Need advice on this one!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Paris, Dec 19, 2007.

  1. Paris

    Paris New Member

    I just sent my son to his Grandmother's for the holiday. My sister and brother live in the same town as well. I had him on a great schedule where he gets up early (for him) and goes to bed early (for him), he's taking his medications, doing at least one productive thing each day. He enrolled in college and picked out a high school to attend next semester. Great, so off he goes to grandma's and everything gets thrown off!

    My mother, sister and brother work all day so he is left all day in the house with no one to keep him on track. So he slept all day! And my mom is mad about this!
    Even though he is out of state he should still get up and go to a gym or something.

    Am I wrong to be mad at my mother, my sister and brother for not being there to get him up and going? I did ask them in advance if it was okay for him to come and they all said yes and how they knew how it important it was to keep him on a schedule.

    I know he's not a baby, but he does have issues.

    Either I tell him to buck up and get himself up and out the door or I yell at my mother! Or I tell her kindly to please leave work early or ask someone in the family to??

    By the way, he's on Effexor now and he seems better (takes Zyprexa also).

  2. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    I think you need to bring your son back home. If he is not prepared to behave as an adult, then he should not be visiting family (who never really get it, however often we tell them) that so and so needs extra help.

    Responsibility is squarely on son's shoulders for this one.

    At eighteen, the issue of getting himself up in the morning should not be an issue for anyone else.

    Does he need an alarm clock?

    And could you be more specific about "addicted to pot"?

    This is not something you should be angry with your mother about.

    You posted that your son is enrolled in college and has chosen a high school.

    Could you clarify that for us too?

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd say son needs to come back home. If he can't take on the responsibility to get himself up and moving, then it really isn't fair to leave him with your Mom. Barbara is right, family usually don't really get it with difficult children even if they want to.

    I let my mother take Travis when he was a teen for an extended visit during the summer. Travis has always been on a strict routine because he needs it. Mom knew this, chose to ignore it. (boy has a list of dxes and she still refuses to believe he's a difficult child) Next thing I know my then 15 yr old is staying up all night long and sleeping most of the day away! My Mom got upset with HIM called ME and yelled at me for it. I told her it was time to bring him home.

    Personally, I could still strangle her for this. Travis' sleep pattern has been messed up every since. But I didn't even fuss at her for it. I shouldn't have let him stay when I knew she just refused to get it.

    At 18, your son should be able to get himself up and moving for the day. I'd buy him an alarm clock and welcome him to adulthood. (I don't worry about my adult kids sleeping patterns)

  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I don't think it's fair to be mad at your Mom for your son's refusal to follow the rules. It sounds as if he is too dependent on others (you?) to keep himself on track and needs to learn these skills before he ventures out again.

    Bring him home, Paris.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I have some questions. Is he visiting for the holidays, an extended stay, just for a few days? Were there expectations (and a reason) why he needed to be up and moving other than because no one likes a slug? Sorry, I think an 18 YO sleeping all day when he can is pretty typical.

    I wouldn't necessarily be bringing home. I think your mother and your son need to have a chat about what the expectations are in her home. If he can't follow them, then he needs to come home.

    I do agree it is time for him to start taking some responsibility for himself. He needs to get himself out of bed and moving. You can't always do it for him. Just doesn't work.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    hey paris -

    I wouldn't be mad with your Mom either. It's not her responsibility to get an 18 year old young man up out of bed.

    However; if everyone is at work what else did you or he think he was going to do? Does he have a car there? Are options for activities within walking distance? Does your Mom leave him a list of TO DO's?

    If it was decided before hand that he go to the gym or something, and your son isn't doing that - still not anyones responsibility but his. Now would NOT be the best time to tell your Mom what he needs, that should have been addressed before hand. It sounds like you did that; and maybe everyone is ignoring the "schedule" or maybe since difficult child is away from you? He's decided to march to his own little drummer boy. If that's the case - bring him home.

    If you sent him away to get a much needed break in your life? Then I would call my Mom tell her to either buy him an alarm clock and stick to your pre-discussed plans or send him a bus ticket and unplug my phone.

    Sorry for the frustration -
  7. Paris

    Paris New Member

    He went there for the xmas holiday and it was discussed before he left. My mom had these big plans to keep him busy, but everyone got busy I guess and it didn't work out that way.

    He does not have a car there, but everything is within a few miles. And he loves to walk so it's not a big deal.

    I wanted to keep him on a schedule so it's not so hard to get him back on track when he comes home. He's mad about it too and even asked to come home. I feel like no way! I don't want to pay the extra money to have him come home early and if he is so upset by it he can wake himself up.

    I think I will have a talk with both of them because mom's off the clock! lol

    Thanks for the advice!! : )
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    The case of MOMMY WE WANT A PUPPY!!!!!!!! I get it.

    Paris, plans are plans - if your Mom and brother and sister in law agreed to have plans made and they got busy in between sending difficult child there and the plans - I think that's awful. I understand things happen, plans change, but I think you both (you and son) thought he would be going to Grandmas and doing, seeing etc.. and now nothing. Too bad really - sounds like they're missing out doing things with a super kid.

    And I kinda get the sense that YOU "need" the break. VERY understandable. If he's that bored and already asking you to bring him home - I'd talk to my Mom and brother in law/sis and ask them what happened - do they not have time to spend with him like they originally planned? Even at 18 - it's hard to entertain yourself. And like MB said - sleeping in when there are no plans - largely difficult child.

