Nancy -

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Mar 4, 2011.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Just sending out hugs - and a lantern! (Or a lighthouse - take your pick) Hope whatever it is that you are going through with difficult child comes to pass quickly. (Saw your post to TL) Just sounded like you could use a few extra hugs and a smile! :consoling:

    Hugs and Love
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw Star I can always count on you to pick me up. Yep it's not good. She is on the dark side and can't be reached. She went to the bank yesterday to have my name taken off her student account, deleted her family from her fb, changed all her passwords on everything and called to tell me to go to the bank to sign something to have me taken off her account. I told her no, she should just close that account and open her own and she said she can't do that because she doesn't have the $50 fee. Oh well. I don't want her associated with our accounts because she will overdraw it. I turned off her phone and told her she needed to get her own account. She then sent me some very vile and threatening texts that I ruined 19 years of her life and she hates me and if she could get away with it she would kill me and I should jump off the 480 bridge and let her know when I was doing it so she could watch and laugh and she never wanted to see or hear from me again. It was all so hurtful and extreme. husband texted her and told her never to threaten me again or we would go to the police. He called her today and told her he read those texts and he was extremely upset about them and he wanted her to read them every day and then look at herself in the mirror and see if that is who she wants to be. He agreed to turn her phone on provided she takes her line off our account by the end of the month.

    She is living in a house where the parents are giving her some very bad adivce. We hold her car which at this point will never be given to her. She is smoking pot and drinking every day and I'm sure doing other drugs.

    I'm slowly cleaning out things of hers and trying to replace some memories. But the pit in my stomach is enormous.

    Last edited: Mar 4, 2011
  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am so sorry, Nancy. The heartbreak you are having to endure is enormous. I hope she does exactly what your husband told her to do and I pray she sees the pain she has caused you.
  4. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I hope she comes to her senses Nancy. I am so sorry you have to go thru this ... HUGS
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm sorry Nancy!! I know no matter what we go through with our difficult child's, that cleaning out their room and their belongings can be very emotional. I remember doing it a while after my difficult child moved out when he was 18. We eventually painted his old room and turned it into a nice office and it actually helped me to replace the memories of his room, that was a pigpen when he moved out, hidden parafenalia all over the place, with good memories. He had the same room since the day he was born, so I was able to have memories of when he was a baby and all the good memories before his room became the room that held not so happy memories. I turned it back into the bright sunny room it had once been.

    I'm sorry about the things she is saying to you. I have to believe she will truly regret it someday. These kids seem to have to blame someone until they are actually ready to start taking the blame for their own choices, and unfortunatley, it's usually a parent.

    Hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend. You deserve it!!
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just reading about "the room" has brought tears to my eyes. Geez, I remember it too well. I genuinely feel for you and am, as always, on your team. Hugs. DDD
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm finishing cleaning out the rooms that my difficult child left in a terrible mess when she finally got her stuff out recently after having been gone for a couple of months. It sucks. Mine also said vile things to me to and it hurts so much remembering them as sweet little kids we had so much fun with. But I am making the new spaces rooms for myself, so I'm trying to make it as positive as I can. Hang in there!
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    If your name is on her student account, and she screws it up, won't they come after you for it when they can't get it from her?
    *HUGS* dearie.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, your post took my breath away. As horrific as Rob was in his worst days, he never wished me dead publically. I can only imagine your despair. I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Looking at it from a different perspective here- what was it you husband agreed to do if your daughter agreed to do? Hon, this isn't a situation where negotiations are appropriate. It's those negotiations and giving an inch that are diggin you and your family in deeper. You and husband are not looking at it that way because what you see is a problem at number 500- your daughter (right now) doesn't care if she has the raise the stakes to 5,000 if it gets her to give something on a five. I feel for you, but I honesty think this is still mainpulation and enabling- not intentional of course, but you are letting your fears and pain drive you and she's rolling over that.

