Nancy - how are you holding UP?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Was just thinking about you today and wondering how you are??

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Star, thanks for asking.

    difficult child is suppose to move into her dorm in 15 days, however she has not packed one thing or gotten anything together or ordered her textbooks or done any of the other prepartions needed to make this happen. So we shall see. She asked to talk to husband the other day and told him she didn't know if she could go wtihout seeing the boyfriend for one day. She must have figured I wouldn't be very sympathetic and she was right. husband told her the alternative was to look for a full time job and find an apartment. She hasn't made any efforts in that direction either.

    Took her to the dentist last week for some fillings and the dentist told me that she will probably need a cap on one of er back teeth and he has never seen so many bad cavaties in such a young person. I just shook my head and said that's what happens when you never brush your teeth.

    Anyway not much else is new. It's very hot and muggy here. This has been a horrible summer, haven't done one thing other than babysit the house so she doesn't move her druggie friends in.

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So she's trying the "DAD" angle huh? I know it's thinking at it's most skewed, but at least it shows she's doing some thinking about her future. I know it's not what you were hoping for, but do you think that possibly she is just so stressed out about it all that she has NO idea where to start? I'm not being sympathetic either - just an observation in as much as she has treated you like dirt she deserves a deaf ear and no more conversation than uh huh and naught uh.

    I wish I had some wise or sage advice for you regarding her - but, the only thing I can offer at this point is a hug and a smile and to let you know that despite me not being really real ;) I think of you often and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Oh and if you should EVER find yourself in need of an extra Browns cheerleader - think of me! lol

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So it finally got hot and muggy huh? Just what do you guys call hot and muggy? Its pushing over 100 here! Tony is working on top of a roof where it is 110 in the blazing sun. Needless to say he is in a horrible mood when he gets home at night. Maybe difficult child should come work with him for a month and that will convince her to get her carcass to
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh Nanc,
    Does sound pretty miserable around sorry.

    My mother used to say, "Tammy rather you decide to DO something or not you STILL are making a choice."

    So what will happen...what are the consequences if difficult child does not go to college and does not get a job/move into her own apt? Will you all set a date and tell her she must be moved out by then?
    Just wondering what the alternatives are.

    Thining of you,
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL Star someday I hope to find out if you are real. I know I spoke with you on the phone, but then again that could have been my overactive imagination. You do somehow manage to appear at the times I need support he most, so is that real or just made up?

    Yeah she doesn't deserve much sympathy or understanding from me. Too bad she never took the time to build a relationship with me, she might have learned that I had experience in that I had been dating husband for three years when he went off to college and I cried myself to sleep for weeks wondering how I would get through. Or how I learned that there were so many other guys out there than I had ever imagined, me going to an all girl's high school. Of course my husband was the best catch and I never gave him up but she might have learned that I understand how she is feeling.

    But then last week she threw a fit on the way home from the dentist because I wanted to take her shopping for a few things for college and she just had to get home to "the boy" and that day I was a blankety blank (very colorful and vulgar terms for female inserted here). No I don't have a sypathetic ear on my head right now and the boyfriend has been disrespectful the entire summer so I could care less about him. I don;t think she stressed about anything to tell you the truth.

    But the Browns need all the cheerleaders they can get. Hopefully I will actually get to go to some games this year.

    Janet, I was just thinking how hot it must be down there now, we use to go to SC on vacation every year about this time and it was almost unbearable. husband was in Florida on business last week and said it was like a blast furnace and he hated it. I think difficult child should have to do manual labor so she could see what it's like. by the way have you ever told your parents you wished you had taken them up on their offer to go to college?

    Tammy, we told her we would give her a couple months to find a job and apartment but that if she was not in school she had to find a place of her own.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Grrrrrrr about difficult child's attitude.
    Doesn't seem like she is going to school or moving out. Needs money for any decision and she isn't making that plan.
    It's awful that she is such a trash talker to you.
    I don't blame you for not having much sympathy.

    On the heat issue..... having lived on both ends of the spectrum from Minnesota and Pittsburgh to Miami, Raleigh and Dallas. Summers are tough but it's equivelent to grueling winters. In some places- Dallas has 6months of summer to Minnesota's 6 months of winter. Both are awful. We just enjoy a/c during the day and run errands in the early morning. I don't envy those that work outside that's for sure. Florida is a blast furnace in the day during august and Dallas is even worse. I don't miss it and appreciate NC's somewhat shorter although just as hot summers.
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    You know, when you're the target of their every complaint it's no wonder you feel like you do. been there done that so I certainly understand, Nancy.

    Now if this was Rob at that age, he'd drag his heels until the night before the deadline then have a MAJOR MELTDOWN because THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO AND YOU DIDN'T HELP ME ONE BIT, MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    (OMG, major PTSD going on now)

    You have my sincere sympathies.

  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too have been there done that and I so can't stand the memories. Sadly, I've got a little of that going on currently...although there is a tidbit of improvement. UGH! :sick:

    What does husband say about her calling you a "blankety blank?" Any consequences possible? Are you paying for her cell, for example. Can you turn off for 24 hours? Seems the girl doesn't know how to communicate.

    It's been hot here...but hotter in mid Fla where my son is. Yep, blast furnace would describe it PERFECTLY! He's so careful with- money, he keeps his blinds shuts all the time so that it is always dark and the a/c on a super hot temp.

