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My wife won't accept that her daughter is just a bad person
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<blockquote data-quote="RN0441" data-source="post: 713786" data-attributes="member: 15032"><p>RayJay:</p><p></p><p>Sorry you are going through this and it is not easy. It is not a sprint but a marathon.</p><p></p><p>Your stepdaughter may not really be a "bad person". It is the drug use that is causing her behaviors and poor choices. Your wife knows that her real daughter is "in there somewhere" and it's pretty damned hard for a mother to give up on her child. Trust me. I know.</p><p></p><p>Instead of attacking each other - which is what happens to marriages when you are dealing with this - mine included, I'd suggest going to therapy together to figure out HOW TO DEAL WITH what is happening in your lives.</p><p></p><p>If daughter is not living with you, that is a great start. But your wife cannot allow your daughter to pull her into the drama which can be done off-site unfortunately! She cannot allow her daughter to call her names and be abusive. Period.</p><p></p><p>Your wife needs to learn how to set up healthy boundaries with her daughter. This will be better for all involved. Your wife will feel better, your life will be better and it will shift the responsibility on to the daughter for her own life!</p><p></p><p>You probably can't change your stepdaughter, but YOU TWO can change how you deal with her. It doesn't mean your wife does not love her. It actually is what true love really is. Standing out of the way and letting daughter make her own life and follow her own path. She is an adult.</p><p></p><p>We started dealing with this when our son was 15 and he is almost 22 and no longer in our home and our home is peaceful but he is still struggling and has had many setbacks. Drug use alters their brain. They don't think like they should. But there is hope that they eventually will turn it around. It does happen. </p><p></p><p>In the meantime, you two deserve to be happy and enjoy each other and YOUR life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="RN0441, post: 713786, member: 15032"] RayJay: Sorry you are going through this and it is not easy. It is not a sprint but a marathon. Your stepdaughter may not really be a "bad person". It is the drug use that is causing her behaviors and poor choices. Your wife knows that her real daughter is "in there somewhere" and it's pretty damned hard for a mother to give up on her child. Trust me. I know. Instead of attacking each other - which is what happens to marriages when you are dealing with this - mine included, I'd suggest going to therapy together to figure out HOW TO DEAL WITH what is happening in your lives. If daughter is not living with you, that is a great start. But your wife cannot allow your daughter to pull her into the drama which can be done off-site unfortunately! She cannot allow her daughter to call her names and be abusive. Period. Your wife needs to learn how to set up healthy boundaries with her daughter. This will be better for all involved. Your wife will feel better, your life will be better and it will shift the responsibility on to the daughter for her own life! You probably can't change your stepdaughter, but YOU TWO can change how you deal with her. It doesn't mean your wife does not love her. It actually is what true love really is. Standing out of the way and letting daughter make her own life and follow her own path. She is an adult. We started dealing with this when our son was 15 and he is almost 22 and no longer in our home and our home is peaceful but he is still struggling and has had many setbacks. Drug use alters their brain. They don't think like they should. But there is hope that they eventually will turn it around. It does happen. In the meantime, you two deserve to be happy and enjoy each other and YOUR life. [/QUOTE]
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