Natural Consequences

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 2, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ya know, those natural consequences sure are catching up with Nichole these days. lol

    You know the whole drama involving the new "friend" J? Well, said problem is now resolved.

    Turned out dear ol' Mom was right yet again, darn it all.

    J had been coming over when Nichole came home from boyfriend's house in the evenings. They were pretty much just hanging out. Although I wasn't so comfortable about it. But J does seem nice enough, and was polite so I didn't say anything.

    Til the other night when they were watching tv in the livingroom. Where my computer is located in the corner of the kitchen I have clear view into the livingroom. I noticed they were sitting awfully close for "friends". I happened to mention it when he left. Nichole said it was nothing. So I said well, don't seem to recall you sitting that close to any of your GIRL friends. lol

    I pretty much stayed out of it unless she brought it up. But I'd mention things like "playing with fire", how it was obvious that J REALLY likes her in much more than a "just friends" sort of way, that she wasn't respecting boyfriend or J. That sort of thing.

    Just mostly trying to get her to see the adult view of the situation. I'm really beginning to wonder if home schooling those last 2 yrs of hs hasn't stunted her social/relationship growth somewhat.

    Well, shocker of all shockers, b/f FINALLY told her that it really bothered him that she was hanging out with J so much when J wants more than just friendship. I guess it triggered him to tell her how he feels about her. Gee, they've been together how long? (his own issues with afraid of being volnerable/controled by someone)

    Seems at the same time....Nichole was on the phone with b/f while PMing J on the computer..... J was telling her he wanted more than just to be friends.....

    And Nichole told J that she didn't mean to hurt him, but that wasn't what she had in mind at all. The boy cried. (yep, I figured he had it bad)

    Now Nichole feels horrible that she led him on without actually meaning to and hurting him. (I think she was just enjoying the attention J was giving her.)

    Lesson learned. (I hope)

    So now it seems Nichole and b/f are planning to move into a place of their own come spring. I'll believe it when I see it.

    However, this has spawned some new discussions between Nichole and me. I'm gently pushing the learning to drive thing. Also told her that it would be a good idea for her to get a part time job soon, even if it was just on the weekends. A good way to get some spending money, taste a bit of independence, and get some work experience. And hopefully get that first job anxiety out of the way before she starts looking for work in a career.

    I'm nudging harder for more adult behavior. And maybe hinting somewhat that she won't be living here forever. I think she's become to comfortable with the statis quo.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I admire your acceptance of your children, I really do but there is just something I don't get. Mature 18yr olds rarely make decisions that are wise let alone life long. She is ill prepared for adult life at this point. She has never held a job or worked out relationship behavior for a woman who will live with another adult who isn't her mother.
    On the other side, a male at 18 is still in the midst of becoming an adult. He won't have any adult relationship skills either. They still play jealousy games and erupt with moodiness.
    Doesn't this look like a set up for dysfunction and misery? Wouldn't focusing on an education and job and birth control while learning to live independently on her own before living with someone else be a better way to go? Can she live on her own? Would she?
    Now I know well that difficult child's don't take suggestions very well but it does seem she wants to have someone to depend on and maybe that is her reality. She may never be able to live without some other adult in her life. I just see this as 10 yrs of fighting, no money, resentment and dysfunction. Why leap in with both feet.

    I wouldn't ask these questions of most members but you know I have a great deal of respect for you. I'm asking questions I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes. I don't mean to offend but maybe it will just give a different spin even if Nicole does exactly as she has planned. I don't understand how she can move in with anyone if she has no income? no track record of good decision making(J being a case in point)
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I always value your opinions.

    I so agree Nichole is ill prepared for adult life at this point. She can't drive, has never held a job, and has no skills.

    But things are getting out of hand around here. She's sliding backward into the teen kid role, instead of moving forward into the adult/parent role. I've even been having to nag her to watch/care for the baby.

    The last thing I want is for her to move in with b/f at this point. Their "relationship" is too volitile, abusive, and dependent/enabler/codependent. Not healthy for either boyfriend or Nichole.

    I do put a strong emphasis on education. But I'm worried about this new backslide into trying to be a kid. Example: She sees no reason to get her license because she expects the family and boyfriend to drive her where she needs to go.

    Nichole is starting to feel majorly entitled of late. And she's not above using the baby as leverage to get what she wants, whether with boyfriend or with the family in general. (works more on boyfriend)

    So I'm thinking it's about time to start some life lessons on indepedence. Not anything super huge. Just some baby steps toward self suffiency. Like motivating her for that license, the weekend job thing. Heck, I'm even having to battle her on learning to cook.

    Nichole is terrified of living alone. Heck, she still has issues with being in our home alone. So I don't know at this point if I'll ever get her past this life long anxiety. But I've got to try.

    The problem is that she is so very much like me. Almost an exact duplicate. Except she didn't have my childhood to mature her by this stage in life. I understand her fears ect because they were once my own. And I know that if she isn't pushed (even kicking and screaming) she'll never gain any form of independence for herself.

    I believe I made a grave mistake back when she was 16 and pregnant with Aubrey. I tried to support her by focusing solely on school/becoming a good mother. I thought holding off on the driving and job was a good idea at the time. I really think that was so wrong. Because of the pregnancy, I should have really pushed the driving and the job part too. Because like I was, each year that passes without her doing it is only making the anxiety over it worse and the fear greater. Plus her being homeschooled during that time also kept her isolated, her only social life being boyfriend.

    Lovely when hindsight is 20/20. :rolleyes:
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, maybe a hud apt with a roommate so she can work out how to live independently.
    Living with a guy is such a time bomb. I understand your concerns.
    My difficult child doesn't get that my responsibility to him changes as he grows and takes over those tasks. If I fed him all of his life then why would he learn? It's not a selfish thing just part of being emotionally immature. Nothing changes from the time he was 9yrs old.
    All difficult child has going for him is that he wants to have a job to be proud of, a significant other to come home to and a desire to have what others take for granted. This is his motivation and my carrot to dangle. I told him to tell me when he thinks he has reached his maximium ability and I would back off. I know this isn't easy for him and he is trying, stumbling and trying again.

    I hope you can help her find some sort of plan for her future and take small steps forward. She seems to be a drift in her own life and then creates drama to cover how lost she feels.

    I think my difficult child covers his sense of fear and confusion about his life with being argumentive and difficult. Good luck.