like myself or sis in texas, but he doesn't want her doing that without us seeing what we'd be taking on and able to judge if we could handle it. I assured him I could not only handle mom with dementia, I could handle her paranoia......I mean c'mon, I'd been trying to get them out of denial about that for years now! omg He had to live with her all this time for it to smack him across the face. I knew in no uncertain terms in HS. geez! Sis in texas? Won't believe a word he says. Won't admit mom has a darned thing. Is siding with mom that it is all bro and Stormy trying to make mom think she's crazy.

    Now........while bro is no saint, he's always been a momma's boy if you get my drift. He loves her. In the past he's always been the one to come do for her. Yes, we all know that Stormy is playing the situation to her advantage, and yes I had no doubt that sneaky little so and so has been playing with Mom's head from the first moment mom enforced a rule. Stormy has never been forced to follow rules. And it took bro nearly too long to catch on that Stormy was messing with mom and making mom's symptoms over the top worse. He's since nailed her fanny to the barn door over it and so far even Mom says she's backed off for the most part, but she's still pulling stuff. It just took mom calling the cops and going to have Stormy not only hauled off to jail but cause bro to lose custody for his eyes to open. Because even crazy mom won't usually go that far so he started paying closer attention to what the kid was doing.

    But bro says that mom has good & bad days. He doesn't know if she's got Alzheimer's or just dementia on top of the schizo but the combination makes living with her a nightmare. He understands that the memory issues and the losing time (I saw this, he's not lying) making her get things out of sequence is not only triggering the paranoia but actively making it worse. He just doesn't know how to help her and he is frustrated beyond his limits. He told me of many more symptoms, and honestly.......knowing what I both saw and know about Mom, while I can't be totally positive, it's not only believable but reasonable given the circumstances. He says we all need to get together to discuss how we're going to handle this.

    And so now I know what that serious discussion thing in the farmhouse that I now know is my bro's farmhouse is all about. Holy Smokes. (and yes, I sometimes get dreams such as this many many years in I said I don't understand the rules)
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is going to be a major nightmare. I don't see any way around it at this point. Mom will not admit she's paranoid schizo. I got her on medications once because I used totally different reasons to get her to a psychiatrist and I made her read me her medications (knowing they'd be new ones unfamiliar to her and not in her outdated drug book) were, so I know he was treating her for it. She did very well until she decided she didn't need them and flushed them 2 months later. I've not been able to get her to go back. That was about 6 yrs ago. *sigh* She has just enough presence of mind that should you even remotely hint at that diagnosis or any type of mental illness she's going to go ballistic in 0.5 seconds. The chance of us getting her to voluntarily getting her to go is zero. (I got lucky once, it won't happen again) But as long as the dementia and schizo are playing off each other, she's a danger to self and others. So anyone who has her living with her is in for one hellova wild ride. I knew that when I left there today, before bro called me when I got home.

    Sis from texas is coming up around sept 9th. She's not sure of the exact date yet cuz her husband has to give 30 days notice for a vacation. I suspected that she might be coming up with the intent on taking Mom home with her. Bro confirmed that he was thinking the same thing. He's worried if that is the case sis is biting off more than she can chew. Mom hates her husband with a passion and it's certain to keep the paranoia in high gear. Sis, well, sis can't handle that sort of thing. She has no medical background. She has no mental health background. Two of her kids are major difficult children and she chose her terminate treatment because she didn't want the neighbors to talk sort of deal. So the odds of mom getting any treatment with her, especially with her being in denial about mom's mental health is very low at best.

    Nichole told mom we'd be back in sept. Sort of surprised me because she didn't discuss it with me first and two because it might or might not be possible. And Nichole knows how I am concerning promises. It just sort of came pouring out of Nichole's mouth which is unlike Nichole. When Nichole was small the two did NOT get along to put it mildly.

    I can still take mom here. I have the medical knowledge and experience. I have the psychiatric experience both with difficult children and working a psychiatric unit with Alzheimer's and schizo patients. Of all her kids, I'm the one she trusts to give her the straight sh*t, good or bad. I know how to talk to her, how to reason with her, how to talk her down and out of a psychotic episode. (at least to the point where she is calm and no longer a danger) I am the only reasonable choice.

