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My "wonderful" weekend and suicidal ideation
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637037" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There are two more things I would like to say.</p><p></p><p>Actually, I think about suicide too, sometimes. When I am really angry, when the bad seems to win every time, I think about suicide as a defiant act. I think about it as a kind of protest.</p><p></p><p>Sort of the ultimate "**** You."</p><p></p><p>Warrior Oriental cultures see suicide that way.</p><p></p><p>See refusing to stay in the lives we are living as a valid protest against the seeming futility or the mindless, unending cruelty.</p><p></p><p>I agree with that view of suicide.</p><p></p><p>Suicide as protest.</p><p></p><p>But...life MWM, simply to be here, living and breathing and present, is a mind bogglingly lucky thing that happened, to you, and to me, too.</p><p></p><p>Surely, out of everything that might have been in the generations-long genetic gamble that brought us both to healthy life and now, to healthy, functional maturity...there is a purpose.</p><p></p><p>We are the helpers, MWM.</p><p></p><p>There are so many things we did not fix. But who is to say what conditions would have been, in our spheres of influence, had we not been there, battling away?</p><p></p><p>Remember that old movie, that Christmas classic with Jimmy Stewart and the angel who was working for his wings and the little girl who says that every time a bell rings, another angel has received its wings?</p><p></p><p>That's us, that's our story too, MWM.</p><p></p><p>Remember when the angel showed what life would have been for his family and his town had the mild mannered, decent, and ultimately discouraged Jimmy Stewart character never lived?</p><p></p><p>I am totally blown away too by this getting uglier, getting weaker, feeling as though I am too tired to continue being me of oldness.</p><p></p><p>But I remember what it was to be an attractive young female.</p><p></p><p>I remember when that was my only value.</p><p></p><p>So, sometimes, though I would rather be young and firm and flashy...I think this time of quiet presence, of observation, might be a gift to us, MWM.</p><p></p><p>And though I dont much care for the powerless of this time...I'm pretty sure we are here on purpose, still.</p><p></p><p>It takes a certain kind of defiance, a different kind of self definition to choose life as we age.</p><p></p><p>Stay with us, MWM.</p><p></p><p>We will witness for one another.</p><p></p><p>I think that each of us who finds something of value, here on this site, is here on purpose, and for a purpose very different than whatever it is we think we are here for.</p><p></p><p>We are the good guys, the helpers, MWM.</p><p></p><p>That is a hard thing to be...but we are necessary, MWM.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637037, member: 17461"] There are two more things I would like to say. Actually, I think about suicide too, sometimes. When I am really angry, when the bad seems to win every time, I think about suicide as a defiant act. I think about it as a kind of protest. Sort of the ultimate "**** You." Warrior Oriental cultures see suicide that way. See refusing to stay in the lives we are living as a valid protest against the seeming futility or the mindless, unending cruelty. I agree with that view of suicide. Suicide as protest. But...life MWM, simply to be here, living and breathing and present, is a mind bogglingly lucky thing that happened, to you, and to me, too. Surely, out of everything that might have been in the generations-long genetic gamble that brought us both to healthy life and now, to healthy, functional maturity...there is a purpose. We are the helpers, MWM. There are so many things we did not fix. But who is to say what conditions would have been, in our spheres of influence, had we not been there, battling away? Remember that old movie, that Christmas classic with Jimmy Stewart and the angel who was working for his wings and the little girl who says that every time a bell rings, another angel has received its wings? That's us, that's our story too, MWM. Remember when the angel showed what life would have been for his family and his town had the mild mannered, decent, and ultimately discouraged Jimmy Stewart character never lived? I am totally blown away too by this getting uglier, getting weaker, feeling as though I am too tired to continue being me of oldness. But I remember what it was to be an attractive young female. I remember when that was my only value. So, sometimes, though I would rather be young and firm and flashy...I think this time of quiet presence, of observation, might be a gift to us, MWM. And though I dont much care for the powerless of this time...I'm pretty sure we are here on purpose, still. It takes a certain kind of defiance, a different kind of self definition to choose life as we age. Stay with us, MWM. We will witness for one another. I think that each of us who finds something of value, here on this site, is here on purpose, and for a purpose very different than whatever it is we think we are here for. We are the good guys, the helpers, MWM. That is a hard thing to be...but we are necessary, MWM. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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My "wonderful" weekend and suicidal ideation
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