Need advice and direction

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mmarti, Dec 22, 2009.

  1. mmarti

    mmarti New Member

    difficult child is now 27 and demonstrated problems from about age 9. ACOA (husband is high functioning alcoholic , somewhat physically abusive in our 20's' and 30's - pushing , shoving, throwing things- now verbal ...and we've been together for 33 years..I was active in Alanon for about 3 years) , difficult child diagnosis clinical depression and 1 doctor said "mildly BiPolar (BP)"...difficult child had been in and out of county jail for various offenses from 17 - 21, 2 dui's and hasn't had drivers license since he was about 22. He left home for 3 years, to go to sound engineering school in a different state (dropped out of HS at 16 but got GED), I supported him and he did well in school, then he moved to NY to intern and found a girl to support him, (each time I moved him around the country) but that relationship was toxic and he was abusive. He has never maintained any job longer than a few months. He recently (1 1/2 weeks ago) came back home to relocate to a nearby city, (I helped move him home). He feels like a failure, hates himself and still uses acohol and pot although not with same frequency as teens, He is moving in with a friend in a nearby city (about hour and half away) after before New Years Day. The stress level in the house is unbearable...he's up all night prowling around , wakes us up making noise, ...sleeps all day.... has asked me to help with his first months rent. If I say no, he stays in my house and doesn't move...alternative is put him out on the street and I can't do that...I've offered to pay for a therapist for him and he may take me up on that...I guess I'm looking for input on how to cope..are there resources for him (or is my providing therapy the best way to go)..with his record (1 felony) and drug use getting a decent job is difficult..I'm at a loss as to how to help me (and me)...thoughts?
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I would encourage you to go back to alanon mmarti. It will help you realize you have to put your serenity first and help you to establish healthy boundaries. This has to be his fight, not yours. You are in a tough spot and you need the support.

    Also, probably the best place for this post is parent emeritus. You might find greater support there because the posters all have grown kids. I have a 27 year old stepson who lives in our basement and appears to have no plan to grow up yet. Unfortunately it may take hitting bottom for these "kids" to find the motivation. If we keep enabling them they never will.


    Hugs to you and welcome to the CD family!
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! I think Tough Love is in order here. Sounds like difficult child and husband are quite the same.
    Either you enable difficult child for the rest of his life, or start Tough Love now.

    Hard to do, I know.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would post on Parent Emeritus forum...for grown kids who have problems. However, I pretty much know that almost all will tell you not to enable him and to let him fall if he must. The parents over there have all dealt with grown kids who don't want to grow up, are in trouble, substance abuse, steal, end up in jail...etc.

    I wouldn't pay for him. JMO, but I'd let him hit rock bottom or he may never get help. He has no incentive to change if he knows he'll have a place to eat and sleep and that you feel sorry for him.

    Very hard to do, but we needed to do it to our daughter before she would change. It worked.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...Im gonna be pretty blunt here. You have done enough already. You have helped him to get some training, you have moved him all around various states it appears, you have helped him run from himself and his problems. He has made some bad decisions with the felony and the drug use. Many son included. At some point, the birdies have to leave the nest. Just because he had a father who is/was an alcoholic and he has depression or may be mildly bipolar doesnt mean he needs to live with you forever. Its time for him to be on his own.

    My son is 23, he is bipolar and has a personality disorder of some sort and he lives on his own. He grew up with me...I have a multitude of mental illnesses and physical disabilities.

    Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for them is to push them out. My son has done so much better out on his own than he did when he lived here. MUCH MUCH better!
  6. mmarti

    mmarti New Member

    I think I knew what you all would say and maybe I just need to hear it from impartial 3rd parties. I'll check out the emeritus site suggested. Thank you for that. I'm so afraid he'll try to kill himself and feel abandoned with no hope...It's so hard... Thanks for the advice..I'll keep you posted..