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Navigating the roller coaster with difficult child son and impending grandbaby
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 649294" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I don't know whether to say congrats or feel bad about this. It is so wrong when unstable young adults don't utilize birth control. Will your son change because of the baby?</p><p></p><p>Not likely. Your son and obviously this young woman are what they are and a baby doesn't change people unless they are ready to grow up and it doesn't sound like either of them are if they came to you crying (these are potential parents). Beware also that if you ever refuse to do something your son wants, he may withhold the grandchild from you. I have one son and he hasn't seen us for eight years. He has two children. I thank my lucky stars I never met those kids because I don't know them and although he is withholding them from me...it really doesn't matter. I don't know them. I am not involved. I would rather be unattached than heartbroken.</p><p></p><p>You can certainly make certain plans to maybe get custody of the baby if both of them lose their parental rights.</p><p></p><p>I would take a sit-back-and-wait laid back attitude. Mother could be drinking and doing drugs which can damage the developing baby, causing problems even before he/she is born. Most likely neither will quit the drugs, be able to get gainful employment or treat you any better than they did before she got pregnant. Usually our rather differently wired darlings only come to us when they need something. Did he even once ask you how YOU are doing? THey tend not to care about us. We are their ATM that they can and often do disregard if we don't stay their ATM. Then they punish us for not supporting them financially, even though they are too old to expect that. But they do.</p><p></p><p>I am reminding you of this because, unfortunately, we should all be joyful when a baby is on the way, but this situation is not the norm. This isn't two well-adjusted, sober, hardworking young people bringing a child into the world who will have unconditional love, stability and parents who are capable of taking care of their needs. They can't even take care of their own needs. Is either going to go back to school to get some career? Do they have any job skills?Any motivation?</p><p></p><p>This is a very touchy situation. It is not that easy to get custody of your grandchild unless both parents sign custody over to you. They would have to be very neglectful, criminal or abusive for a very long period of time otherwise before parental rights would be removed...or they'd both have to be in jail.</p><p></p><p>Be mindful. Take it one day at a time. Try not to get too involved. Stay detached and see what happens. I wouldn't go to doctor's appointments anymore. You don't even know if they will stay together. She could bolt with kid and take off to parts unknown. If your son has traits of antisocial personality disorder, this relationship is unlikely to last and mom will probably leave him and take the baby. She will likely run to HER mother, who may or may not shelter her. That's what happens with difficult adult children...you can't count on them.</p><p></p><p>If you have other children who are grown, I'd count my blessings and enjoy them as well as continuing to be good to yourself, your other loved ones, your friends, and anything e lse you enjoy. In my opinion, it is best not to put too much focus here on a situation you can't control.</p><p></p><p>I don't think you said ANYTHING wrong. I think you were actually a bit lenient. This is a man and woman about to have a baby and they came running to you for help, like kids themselves. They need to grow up or perhaps consider adoption for the baby or signing custody directly over to you. The latter would be best. But you can't control either of them.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and wishing you the best and hoping it all works out! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 649294, member: 1550"] Hi. I don't know whether to say congrats or feel bad about this. It is so wrong when unstable young adults don't utilize birth control. Will your son change because of the baby? Not likely. Your son and obviously this young woman are what they are and a baby doesn't change people unless they are ready to grow up and it doesn't sound like either of them are if they came to you crying (these are potential parents). Beware also that if you ever refuse to do something your son wants, he may withhold the grandchild from you. I have one son and he hasn't seen us for eight years. He has two children. I thank my lucky stars I never met those kids because I don't know them and although he is withholding them from me...it really doesn't matter. I don't know them. I am not involved. I would rather be unattached than heartbroken. You can certainly make certain plans to maybe get custody of the baby if both of them lose their parental rights. I would take a sit-back-and-wait laid back attitude. Mother could be drinking and doing drugs which can damage the developing baby, causing problems even before he/she is born. Most likely neither will quit the drugs, be able to get gainful employment or treat you any better than they did before she got pregnant. Usually our rather differently wired darlings only come to us when they need something. Did he even once ask you how YOU are doing? THey tend not to care about us. We are their ATM that they can and often do disregard if we don't stay their ATM. Then they punish us for not supporting them financially, even though they are too old to expect that. But they do. I am reminding you of this because, unfortunately, we should all be joyful when a baby is on the way, but this situation is not the norm. This isn't two well-adjusted, sober, hardworking young people bringing a child into the world who will have unconditional love, stability and parents who are capable of taking care of their needs. They can't even take care of their own needs. Is either going to go back to school to get some career? Do they have any job skills?Any motivation? This is a very touchy situation. It is not that easy to get custody of your grandchild unless both parents sign custody over to you. They would have to be very neglectful, criminal or abusive for a very long period of time otherwise before parental rights would be removed...or they'd both have to be in jail. Be mindful. Take it one day at a time. Try not to get too involved. Stay detached and see what happens. I wouldn't go to doctor's appointments anymore. You don't even know if they will stay together. She could bolt with kid and take off to parts unknown. If your son has traits of antisocial personality disorder, this relationship is unlikely to last and mom will probably leave him and take the baby. She will likely run to HER mother, who may or may not shelter her. That's what happens with difficult adult children...you can't count on them. If you have other children who are grown, I'd count my blessings and enjoy them as well as continuing to be good to yourself, your other loved ones, your friends, and anything e lse you enjoy. In my opinion, it is best not to put too much focus here on a situation you can't control. I don't think you said ANYTHING wrong. I think you were actually a bit lenient. This is a man and woman about to have a baby and they came running to you for help, like kids themselves. They need to grow up or perhaps consider adoption for the baby or signing custody directly over to you. The latter would be best. But you can't control either of them. Hugs and wishing you the best and hoping it all works out! :) [/QUOTE]
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Navigating the roller coaster with difficult child son and impending grandbaby
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