    Good grief. I don't mind bringing her here. I told her I would. I told bro that. But I also told him I'm not sure living with any family is going to be doable if we can't think of a way to get her schizo medicated with or without her knowledge. Sis could not do it. Mom might last 2 wks there tops. Then there would be the issue of getting her to other family (me) because she'd be clear down in texas, I'm in ohio.

    If not family, I dunno if assisted living would work given her current mental condition. In a new environment filled with strangers could send her right off the deep end. Bro and I agree on that. Nursing home would be the same issue multiplied by a thousand because then she'd view it as we locked her away type deal. Either situation could induce violence in short order. The nursing home would see to it she was properly medicated, whether she liked it or not. I'm not sure about assisted living, I'd have to call and check.

    I dunno if what all mom is telling me about bro and stormy is true or not. I know bro swears it's her memory issues coupled with lost time ect and the paranoia. I have seen enough in Stormy to know she's doing all she can to exacerbate the issues for her own gain. I know bro would not do that, though. Older bro maybe, but not younger.

    When I left mom told me she's getting the boys out (both bros are currently staying with her) and putting the house up for sale and leaving. She doesn't yet know if she's coming here or texas. (she's certain younger bro is out to get her put away, older bro refuses to get involved) Older bro is living with her because he's separated yet again and has no where else to go (except the house he owns and he's letting ex live in). Younger bro is staying with her again because the farm house caught on fire and landlord is nearly done with repairs. He'll be back there within the week. Stormy has stayed with a friend because she's not allowed back and mom's house.

    Sorry this turned out so long. So much for me going to bed early tonight. *sigh*

    For the past several years there is just something about the month of august that is making me learn to hate this month. Oh.....wait I know........bff died in august, mother in law died in august, husband had his heart attack in august..............all within 2 yrs. Crud. And now Mom.

    Just sitting here shaking my head.

    Other than all this crud, it was a nice visit. Lots of laughs. Got to see my 2nd cousin Marilyn who is like 85 and the sweetest human being I've ever known in my whole life, never have I heard her say 1 bad thing about someone, pass one hint of gossip.........which I find pretty amazing as the rest of us are human. She's a nun, but I think she'd be that way regardless. Loved talking to her again and she's doing great considering her age, better than mom or my two aunts for certain. Got to take Nichole to some childhood memory places, even if they were tore down. She got to see her first (and probably last) street made of brick in the 1800's. Nichole did great driving, even though on the way back we wound up in a great adventure right smack in the middle of Cincy going from the very poorest area to the very wealthiest before getting on the right track for home. lol
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Wow, Lisa... Wow... That's a lot to happen, even in a small amount of time.

    And... I know you can take care of your Mom, but... Hon... You have so much going on with you...
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hound, I'm not sure what to say. I am glad that you made the trip safely, saw relatives and did have some fun. on the other hand, my CD friend, I have to admit I am greatly concerned that taking on the care of your Mom might really damage your peace of mind and health. My best wishes, however, are always with you. Hugs DDD
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yes, I have the same concerns about taking care of Mom, especially with the safety issues. And safety is right at the top of the list as number 1.

    I love her. We've manage to build a rather close relationship over recent years. But I won't put Travis and my safety in jeopardy to care for her. I know better than anyone in the family what my mother is capable of doing during a psychotic break. She's attempted to end my life more than once in years past. (not as herself mind you, but you know what I mean) Bringing her here would mean that would be a very real possibility given the opportunity and the right circumstances. Which I would not do. She'd be on the ground floor and we'd be on the upper floor and it would take a lot out of her just to get up my steps. But it would also put the furbabies in possible danger and they'd be on the ground floor with her. And there are just the general safety issues as well. Turning on the gas stove and forgetting it's on.......ect.

    So........that would have to be settled in my mind how I would/could cope with that and she'd have to be medicated properly. Since I don't see her cooperating with the medications, it's not looking like that is going to happen.

