NC: What ARE my options??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ps47714, May 23, 2011.

  1. ps47714

    ps47714 New Member

    Daughter, age 16

    So, I could probably write a book as I'm at my wits end. I just don't know what to do. I know, from reading this board, that advice may be right at a keyboard's length.

    Daughter decided she didn't want to go back to school. Been out of school for three weeks. I take her there, she waits around, leaves, skips. My rights in NC? None. Law said, "You can't make her go to school. There's nothing we can do". Really? Thanks NC for taking the law out of my hands, but also for adding in, "You can't make her go to school, but you are responsible for her until she's 18".

    So basically, I'm responsible for a teenager who dropped out of school, who disrespects house rules, tears things up, threatens me, repeatedly tells me she hates me, twists my hands in awkward positions because I took her iPod away. Thanks NC, I wish I never moved here. Thanks for saying they are legal adults, but that I'm still responsible for her until she's 18. Thank you NC for nothing.

    What are my options? Law won't help me. I'm miserable in my own home, walking on eggshells, fights at 4am when I come in from work because she thinks it's perfectly okay to scream at me at the top of her lungs, throw stuff around in my house, slam doors, and wake the neighbors up, but NC says, "You are responsible for this child until she's 18, but there's nothing we can do".

    What are my options? I'm just lost. I can't believe she's done this. She won't go to therapy. Last time, she just sat there, wasting my money since I don't qualify for state aid and don't make enough to afford insurance. I'm just, ugh! Please help. Someone? I can't keep living like this...
  2. ps47714

    ps47714 New Member

    I guess I should have included some diagnosis with my child. She's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, however she won't even take any medications for them. I don't know, just at a loss.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. So been there with a terrible teen. She took drugs. Is there any chance this is part of daughter's problem? If so, be careful of ADHD medication. My daughter used to crush stimulants in a pillcrusher and snort it (sometimes with other drugs). It's common practice and I am not a big stimulant fan if the child is a difficult child who may abuse drugs. Adderrall is the most coveted, but they will use all of those medications and even steal scripts from their brothers and sisters. My daughter is clean now and has told me all about her drug the way, that was her problem...we had a bunch of diagnosis., but it turned out the extreme defiance and mood swings were the drugs. She is fine now. Was your daughter always this way?

    If shes commits a crime, you can turn her in and get the police involved. My daughter had t his and her record has been cleaned off now and is doing well. I mention the police because they can do something, even if you can't. Perhaps you can get her into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) setting so that she can't run the streets. As for school, she can always get her GED later...I'd focus on what may be going on, what you can do about it (and, yes, I know it's not much) and making it until her 18th birthday in which you can make her leave if she won't shape up or get treatment or, if this is a factor, get into a drug rehab program.

    Can you give us a bit more history of her early years to now and her family situation? Any trauma? Sexual abuse? Divorce in the famly? Psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of the family tree? Does she have friends?

    Welcome to the board, but so sorry you have to be here.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What are the truancy laws in NC? Isn't she violating them by not attending school, or do they cut off at a certain age? I know here, my daughter was truant if she was absent, and ended up in court and eventually did a weekend in juvenile detention when she refused to go to school (she was 16 as well). She couldn't drop out of school without my permission, not until she was 18 (and then, she did drop out.. sigh).

    Have you contacted the juvenile courts to ask for their assistance, or, are they the ones who told you there was nothing they could do?

    We've got some other NC parents around here that will hopefully drop by and give you some suggestions, as well. Hang in there.
  5. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Have you thought about a wilderness program?
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    In NC they can drop out at 16 without parental permission. However if she is being abusive to you, you can file charges against her at the magistrates office every single time. Its a pain in the rear but you can do it. She will be charged as an adult and for the most part for the first several times she will get slapped on the wrist with probation and fines and told to behave but if she doesnt get her act together they may stick her butt in the teen section of the adult jail. Now if they do arrest her for her charges, you are under no obligation to bail her out at any time. You can leave her there until the judge lets her out. Of course, she will get out long before she is 18 and she will come home but then you just keep doing this over and over again unless she shapes up.

