My worst nightmare

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rdugirl, Mar 5, 2009.

  1. rdugirl

    rdugirl New Member

    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  2. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Hi there, I don't know your story at all, but did want to say that I'm sorry your son has brought this situation to your family. I know how frightening it is and how angry their irresponsible behavior can make you. I'll keep my fingers crossed it's a false alarm and your difficult child learns to act in a more responsible manner. One can hope right?
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh sweet twisted logic! How old are these nitwits again? He is 15 and she is what? Roughly the same age I hope.

    What are their plans? Just where is that white picket fence coming from? Oh I know....they are gonna live in housing, get on welfare and support themselves on Good thinking. Except that only lasts two years now and that will run out before they get out of school!

    Good thinking kids!
  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm going to ask a question - are you sure the girl is really pregnant? Could this just be a stall on your son's part?

    At 14, and with all the trouble and issues he has, this is the last thing he needs. He may be feeling this is making him a man and he is strutting around like a rooster - but reality will set in and he will regret this choice - I'm just sure of it. But, he's made his own life choice, and he will have to support this child for life. Perhaps that's one thing he needs. A reality check.

    You know, we can sit here and tell you that it's more the odd and your son needs an evaluation, but it's clear you are dealing with a 14 year old who is stubborn and won't cooperate. I'm not sure what the options are at this point.

    I know there are parents here who have had issues with kids this young. Perhaps they can make recommendations as to what options you have. Sounds to me like he won't cooperate with any kind of therapy or evaluations. He won't talk or won't go.

    I ask other members, what are rdu's options at this point?

  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I was going to ask the same question as Sharon. And if the girl is pregnant, are your sure your son is the father?

    Regardless of whether the pregancy sitaution scenario is true, it sounds to me as if you need to get him into treatment away from home. Is a wilderness program or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a viable option for you at this point?

    We are actually in the process of considering a wilderness program for our son J, who although medically stable, is therapy-resistant, socially withdrawn and academically underachieving. Once he finishes the wilderness program, he will likely go into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for about 9 months.

    What you need to understand about wilderness programs is that they are not a final destination. They typically run for 1 to 2 months, assess the teen, begin initial treatment and then make recommendations for future placement. They break down the barriers so the teen is able to access the therapeutic process, but the short time in a wilderness program is not enough for full recovery.

    I do think getting your son appropriate treatment is far better than getting involved in the juvenile justice system if you can avoid it. You can't punish a disorder out of a child; you need to treat it.

    When you get a chance, it would be helpful to create a signature similar to mine below so we know the details of your family when we want to respond to your posts. Here's a link with instructions on how to create a signature:
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi there!

    Slow down...take...a...DEEP....breath.

    IF this girl really is will want to establish proof of paternity before your son is legally responsible for anything. So that is a ways off....

    on the other hand--it does sound like he needs some serious help ASAP. It sounds like he's trying to find reasons to "trump" your authority. {I'm a father now, so Ha Ha I don't have to listen to you...}.

    Is he/you/the family working with any kind of a counselor or anything?
  8. Are you sure that she is pregnant?

    It seems that you don't think too much of the family but what about surprising them by turning up with a flower and congratulate both her and the parents with the soon to happen family extention.

    You could start to ask the parents for a meeting so you all can sit down and find out where this new family wants to live, because you have no room for a mother and a newborn.

    I am not sure that this girl has broken the news about the baby to her parents if it is not a lie to make you avoid the wilderness program.

    Maybe - just maybe two teens could be on the way to the wilderness in a near future. It could be a lie and then you have the upper hand, where you could work with this family instead of against this family.
  9. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I did a search for NC minimum marriage age - it is 16 with parental permission, or emancipated minor, though 14 or older if a baby is involved, but a judge must provide a court order for that type of marriage to go through.

    I presume you've grounded this child for his outrageous behavior, and he is ignoring your house rules and expectations. In his mind, he has replaced you as the authority figure in YOUR home. It doesn't help that the system continues to reinforce his thinking.

    If it were me (and it was for a time with my difficult child), I would call the police EVERY time he walked out of your home without permission. Report him as a runaway. I also called the national runaway hotline, and the Center for Missing & Exploited Children. I made reports there, too. You would then have the documentation you WILL need when you are in a court room, a therapist's office, the school, etc. to show you did not shirk your responsibilities as a parent.