    Meanwhile...difficult child spends all her money and gives money away she doesn't have, goes hungry, panics and tries to blame moi. :faint::(:sick: On the positive side (I take what I can get), difficult child does not use profanity towards me.

    I also recall the babysitting the house days...didn't have too many of them...but did have them. They are THE WORST! :anxious::(

    Guess what? My difficult child (and I suppose many others here) doesn't seem to know what to do with a toothbrush either.

    Nancy, glad you have an alternative plan for difficult child in place.

    Are you and husband going to do something special when she leaves town? I think you mentioned football games. Anything else???? I hope so! Have fun woman! :D
    Lasted edited by : Aug 11, 2009
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You know, I lurk here on this part of the board... fearfully! 'Cuz I have a feeling that I'm going to be facing some of the garbage you all are grappling with today. I hope to heck NOT, but jeez, I'm already dealing with some similar stuff, Nancy.

    difficult child 1 had a checkup today at the dentist. So did the other two kids, who both had great reports from the dentist. But Mister-I'm-A-Teenage-Pain-In-My-Mom's-Big-Beehind has SIX, count them 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 CAVITIES!!!! The dentist didn't tell him, so I had the pleasure of a major I-Told-You-So soapbox rant all the way home. The dentist was really upset, but all I could do was shrug my shoulders and tell him that some people need natural consequences to learn what's important in life. There's only so much I can do... he's almost 15. I made sure to point out to difficult child 1 the expense of these fillings and that it will mean that much less $$ I will have for anything HE wants to do.

    He broke his glasses this summer, too. And guess who has to pay for them? HIM. They cost about $100 (and that's with the optometrist taking pity on him since she knew he'd have to pay for them with his own money, so she gave him a discount and worked out a way to get the new lenses for free so he just had to pay for the frames), and he still owes them $40. Yet another lesson-learned-the-hard-way for this kid.

    I'm afraid this is a predictor for his future. But what else can we do with kids like this? We cringe to see them fail. But when they are intent on plowing forward with blinders on, or as in your case, biting the hand that feeds, there's folly in continuing the same old pattern of useless support. That's insanity, right? Repeating the same behavior with an expectation for a different result?

    I'm with Nomad -- you and husband need to plan a big whoop-dee-doo weekend together... or maybe a whole WEEK-long celebration when she's finally out of the house and your hair. You've earned it in spades.

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I gave my easy child an electronic toothbrush. He brushes his teeth like some kind of dentist each night. He brushes for x minutes each area. :surprise: It is AMAZING. Going to the dentist with- difficult child is an "experience." This last go around...we let her do it all on her own. AND she had several cavities. She filled a few and never went back to finish the work. Not sure if I am going to pressure her to finish. I suppose I will mention it to her in due time, but I am tired of the melodrama and so is husband. So, I really doubt I will do more than mention it to her, nor will I take her, etc. She has an opportunity to go and if she refuses to take be it. All so sad.

    easy child is very observent...learns quickly. difficult child ....OMG! She learns so slowly, it is very concerning. I am pleased as punch that she no longer rages. Honest to heavens, I never ever ever ever thought I could say that! So, I see miracles are possible. However, she makes many many of the same mistakes repeatedly and suffers extreme consequences before it dawns on her that perhaps she could try to do something different and then starts the "try" process and another excessively long situation of repeated is frustrating and sad to be sure.

    It's been sooo much better with- her out of the house. We have weird spurts of difficult child incidents that may or may not need our attention (or we simply refuse to intervene) and we help her get to her therapist once a week. We also do family counseling once a month. So, our interaction is somewhat limited.

    Nancy...sometimes it tugs at my heart that difficult child has no interest in listening to my experiences, etc. I understand this is rather common. Our son really didn't either, but is a little more interested in recent times. My daughter in law likes to hear things and this has been a blessing for me. I had lunch with a new friend the other day with a difficult child son, and a very easy child daughter and she said her daughter and her get along well, but they don't have a lot in common. They are just very different people.

    Anyway, having difficult child living out of the home has brought peace in my home. The constant drama is just no way to live. It's been freeeing...more happiness and joy to go around.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 12, 2009
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    gcvmom, my difficult child had 18 cavaties last year!!! Yes I fear you may have some of the same issues we are dealing with int he future. I hope not though.

    Nomad, thanks for your thoughtful input. There really isn't anything we can do at this point about her language to me. We are more concentrated on getting her on her own. She is who she is and nothing we have done so far has changed anything so we don't have any hopes on that score. The goal now is to manage our lives the best we can until she is completely responsible for herself. Perhaps sometimes in the way future she will come around and understand but I suspect that won't happen until she hits her bottom.

  13. Vannin

    Vannin New Member

    You mean other people have grown children who do not brush their teeth as well? The money I have spent on that boy's cavities. I also try to explain to him how it looks to other people. I can see the guck on his teeth. But then he never gets the argument about how it looks to others, and he doesn't even want to brush his hair half the time. Various techniques worked only when I was directly supervising, but now he's 18 and not in the house half the time I can't do that.

    Thanks for mentioning the cavities Nancy. It is often these practical issues that other people don't understand, as they only have PCs.