It does go to show, however, that sometimes our kids are incapable of complying. Sometimes we really are asking more than they can give.
When difficult child 1 was first diagnosed, the doctor explained it to me as follows:
"I could promise difficult child 1 $100 if he can sit still on that chair for five minutes. He would be motivated indeed, he would want that $100. But he would be unable to comply. In the same way, asking a child to do what he is incapable of doing, is setting him up for failure."
In this case, hamlet, you used a technique which is a very good one for most kids. But the greatest motivation in the world will not make something happen if it is utterly impossible for tat individual at that time. Example - if I have a broken leg, I will be unable to walk to the shop to buy milk. If someone promised me a million dollars to get that pint of milk, I could not do it. If the person who wants the milk does not know I have a broken leg, what will they think of me when I refuse to get the milk?
We don't live inside our kids' heads. We don't know what they are dealing with. But in your son's case, I strongly suspect he is being punished for stuff he simply cannot help. Especially when the interactions involve other people, the circumstances can be completely out of control. You interact with your son, you have some control over events because you know him well enough to know which of your behaviours can make him worse. But the school staff have no such vested interest in helping him stay calm. They are more likely to trigger him and not really think too much about it. And his getting a bad report is multifactorial - his behaviour is involved, yes, but so is the behaviour of the other people in the situation.
difficult child 3 used to get into trouble for hitting kids at school. But we observed - he would never walk up to a kid and start a fight. He generally was reacting to verbal or physical attack. As he got older, he would put up with more before he hit. We were very hard on him for hitting other kids, even when provoked. We were so hard on him, in fact, that I lost perspective and often criticised him for what was actually very normal behaviour. The crunch came one day when we were at the beach. A group of boys were following difficult child 3 around and bullying him, They were shouting insults at him. I did the usual thing, told difficult child 3 to stay away from him. But I observed these kids seeking difficult child 3 out just so they could hassle him. I finally decided we should take him home before he blew a gasket. I called him, he began to walk towards me, but halfway to me, he passed these boys and suddenly something snapped. I think they must have said something, from the way they were looking at him and grinning. He turned and attacked, knocked one kid down into the shallow water and began pummelling him hard, fists going like pistons. I was too far away to get to him fast enough; husband was quicker. Good, I thought, he will scold our boy for attacking. But no - husband, who is even harder on difficult child 3 than me, turned and yelled at the boys. "You deserved that! I've been watching you, you have been hassling him and he has been trying to avoid you. Now get yourselves home and be grateful I'm not coming back with you to tell your parents about your behaviour!"
It made me realise - I was so totally blinkered by my fear of difficult child 3 being seen as 'different', that I had been prepared to see my son as the bad kid, and the others as the victims.
Interesting result - we went back to the beach over the next few days, there was generally one or more of these same boys there. They left difficult child 3 completely alone. So sometimes a kid does have to hit back. It's just that it is too socially complex for our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids to understand when there is no other option, so we err on the side of caution and pacifism, and train our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids to stay calm. A tall order for any kid, especially one with impulse control issues. And especially in a school setting where there are fewer supports in the worst social situations we can ever put a difficult child.
So for future reference - I would recommend you don't make deals that he has buckley's chance of keeping. Set smaller goals with smaller and more immediate rewards. Material goods are not a good idea as a reward. A better reward is the gift of your time - for every day he does not get a level one, you play a card game with him for half an hour. Or go for a walk together to get ice cream. Just you and him. Then if he has a bad day, he only misses out on his reward for that day.
It's a lot cheaper than an MP3 player! And you know what? It will mean more to him, in the long run, that you spent time with him, precious time with just you, focussed on him. For our kids, that is gold, pure gold.
Marg