    The only other thing I can think of is to contact either NC baptist childrens homes about the program they have for teen girls and see if she would qualify for that or social services. Either of them may help.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is she willing to home school online? Why the school refusal? Did something specific happen there?

    If it were me it is either school or job. Pick one.
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Call the police for every and I mean, every violation!!!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Some places in NC have online schooling but not all which is unfortunate. I wish that had been an option when Cory had been in HS. Now there is adult ed at the community colleges but you have to get approval by the school district but that isnt normally an issue if they are already fed up with the kid. Some kids do better with the adult ed environment.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If she hurts you or ANYONE, call the police and insist on pressing charges. If she destroys anything at all, call the police and press charges for vandalism and/or destruction of private property. IF the cops try to tell you that you cannot, insist on speaking to the chief of police and ask WHY this girl is allowed to hurt you/destroy your home just because you are her parents? Insist that they do something and call them the next time she does something.

    You do NOT have to let her have all the things she wants. Go into her room and remove everything that you do not want her to have. She is a minor and legally CANNOT own something because that is a contract and minors cannot sign contracts legally. So take out everything but her mattress, a blanket and sheet and pillow, 7 outfits of YOUR choosing - choose ones that she would NOT choose herself, and leave school books. There has to be a lamp or ceiling light and one pair of shoes. That is IT. EVERYTHING else is at YOUR discretion and you do NOT choose to let someone who hurts you have anything but the minimum. Food in the home is the basics - nourishing but not "good" or "fancy". Lock any treats up in your room. Make sure you have sturdy doors and locks on them to any bedroom but hers and any other room but the main ones. She wants to go to school? She can have an outfit after she has attended for X days to prove she will go. She wants music? She can earn the right by behaving appropriately for a week or month. She wants a cell phone? She can earn that by finishing school with passing or better grades. She watns soft toilet paper? get a job and buy your own.

    She brings drugs into your home? You call the police and press charges. It is a pain and will be like living in an armed camp for a while. But she will either leave on her own or she will shape up. If seh leaves you provide ehr with NOTHING, she fends for herself in the real world, living iwth her choices. Chances are that if you report her as a runaway they will NOT look for her or make her return. But you MUST report her every time she misses curfew, etc... so that you won't be responsible if she damages something. Usually if they are reported as runaways they are then responsible for their own things. You do NOT have a responsibility to provide luxuries for her, just the basics that the state provides to foster kids.

    Enough reports for ddestruction of property, running away, domestic violence and the police will have to take her before a judge. It will take several trips to court for the court to do anything, but eventually they will. You just have to hang in until they do. Chances are huge that drugs are an issue, so you can ask the court to send her to rehab if you think it will help. She has to be caught with drugs several times usually for them to do this.

    PLEASE go to the area domestic violence center and get help. What she is doing to you and the family is domestic violence and when enough of us go to these places for help they will ALL wise up and start providing more help for us and our kids. It is HARD to shake the patterns when you have gotten itno them the way you have, but it is important to get help NOW. I got a lot of help from our dv center after I made my son leave our home because he was beating me. The help was all free, including weekly therapy individually and in group sessions. I was the first parent who went to our center, but was NOT the last one. You truly ARE a victim of domestic violence.

    In fact, push the police to charge her with dv when she hurts someone at home. It usually carries different sentences and fines and this can include mandatory therapy and jail time depending on where you are.

    Narc anon or alanon would also be helpful as I am sure that drugs and alcohol play a role in her behavior. These create problems in the entire family and if teh entire family doesn't get help the problem will not go away.

