My X is in jail...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by AppleCori, Dec 23, 2016.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Well, it happened.

    I kinda knew it would come to this, so I can't say I was surprised, but I am very sad.

    And a bit worried.

    Assault.

    The victim was not seriously injured, fortunately.

    It is so pitiful. He used to be a very successful engineer, on the fast-track, brilliant, made a lot of money, was a good person. Then mental illness struck, and it went down hill from there.

    Now, he had burned so many bridges, did so many not-nice things to friends and relatives, I don't see how things will end well for him. He has driven everyone away.

    He is in jail for the first time in his life (as far as I know) at close to 60 years old.

    I am going out today to look at a house. We are considering moving (again).

    My mother is now worried that he may come this way when he gets out, which has made me start worrying about the what ifs. Will he try to contact us? He has never bothered to, but he is now so unpredictable.

    Just sad.

    Thanks for listening.

    Apple
     
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry apple for your worry. Please try to stay away from the what if game...it's never productive.

    Warm thoughts
     
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Thanks, MOF.

    Shouldn't I be pro-active, though?

    Have a plan just in case?

    We are considering moving, though I hate to move my daughter away from her friends in the neighborhood.

    Should I get a handgun instead?

    I have thought about it. My mom has always had one, my sister has always had one, maybe it's time I should get one. But then, maybe moving would be better, so I can just hopefully avoid any confrontation. No contact would be my preference, but would I be moving for nothing?

    His own mother is moving to an undisclosed location that they are keeping him from knowing about. My mother is worried that he will come to her house (he knows where she lives).

    His (now x) girlfriend has temporarily moved. Everyone is living in fear.

    Just not sure if I am over-reacting.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy Apple, I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that. I have a number of mentally ill folks in my family too, so I understand your concerns.

    None of us know the full situation here, but geez, so many people willing to up and get out of Dodge, has he been violent before?
    Do you consider him dangerous? How long will he be in jail?

    I have no answers for you, safety is a big issue and if you don't feel safe, then perhaps moving would bring you solace.......but .......I just don't know.....

    Last year I had a mentally ill guy target me at my job. He keyed my car. He was so strange, hyper and unpredictable, I was afraid. Ultimately I worked at home until I retired. Feeling that fear that someone may try to hurt me had an impact on my health, my blood pressure was high, I had anxiety.......it was like waiting for something bad to happen all the time. We didn't know if he would come after me or not. All kinds of precautions were taken at my office when I had to be there, but that yucky feeling knowing that there was an unbalanced person out there who let it be known he was "after" me, was very unsettling. I know how you feel. And, I have no answers for you either. Ultimately the guy left town and I began to feel safe again.

    That's a hard call. The issue with mentally ill folks is that they are unpredictable and with skewered thinking it's pretty hard to determine how they will react. I wish I had some advice for you, but all of you have to take care of yourselves in whatever ways you feel necessary.

    Sending prayers for the safety of all of you and sending a hug for you too......I'm so sorry.....
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow, I hadn't heard about your problems with the mentally ill person from work! Glad it is over!

    Yes, he has been violent.

    When I told my hubby about the latest incident, I actually said, "he is escalating. He has never been violent before". Of course, hubby looked at me and said, "what do you mean, he has never been violent? He was with you!" And I said, "well, but that's different...."

    This person isn't a relative that he assaulted this time.

    Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

    He has been violent with his mom, and I only know of a few incidents, probably not everything that has happened. He has lived with her on and off for years. Gets kicked out, escalates, hospitalization, gets stabilized, rinse and repeat.

    Now, I think her other kids have stepped in and are not going to allow that to continue.

    Who knows about the girlfriend? I can only assume there have been threats, if not more. She has gone to her kids' for a while, but will probably go back, as she works at a college, but reportedly, is thinking about moving to a new town in the area.

    My adult kids have never given him their addresses.

    However, it is easy to find someone if you are willing to do some searching. Not sure how much a move would help.

    I'm in a quandary right now.

