Nancy, How Are You Doing?

[DDD]

I know how quickly circumstances can change and am wondering how you are hanging in. Have you made any peace with the choices you and husband have made? Has
difficult child decided for long term care or is she still floating among her "friends"??

My thoughts are with you. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thinking about you too, Nancy.....

 

[toughlovin]

Me too Nancy.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks for asking DDD. She's still out of the house. She stayed in a hotel the first night and then went to her friend's the next night. She thought she was going to be living there but the mom called and told me she can't stay there...I don't blame her. She went to the wake of her friend from rehab that overdosed on Christmas day and stayed in a hotel with other former rehab friends, all of whome have relapsed, and they are going to the funeral today. I texted her to tell her that she could not stay at her friend's and I would not be bringing her clothes there and she texted me back swearing, asking me what I told the mom to make her change her mind.

In the meantime I am enjoying the peace. We don't have to lock up our money or worry about where she is or when she will be home, or worry about strange men knowing where we live when they drive her home or be prisoners in our home so that she doesn;t steal us blind. There is no fighting or tension. The house stays clean, there is no cigareete smoke in the garage.

I don't know what will happen later today. I dont; know where these people will drop her off after the funeral. What I do know is that she is too far entrenched into the drug/alcohol/risky sex lifestyle to ever live here.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Chances are that the mourners will provide a place for her. Caring thoughts coming your way each day. Hugs DDD

 

[toughlovin]

Hugs Nancy. It is amazing how much peace there is without or difficult children in the house. I am taking this week off from work and have really just been enjoying staying home and relaxing. As weird as it was not to have my difficult child home for Xmas, in some ways this Xmas has been the best in a long time. Last year was horrible. Somehow when you are in the throws of hiding your money, worrying where they are and what they are doing, watching and counting and locking up any medications, thinking every time you lose something he took it....you forget how peaceful home can be. I am glad you are at least being able to enjoy that to some extent, even with the worry.

 

[Nancy]

She texted telling me she was sorry for swearing and for stealing her sister's bank card. I told her she is only sorry because she has nowhere to go and that her lifestyle made it impossible for her to live here anymore. She said thanks and that she was going to kill herself.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

So how do you feel about that conversation? DDD

 

[Nancy]

I am sick to my stomach. My instinct is I want to rescue her but I know if I do it will start all over again. She has threatened to kill herself so often that it's like crying wolf. on the other hand if she does I will feel awful but as I told her her lifestyle is leading to that. We can't keep her alive. Nothing we have done has helped. She knows where to go for help and what to do but she doesn't want it bad enough yet. I have tried to keep myself busy all day so that I didn't fall completely apart. In some ways she has romanticized her friend's drug death and seen the outpouring of love and support his family got and I think she thinks that will be her. But she doesn't quite understand that she won't be around to see it.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

I thought about the threat in relation to the event of the past couple of days. With such distorted thinking it's possible that she figures it will heighten your concerns. It's all so sad. Sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Wish I could make it better. Hugs DDD

 

[katya02]

Thinking of you tonight, Nancy. I hope you can have a relatively peaceful next twelve hours or so. I sympathize - our difficult child 1 called this afternoon to say that he
wouldn't be over tonight (we're planning a family games night with no alcohol), due to extreme pain from his fall down the stairs two days ago. Funny, I talked
to him yesterday and there was no mention of a fall down the stairs. Either he was drunk then or he made it up, but my radar says he's planning to drink tonight.
He also mentioned possibly needing vicodin for his pain, so he may be adding that to the mix. It's his life but it hoovers to know what's going on and just try to
compartmentalize and carry on. Many hugs to you.

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy - I am so thinking of you tonight and hoping that 2011 will be better for you and all of us with difficult children. It is so impossible emotionally when they do that threats to hurt themselves thing. I think it is manipulation at its worst, mostly because it is impossible to totally ignore but also impossible and unhealthy to give in to. Last year my son did that number on his girlfriend.... he did not do it to us directly but I knew from gfs mother that he was making those threats to her. It of course put her in a bind, but us also because we didn't know how much of it was true and how much of it was him trying to manipulate her. A couple of trips to psychiatric units after overdosing I think made him think twice about making those threats.... Why oh why does he always have to go the tough road to learn lessons most people know from instinct? Anyway I am thinking of you and hoping peaceful thoughts for you tonight.

 

[Nancy]

You gals are my strength. Seriously you are my personal al-anon group. If I didn't have you to understand and talk to I would go crazy. There is a bond between those of us who live this nightmare that helps me get through the day.

