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Need Advice on Abandonment Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Mominator" data-source="post: 646867" data-attributes="member: 18745"><p>This isn't exactly the same, but maybe my story will help.</p><p></p><p>I adopted 4 kids (siblings) through foster care. Three of them were almost 4 years in the system. My husband and I got to know bio-mom pretty well during the whole foster care process and kinda felt sorry for her. She has mental illness and substance abuse problems, but she tried hard. She just never got it together enough to get them back. My husband and I allowed her phone contact after the adoption on speaker on our cell. </p><p></p><p>The baby never knew bio-mom- born and placed into foster care after the other 3 were removed. She was never interested in the calls. The next 2 children (from youngest to oldest) decided after a couple months they didn't want to hear bio-mom's voice anymore. Even knowing the calls were about to happen agitated them. The oldest child, who was parentified, wanted to continue contact. So, we allowed calls (still on speaker phone) with just the oldest. Bio-mom had a fit, but we told her she had to respect their wishes. She wasn't the one that had gone through foster care all those years. After another year, the oldest stopped talking to bio-mom at the request of her therapist. The therapist felt because she was parentified, she felt guilty being in a safe environment and felt she was responsible for ensuring bio-mom's safety. After 6 months, none of the kids asked about bio-mom.</p><p></p><p>Because we had gotten to know the mom, however, we told her she could continue to call our cell and talk to us (adoptive parents) and could write to the kids and we would keep the letters until if/when the kids decided to start asking questions about her. We instructed bio-mom (and the bio-dads x2) to write to the kids about how much they were loved, how foster care wasn't the child's fault, but instead the result of the mistakes they'd made, how the bio got his/her life back on track (if it happened), how happy bio was the kids were in a loving, safe home, etc. To this day (8 years later) we haven't received a single letter. We do get phone calls a couple times a year from bio-mom and once every couple years from one of the dads asking how everyone is doing. </p><p></p><p>In my situation, respecting the kids wishes made them feel listened to and empowered them. The older 2 of the kids tell me that immediately after the adoption, they felt safe. Basically it was the constant "what if" of her calling, of her visits, of her getting custody, etc. that created the majority of their fears, unease, and behaviors at that time. </p><p></p><p>As their adoptive parents we openly acknowledge with the kids that it is a normal response to want to find their bio-family when they grow up. So, I have started a genealogy tree online for them of their bio-family and will give it to them when they are grown. We tell them that in a perfect world, their bio-parents will have their lives in good order and at best, the kids will have 2 wonderful sets of parents. However, we remind them that the world isn't perfect and at a minimum, they will have more than they started their lives with by having one set of loving STABLE parents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mominator, post: 646867, member: 18745"] This isn't exactly the same, but maybe my story will help. I adopted 4 kids (siblings) through foster care. Three of them were almost 4 years in the system. My husband and I got to know bio-mom pretty well during the whole foster care process and kinda felt sorry for her. She has mental illness and substance abuse problems, but she tried hard. She just never got it together enough to get them back. My husband and I allowed her phone contact after the adoption on speaker on our cell. The baby never knew bio-mom- born and placed into foster care after the other 3 were removed. She was never interested in the calls. The next 2 children (from youngest to oldest) decided after a couple months they didn't want to hear bio-mom's voice anymore. Even knowing the calls were about to happen agitated them. The oldest child, who was parentified, wanted to continue contact. So, we allowed calls (still on speaker phone) with just the oldest. Bio-mom had a fit, but we told her she had to respect their wishes. She wasn't the one that had gone through foster care all those years. After another year, the oldest stopped talking to bio-mom at the request of her therapist. The therapist felt because she was parentified, she felt guilty being in a safe environment and felt she was responsible for ensuring bio-mom's safety. After 6 months, none of the kids asked about bio-mom. Because we had gotten to know the mom, however, we told her she could continue to call our cell and talk to us (adoptive parents) and could write to the kids and we would keep the letters until if/when the kids decided to start asking questions about her. We instructed bio-mom (and the bio-dads x2) to write to the kids about how much they were loved, how foster care wasn't the child's fault, but instead the result of the mistakes they'd made, how the bio got his/her life back on track (if it happened), how happy bio was the kids were in a loving, safe home, etc. To this day (8 years later) we haven't received a single letter. We do get phone calls a couple times a year from bio-mom and once every couple years from one of the dads asking how everyone is doing. In my situation, respecting the kids wishes made them feel listened to and empowered them. The older 2 of the kids tell me that immediately after the adoption, they felt safe. Basically it was the constant "what if" of her calling, of her visits, of her getting custody, etc. that created the majority of their fears, unease, and behaviors at that time. As their adoptive parents we openly acknowledge with the kids that it is a normal response to want to find their bio-family when they grow up. So, I have started a genealogy tree online for them of their bio-family and will give it to them when they are grown. We tell them that in a perfect world, their bio-parents will have their lives in good order and at best, the kids will have 2 wonderful sets of parents. However, we remind them that the world isn't perfect and at a minimum, they will have more than they started their lives with by having one set of loving STABLE parents. [/QUOTE]
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