    Thanks for responding.

    It helps.

    Apple
     
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Do you have any idea how long he could be incarcerated? He may just dig his own hole deeper and take care of the situation for you. I'm guessing prison will stabilise him.
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Moving might be a temporary solution. Sooner or later (probably sooner) your address would end up online on a database. For a small fee it could be found, if even a small fee was needed to find it.

    How comfortable are you with guns around your children? Are you familiar with handguns? Are you willing to drill gun safety into your children? Your 11 would NEED to learn at least the basics of gun safety, in my opinion. Otherwise having a handgun in the house would be very dangerous. Kids are just naturally curious and very little a parent can do would keep a child from exploring a gun if they can get to one. Studies have shown this over and over. Parents want to think that telling a child to stay away will work on their child, but that just isn't true. It is far better to make sure a child knows the basics of gun safety so that they won't accidentally harm themselves or someone else rather than to pretend that telling them to stay away will keep them safe.

    If you get a handgun, PLEASE spend enough time at the range to be fully comfortable with it and to be a decent shot. Not a marksman, but decent and safe. Being unfamiliar with your gun puts you in far more danger than an intruder will.

    I know I sound a bit odd about this, but my father could be called a gun nut. He has strong Aspie traits and was on his rifle team in college. If he had been in the military he would have been a sniper. I was taught to shoot as a child and at our gun club he was one of the best - it was a large club. A couple of years ago he got back into shooting as a hobby and into gun collecting. So I have learned more about gun safety and how people get hurt with their own guns far more often than they get hurt by the intruders they get the guns to protect themselves from.

    The other big problem with guns for self defense is that you are far more likely to have the gun taken from you and used against you. It is something to think about. You have to know that you will be willing to shoot and kill (if you are not willing to kill, don't pick up the gun, period.). This is especially true if the person you are afraid of is someone you know, someone you once loved. If you don't think you can pull that trigger and kill that person, don't have the gun in the house. If the gun is taken from you, it is likely that it will be used to kill you.

    I am sorry to be alarmist. I cannot cite the studies right now behind these things (usually I could, right now my brain is sort of fried, sorry). But I know that even the NRA doesn't dispute some of these things, like the gun being used against you if the intruder is someone you once loved if you cannot pull that trigger and aim to kill. There is a reason the police don't aim to wound. Not only is it incredibly difficult, it often just makes the person really, really angry. Someone who is on drugs or who is mentally ill may not register the pain normally and may not stop.coming if they are just wounded. So you have to be ready to aim to kill if you are going to aim, and you have to be ready to pull that trigger.

    Otherwise, a cell phone that has reception and is fully charged is a good defense. It cannot be used against you, it cannot harm your children, and you don't have to worry about what happens if you just wound the person.

    You can also get other items for self defense instead of a gun. Pepper spray is very effective. So are stun guns if they are legal in your state. My mother has one and boy will it lay you out but it won't kill you. Some are built into flashlights or keychains and are quite affordable.

    You can get a key chain that looks like a cat that has pointy ears that you put your fingers in and use to hit someone. They are pretty effective for women. Or so I have been told.

    Check with the local police to see what is legal in your area before you go and buy something. Certain things may be illegal and using them could get you in big trouble. You also want to know if you have stand your ground or castle laws in your state. I know for a while if you shot someone in my state if it was inside your home it was self defense but if the person was just trying to get in and fell outside the window or was stuck half in and half out, you were in big trouble. So the cops might advise you to pull him in and then call back. Not officially advise you, of course, but . . . . Mostly because it was kind of dumb if it was obvious that the person was breaking in but you managed to stop them before they got fully into your home, then you would spend life in jail, but if they got a foot more into your home and fell inside then you wouldn't even see the inside of a cell. So knowing what the rules are where you live is important.

    I am so very sorry about your ex. I truly hope and pray that he won't ever come looking for you. If he does, I hope that he is mentally stable and comes with peace and love in his heart. If he comes with other intentions, I hope that you and your family are safe.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
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