She texted last night at 9 asking if she could come home after work until 12 because the person she was staying with didn;t get off work til then and she had nowhere to go. I told her no that we were not a rest stop. We texted back and forth and she said she wanted to come home and I reiterated that her lifestyle made that impossible. he said her life was horrible and that she was tired of not knowing where she would be the next hour or where she would sleep. I told her that she had to tools to change that if she wanted it bad enough. She said she didn't want to be on the street anymore and wanted to come home. I asked her what she was willing to do to make that happen and that we could not and would not live with the drinking and drugs and starnge guys and sex and stealing and lying and staying out all night. She said she was done with that and wanted it to be different. I told her if she was coming home to rest up and leave again to not bother, that she was out of the house and we were adapting and we were ok with that. She said no she wanted to come home.

Right or wrong, good or bad idea, I picked her up at 10. We didn't say much in the car, came home and went to bed. Today husband woke her up and talked to her, asking some questions about what she wanted from us and what her plans were and why should we let her stay. He told her if she was staying for the time being to get up and shovel the driveway and help me with taking the tree downand other house chores. She did that and was pleasant the day. She is home now, we rented movies and there is no New Years Eve celebration here, just a quiet night at home.

I asked about the funeral. She said he died in his sleep, the first time he did heroin. His girlfriend, met at rehab, told difficult child that she was suppose to see him that night but she was mad at him because she knew he was going to get drugs. He called her and she didn't answer the phone. Now he's dead. She's having a very difficult time. They told us at rehab that heroin can and does kill people the first time, it's true. I asked about the other rehab friends we got to know, most all of them have relapsed. In fact I only know one who hasn't, the girlfriend of the deceased. Not a very promising statistic. Many of them have moved on to bigger drugs. In some ways I think rehab makes things worse. I know it did for difficult child. She is worse now than she was before she went and she is much more knowledgeable about other drugs now. But she did learn the tools to change if she wants to.

What will happen now I have no idea. As you know it's a roller coaster. I don;t believe she will change. husband and I hope only that we can get her on her own in the least destructive manner.

Thank you for your support, it means more than you know to me. May we all have a more peaceful 2011.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Nancy I think you are doing a great job of giving her a clear message that if she is drinking etc. She can't be at home. I hope she is serious this time, hopefully this is her bottom. If not and she starts up again then you will be faced with kicking her out again. For now though you are giving her the message that you love her and will be there for her as long as she is not drinking etc. I wonder if shenis tired enough of not knowing where she will sleep to consider sober living?

 

[jinger]

Love for your child is a very strong emotion that cannot be extinguished easily....no matter what the child does or says....it can hurt deeply over and over again...but we all want our children to be safe and alive.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[DDD]

Sending caring thoughts your way. Have you and husband thought about trying a written contract at this juncture? It might be the right time to record the daily expectations, the choice of treatment options she has and the bottom line for failure to comply.

I'm sure she'll want to get a job pronto. That sounds like a good "work ethic" but in fact it diverts her attention from the main problem and provides her with spending money and freedome to socialize. Obviously I don't know your daughter but
I know addiction. She seems to use "work" as a way to avoid making commitments needed for her future. It also gives her access to wheels...temptation and role playing. What about X hours of school on line, X number of AA meetings
or outpatient treatment (as I recall inpatient is out of the question) and only home entertainment in addition to set daily household chores, three square at home etc.?? Don't know if I'm on track but that's what comes to mind this morning.The elimination of phone use might not be bad either. I do think that now is the time for a line drawn in the sand with concrete
reenforcements. For her sake and for yours. Hugs. DDD

 

[Nancy]

DDD she has a job as a sales clerk in one of the big name young girls clothing store. She's been there more than two years now and I am amazed she hasn't been fired. For some reason her managers look out for her, even drobe her home last week when we refused to come get her. If she lost that job it would be difficult for her to find another. She doesn't get that many hours so it's not a long term solution. I wish she would get some type of training so that she is more marketable. We told her she needs to do chores around the house if she wants to live here and she did help a lot today. The problem is that she can be good for two weeks but can't sustain it much longer. I think she's tired of being on the run for now, but then her wild side gets the best of her.

I asked her what her new years resolution was and she said to remain sober. It's a good thought but she hasn't been able to do it yet. I do think that us calling the police to have her removed made a big impression on her. She had to stand outside for an hour in the freezing cold snow for someone to pick her up. She knows we will do it again.

Nancy

 

[HaoZi]

Nancy, wishing you and yours the best, I hope she finds the strength to follow through on her resolution, and you have the strength to handle whatever outcome it bears.

 

[DDD]

Hope I didn't overstep any boundaries. Obviously you all know her. I was brainstorming and thought "gee, if she was on the street she wouldn't be able to work" so perhaps facing her degree of dependency on her family might ring a bell. But, lol, we all know that their heads are made of stone (no pun intended)..so probably hearing is affected too.

Fingers remained crossed and you remain in my thoughts and prayers. (Actually...so does she!) DDD

 

[Nancy]

You could never overstep your boundaries DDD. I appreciate and consider all suggestions. You make so much sense, don't ever think it isn't appreciated or helpful. I think her job is the one thing that keeps her from going off the deep end. She knows if she loses that she won't even be able to buy cigarettes.

Nancy