Need a Detachment 101 Refresher course...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    Last spring you may recall that easy child moved out of our home and into the home of her then boyfriend/Casper(HS sweetheart, ugh)'s parents home where they lived in separate bedrooms...her reasoning was that it was too stressful at our home - BS. They broke up on Good Friday and she immediately moved out of their home and back into ours. Within a couple of months she rebounded with what was the opposite of Casper. He was loosey-goosey, they had a lot of fun for the past year. She has been a dream this past year. Now, this new kid, the anti-casper, is a nice young man, head over heels in love with easy child (poor guy) but easy child kept it very casual and when he told her he loved her she reminded him that she didn't have the same feelings for him. They went out for just under a year and she broke up with him about 2 weeks ago.

    Well, guess who she's been talking to and texting? And guess who she went out with last night? That's right, CASPER!!!! OMG, just shoot me. I opened my big mouth this morning and said something about being careful not to date too soon and rebound...especially with Casper. She of course became angry with me and I can live with that. BUT, if she goes back to Casper, I don't think I will be able to live with her. He brings out the worst in her and I am not the only one who says so - everyone in the family sees it. They love each other I'm sure, but they do not belong together. She is toxic to him just as he is toxic to her. Even H doesn't like the idea and he rarely gets involved in this relationship stuff. Of course, we both realize we can't stop her from seeing him, but that means laying down some strong boundaries in terms of dealing with her attitude in our home. And, to boot, easy child and I have a week in PR planned for August. I guess we will see how that pans out.

    So, I am officially back in detachment 101 class. Thank you for having me.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ummmm. Hmmmm.

    easy child is 21 and living in your home. Your house, your rules.

    No, you really can't stop her from seeing him, but you can do quite a bit to discourage it, if you want to. You could limit/not allow Casper contact in your home. Of course, that could make it worse, but even if it does it would spare you some of the drama. I did that with Nichole's boyfriend for oh about 6 mos or more simply because I was sick of dealing with the drama and she couldn't come to her senses.........and I was showing her that in no uncertain terms I disagreed with his disrespect and mistreatment of her. It didn't stop her from seeing him........but over time it did cause her to view their relationship differently. Once I allowed him back into my home (under the condition he treat her with respect at all times) his behavior was totally different and the drama was gone. (at least in front of me lol ) This was nice because it showed her he was capable of different behavior when he wanted to do it. That? Changed her whole attitude toward the way they interacted with each other.....and then she really started working on herself and him too as far as what she expected of him.

    I did it because I was sick to death of the in your face drama of their relationship.........and because I realized that allowing him to treat her that way in my home was sending her the wrong message, and him as well. It had some nice after effects. lol

    They are doing much much better, but there are still issues. The other day boyfriend yelled at Aubrey for crossing an empty street and forgetting to look both ways. Then Nichole heard him smart off to her that Oh, that's right, the replacement child will be here in august. OMG Nichole went OFF (personally I'd have decked him) demanded he not only apologize to Aubrey but also ask her to forgive him for saying such an ugly thing.........and now 3 days later is barely speaking to him. Turns out his parents used to say that to him and his brother all the time. ugh He had meant it to be totally backfired on him in a huge way. I understand where he's coming from on this mom used to do that all the time....I flat out would never say the same hurtful things to my kids and had to threaten her to prevent her from doing so.

    First loves are very hard to move beyond. It took easy child 3 yrs to do so. Nichole still hasn't managed it........and who knows if they'll make it.

  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    definitely can't stop her from seeing him. My recommendation would be to not talk about your feelings about Casper at all, or give her any relationship "advice" as she won't be in a good place to hear it. I would definitely set boundaries on her behavior. Absolutely. I would think carefully about what boundaries you want to set on him coming to your home. It is your home and you have the right not to have him there, although that might not be wise. I agree with Hound Dog that you should definitely limit disrespectful or abusive behavior in your home. It is hard to watch your child be in an unhealthy realtionship and the best thing you can do is let her know you love her, and you are there for her, and you won't tolerate bad behavior by anyone in your home. Good luck. Totally different situation but I too am in the detachment class.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am absolutely probably the worst person to give advise about our kids love lives since I have a horrible batting average but I will through out my two cents

    Obviously your daughter and casper have some sort of weird bond going on together. Cory's girlfriend, Mandy, does this with her old boyfriend Mike. He is one of her best friends and they are constantly together. Drives me absolutely bonkers! Cory isnt allowed to so much as talk to his baby's mother about Keyana but Mandy can spend all day in my house alone in a bedroom alone with her ex! Beats the hell out of me.