    I got a business card from every cop, social worker, attorney, doctor - anyone I came into contact with regarding N*. I put the date and time on the back of the card, and a short note about what our contact was for. I have multiple cards from the same person if I saw him/her more than once. Later, I put this info on an excel spread sheet. I inserted columns for date & time, incident, what difficult child did, what I did, type of contact (school admin, police, attorney, court, juvenile detention, probation officer), outcome of contact, amount of time involved (number of hours), out of pocket costs - you get the picture.

    Nobody was going to tell me I didn't try to move mountains to help my child.

    Some practical suggestions for the short term - stop doing things for difficult child. Laundry for difficult child is his responsibility - he's not going to school anyway.

    If difficult child wants to eat, he can make it himself. Get rid of the snack foods, soda, desserts. Get the very limited basics: Bread, peanut butter, bologna (no pricey deli meat) store brand sugar free cold cereals, skim milk, apples, oranges (whatever fruit is on sale), carrots and celery.

    He does not appreciate what you are providing for him now - where you can stop providing it, stop doing it.

    Many insurance providers have a 24 hour mental health crisis line. If yours does, call them. Consider contacting a Tough Love group- I don't know if they have a crisis line or not.

    I'm going to pray for everyone involved in your life - and hope that this baby would be placed with a commited married couple who can provide life's necessities - which begin with a stable home of their own.

    Special hugs for you today. Be strong.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. 14 yo's having a baby is just scary. Gentle hugs for your frazzled nerves.

    CJ is EXACTLY right. When difficult child is out, get rid of all his stuff except 1 week's clothes (and not the "cool" clothes, the boring ones he doesn't really like), strip his room to mattress on the floor, dresser with 1 week's clothes, blanket, pillow, sheets. Clock to get himself up, lamp if there is no overhead light. NO tv, radio, cd player, mp3 player, NOTHING.

    And follow CJ's advice re: reporting him EVERY time he sets foot outside/off your property with-o permission. Just keep doing it. Document EVERYTHING. The business cards are a great way to document things.

    If you find weed or other drugs in his room or possession, CALL THE COPS. INSIST they take him in as you do NOT want to tolerate that in your home.

    He is going to be furious. Keep your cell phone and cordless phone on your person at all times. Lock your door at night when you sleep.

    I hope you can get him into court soon and get him into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    Gentle hugs,

  11. They both need a real dose of reality. Don't they have programs for young moms and dads, where they can learn to change diaper etc? The school board here is talking about buying a electronic robot baby, so teens can train with it. Do they offer something similar in your town?

    I just cry thinking about what kind of world this little newborn would enter.

    I think you should push him hard and forget about the wilderness program for right now. Tell him that he has to learn how to run a home because you will turn him over to the state because either you or the poor Grandmother can have this new family living in the house.

    He needs to learn it all starting now. He needs to learn how to wash clothes, clean etc. Recently I saw a boot camp model where you could hire an instructor to come home to you and exercise the kids and learn them respect in your own home. It is run by person who participated in the Jenny Jones shows as boot camp instructor. It was actually my second choice for my own child.

    The pregnancy is so new that the girl would have no problem being a part of it if you and the Grandmother teamed up together and send her home to you during such a weekend. It would make it cheaper and learn both responsibility.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to send support. I am so sorry.
    And sorry for the baby, too. I truly hope this girl makes one wise choice in her life and places the baby for adoption.
  13. C.J.

    C.J. New Member


    So sorry for the latest round of difficult child nastiness. I'd be calling the police so much they'd just be driving by my street every ten minutes to cut down on the response time.

    There is some good news - "The juvenile detention officer said that won't work, they are there to protect the children not the parents?" - when new baby is born, if baby is not placed for adoption after birth - call CPS. Use their own philosophy against them - I don't care what anyone says - a 15 year old with a baby is a nightmare. They cannot adequately care for a child on their own.

    Perhaps once your difficult child is safely housed in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or juvenile detention - sounds like he could be headed there soon - perhaps his parental rights could be terminated for being unable to fulfill his obligation as a father. Maybe it would make adoption easier. Something to look into down the road.

    Keep safe.
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    difficult child is not going to turn into a "dad" with the birth of a child. He will be a difficult child except there will be 2 more people he will harm. Child and child's mom.
    The pregnancy is terrible news but this is not his low point. He will continue to use people and run uncontrolled until there is a roadblock.

    I'm sorry to say that I don't have experience or real suggestions. I know you are frantic. Take a deep breath.