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My troubled 26 year old.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 626782" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there and so sorry your mommy heart is hurting. This is what I would do right away. I'd take the drama down twenty levels immediately by telling her that if she is upset about anything it is best to take it to a therapist and that, regardless of her childhood, the life she now lives is her own decision, since she is over 18 and how her sister reacts to her is her sister's decision, not yours. I would not engage her. If she starts getting overly upset, I would just listen and not throw fuel on the fire. Your daughter is being abusive and irrational and you have the option of deciding not to react emotionally to your daughter's baiting. Perhaps she is mentally ill and inherited some stuff from her birthfather.At this point though you can't help her. She is legally on her own. She is the one who has to get her act together and since she is an adult, you don't need to listen to her if she isn't respectful. I would not take her "you made me this way" nonsense. She is the one who makes herself that way. She is 100% in charge of herself. Many, if not most kids, deal with some childhood difficulties. They learn to deal with it or they screw up...they have to learn. I would detach and take care of yourself. YOU matter. YOU are important, and you deserve to feel appreciated and to appreciate yourself.</p><p></p><p>Whether or not your two daughters hate each other or love each other etc. is between them. It is not your business and should not be a source of angst to you because there is NOTHING you can do about anyone except yourself. You are a good person and, like the rest of us, you did the best you could and you deserve respect, not garbage from a disgruntled grown kid. As for her becoming more distant, it sounds like she is very cranky. Is she always this way or did something happen? At any rate, often older kids pull away. However, she does sound immature and I actually hope she does not get married, not that it is any of my business. It's just that she does not sound ready to be a wife and then possibly a good, responsible mother.However you have no power over anything she says or does anymore. The only thing you can do is change you response to her and not enable dysfunctional, disrespectful or dangerous behavior. Not enabling is within our control.</p><p></p><p>If you have not read the article on detachment at the top of this page, I highly recommend it. We, as mothers of grown difficult children, have to learn to detach lovingly from our difficult, even abusive adult children and to live great lives in spite of their struggles and WE CAN DO IT!!!!! If she is on drugs, I strongly recommend going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Love the lessons taught in that program and the support from other parents who understand us. There is also The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) if you don't think she used drugs, but is just a person who may have a mood disorder or a personality disorder. They have classes that help the parents cope with have a mentally ill loved one.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you joined us, although I'm very sorry that you had to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 626782, member: 1550"] Hi there and so sorry your mommy heart is hurting. This is what I would do right away. I'd take the drama down twenty levels immediately by telling her that if she is upset about anything it is best to take it to a therapist and that, regardless of her childhood, the life she now lives is her own decision, since she is over 18 and how her sister reacts to her is her sister's decision, not yours. I would not engage her. If she starts getting overly upset, I would just listen and not throw fuel on the fire. Your daughter is being abusive and irrational and you have the option of deciding not to react emotionally to your daughter's baiting. Perhaps she is mentally ill and inherited some stuff from her birthfather.At this point though you can't help her. She is legally on her own. She is the one who has to get her act together and since she is an adult, you don't need to listen to her if she isn't respectful. I would not take her "you made me this way" nonsense. She is the one who makes herself that way. She is 100% in charge of herself. Many, if not most kids, deal with some childhood difficulties. They learn to deal with it or they screw up...they have to learn. I would detach and take care of yourself. YOU matter. YOU are important, and you deserve to feel appreciated and to appreciate yourself. Whether or not your two daughters hate each other or love each other etc. is between them. It is not your business and should not be a source of angst to you because there is NOTHING you can do about anyone except yourself. You are a good person and, like the rest of us, you did the best you could and you deserve respect, not garbage from a disgruntled grown kid. As for her becoming more distant, it sounds like she is very cranky. Is she always this way or did something happen? At any rate, often older kids pull away. However, she does sound immature and I actually hope she does not get married, not that it is any of my business. It's just that she does not sound ready to be a wife and then possibly a good, responsible mother.However you have no power over anything she says or does anymore. The only thing you can do is change you response to her and not enable dysfunctional, disrespectful or dangerous behavior. Not enabling is within our control. If you have not read the article on detachment at the top of this page, I highly recommend it. We, as mothers of grown difficult children, have to learn to detach lovingly from our difficult, even abusive adult children and to live great lives in spite of their struggles and WE CAN DO IT!!!!! If she is on drugs, I strongly recommend going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Love the lessons taught in that program and the support from other parents who understand us. There is also The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) if you don't think she used drugs, but is just a person who may have a mood disorder or a personality disorder. They have classes that help the parents cope with have a mentally ill loved one. I'm glad you joined us, although I'm very sorry that you had to. [/QUOTE]
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