    When I told her she could come stay with me I had no idea she was as bad as she is. She is already nearly to the point of not being able to live with family. Simply because the paranoia is just so very difficult to deal with. Ok, forget difficult, it can be pure hades on earth to deal with day in and day out.

    I am the logical person to care for mom at this stage.

    That does not mean I'm necessarily going to do so.

    I'm not stupid. I know the reality that is my mother, and I've got a pretty realistic view of how she probably is now although I got to see her on two "good days." My health and my own issues post Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is making the odds of her coming here very low, if at all. IF she did, it could only be with assisted living which would devolve into full nursing care as she grew worse or a nursing home when her funds finally played out. That would be the only way.

    Honestly, I'm fairly sure she's going to wind up with sis in texas. Sis has a mother in law addition to her house she had build specifically for mom. Mom has totally forgotten (at least while I was there) that she ever owned/loved her dog putzie, so she is back to hating dogs........I have 2 in the house, one that is a puppy. Mom hats cats. I have Bruce. So I'm thinking even Mom is thinking sis in texas but won't tell me that for fear of hurting my feelings.

    Or mom might drive straight into another car head on before any of us can even discuss it and it will be a moot point completely. Or turn on the gas for her stove, go hunting for matches, forget she turned on the stove, and lights a match and BOOM!

    The last, is bro's major fear. He's afraid of who she'll take with her when it happens as well.

    While I love my mom, I think I'm going to be sitting this one out and just help from the sidelines as much as I can........which is quite a bit. Sis in texas' health is far far better than mine and she has her husband there to help, even if mom can't stand him.

    This hoovers major though.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    When it rains, it pours, I guess. Honestly, if you feel up to it, and your mother will be ok with it, I'd start looking into arrangements. There's no way I'd do it without some sort of legal authority, though. She'd have to sell the house and her possessions, and she'd have to make financial contributions to my household. You're having enough financial difficulties without adding a sick old woman to the burden. You should feel comfortable making decisions as to her care and health and not have to consult the rest of the family for mutual agreement.

    What would happen if you said you'd take mom, but mom had to see a doctor so that you could be up to date with her blood pressure medications, etc., before she comes to you. My friend Beth's husband has early onset dementia, and is in a facility at aged 59. He's on medications which he is non-compliant with, and they just stuff it into ice cream for him. I understand that there are patches, as well. I'd help her bathe and dress and slap a long acting one in the middle of her back if need be. But I'd really want her to be medication compliant. Moving will be a big stress for her that may very well put her over the edge far more than what you've seen already.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I understand your reluctance but there is no doubt that you love your Mom and want what is best for her. it does sound like Sis has made arrangements and has an adult partner to help as needed. If it's possible to look objectively Texas sounds like the logical destination. I know it has to be difficult for you and I'm sorry that you have new stress. Hugs. DDD
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, Lisa. Sounds like your trip was a perfect combo of pleasure and have a lot to think about. I think I would take some time to digest it all before calling anyone or planning anything. It does sound like your sister is the most logical choice, but as we know logic doesn't always win out. Create a back up plan should your mom decide to take you up on your offer to stay with you.

    I have to tell you, that paranoia stuff really hit home in terms of things my mother in law says to us all the time about people being in her home or talking about her or wanting her to move out of her community because she doesn't play golf anymore...ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy.
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Oh Lisa, my what a trip. That is all scary and worrisome. Texas is sounding best, but if it continues to get worse I think she might be even too much for your sister and husband. I am not far from Mt. Zion. I wish I had know you were coming this way earlier. I would love to have met you and Nichole. Many hugs.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, man Jody! I was sooo all over that area this weekend. Mom lives very near Mt Zion, depending on which direction you're talking. It's a Decatur addy but yeah, you know what I mean.

    Nichole is planning to go back maybe over labor day. We're trying to time it for when sis from texas comes up. We will have to hook up and have coffee or something! :)

    Witz, trust me, if mom came here I wouldn't consult anyone on her care. I'm not trying to say my family is stupid, but well........they're not educated in that way and don't have the experience. Oldest sis is a nurse but oldest sis is a whack job herself much of the time and her opinion isn't worth the breath used to voice it. Know what I mean?? (this is not sis in texas by the way) But Mom needs to get a POA for both financial and medical and that would have to be in place before she came IF she came. I know how to cover my bases having already been there done that. She needs that done before she goes anywhere, actually.