    I'm sure that hurts you and I truly am sorry. If it's any consolation, I am going thru a similar guilt trip with my son who I beleive has a good future thrown down the drain. It is hard, but sticking our heads in the sand and grasping at straws to justify giving them leeway while we see them blatantly getting worse is not the right answer, in my humble opinion. Think long and hard about what your dreams were that are so hard to give up on as compared to what she wants, as shown by her actions, for her own life.en't one in the same. Your actions need to be dealing with her actions, not your dreams.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    klmno, I would have agreed with you last year. At this point we realize she can never come back home. We realize she is mentally ill and yesterday she was in a mania. husband needed to de-escalate the situation and I agreed. As mad and hurt as I was and wanting to dig my heals in, I realized he was wise to wait until today and talk to her when he was rational. If he had talked to her last night I am afraid someone would have been dead. He was livid and saying some things that would never be able to be taken back. He was, of course, venting. But he is better able to put his emotions in check and wait until he is rational before going. forward. At this point we needed to calm her down and hopefully save our lives and keep our distance from her.

    We are actually extracating ourselves from her, including financially. Once we figure out what to do with the car we can remove her from our auto insurance, health insurance, etc. We are in the process of cutting her off from all our support, which includes phone,and that's why she went crazy. But we have to do it in a way that will keep us safe.

    If we were still trying to fix her it would be different. Right now i don't want to be one of those tragic stories on 20/20.

  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Please forgive me then. That's where I'm at with my 16yo son who I don;t want to kill me and have a life incarcerated trying to deal with it- or the bigger possibility that he'd just lose touch with reality so much that he could never face it. But with him, whether it fits you and your daughter, or not, I can see that giving him a fraction only digs this in deeper. I'm not abandoning him but I'm not willing to negotiate the terms this time or "bribe" him or otherwise give something in return for relief of something I souldn't have to ask relief for to begin with.
  13. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    So sorry, Nancy.

    A lot of kids say, "I hate you!", but that was way over the top with what she said. Maybe it was the drugs/alcohol speaking, but it is still very hurtful. You can detach as much as you want, but I still believe that would hurt terribly.

    I agree with husband about waiting until you (he) are more level-headed before speaking to difficult child.

    I am crying with you tonight. ((HUGS))
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Nancy, I'm so sorry. I wish I had some kind of wise counsel, but all I have are hugs and prayers for you and yours.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy, i so feel for you. I saw your post earlier today to me. I wanted to respond but I was at work and couldn't. I feel like you and I have been on such similar paths with our difficult child's. I really think with your daughter it is the drugs and alcohol talking.... until she deals with her addiction nothing else will matter. I can totally imagine that scenario with my son. I don't think he has ever threatened to kill us but he has definitely wished me dead etc. It is an awful feeling I know. I just think a kid on drugs can be mean mean mean. You are doing the right things by separating yourself and cutting her off financially..... and I would not help her at all until she is really willing to get more tx for her addiction. As far as the other family goes it is awful they allow her to drink and drug at their home..... and I am sure she is feeding them a line about how her parents don't understand her blah blah blah. The family my son stayed with also allowed drinkng and drugging in their home... and yet when they got to know me they stopped believing his stories and at least kept me posted and they tried to help him. Of course they couldn't really because as long as he was drugging he couldn't really be helped. My hope is that something knocks the wind out of your daughters sails and makes her wake up.... that may be getting arrested and spending a few nights in jaili. Awful as that is it might be a wake up call for her. Hugs and thoughts coming your way.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Aww Nancy I'm so very sorry.

    Nichole can say some pretty vicious and vile things when she's taken a nosedive. Having been on the receiving end more than once.........I know how it feels.

    You're yanking her security blanket away and she's furious and scared to death. (of course she's never going to admit the scared part, maybe not even to herself)

    But you have got to do what you've got to do.

    ((((hugs)))) I hope this becomes her wake up call and it doesn't take too long.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Nancy, big hugs... I hope that one day it will be better.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Although this is the least important issue that you are facing, difficult child can get a free phone from the government once she goes on food stamps. I don't know exactly how it's done but difficult child gets a free "Obama phone" with x amount of minutes per month. It doesn't have all the fancy stuff but it is available for important calls and for emergencies.

    Yeah, I know, who woud have thought we would end up knowing about things like this! Hugs. DDD
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Hi Nancy,
    Are you going to keep her on your insurance? Can you give her very minimum phone coverage (no text, no long distance, etc.) that she could use for emergencies? Whatever you decide to do, eliminating or greatly (big time) reducing your part in her life financially and emotionally sounds like a good idea. As you say...extricate.

    We made the decision long ago that our difficult child would not be coming back into our home.

    I do hope that you and your husband can get some much needed peace + joy into your lives!!!
    Lasted edited by : Mar 5, 2011