    I just don't get the big picture here - they wanted him to come - they had things planned for him to do -their plans fell through- he is pretty much on his own, so he sleeps - and now THAT isn't okay? Fill me in - I'm really trying to come up with something other than saying he needs to come home - but do know this. MY difficult child wants to be ANYWHERE but HERE in that time and space. So okay I make plans - he goes and THAT isn't where he wants to be either - so I would bring him back, and then okay that was great and in 2 days he wanted to be ANYWHERE BUT HERE AGAIN.

    (see a mad pattern in that?) lol

    Fill me in when you can. Maybe some schedule tweaking on everyones part is needed to pitch in like a family and help. ???

  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I may be in the minority here but the more you say, the more I think your mother is the one in the wrong. (Kinda thought so from your first post but didn't want to come out and say it with more facts.) If they said he should come and they would do this and that, then discovered work schedule had changed, it was up to your mother to warn you and your son that things had changed but she still wanted to see him when she got home from work. (Gotta admit, though, I'm not sure how things can change from a work schedule -- that's usually something you know is going to happen.)

    Heck, I think I might have spent the day in bed if people told me we were going to do things together and then they left me to fed for myself. And I'd certainly want to come home where someone actually cared that I was around rather than yelling at me for sleeping when they left me no real alternatives.

    I think you should talk to your mother and find out what she expects your son to do all day. Going to activities alone is no fun, especially not when you're young. If she doesn't want him sleeping, she needs to help him make some definite plans either with young people in the neighborhood or with your siblings. To get mad at him for being a teen is counterproductive in my opinion.
  10. Paris

    Paris New Member

    Thank you! I completely agree!! I was really mad at my mom. I thought it was really unfair that she did that. My mother is a workaholic and every time she plans to take time off she panics and changes her mind. I really should have expected it.

    I just called her and asked her nicely what her plans were and she said she was going to take off work to go get him. I know she sensed my disappointment.

    I told her I don't mind him walking because he likes to walk, but yesterday it was pouring down rain there and to walk a few miles in the rain can't be fun. I wouldn't have gotten up either.

    Yeah my son does the geographic thing too, he always wants to go to a better place. Then when he gets there the darn problem seemed to follow him! Why? Because I tell him, "You're the problem and no matter where you run to you can't escape from yourself!".

    Oh my poor lil' baby! LOL
  11. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    Before reading any other replies, I would say that you need to bring him home. The initial plan changed, he is home all day, and he needs to be where he is around people who can keep him on a schedule.

    Yes he is of age, but yes, he also has issues. Until it, being able to get up on his own accord, becomes habit, he will not do it himself. Therefore it is critical to keep on him until he does. He needs that stability. It is like getting mad at a kid because he is not growing fast enough. Some things are out of their control.

    I would say either 1. bring him home or 2. go out there with him. JMO
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Soooo Girlfriend - Whaz up?
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your mother promised to keep him on schedule, then she reneged on her promise. However, things happen and, in the end, I agree that he's eighteen and if he can't take care of himself then it's really not your mom's responsibility. Now if she called and begged him to come out and made all sorts of promises, she is certainly in the wrong, but it's still his and your responsibility in the end as he is your child--but your ADULT child. He's a pot addict? My guess is he is taking more than pot. I thought my daughter was just smoking pot too. That may be partly why his days and nights are messed up. My daughter would sleep all day and be up all night because it was easier to use drugs at night when WE were sleeping.
    I'm kind of torn on this one. One one hand, if she promised, she should follow through. On the other hand, as one who is now fifty-four, I don't think I'd want a grandchild to visit me if he was any sort of drug addict. I did my time, still have two minor kids, and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that at my stage in my life. It's not as easy to deal with those sorts of problems at fifty-four than when you're thirty-four. Since you are forty, I am assuming she is in her sixties. She may have had great intentions and then, when faced with him, suddenly decided he was too much for her to handle. Would he use drugs while on vacation with her? Just my thoughts.
  14. Paris

    Paris New Member

    Okay, after I had a talk with the family they decided to send him to my sisters who has more patience and time (my mom's a workaholic). He is doing MUCH better! Whew!! I was so worried there for a moment.

    I test my son and the only thing that ever comes up is pot and even that is random.
    He's more of a periodic user, like he can go long periods of time without it, but then when he does it he'll do it daily. Like he'll smoke for a week, quit for a week, sometimes two or even three, then back on again. He has a love-hate relationship with it.

    Whether he is smoking out there I do not know. I don't know how he would get it, but with my son, if he wants it he'll find it!

    My son is bipolar, so I spend many nights awake with him when he is manic. This really throws his schedule off. This is another reason my mom has a hard time with him. She is in her late sixties yes, so it's hard for her to stay up and console him.

    Other than that, great news regarding medications. The Effexor and Zyprexa seem to be working well together : ) So far he's much more stable now, not totally well, but MUCH better. None of the mood stabilizers were working so his doctor said let's try something from a different family. I wasn't convinced at first, but now I'm hopeful.

    We'll see!!
  15. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Paris,

    I am seeing this thread late. I'm glad to see your son has gone to your sister's house. I hope it all works out for the holidays.

    I want to add something, though, about testing your son for drugs. We used to have Angela tested for pot. She was tested for a 10 chemical panel. The dr. never told us that this did not include LSD! When I inquired about it, he said it was a separate test and it was expensive--about $100 at the time--plus you have to have the test within 24 hours of using the LSD. Well, we told the dr. to give us an order to have the LSD test done (at random--a continuous non-expiring order). Voila! We "caught" her twice using LSD. I later learned that it was her drug of choice at the time.

    Angela started out with drinking, moved to pot, and then moved on to LSD and other drugs such as Ecstacy. I personally feel that pot is a gateway to worse and more addictive drugs.

    Just wanted to give you a head's up on this.

    Take care,