    And not to leave Jamie and Billie out, they are FB friends with both of Jamie's ex's! I simply dont get

    I questioned all this and was told I was out of it. Okay.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Believe me, thinking that not allowing your daughter to see her boyfriend is going to deter her from seeing him, doesn't work!!The more you try to limit it, the more she will do whatever it takes to see him.
    My son was in a horrible relationship years back and I did everything to manipulate the two of them breaking up and nothing worked. Once I realized it wasn't my business he figured it out himself eventually. Though I do agree about the part that it is your home and you can put boundaries on any kind of disrespectful, abusive behavior going on under your roof.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I've been there 100 times with my daughter. Believe me, the less you say the better. Except in one exteme case (internet stranger), I've always lived the philosophy "keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

    She is likely to see Casper's toxicity on her own, especially with the anti-casper to compare him to.

    You can certainly draw boundaries with regards to your home (I still don't allow my 19 year old difficult child to be in my house alonewith one of her guys. Nobody has stuck around long enough for me to be comfortable, but I can see relaxing that in the future. She doens't live with me, so it's not a huge issue any more).

    Keep calm. Say nothing. Wait patiently.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Just venting about my own personal feelings on it helps. Logically, I know she's 23 and can spend time with whomever she chooses. I don't have to like it one bit and that fact doesn't come into play with her.

    Casper is not verbally or physically abusive - it's hard to pinpoint because he isn't overtly controlling, but he does control her. It's little things he says or words or thoughts he puts into her head and mouth that change the way she behaves towards everyone else. He had her believing that WE were controlling and that our home was abusive - so far from the truth it's laughable, I asked everyone, even difficult child who's been through it all, and even she cracked up laughing. And what's even more baffling is why in the heck he would want to be with her. She's a pill and is mean to her boyfriend's. His chief complaint when they broke up last year was that she didn't show emotion and wasn't affectionate enough, claiming that he deserved to be with someone who loved him the way he needs to be loved. H really despised him for using those words because they sound so manipulative. Anyway, why they would want to reunite is beyond us.

    I will definitely not allow sleepovers this time around, that's for sure. H is adamant about this rule as we've allowed sleepovers in the past but not this time around, if there is a this time around.

    easy child was pleasant last night, obviously not holding any grudges towards me for speaking my piece, but we shall see when the weekend comes along. I wonder if she will keep it under wraps...hmmm, that's something I would have done back in the day if I knew my parents didn't approve. Hahah. She claims that she's not looking for a relationship and that she's too busy. But she's said that before and then left college to come home and be with Casper, so her claims don't mean anything anymore. She's given up a lot in the past just to be with this guy and as she gets older I know in her head she feels the pressure to be "settled" - she has said as much. I am hoping she can shrug that off.

    Thank you for the support. I am resolved to keep my mouth shut unless something detrimental to her well being pops up. At that point, I can't promise anything!
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    My daughter too gravitates to the losers and disses the less-loserly (she hasn't really ever found a truly nice guy). Drives us crazy that she can't see the deficiencies of one vs. the other even though they are in plain sight and demonstrated daily.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It's funny, but since my son got rid of wingnut years back, his girlfriend's have been ones that I can't understand what they are doing with him!! His girlfriend that he was with for 2 years, until about a year ago, and the one he is living with now, are both very sweet girls. There is something about my son that they fall head over heals for, but in my opinion, and I love him dearly, he doesn't have that much to offer. I'm not saying that to be mean, but it is what it is.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    So glad that you recognize the need to go into detachment mode.
    My thought is that after 21 especially this is the way to go.
    Also good to set boundaries/limits and to stick to them.
    She is not likely to take any advice from you re: her love life. Only chance (and that is small) is if she approaches you.
    Again, set boundaries in your home. Make it clear what is expected. Push aside your emotions from all of this. Not easy...but you'll be glad you did.