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Family of Origin
Narcissist Mother: Things I Have Learned
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 680780" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Along these lines I have felt distraught since Saturday based upon interactions with my son.</p><p></p><p>I fell to this place when he firs arrived to my town, after a couple of days around him in the house. Again between Wednesday and Saturday I had intermittent contact with him and prolonged contact over a 24 hour period.</p><p></p><p>The result was the same: I cannot bear how he treats me. How he is. *Already the neighbors in the new house are talking about his disrespectful treatment of me. I become ashamed.</p><p></p><p>I take on the crime.</p><p></p><p>M told me this morning. This is what I don't like about you *he beats around the bush does he not? You want to die when something happens when the story is not over.</p><p></p><p>So I said: I try and I try and nothing works. Nothing I do to help my son works.</p><p></p><p>And then I realized: This must have been what it was like for me as a child.</p><p></p><p>I cannot bear that I may have had this feeling state: "I wish I was dead." And I do not remember it. But there had to have been a prototype for this utter despair because nothing I do and am will change the dynamics in my family and home. There is no escape for me. Except the wish to escape by killing myself off. The death penalty.</p><p></p><p>So we see where my extreme motivation to achieve came from. I learned early that it was my job to do anything, any feat, to effect my family. My responsibility. The bad side is that with my family it did not work all the time but it did work sometimes. My self esteem must have depended upon that contingency: did I work?</p><p></p><p>The good side: once I left them, it did work. I left my family with the sense that I had the capacity and motivation to potentially have an effect.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 680780, member: 18958"] Along these lines I have felt distraught since Saturday based upon interactions with my son. I fell to this place when he firs arrived to my town, after a couple of days around him in the house. Again between Wednesday and Saturday I had intermittent contact with him and prolonged contact over a 24 hour period. The result was the same: I cannot bear how he treats me. How he is. *Already the neighbors in the new house are talking about his disrespectful treatment of me. I become ashamed. I take on the crime. M told me this morning. This is what I don't like about you *he beats around the bush does he not? You want to die when something happens when the story is not over. So I said: I try and I try and nothing works. Nothing I do to help my son works. And then I realized: This must have been what it was like for me as a child. I cannot bear that I may have had this feeling state: "I wish I was dead." And I do not remember it. But there had to have been a prototype for this utter despair because nothing I do and am will change the dynamics in my family and home. There is no escape for me. Except the wish to escape by killing myself off. The death penalty. So we see where my extreme motivation to achieve came from. I learned early that it was my job to do anything, any feat, to effect my family. My responsibility. The bad side is that with my family it did not work all the time but it did work sometimes. My self esteem must have depended upon that contingency: did I work? The good side: once I left them, it did work. I left my family with the sense that I had the capacity and motivation to potentially have an effect. COPA [/QUOTE]
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