Need advice on 33 year old son

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Kathy Guraro, May 11, 2018.

  1. krenai

    krenai New Member

    My 33 year old son lives home with us. He has not been formally diagnosed because he refuses to see a doctor. He knows he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression but has been isolated with no friends for at least 8 years now. He pushes everyone out of his life. He refuses medications and is so miserable and has recently started to blame me for not helping him. He won't take my advice to be diagnosed. He works for my husband his father during the day and still functions well, eats and works out after work. He tells me he is going to kill himself and doesn't want to be here anymore. He has nothing to live for. He also is mad at me for not fixing it. He hates our home but refuses to get out on his own knowing he will be alone. My husband and I are beside ourselves how to help him. This is a small blipp of the whole story but a start.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Welcome to this site but sorry you need to be here. If you truly believe your son is suicidal you can call a crisis center or police and they will take him for an evaluation against his will. However they must believe he is a danger to himself or others to do this. If he is living in your home and expecting mom to fix "it" he is not functioning well. Everyones situation is different but to be living at home at 33 is not allowing him to have the opportunity to become independent and the self esteem that comes from that. My husband told me recently that by letting my son solve his own problems would give him a sense of pride even though he doesnt understand that now. I was also guilty of providing too much help which was not helping him. As far as refusing to get out he is 33 an adult. I would consider consulting an attorney to have him evicted. His life is his responsibility. I would seek counseling for yourself in order to learn how to best help him and yourself. As far as the suicide threats my son has also threatened and like i said if you think he is serious call for help when he threatens if he is not they will know. Some Difficult Child use it to manipulate but it is hard because you don't know. Others will respond soon. Keep posting and remember to take what feels right to you and leave the rest. Prayers are with you.
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  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

    Your son is an adult; you have learned the hard way that adults cannot be forced to do anything they are not ready and willing to do for themselves.

    I recommend calling 911 and informing the authorities that your son is making suicidal statements. They will take him to a hospital for evaluation.

    Your son needs to help himself. You've done more than many parents would do. His accusations are a function of his mental illness, nothing more.

    Please consider whether you can continue housing him. In his condition he will be eligible for assistance.

    He will not get better unless he is forced to live his own life and stop hiding in your basement.

    Keep us posted, we are here for you.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree that if he is working for Dad and still lives at home at age 33 and if he only has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression, (I have depression and it is very treatable and common) then he is functioning more like a ten year old than a grown man. My autistic son is 24 and works in the community and lives on his own. Your son has nothing about him that is so paralyzing that he shouldn't be able to function and pay his own bills and work for somebody unrelated to him. I certainly hope he doesn't have a car you provide for and pay for or even a cell phone you pay for. You have needs too and you can't live forever. Then what? If he do much as whispers suicide call 911. Bet he will stop doing it. Or at least he will be in professional hands if he is truly suicidal. You aren't a professional.

    If he were my son, he would be evicted. My daughter took drugs and had to leave our house for that at 19 . She is now 34 with a two year college degree (her loan), a house, a long term boyfriend, my granddaughter and doesn't ask us for money. We are very close. She is thankful we made her leave, at least now, not at the time. Sometimes it takes that.

    I really hope you give thought to not only his life once youre gone but your own quality of life while you are here. He is not your baby boy anymore. He is tall, with a deep voice, hair all over and society sees him as 33. He MAY qualify for SSI, Medicaid, food share and low income housing. It's a start. You can not help him or fix him or any other adult human being. It is all on him, as it is always on the person himself. It has not worked for you two to fix him so far. It won't.

    He can not depend on you forever. If he is able bodied he can find a job where Dad isn't his tolerant boss. That's not real life. If he can work out (who pays for the gym?) he can do heavy work or even flip burgers and he may make some friends. That is within his abilities. He can get help for depression too and he has a lot of gall mooching off of you and refusing to get mental healthcare to help himself do better. That's his fault. I would insist he go for psychiatry and prove it to me by showing me each receipt or pack his bags. I am tough but I got results.

    Love and light!!
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    Last edited: May 11, 2018