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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724415" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>RN, so good to see you. Your update is very positive. I hope it kicks in too. I can understand being cautiously optimistic, so much water under the bridge.</p><p> I fear the same for my two. It has been a longer haul for them. </p><p>Sigh.</p><p>It is what it is.</p><p>There are many stories of addicts recovering and living productive lives.</p><p>Even with affected brains.</p><p>The brain has a marvelous capacity to heal.</p><p>I hang on to that hope.</p><p></p><p> A year for the brain to heal and think clearly. There is a lot of work to be done on his part. But, he is still in the program. In a rough neighborhood. He is still trying. Such good progress. I am glad he is there till 11/18. It is as much for you, as for him.</p><p>One day at time.</p><p>Healing for all of you.</p><p>I understand pushing the feelings down.</p><p>Getting through the day, week, month.</p><p>After hubs passing, the feelings were so intensely magnified, I felt as if I would drown.</p><p>So much to process.</p><p> Couldn't do it all at once.</p><p>Baggage.</p><p>So, I kept feelings at bay, in order to be able to get up out of bed.</p><p>But, that stuff has a way of eeking out.</p><p>It will find its way out one way or the other.</p><p>The thing is, to find healthy ways to sift through.</p><p>It will be two years come April.</p><p>I can hardly believe it.</p><p> Time truly flys by.</p><p></p><p>One day, RN, you will be able to process everything and find that strength in yourself, to look at everything that has happened, without holding on to, or fearing the grief of it.</p><p></p><p>No matter the outcome.</p><p></p><p>A few years back, my sister asked me why I was not painting and drawing anymore. Part of it, was because I was just so darned busy, part of it, I answered, was because in order for me to create art, <em>I had to allow myself to feel</em>.</p><p>There is something to be said for that.</p><p>A sadness.</p><p>I had to step outside of who I am, to deal with it, to survive.</p><p>It became a sort of hollowness.</p><p></p><p>It was and is a survival technique, like nurses and doctors in an E.R. In order to do their job, they have to callous over the emotional response to the reality they face.</p><p></p><p>I am working at processing the feelings, which is hard, because I have come to admire my “callouses”.</p><p>I hate them at the same time.</p><p>Does this even make sense?</p><p> "Fake it till you make it"</p><p>I don't want to live the rest of my life, covering over stuff.</p><p>Holding on to it.</p><p></p><p>I'm downsizing physically and mentally.</p><p></p><p>Going through stuff in my house that I have held on to, for one reason or another.</p><p>Chucking it.</p><p>Or donating.</p><p>It is a release.</p><p></p><p>Working at my health.</p><p>Fitness.</p><p>Walking helps, it is a meditation in movement.</p><p></p><p>I have found that I am able to sort through old photos without grieving over what was, and is.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I couldn't bare to look at them in the past</em>.</p><p></p><p>It was a reminder of what was, what could have been, what is missing.</p><p></p><p>What was missing, too, <em>was a part of me</em>.</p><p></p><p>I am still sorting through my emotional baggage, the feelings. Trying to figure out a way to accept what is happening with my two, process the grief of it, and not only hang on to myself, but to rebuild, restore, revitalize.</p><p></p><p>Slowly, gratitude is replacing the despair and sadness of it.</p><p></p><p>Slowly.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am trying to encourage you to do, and all of us, gently, is to work very hard on yourself, as hard as your son is working on <em>his recovery</em>, there is recovery we need, also.</p><p>I am glad you have a therapist to help you walk through this.</p><p>I am writing to myself as well.</p><p>Keep working at it Leafy. Keep trodding on.</p><p>We are worth it.</p><p> Life is precious and short.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to be able to feel again, to sift through the memories, good and bad, to see the beauty in the world and to want to be able to express it.</p><p>My desire and need to go back to my art is slowly reappearing.</p><p>Healing.</p><p></p><p>I hope that your son finds his meaning.</p><p></p><p> I hope you find peace and joy no matter what.</p><p></p><p>You are truly worth the effort to make that happen.</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724415, member: 19522"] RN, so good to see you. Your update is very positive. I hope it kicks in too. I can understand being cautiously optimistic, so much water under the bridge. I fear the same for my two. It has been a longer haul for them. Sigh. It is what it is. There are many stories of addicts recovering and living productive lives. Even with affected brains. The brain has a marvelous capacity to heal. I hang on to that hope. A year for the brain to heal and think clearly. There is a lot of work to be done on his part. But, he is still in the program. In a rough neighborhood. He is still trying. Such good progress. I am glad he is there till 11/18. It is as much for you, as for him. One day at time. Healing for all of you. I understand pushing the feelings down. Getting through the day, week, month. After hubs passing, the feelings were so intensely magnified, I felt as if I would drown. So much to process. Couldn't do it all at once. Baggage. So, I kept feelings at bay, in order to be able to get up out of bed. But, that stuff has a way of eeking out. It will find its way out one way or the other. The thing is, to find healthy ways to sift through. It will be two years come April. I can hardly believe it. Time truly flys by. One day, RN, you will be able to process everything and find that strength in yourself, to look at everything that has happened, without holding on to, or fearing the grief of it. No matter the outcome. A few years back, my sister asked me why I was not painting and drawing anymore. Part of it, was because I was just so darned busy, part of it, I answered, was because in order for me to create art, [I]I had to allow myself to feel[/I]. There is something to be said for that. A sadness. I had to step outside of who I am, to deal with it, to survive. It became a sort of hollowness. It was and is a survival technique, like nurses and doctors in an E.R. In order to do their job, they have to callous over the emotional response to the reality they face. I am working at processing the feelings, which is hard, because I have come to admire my “callouses”. I hate them at the same time. Does this even make sense? "Fake it till you make it" I don't want to live the rest of my life, covering over stuff. Holding on to it. I'm downsizing physically and mentally. Going through stuff in my house that I have held on to, for one reason or another. Chucking it. Or donating. It is a release. Working at my health. Fitness. Walking helps, it is a meditation in movement. I have found that I am able to sort through old photos without grieving over what was, and is. [I] I couldn't bare to look at them in the past[/I]. It was a reminder of what was, what could have been, what is missing. What was missing, too, [I]was a part of me[/I]. I am still sorting through my emotional baggage, the feelings. Trying to figure out a way to accept what is happening with my two, process the grief of it, and not only hang on to myself, but to rebuild, restore, revitalize. Slowly, gratitude is replacing the despair and sadness of it. Slowly. I guess what I am trying to encourage you to do, and all of us, gently, is to work very hard on yourself, as hard as your son is working on [I]his recovery[/I], there is recovery we need, also. I am glad you have a therapist to help you walk through this. I am writing to myself as well. Keep working at it Leafy. Keep trodding on. We are worth it. Life is precious and short. I am beginning to be able to feel again, to sift through the memories, good and bad, to see the beauty in the world and to want to be able to express it. My desire and need to go back to my art is slowly reappearing. Healing. I hope that your son finds his meaning. I hope you find peace and joy no matter what. You are truly worth the effort to make that happen. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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