    If I felt Mom would be happy in texas, I'd just give sis the background and tell her to go for it. But mom hates texas with a passion and she feels the same way about that sister in law. I think she'll pick it because of my pets though. My furbabies aren't going anywhere and she knows it.

    Let's just say, I'm not going to volunteer and stand front and center as I normally do. We'll have to hash it out among ourselves and see what we come up with.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Really glad that you are not stepping up to the plate, Hound. Really glad as I feel you deserve to focus on YOU. DDD
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, what a story Lisa. I'm sorry. That is so much to have to digest and figure out. It does seem as if Texas is in the cards at least for the moment. Can you look into other kinds of options even though your mom would be non compliant? I know of a daughter who had to get power of attorney or whatever you need to make decisions for a parent and she had to put her Dad in an assisted living facility for people with Alzheimer's. It was very difficult, but caring for someone with those kinds of requirements is pretty overwhelming. My SO cared for his mother who was 100 years old and it was grueling. After all was said and done, his comment was "If I had it all to do over again, I would have made other arrangements where Mom would have received the best care." These are such difficult decisions to make for our parents, I hope you take the time to look at all the options. Sending you warm wishes and HUGS........
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, you've certainly thought this through. It sounds soooo much like what we went through with-my dad, minus the schizophrenia. And with-Alzheimer's/dementia, yes, every day is different. Except that it never gets better, and always get worse. It's a gradual downward spiral.
    I'm thinking that if you're lucky, in a strange sense of the word, she will fall and be hospitalized, and that's when you get her medicines and have the dr be the bad guy and tell her that under no circumstances can she live alone. Or, she will crash the car and the police will make sure she goes to court, and the judge will tell her the same thing.
    We all went over these scenarios with-my dad and boy, do I know where you're coming from!
    I highly recommend that if you have to tell her which medicine is which, tell her that the little gray pills (or whatever) are for memory and leave it at that. In my dad's case, we told him that his pills would improve his golf game and he swallowed them right down!
    You'll figure it out.
    I'd hate to be in your shoes right now. I've been in them enough alreayd.
    I feel for you.
    But you still managed to have a good trip! Good for you!
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh this took me back! I honestly think your mom is too far gone to even get a POA signed legally. She is a paranoid schizo with dementia. Active on both of those. I think you need a court to appoint a guardian. Though you could just talk to APS and ask them about getting her into a good placement. I think she needs an alzheimers unit.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmm, Janet. I never thought of that. That's why I love you guys. :) You're right, in her current state a POA wouldn't probably be legal. Actually she may have one from years ago (mom was good about such things) but I don't recall if she does. I'll ask my sis in texas and bro to find out. Shoot, if she does I might find out it's me.......And I'm having a little flutter of a "memory" but it refuses to come to the surface. So I dunno. I do know she's told me multiple times I was executor of the will because I argued with her over it, I didn't want the job of dealing with bickering sibs thankyouverymuch. I still dunno if she ever changed that because she refused to answer me.

    Given mom herself is a nurse, and having cared for her own mother and sisters........I would be shocked she if doesn't already have it in place, and has had for years. But like I said, I just dunno.

    If she comes here I already know of a wonderful place that has a really good Alzheimer's unit with very caring staff, very nice environment. It would be a drive as it's about an hour south of me......but it would also be worth it. It wouldn't be cheap but I'm pretty sure she can stay there even when her money would run out. (although I strongly suspect she might have much more money than bro has a clue she has even without selling the house)

    What is APS? It's not ringing any bells with me tonight. And with the paranoid schizo diagnosis..........well, I dunno what psychiatrist she saw so I won't be able to get those records. She'd probably have to be diagnosed again by someone else.

