Nancy, how are you doing today?
- Thread starter Kathy813
- Start date
Hi Kathy, thanks for asking. I'm doing OK I guess. I finished painting easy child's old bedroom. Two rooms in five days, not bad for this old lady. They both look nice and I'm glad I did them.
I deactivated my facebook acount because I couldn't stand seeing difficult child's photos and comments. I don't want to watch her self destruct anymore.
husband told easy child he will send her and I to Las Vegas in July to a kindergarten conference so I am excited and it's something to look forward to. It's at the Venetian and husband and I stayed there two years ago for a conference he went to and it's very nice. I am trying to come to terms with not having difficult child in my life. In some ways I feel free to finally be able to do some of the things with easy child that I never got to do because of difficult child. I am trying to think of easy child as an only child now, they really never had a relationship at all and never will and I have a lot of guilt for what she went through with difficult child. So now I'm thinking about how this is the way it would have been if difficult child was never here, I would have been able to focus all my attention on easy child and husband and I would have been happy, so I just have to erase the twenty years that came in between.
I'm trying to let go of that kite string. I know Sig, maybe it's not possible for mothers to do that, but I'm trying to give it as much slack as I possibly can. I don't really want the kite back, I just want to know it will be OK. I am most afraid of her getting arrested, I am not even as afraid of her dying. I know that sounds strange but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that she will ruin her life so badly that I will have to worry the rest of my life about her, instead of having closure.
Strange thoughts running around in my head. I am not depressed, more of an anxious feeling. I'm not sleeping well but hoping that changes soon. I have my parents meeting Tueday and I'm not sure I want to go. All of the parents are wonderful but their difficult child's are all in recovery. I also resent the fact that she is the addict and I am the one going to meetings. In my head I know that it's for me, not her, but it's almost like I am in addiction overload. Why should I go listen to people talk about their kids in recovery when mine is spiraling out of control. I want to get away from addiction talk and drugs and alochol and everything else related. I want a normal life for a change.
So that's what's going on.
Nancy
I deactivated my facebook acount because I couldn't stand seeing difficult child's photos and comments. I don't want to watch her self destruct anymore.
husband told easy child he will send her and I to Las Vegas in July to a kindergarten conference so I am excited and it's something to look forward to. It's at the Venetian and husband and I stayed there two years ago for a conference he went to and it's very nice. I am trying to come to terms with not having difficult child in my life. In some ways I feel free to finally be able to do some of the things with easy child that I never got to do because of difficult child. I am trying to think of easy child as an only child now, they really never had a relationship at all and never will and I have a lot of guilt for what she went through with difficult child. So now I'm thinking about how this is the way it would have been if difficult child was never here, I would have been able to focus all my attention on easy child and husband and I would have been happy, so I just have to erase the twenty years that came in between.
I'm trying to let go of that kite string. I know Sig, maybe it's not possible for mothers to do that, but I'm trying to give it as much slack as I possibly can. I don't really want the kite back, I just want to know it will be OK. I am most afraid of her getting arrested, I am not even as afraid of her dying. I know that sounds strange but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that she will ruin her life so badly that I will have to worry the rest of my life about her, instead of having closure.
Strange thoughts running around in my head. I am not depressed, more of an anxious feeling. I'm not sleeping well but hoping that changes soon. I have my parents meeting Tueday and I'm not sure I want to go. All of the parents are wonderful but their difficult child's are all in recovery. I also resent the fact that she is the addict and I am the one going to meetings. In my head I know that it's for me, not her, but it's almost like I am in addiction overload. Why should I go listen to people talk about their kids in recovery when mine is spiraling out of control. I want to get away from addiction talk and drugs and alochol and everything else related. I want a normal life for a change.
So that's what's going on.
Nancy
I understand totally. That's why I won't go to counseling. I know many on the board disagree but my difficult child is the one with a problem not me and I am tired of spending my time and money on something that has never worked. I feel the same way about al-anon.
My difficult child and easy child don't have any sort of relationship, either. easy child doesn't want one and difficult child doesn't know how to fix the damage she has done to their relationship. difficult child complains sometimes that easy child doesn't act like difficult child is even her sister but I told her that she has brought it all on herself. easy child has expressed regret that she doesn't have a sister to share things with like her friends do but doesn't think difficult child will ever be able to provide her with that type of relationship.
Sad, isn't it?
I also understand your thoughts about death and difficult child's. I know that we don't want them dead but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to bear than a lifetime of pain. There were times that I wished she was in jail, too.
