Ned some advice please!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Sep 11, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    difficult child has been in the sober house for 32 days. He finished his 30 day contract with them and is off restrictions. This is big because it means he didn't break the rules for 30 days, including getting up on time for morning mediation. From outside information, I know he has made a lot of progress. I say outside info because I tend not to believe what difficult child says, but only what he does.

    Here's my dilemma.....

    difficult child didn't pay his $450 court fines as he was supposed to. The first payment was due the day he decided to relapse. I found out today this means there is a warrant out. He has to go turn himself in and post $800 bond. Then he has to return on his court date. They will keep all $800 because he was late.

    He is just now starting back to work and has supposedly arranged rides with three friends from the sober house who works at the same place. I know HE should pay the fines. However, it will take him over a month to get the cash during which time I don't want to give him the car back. This may make it impossible for him to go to work some days as they won't all have the same schedule. Work is maybe 10 miles from the sober house. Also, he doesn't know if he will get enough hours (30+ a week) from this job. If not, he needs another part-time one which is difficult without transport.

    I could loan him the money but he already owes me almost $1200. (That doesn't include the thousands of dollars for rehab, rent, living expenses, etc. since March. I told him I would cover the medical, but have had to support him for the last six months.)
    To further complicate matters, he has agreed to come testify in an assault case next week so they may arrest him then (not the same court as above but in the same county). He claims the mother of the victim promised to pay whatever it took to settle the court problem if he came back to testify. I'm sure she doesn't know about the extra $350. I don't know how they are planning on even getting him back here as he is currently two hours away.

    Guess I'm just tired of feeling like I am in a no-win situation. I realize that *I* am not but that *HE* is. He has been selfish, immature and irresponsible. I just don't see how he will be able to get back on his feet without $800 in help. I'd rather loan him the cash for this and then have him owe me and then use his wages for rent. If he pays it, then he won't have the money for rent and I'll have to cough it up.

    At the same time, I am furious at this mother. She enabled her son to do nothing but lie around for months and use drugs. He was the main enabler in Andrew's life - the mom knew this - so, I consider her actions to be culpable where difficult child was concerned. Part of me would like to see her fix this and difficult child pay his rent with his paycheck. Maybe selfish but...

    It should be noted that he hasn't asked me for the cash. He does badly want the car.

    Any thoughts appreciated!!
    Lasted edited by : Sep 11, 2012
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Wow I am surprised they are asking him for the $800 bond... that doesnt sound right to me. Does he have a PO? Has he talked to her and shown her he has had treatment, obeyed all the rules at the sober house and gotten a job? All of that is huge! If he hasnt talked to his PO he should call them immediately and see if he has any options. I know our court here will allow community service as an alternative to paying money for court costs.

    I don't think you should offer to loan him the money if he hasn't asked you for it. Let him figure out what to do and to come up with a solution. If he wants your help he should ask for it... rather than you giving it to him without him asking for it. That goes back to our old mommy need to take care of them and solve their problems. (I speak from much experience doing just that).

  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    He is on unsupervised probation. The charge was third degree theft. They could care less whether he is sober or getting treatment or employed. I asked a long time ago about whether he could sit his fines out and the clerk told me that the judge will allow them to do that for every offense but theft. That he has a thing about theft. (Which I do too.) However, what does someone do who doesn't have the funds?

    I agree that I shouldn't offer anything. Neither should I allow him to have the car back until this is straight. Last thing I need is to have to deal with an impounded car two hours away. Sigh....

    Thank you!
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I agree that you shouldn't offer anything. He should be doing the right things and it is his mess to clean up. If he is rescued in any way it teaches them nothing - just my experience. I have learned the hard way, unfortunately. BUT, I also understand seeing them do the right things and wanting so bad to support that. But each time I tried to support my difficult child doing the right things, it would backfire and she would either regress or maybe I just had false hopes. Either way, it hasn't worked for me, yet. (((HUGS)))