need advice on handling tantrums

[bramblewoodbabydoll]

Firstly an update since last posting about the biodad drinking and driving. X1 agreed to let Sniper move back in with me with little protest. He is seeking treatment also. Sniper has been back a week and things are going fine with him.

Sprite has had a few outburst but tonight an all out tantrum with screaming and flailing on the floor. She is bored. Im tired from work all week and we ate supper. I wanted to do some light housework before settling down. She wanted to play and run around and somehow all this escalated into her pitching a 3 year old like tantrum. Not knowing what else to do after she went to her room to sit in the floor and bang on the closed door I asked if she would like to take a pillow and punch it or scream into - of course she is defiant and said no. I asked her if she'd like to pray about her feelings. She said there wasnt a god that loved her so whats the use... Im at loss. She told me to leave he alone so I did. I just have no idea how Im supposed to handle this. Any suggestions?

by the way we did get a diagnosis from the psychologist, general axiety disorder. Still have not gotten the neuropsychologist evaluation but Im going to look into finding a private facility to get that done at since the teaching hospital is takieing too long to get back.
Im wiped out from this week. I really wanted to have a quiet night.

-Brambles

 

[gcvmom]

Sometime they just need to let the emotions out so they can move on. You can try to redirect. You can try to empathize. You can try getting them to talk about it. During the tirade it's usually hard to negotiate alternatives. You might consider sitting with her after she's calmed down to talk about things she can do when she feels that way.

Our NAMI Basics class talks a lot about reflective responses. It helps diffuse the emotion and prevents escalation:

1. Acknowledge the reality of your child's "lived experience" -- that is, their reality (rather than your reality)
2. Direct your response to what someone having this experience must be feeling (rather than what you are feeling)
3. Communicate that you understandwhat your child believes and how your child feels
4. Do not attempt to correct or "disconfirm" your child's viewpoint until you have reflected back their perception and feelings

Another way to understand this is to use the "airport" metaphor. Whatever runway your child "takes off" on, you come in on the exact same runway. You don't land on another runway. If your child says, "I hate school and I'm never going back," you say "It sounds like you really don't like going to school." If your child says, "I hate you and I hate living in this house!" you say, "It must be terrible to be that unhappy."

What you are doing is staying with the feelings that have been communicated. This means you are going to listen for the emotional content of what you are hearing, rather than getting upset at the words. In this way, you can reflect back the essential part of your child's communication.

Examples of reflective responses are:

You're angry with me because I would not let you go to Nicole's house.

You seem sad today.

I know this is frustrating for you.

Being left out is hard.

You sound very discouraged about school.

 

[gcvmom]

P.S. They also have a handout for Strategies for Managing Rage... a bit more typing on my part though! But I can paraphrase probably if you're interested...

 

[moonglow]

Any changes with a child with anxiety is going to set them off. Having Sniper come home is a change. My son has an anxiety disorder and takes buspar which has helped alot...but still unexpected changes can cause his anxiety to go way up. Keeping things the same as much as possible helps greatly and letting her know in advance when something new is going to happen might help her prepare for that too and not get so upset.

Good luck on the neuropsychologist evaluation ...let us know how it turns out.

Julie

 

[Star*]

Hi there -

I would RUN screaming to the nearest book store or order through this site the book called HOW TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN AND HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL TALK.

Do it now, while she's 3 and you are going to save yourself a BUNCH of heartache. There are week by week lessons that will take you through daily practices of exactly how to avoid exhausting yourself with "what should I do."

However - to humore you; When my son (now 19) was 5 - we were in Kmart and he had been with Daddy dearest. May I have, had been replaced with Brat syndrome and he was now at full bore throwing and tossing toys he could not have because I couldn't afford them. (Daddy dearest KNEW this).