On to a happier topic . . . I'm glad that you got the rooms painted. What colors did you paint them? I think a trip to Vegas with easy child is a great idea! I love Vegas.
My difficult child and easy child don't have any sort of relationship, either. easy child doesn't want one and difficult child doesn't know how to fix the damage she has done to their relationship. difficult child complains sometimes that easy child doesn't act like difficult child is even her sister but I told her that she has brought it all on herself. easy child has expressed regret that she doesn't have a sister to share things with like her friends do but doesn't think difficult child will ever be able to provide her with that type of relationship.
Sad, isn't it?
I also understand your thoughts about death and difficult child's. I know that we don't want them dead but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to bear than a lifetime of pain. There were times that I wished she was in jail, too.
On to a happier topic . . . I'm glad that you got the rooms painted. What colors did you paint them? I think a trip to Vegas with easy child is a great idea! I love Vegas.
I painted difficult child's old room a blue with a hint of green. It has white woodwork and the blue looks really nice. I had a couple pictures of ocean scenes that were in the right colors and now that room is my relaxing room. I put a chair and little table in the corner. It use to be purple with white splotches (don't know what you call that) so it's much more peaceful now.
easy child's room use to be a very deep pink on three walls and the window wall which is a window seat was deep blue. I painted it a soft pink but had to do two coats because of the dark paint I covered.
I know not very imaginative, pink and blue, but the rooms both have pink carpeting and I didn't want to change that now so it all matches nicely and will be good if we eventually sell this house. Now I may do the old guest room which has been used for storage of out of season clothes and other items. I cleaned it all out and just have a few more clothes to get rid of and I may make it my sewing room. It will be easier to paint because there isn't much furniture in it.
Nancy
easy child's room use to be a very deep pink on three walls and the window wall which is a window seat was deep blue. I painted it a soft pink but had to do two coats because of the dark paint I covered.
I know not very imaginative, pink and blue, but the rooms both have pink carpeting and I didn't want to change that now so it all matches nicely and will be good if we eventually sell this house. Now I may do the old guest room which has been used for storage of out of season clothes and other items. I cleaned it all out and just have a few more clothes to get rid of and I may make it my sewing room. It will be easier to paint because there isn't much furniture in it.
Nancy
T
toughlovin
Guest
Nancy,
I have thought about you and what you are going through so much....it is so close to home really as I may be where you are in a few weeks. Time will tell. I have had those thoughts about death bringing closure... my fear however is that it won't really. And jail is awful too... but at least there hopefully they are not using. I think one of my biggest fear is that he will keep using, keeping getting into worse drugs and I will still be in this same place 20 years from now!! It is knowing that he could still be in the same place in 20 years that makes me realize I need to keep moving on so that no matter where he is in 20 years, I am in a good place. Ya know retired, living on a beach, traveling the world, and enjyoing my life!!!
I so wish both of you lived near me so I could take you to the parents alanon group we go to!! It is filled with parents with kids in all stages of addiction. Some have kids in recovery, some have kids in the throes of addiction, some have kids who were in recovery who have relapsed. You get the picture... and all ages too. So some with kids who are teens or young adults, and some with older kids who are in their 30s or 40s. The focus is really on how to take of ourselves, what we can do to heal.... and it sounds like that is what you want right now. At some point it is time to stop focusing on the addict and their problems and find ways to move on in spite of what they are doing.
I do like the kite analogy.... and yeah let that string out as far as it can go right now, let that kite fly out of sight, get caught in trees or crash to the ground, but the string is so far out you don't have to know it. Maybe you feel a tug here and there but you don't go looking for that kite.
TL
I have thought about you and what you are going through so much....it is so close to home really as I may be where you are in a few weeks. Time will tell. I have had those thoughts about death bringing closure... my fear however is that it won't really. And jail is awful too... but at least there hopefully they are not using. I think one of my biggest fear is that he will keep using, keeping getting into worse drugs and I will still be in this same place 20 years from now!! It is knowing that he could still be in the same place in 20 years that makes me realize I need to keep moving on so that no matter where he is in 20 years, I am in a good place. Ya know retired, living on a beach, traveling the world, and enjyoing my life!!!
I so wish both of you lived near me so I could take you to the parents alanon group we go to!! It is filled with parents with kids in all stages of addiction. Some have kids in recovery, some have kids in the throes of addiction, some have kids who were in recovery who have relapsed. You get the picture... and all ages too. So some with kids who are teens or young adults, and some with older kids who are in their 30s or 40s. The focus is really on how to take of ourselves, what we can do to heal.... and it sounds like that is what you want right now. At some point it is time to stop focusing on the addict and their problems and find ways to move on in spite of what they are doing.