    Sending lots of hugs. This isn't at all fun or easy.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I hate to say this but when difficult child robbed me in my sleep and I woke up to find it and him gone, I called cops and flat out told them on the phone "when you find difficult child, don't bring him back home". They said his PO would have to make the decision. I told them "he can make whatever decision he wants but if difficult child isn't locked up, you can call cps or whomever you want but he's not coming back here to sleep tonight". Fortunately, the policeman that showed up agreed with me and personally drove difficult child straight to POs office (although difficult child was found just as he came home) and told PO to "do something".
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Here you can file a petition for "Minor in need of supervision" with the juvie dept. If the judge grants it your difficult child has to adhere to a program much like if she were on probation.
  13. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    You are in EXACTLY the position my sister was in (she lives in NC too) 2 years ago. NC is a terrible state wrt providing legal recourse if you have a violent, unruly teen difficult child in the house. My sister flew me in and I stayed in her home, protecting her and her younger son and their property from her teen difficult child until he turned 18.

    Here's what you do: if you have a brother or cousin or strong man in your family who will help for a couple of hours, have him come over and yes, remove everything from difficult child's room but the bare necessities. Lock it all up and don't give any of it back to her until she starts to follow rules. (Don't expect her to, though--she'll just rage endlessly, but we'll get to that in a moment.) Before your brother/uncle/cousin leaves, tell difficult child that if there's any violence or menacing or anything like that, you'll call the police and press charges. And YES, you can press charges against a 16-year-old just as you can an adult. You won't want to, but let me be very clear: if you don't, this will never end and your life will be a living hell. Press charges and/or let the cops take her away for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation, which they can do if she's a danger to herself or others (and if she's behaving violently toward you, she qualifies). That'll get her out of your house for 3 days. When she comes back, tell her that you'll do it again, in minutes, if she goes violent again. And BACK IT UP. If you threaten a consequence, don't ever fail to enact it if she tests you.

    For every crime she commits, call the police and press charges. Eventually the cops will "get it" and work with you by docketing her court appearances as far in the future as possible, and if you don't bail her out, she'll have to remain in jail until the court appearance. This sounds cruel, but it's the ONLY way to get some freedom from a teen difficult child who's violently out of control, unless you can do what my sister did and "recruit" a male adult family member who has the time and the inclination to come in and play "bouncer" for you.

    But DO NOT just endure it meekly. If you must, call the police repeatedly and seek 72-hour evaluations repeatedly, and/or having her jailed until court appearances. She'll rage and hate you and all of that, but so what? She's marauding you and destroying her life: lock her up.

    I'm sorry, but in NC, this is all that you can do. Believe me, I know: I've been there, in exactly the circumstance that you describe, as "bouncer." Good luck....
  14. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    And as to what others have speculated: yes, of course it's drugs. Not that she's actually high every time she rages at you--but that she's fallen into a cycle of drug use and it has annihilated her morality entirely. Expect nothing will bring her to heel--i.e., return her to tractability--other than force greater than her own. I hate to be so blunt and seemingly dogmatic, but I've seen all of this, exactly as you describe it, and in NC as well. A kid in that state of ongoing amorality and violence won't simply self-correct, and no amount of reasoning or pleading will get through to her. You need the sort of help that cops provide, and plenty of it. And you need to send her the message that you will NOT simply endure her reign of terror, or submit meekly to it--and that means consequences EVERY time she violates not only your household rules but, obviously, the law as well.
  15. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Sorry to be so alarmist and dogmatic, but again, I've seen exactly your situation. Your daughter needs therapy, possibly medications to get her back on an even keel, etc, but the immediate problem sounds like just getting her to quit behaving violently and running a reign of terror in your house--I've certainly seen this very situation. Lacking a male family member to literally move in and be "bouncer," as I was (and yes, restoring order required brute force--that's just how it works at the outset), you'll have to call the cops and tell them that she's being violent. They'll ask you if you want her hauled off for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation, and you should say "yes" to this. That'll do 2 things at once: get her out of your house for a few days and send her the message that you mean business and won't tolerate what she's doing. She'll rage until the cops arrive and then---expect this--suddenly revert to tears and crying and appeals to you to "save" her from the very police whose arrival was caused by her violence and household thuggery. It'll be tough to do, but my counsel is to go ahead and let the cops take her away for the psychiatric evaluation. If drug use is the problem, they'll find out via the various tests that they run during the evaluation.