    I'm holding off calling sis in texas for a bit because I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row first to hopefully help her grasp what is going on. Then to pass on what helpful info I can to her so she can check and see what services are available in her area. (if I can get her to believe me)
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hound -

    What would happen if you maybe talked your Mom into a "mini" vacation to your house for asay a month - and got her to see doctors in YOUR area - ? Just a thought - SOmetimes we think better on our own turf. And you could see if you could manage it all....I'm sure you could./can - but never hurts to have a trial run for both your sakes. AND if it were to be that you could not? Perhaps having her closer to you wher eYOU could keep a mendical eye on her would be better than anyone else.

    Just a thought.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa - I didn't mean consult the family. I meant consult a doctor. "Gee mom, I don't know what you take for your blood pressure, and I want to be sure that we get it right. Let's make a trip to the doctor before you move so I don't make any mistakes."

    Never mention psychiatric drugs to her, but get the doctor to prescribe them. Slip them in the ice cream and everyone's happy.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking that the cart may be before the horse in this case. Obviously I could be wrong but I think it's time to make a list of logical chronolical steps to take. Remember how confused things were when your husband passed away? You don't want to replay that sequence out again under any circumstances.

    Just tossing this out. Make a notebook with Q & A's.
    1. Who are her current medical professionals? Names, addresses, numbers. How often has she been
    seen? Has she, or will she, sign a form giving access to info for one of her children?

    2. Where are her bank accounts and records? Does she have a safety deposit box? Is anyone on the accounts or forms in case she becomes unable to access that information...will she agree to adding someone?

    3. What medications does she take? What pharmacy fills the Rx's? Where are the medications stored?

    4. Should she decide to relocate (doesn't matter whether a family home or "a home") what is of the most importance to her and which of her possessions does she want to give to specific people and what would be donated?

    5. Where are her important documents? Does her attorney have a current will, POA etc. and knowledge of assets?

    What I'm trying to point out is that you or someone in her family need to have access to information about her current status, wants/needs and future possibilities. If nobody has a fact based close estimate of her worth then it's impossible to even plan a relocation. She couldn't just pack up and go live with any of her children leaving her home and unknown/possibly missing assets behind. She also could not make plans to move into a senior facility with-o those same facts...the Government requires that info.

    I think that IF you trust one of your siblings OR her attorney the first step is to get these ducks in a row so when the time comes to move everything will be as easy peasy as possible. Hugs DDD

    PS: You don't have to be "ill" to get confused. My easy child daughter is asking for specific info for her records as husband is getting forgetful and I am focused on getting well. One life insurance policy my husband told me last year "he let go" fact, this year I found it and he verified it's still good. Old age is hell.
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star I've been trying to do that mini vacation for months. Mom won't go for it because she's terrified of being "robbed" blind while she is gone.

    Witz, dealing with a schizo with dementia is bad enough, but dealing with a retired nurse on top of it.........well, let's just say she's going to have to get much much more confused before I'm going to slip any medications past her. Best I can hope for is that doctor will tell her they're for "sleep" or some such and she falls for it because she doesn't recognize the medication. He'll only be able to use new medications too, she'll spot any older ones immediately.

    I do my best to go the honest route, or at least as close to it as possible. I plan to explain to mom that the short term memory issues which are age appropriate (depending on the person) is making it appear that someone is either moving her things around or taking them. This may or may not work. But I can use my own experience with this issue to try to get her to understand. Because I swear I have put something in a certain spot and 5 seconds later it is not there and I can't find it. It eventually turns up in some unlikely place and I may or may not recall how it got there. It might work.......but it won't work where she is now. Mostly because stepdad's kids DID come into the house and clean her out of a lot of her things as well as their dad's things and wipe bank accts and such. She's got it fixed in her head they want the house and are coming in and taking things to make her appear crazy so she'll give up the house too. Now we know that this is very unlikely as they wouldn't get the house regardless and stepdad has been gone 6 yrs now and I'm sure they've moved on with their lives at this point......busy spending what money she wasn't able to get back via lawyers.

    When she leaves the area, that delusion won't hold water even to her. So that ought to at least help the paranoia to some extent, at least until she comes up with a new scenario.