I do like the kite analogy.... and yeah let that string out as far as it can go right now, let that kite fly out of sight, get caught in trees or crash to the ground, but the string is so far out you don't have to know it. Maybe you feel a tug here and there but you don't go looking for that kite.
TL
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I am glad to hear you at least sound resolved somewhat. The rooms sound nice. Kidnap me and take me to Vegas too...lol. After what I am going through here, I think separating your kids is probably for the best. I would have never believed that before but then seeing the damage a 53 year old addict is doing in my life...just wow. And yes, he claims he isnt an addict too.
Nancy- i could have written your post on 3-24. I know what you mean about wanting closure. If he were dead it would be better for him and us than my family and I spending the rest of our lives with him behind bars. And yes I agree alanon stinks. All those happy people with their recovered loved ones. Plus, most of them had a family member that was not their child. Of course I could pick up the pieces if we were talking about a spouse or a father or whatever. There is no comparison.
T
toughlovin
Guest
Ga
I found an alanon group for parents....it has been an amazing source of support because it is a live group of people going through what i am but who are finding ways to go on with their lives. I have so needed to know that is possible.
I agree it is really different when it is your child....and i would hate the meeting if everyone elses child was in recovery.
TL
I found an alanon group for parents....it has been an amazing source of support because it is a live group of people going through what i am but who are finding ways to go on with their lives. I have so needed to know that is possible.
I agree it is really different when it is your child....and i would hate the meeting if everyone elses child was in recovery.
TL
Most areas have quite a few different alanon groups for just this reason. Not every group is alike. Not every group at the same facility is alike either. AA an Alanon ask you to do a min of 7 in 7 and prefer 30 in 30 for just this reason. It pushes you to go to meetings in different places and different times and this is helpful because you can find one that really fits what you need and want and you also know which ones just drive you batty. We used to have one meeting that was mostly a gritchfest or litany of sins of the addict in your life. A lot of people avoided it after a time or two, but the seven or so who went seemed to need that.
You also might find something better suited for you at Narc anon family meetings or families anonymous. If not, a private therapist might help. i am sorry the meetings were not more helpful.
You also might find something better suited for you at Narc anon family meetings or families anonymous. If not, a private therapist might help. i am sorry the meetings were not more helpful.
Tiredof33
Active Member
I was told by a well meaning person (I hope so anyway!) that I was selfish when I said my life would be so much easier if I had not had this child. She told me that we all have a plan before we are born and that we all agreed before we are born what the lessons to learn on earth are. That there are no coindences in life only plans.
I kept my mouth shut and thought to my self there is no way in h*** I would have agreed to agrowing up in poverty with an alcoholic father, marrying young to get out of the house and he is another abusive alcoholic drug user, having an out of control son that blames me for his problems because I chose to work to get us out of poverty.
I'm still looking for the lesson(s) I have learned! Other than I should have stopped with the first child.
I kept my mouth shut and thought to my self there is no way in h*** I would have agreed to agrowing up in poverty with an alcoholic father, marrying young to get out of the house and he is another abusive alcoholic drug user, having an out of control son that blames me for his problems because I chose to work to get us out of poverty.
I'm still looking for the lesson(s) I have learned! Other than I should have stopped with the first child.
gabeach, I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. This board is the only place I can say what I am really thinking and know there is no judgement.
I did find a wonderful support group that was formed by a couple parents whose sons are in a local sober house. I had known one of the moms from when my difficult child and her son were in residential treatment together. I am very comfortable in this group. Each week we have a topic and we discuss it and we are ALLOWED to talk about our difficult child's, whereas in most of the al-anon groups I have been in they discourage that. I don;t want to criticize al-anon because many many people find it very helpful, I didn't. And I went to many meetings all over the city and beyond. But my family group now is very supportive.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you can find it helpful.
Nancy
I did find a wonderful support group that was formed by a couple parents whose sons are in a local sober house. I had known one of the moms from when my difficult child and her son were in residential treatment together. I am very comfortable in this group. Each week we have a topic and we discuss it and we are ALLOWED to talk about our difficult child's, whereas in most of the al-anon groups I have been in they discourage that. I don;t want to criticize al-anon because many many people find it very helpful, I didn't. And I went to many meetings all over the city and beyond. But my family group now is very supportive.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you can find it helpful.