When I gave the redirection to get the toy he threw 1/2 an aisle length and place it back in the correct spot? He said NO and you can't make me. So...I did what any Mother would do - and THREW myself on the floor and began flailing my arms and legs, kicking and screaming that I was a horrible Mother, that I couldn't afford a toy, and I kept this up until other Moms came to watch and until Dude went and got the toy and replaced it as I asked then came to me and through his 5 year old gritted teeth said "Stop it you're 'barrasing me." I got an applause from one Mother and another one said she wished she had done the same thing years ago.

To this day - even at 19 - I merely have to mention that I can, and will throw a bigger and more obscene temper tantrum ANYWHERE, and ANYTIME - and it has completely stopped further ones in public of the WILL YOU BUY ME THIS nature with Dude, with me. Other tantrums? Well it's still a work in progress - but then he's got to turn 40 someday

Hugs & Welcome
Star

 

[tiredmommy]

Sprite is older than my Duckie but we've had days (& weeks) like this. I call them "egg shell days". This going to sound awful but there were days when I just knew it was a matter of time before the meltdown or rage was coming. It was a force of nature and nothing could stop it. So I didn't try, sometimes I even triggered it so we could move forward with our day. I'm not actually recommending this for an eleven year old, but it did make a big difference for my three/four/five or six year old. She was able to get back to herself after the blow up and I would hold off on negative consequences if I triggered her.

 

[ML]

I love the term egg shell days. It's perfect and it conveys exactly the feeling. I have recently discovered the power of validation with manster. If I "go there" with him and say things like "of course you're feeling upset, x, y or z is hard to deal with and I'm proud of you for doing your best to deal with this difficult situation. It helps. Of course there are many times that I have to ignore the tantrum or meltdown but when possible, I like to handle the emotionally charged situations this way. Good luck!

 

[TPaul]

What a picture I have of Star down on the ground throwing that fit, LOL

My advice, pick you battles. Sometimes thier being kids, they will act this way. Does not make it right, but kids will be kids.

For me, I am slowing coming to the realization that I have to be careful not to see everything through BiPolar (BP) or other colored glasses. Everything that my diagnosed difficult child, and my 2 other younger children who still could display symptoms, might do or how they might act can be just them being a kid and not always a BiPolar (BP) caused issue. They have been in a home with a bipolar mom all these years and that has to have an affect on how they handle and deal with things. Children in many things learn from thier parents how to handle situations and such. With wife being BiPolar (BP) if they mimic how she handles things, they are just showing learned behaviour and not symptoms.

tpaul

 

[moonglow]

Hi there -

I would RUN screaming to the nearest book store or order through this site the book called HOW TO TALK SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL LISTEN AND HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL TALK.

Do it now, while she's 3 and you are going to save yourself a BUNCH of heartache. There are week by week lessons that will take you through daily practices of exactly how to avoid exhausting yourself with "what should I do."

However - to humore you; When my son (now 19) was 5 - we were in Kmart and he had been with Daddy dearest. May I have, had been replaced with Brat syndrome and he was now at full bore throwing and tossing toys he could not have because I couldn't afford them. (Daddy dearest KNEW this).

When I gave the redirection to get the toy he threw 1/2 an aisle length and place it back in the correct spot? He said NO and you can't make me. So...I did what any Mother would do - and THREW myself on the floor and began flailing my arms and legs, kicking and screaming that I was a horrible Mother, that I couldn't afford a toy, and I kept this up until other Moms came to watch and until Dude went and got the toy and replaced it as I asked then came to me and through his 5 year old gritted teeth said "Stop it you're 'barrasing me." I got an applause from one Mother and another one said she wished she had done the same thing years ago.

To this day - even at 19 - I merely have to mention that I can, and will throw a bigger and more obscene temper tantrum ANYWHERE, and ANYTIME - and it has completely stopped further ones in public of the WILL YOU BUY ME THIS nature with Dude, with me. Other tantrums? Well it's still a work in progress - but then he's got to turn 40 someday

Hugs & Welcome
Star

lol...when Nate was little...boy I was tempted to do that! lol. Good for you! I don't think I would actually have the nerve to do it..