    When she comes home, she'll either be meek and docile, in order to avoid another psychiatric evaluation detention, or she'll fly into a rage all over again--and then you have to do another psychiatric evaluation. The cops have no choice but to comply if you state that she's being violent toward you or anyone. If the first 72-hour detention didn't get her attention, believe me, the second one will.

    Until she's under control and tractable again, you have to treat it like a home invasion: a violent criminal has invaded your home and refuses to leave. Seriously. Once she "gets it" that you won't tolerate her mischief and will send her away repeatedly for psychiatric evaluations until she starts behaving, she'll start behaving. And *then* you can begin to address this therapeutically, via assistance from a therapist, prescription medications, and the like.

    The most important thing is to send a very strong, emphatic, and unwavering message that "the reign of household terror is over." (This is literally what I said my sister's difficult child when I arrived in NC.) Promise stern consequences and then *never fail* back them up. I promise that this will eventually work. And once the violence has subsided, you can begin to work on its causes, etc. But first the violence and brutality MUST come to an end.
  16. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    A final suggestion: remove and hide the butcher block and other immediately available objects/weapons that she can seize while in a blind rage. A teen difficult child in a full rage, especially when being thwarted after they've come to expect to have their way, is capable of unthinkable things. It's best to remove anything that she can seize in a moment of rage and use to do something that can literally ruin or even end lives. When I did my "bouncer" gig at my sister's house, we did this and it paid off: I was attacked with various objects--whatever came to hand for the difficult child while enraged--but never with a knife or anything that could really hurt me--because we had removed them all. An ounce of prevention can be immeasurably valuable in this circumstance.
  17. Lori69

    Lori69 New Member

    NC is truly a joke. My daughter got CPS involved. I'm being investigated and am fully cooperating as I've done nothing wrong but my child lied to them as she wants to live with her father, my ex. It was a way for her to "punish" me for insisting she go to school. I've had the police remove her for harassing me as well. Police agreed with me but then told me I could be evicted from my apartment for calling on them more than once or twice.
    Sorry but Cary and Morrisville NC police are also no help. Now I'm hesitant to call them because I can't risk being evicted.
    Thanks NC! All entitled out of control teens who accept no responsibility for their actions should move here! You have given them all the rights and outs to do whatever they want and be coddled by the state. Classic.
  18. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Lori. I am appalled that the police told you that you could be evicted for calling them. How many officers told you that? If it was only one or two, I think I would make a few phone calls to verify the truth of that. Perhaps it has more to do with your landlord.

    At any rate, this is an old thread from 2011. I think you will get more responses to your post if you begin a new thread (discussion) by using the blue button at the top of the forum page. I'm so sorry that you're struggling with your daughter.
  19. The reason she could be evicted is because of nuisance laws. Many states have laws that require landlords to evict tenants that frequently violate the law. One of the criteria is frequent visits of the police to an apartment. The unintended effect of these laws is that many domestic abuse victims are afraid to call the police when their abuser is violent for fear that they will be evicted. I think you should talk to your landlord about your situation to see if he/she would guarantee that you would not be evicted if you called the police a few times
  20. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    My understanding of those nuisance laws is they are intended for areas with drug activity. They can't catch people dealing drugs [difficult], so they get them for numerous police calls for other things which typically go on around drug houses. Littering, fighting, animal violations, habitation code violation, etc.

    Sort of an "Al Capone" law where they got him on tax evasion because they couldn't catch him doing anything else. This is NOT intended to discourage regular police calls!

    Anyway with that said, talk to your local Police Chief or City Attorney. Ask what the deal is. Also a good idea to read the law. Usually they (police) are required to notify you in writing several times before they can evict you.