Nancy
Elsieshaye
Member
Tired, I hate the "it's all part of some plan" argument. Ok, so I was strengthened by my experience with my parents and my ex-husband (and the 20 years of therapy I've engaged in because of both of them), but surely I didn't sign up for that, and there would've been an easier and less ridiculous, painful and stupid way to gain that knowledge?! I prefer the idea that sh!t happens, and how we deal with it both depends on and shapes who we are.
Tiredof33
Active Member
Elsie, I do too and I refuse to get into a discussion with any of them!! I do believe we all have free will because we live in a country that gives us that right! We also have a huge problem with entitlement in our young adults, OK, maybe we created the problem, maybe not.
I know for my self that I wanted so much more for my children and I worked very hard to give them a better life. My difficult child said in therapy once (as a young child) that I was always working or in school. Maybe I should have just gone on welfare!
I also go with the sh!t happens theory, and they will take us down with them if we let them! and I am shaped enough lol, I just want peace. I had a very stressful first half of my life so statistically this part should be peaceful.
EVEN IF I HAVE TO BE A RECLUSE!!!!!
I know for my self that I wanted so much more for my children and I worked very hard to give them a better life. My difficult child said in therapy once (as a young child) that I was always working or in school. Maybe I should have just gone on welfare!
I also go with the sh!t happens theory, and they will take us down with them if we let them! and I am shaped enough lol, I just want peace. I had a very stressful first half of my life so statistically this part should be peaceful.
EVEN IF I HAVE TO BE A RECLUSE!!!!!
rejectedmom
New Member
Nancy, I could have written your post it resounds so well with me. I have sometimes wished that difficult child#2 had not entered my life. I have come to peace with the fact that I gave up 20 years of my life trying to help him reach his full potential and protecting him. But I do wish I had not... I missed out on alot while tending to his education and needs and look where it led him. I feel like it was an effort in futility.
My other children suffered greatly from his thefts and destruction of their belongings and also from the shame of his crimes and incarcerations. They worried about him right along with husband and I. It was very hard on me when I reached the realization that was accomplished as a result of our hard work and sacrifice was to merely give him a nice childhood. Somehow that has to be enough for us.
I have stopped worrying about him for the most part because it depletes me so. I cannot stop worring about what he might do to me my family or others however. I try to limit those kinds of thoughts to only a little bit of time. My sanity is important to me and those thoughts could make me crazy if allowed to.
Could final closure be better than this other type of sadness we (severe difficult child parents) are forced to live and not give in to? I don't know but I sometimes think so. Is this just a phase we are going through due to being beaten down over and over again? Maybe,... only time will tell.
My other children suffered greatly from his thefts and destruction of their belongings and also from the shame of his crimes and incarcerations. They worried about him right along with husband and I. It was very hard on me when I reached the realization that was accomplished as a result of our hard work and sacrifice was to merely give him a nice childhood. Somehow that has to be enough for us.
I have stopped worrying about him for the most part because it depletes me so. I cannot stop worring about what he might do to me my family or others however. I try to limit those kinds of thoughts to only a little bit of time. My sanity is important to me and those thoughts could make me crazy if allowed to.
Could final closure be better than this other type of sadness we (severe difficult child parents) are forced to live and not give in to? I don't know but I sometimes think so. Is this just a phase we are going through due to being beaten down over and over again? Maybe,... only time will tell.
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Well the update on the 26yo we shoved out of the nest is that I've gotten a lot of repentant voice mails. I delete them with-o listening. They are so resourceful when they want drugs. I believe he can get into a free rehab just as easily. But he does not wish to put the effort into same. My husband called salvation army today. They will take him today, free, for 10 months. But he can't use methadone. I am sure he doesn't want to give up his precious methadone cold turkey. We had been paying his $80/week treatment fee For that. But when he stole my credit card, that ceased. I don't see what good it does to be on methadone if the patient still has the desire to steal. And, he is using other things, we feel sure, from his behavior and glassy eyes. I think these types like the date rape drug as it metabolizes so quickly that it is not detected by urine tests. I'm. Not sure; I don't need to know more. I already have more knowledge than Incan bear.
S
Signorina
Guest
I "liked" your post not because I like it - but because I get it. I too know all I need to know...I know enough to know that my difficult child isn't the kid I knew, isn't the kid he's pretending to be, and that he is basically full of bologna (and drugs). That's enough to know...finding out more just adds to the pain, I know enough. {{{hugs}}}
P
PatriotsGirl
Guest
I just want all of you ladies to know my heart is with you all right now... (((hugs)))
