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Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 727741" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cynlee, welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling with your sons choices. You've been dealing with your son's issues for a long time, I know how exhausting that is.</p><p></p><p>It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may also find solace in the book, Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie. Many parents here find comfort in 12 step groups, like Families Anonymous, Al Anon or Narc Anon. It is important for us on this path to develop excellent support systems, this can be devastating for us parents.</p><p></p><p>I have a 45 year old daughter who exhibits behaviors which match various mental illness/conduct disorders, I understand your feelings. I've tried having her live with us many times, it never works, she is presently couch surfing which she has done for years. I've had to learn much more than I ever wanted to about detachment, letting go and accepting what I cannot change.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, when our kids begin stealing from us, lying to us and manipulating us to get what they need, it usually ushers in us asking them to leave. I understand how heartbreaking that is, however, what are your alternatives? Being held hostage in your own home? Locking up your valuables? These are hard choices. You've given your son a choice to get help and he has refused. Perhaps he doesn't believe you will act on your ultimatum. However, since you gave him the choice and he refused, if you don't follow through then it will be apparent to him that your word means nothing. </p><p></p><p>You might look up shelters in your town and offer your son that list.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the sticking point for most of us.....the guilt of what MIGHT happen if we act on what we believe to be the right action. That guilt can keep us stuck for years. What happens to us when we face reality with our adult troubled kids is that we often slip into the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, which then prevents us from moving forward. I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist well versed in mental illness AND addiction. Is appears you are dealing with both issues, mental illness AND substance abuse. It is difficult for many of us parents to make these hard choices without professional help. Overcoming that guilt is challenging and can keep us stuck in the same situation for a very long time.</p><p></p><p>Often when we reach the point where eviction is now an option, we have reached OUR bottom, the point at which we recognize that our enabling our kids has not helped and in fact, my have hindered any real change or growth. Your son has no incentive to change as you take care of everything for him. It will have to be YOU who changes. Which means you will need to stop enabling him and start responding differently, setting boundaries, saying no and putting your own needs and desires as the priority. </p><p></p><p>I encourage you to continue posting here, it helps a lot to write our stories down and receive acknowledgment, understanding, compassion and support. I would also encourage you to get yourself a therapist and stay strong on your resolve to have your son take the reins of his own life and either get the help he needs or start to live his own life however he desires without inflicting his choices and the consequences of his behaviors on you.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Cynlee. Keep posting and get yourself a good support system. You're not alone. We're all here with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 727741, member: 13542"] Cynlee, welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling with your sons choices. You've been dealing with your son's issues for a long time, I know how exhausting that is. It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may also find solace in the book, Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie. Many parents here find comfort in 12 step groups, like Families Anonymous, Al Anon or Narc Anon. It is important for us on this path to develop excellent support systems, this can be devastating for us parents. I have a 45 year old daughter who exhibits behaviors which match various mental illness/conduct disorders, I understand your feelings. I've tried having her live with us many times, it never works, she is presently couch surfing which she has done for years. I've had to learn much more than I ever wanted to about detachment, letting go and accepting what I cannot change. Unfortunately, when our kids begin stealing from us, lying to us and manipulating us to get what they need, it usually ushers in us asking them to leave. I understand how heartbreaking that is, however, what are your alternatives? Being held hostage in your own home? Locking up your valuables? These are hard choices. You've given your son a choice to get help and he has refused. Perhaps he doesn't believe you will act on your ultimatum. However, since you gave him the choice and he refused, if you don't follow through then it will be apparent to him that your word means nothing. You might look up shelters in your town and offer your son that list. This is the sticking point for most of us.....the guilt of what MIGHT happen if we act on what we believe to be the right action. That guilt can keep us stuck for years. What happens to us when we face reality with our adult troubled kids is that we often slip into the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, which then prevents us from moving forward. I would strongly encourage you to find a therapist well versed in mental illness AND addiction. Is appears you are dealing with both issues, mental illness AND substance abuse. It is difficult for many of us parents to make these hard choices without professional help. Overcoming that guilt is challenging and can keep us stuck in the same situation for a very long time. Often when we reach the point where eviction is now an option, we have reached OUR bottom, the point at which we recognize that our enabling our kids has not helped and in fact, my have hindered any real change or growth. Your son has no incentive to change as you take care of everything for him. It will have to be YOU who changes. Which means you will need to stop enabling him and start responding differently, setting boundaries, saying no and putting your own needs and desires as the priority. I encourage you to continue posting here, it helps a lot to write our stories down and receive acknowledgment, understanding, compassion and support. I would also encourage you to get yourself a therapist and stay strong on your resolve to have your son take the reins of his own life and either get the help he needs or start to live his own life however he desires without inflicting his choices and the consequences of his behaviors on you. Hang in there Cynlee. Keep posting and get yourself a good support system. You're not alone. We're all here with you. [/QUOTE]
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Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse
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