    This is, in short, going to be a nightmare. Mom won't be bullied or pushed. She's a control freak who not only wants to control every aspect of her own life but everyone elses. You can't intimidate her, you can't guilt her. She's as stubborn as a mule on steroids. You *might* be able to convince her certain things are in her best interest, IF you can find just the right way to go about it and the timing is perfect........and there aren't others butting in to confuse the issue. I think younger bro has finally come to understand this. (it only took him about 40 some years) That's why he wants everyone together to have a game plan in place before she's approached.

    Problem is? Game plan or no game plan, I see this being one of the ugliest most horrific things I will ever deal with. Because eldest sis being a whack job herself is going to say some off the wall thing or ten to set mom off. Eldest bro has got no backbone whatsoever and is about as smart as a piece of paper (gotta love the side effects of lifelong addiction). Sis in Texas is non confrontational at best. Youngest bro is already frustrated beyond reason and fed up. Three out of those four are secretly hoping that Mom keels over and leaves them money (aka the house & a small inheritance from the selling of our childhood home which is in CDs in our names there) One is only based in greed. The other two are in a financial hole they're hoping to get out of. Thankfully none of them seem to be aware that Mom has more funds (much more) than she let's on.....she lives as the penny pincher she's always been, but I've seen strong indications she's not hurting in the slightest. But youngest bro didn't seem pleased when I explained to him she could use her funds from selling the house to finance the rent for assisted living and make it at least a year on that alone. (here anyway, I don't know the price ranges for other areas) I know what the house is worth and Nichole and I did a walk through, it's ready to sell and even in this economy the neighborhood it's would be snatched up fast at a decent price. It's already paid off, has been for years, so it's free and clear cash for her to use.

    Hmm. Got a bit side tracked there. lol Even with a game plan, odds are someone is going to set her off and blow the whole thing up in our faces. If that happens, I dunno what we'll do because.......well, you'd just have to know my mom to understand. I've worked with her during most of her worst times, both in person and at a distance. It's delicate tight rope type thing. You have to watch the tone of your voice, every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to wait on timing, you have to remain calm even when you want to strangle her. Sibs can't do that. I was coping with this my whole life while they were busy off in denial land. Their only now that she's become so severe seeing reality that is our mother. They lose their patience and temper with her easily and will blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Plus younger bro is going to have to, while discussing this with us ect, take a back seat because Mom is already convinced he wants to lock her up and throw out the key. ugh

    I'm rather surprised by the dementia to begin with because none of her sibs showed any signs. Yet they died younger. My aunt Jennie is 83 or so and sharp as a tack.....physically she's a mess. Mom's family is not long lived, they tend to die young. I don't recall any relative having dementia as they grew older. And so I just never thought about having to deal with it with Mom. Know what I mean?? I figured it would be a stroke or heart attack or some such....not this per se.

    It's further complicated with everyone being so spread out. Odds are, even though he lived with her, even younger bro doesn't know how severe it is because he also spends 12 hrs a day on the road. I'm sure there is much he missed. And you can't just take Stormy's word because she's manipulating it to her advantage when she thinks she can get away with it.

    I'm going to try to contact sis in texas either this evening or tomorrow and talk to her a while. I know she trusts my judgment, it's going to be a matter of if she's ready to hear it.

    IF mom came here, she'd do the whole round of docs/specialist anyway because she'd have to establish herself as a new patient. I know who to take her to, so that's not a problem.

    Gawd. I thought dealing with mother in law was bad, but it was nothing compared to what this will be. Which is why I really am not eager to become overly involved. Yet on the other hand, this is my mother.......and while she made my childhood in many respects a living hades........I still won't let anyone mistreat her or mess her over. Mom never asked to have paranoid schizo any more than any of our difficult children asked to have their dxes. Even when it was horrible, she did the best she could at the time. I'll do the same for her. My only exception is I won't risk Travis and my safety to do it.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa, that says quite a lot. Maybe it's Freudian, and maybe you are fully aware of what you said, but I urge you to consider why you said this, and if you are able to do one of the ugliest most horrific things in your life right now.

    {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}