Need advice related to 3 year old grandson

[Aidensgrandma]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and hopefully someone can give me some advice on if I am worrying too much, or not enough.

My son is 38, had a son with a 21 year old girl, Ali......they both did drugs, but she did not during pregnancy, I am told.
Our grandson, Aiden, will be 3 in February.

Since our son, the 38 year old has been in prison 4 times for drug related issues, he probably wasn't the best choice to father a child, but that is behind us now.

Anyway, our son is a deadbeat dad, very rarely sees his son.
My husband and I, married 42 years, are trying to help the child's mother, she works, and also attends college to become a teacher.

My husband or I pick Aiden up from daycare mostly 4, 5 days a week. And keep him until his mother is home, cause her college classes, supposedly, are only offered in the evening.
She lives with HER mother, and her 14 year old hyperactive, on medications, half brother, who won't even LOOK at our grandson.


Now, the issue, and sorry if this is lengthy.......

Since Aiden has been 7 months old, he cries whenever he is taken to the other grandmoms house.
We thought, ah, maybe separation anxiety...whatever......
It has NEVER stopped. He does not want to go back to that house.

If his mother comes here, he will hit her, tell her to go away...scream...etc.
EVERY single time.
He has never appeared happy to see her. MY kids ran to me when they were little.
Daycare says Aiden is only happy when we pick him up. Not his mother or other grandma.

Since the start of this at 7 months old, I have felt there was some issue going on...but not sure what. I'm still not sure.

Now, today, the babymomma calls me, and says they are putting grandson in a special class due to his acting out, kicking, hitting, spitting.......etc.
He is also refusing to be potty trained, even bribery is not helping........(m&m's lol) But we're not pushing it at all.

Unfortunately, I cannot see what is going on in that house.
I am not sure if 14 year old half Uncle is verbally abusing him, or if the problem is, no consistency.

My husband and I, retired, live in Canada for the Summer. We came home early this year related to the grandsons acting out.
We were going to Florida for the Winter, but cancelled that to care for grandson.

I realize we cannot fix these problems, we are going to Canada this summer, and I have offered to take grandson for 6 weeks, and bring him back home, (a 10 1/2 hour drive one way)so baby momma could perhaps catch up on classes. She is a year back related to getting mixed up with my son.

I am a retired Pediatric Registered Nurse, and my husband is a retired aeronautical engineer.
We just cannot grasp what is going on, or what we can do within our power to help grandson.

can someone give me some insight?

The babymomma is taking baby to Pediatrician...but he's not going to solve anything.
I even suggested a recorder for in the house when she's not home........so she can hear what is going on with half brother.

I do know for a fact her mother was very unhappy she did not have an abortion, and speaks strangely about her daughter.
Like "I can't wait for her to move."........"she had the child, it's her responsibility"........but when I am there she seems kind and loving towards grandson, although he doesn't want to go to her either.......

Please help.

Thank you
Diane

 

[buddy]

Wow Diane, I am sorry for you. I dont know if her name is real in your story, if so you may want to edit it, just in case. People find things in weird ways on the internet and I would never want this child out of your life.

I can see that there would be many concerns. I am for one thing thinking that he is probably really bonded to you and he is likely receiving a more calm and attentlive life when he is with you. that is not a bad thing, lol! But of course if the other environment is not too healthy, then he is clearly going to want to be with you more. It is concerning that he seems to never be happy but you probably don't see him in other than transition moments which can be super hard on kids in the first place so it is hard to know, like you said, if he is really having a hard time the whole time he is in that home. I am sad that they seem not to really want him but it is hard to know that for sure too.... IF the uncle has adhd, dont worry to much about his not looking at the baby. He may be avoiding you and doing all he can to hold it together himself. given the situation he likely has more than adhd going on himself.

Since you have no legal rights to this child, I personally,( but what the heck do I know!) would not do anything to jeopardize my ability to stay in his life. There may come a day when he really needs you and if you are up for it, you want to be in a position to help. I also think you supporting mom is really important. It is lovely that you are helping her like this. Many of us are raising kids who are not ours biologically, and they do have sadness over their birth parents. They NEED to be bonded to a primary person and of course all things being equal and not dangerous for them, that should be their parents. Do not do anything that jeopardizes his relationship with his mom. That trip may be too long a time away from her....but again, it could be a thing that turns it around for mom and allows her to get out on her own and make a nicer home for him.... so weigh it carefully.

You sound like amazing grandparents. I am sorry about your son. It is wonderful that your grandson will have some connection to that side of the family for many reasons... of course your unconditional love being the most important. No child can be loved too much right?

I imagine boundaries are so hard in this kind of situation and I would be much like you... very concerned and helping in any way I could. In the end anything can happen with custody.... we have members here who can share with you on that....lots of grandparents here have been raising , helping, adopting etc.. their grandchildren.

SO great you came here, I hope you continue to check in!

 

[Ktllc]

First of all: welcome to our corner of the web. A lot of wise people around will come and try to help.
I have experience dealing with a very difficult child: V, my 4 year old.
On the other hand, I have no experience about disrupted families.
My first thought would be: what is the mother willing to do?
Is she willing to seek professional help for her and her son? The option could be: family counseling (strongly advised in ANY circumstances when dealing with difficult issues), complete psychological assessment of you grandson, Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation, get his hearing and eyes checked.
That would be my first course of action, but it is A LOT of work to get all that done and the mother needs to be 100% on board.
Second thought: you believe your grandchild is in immediate danger and then you need to take action (CPS, lawyer). But I have no word of wisdom on that second thoughts since I never dealt with it.
Others will come and help you brainstorm.

 

[Aidensgrandma]

Well, he was kicked out of daycare for the day today, for biting and breaking the skin of a preschool teacher.
Therefore, since his mother had to go to work, he's here, with us. We've had no problems, in fact, he's been sleeping since 1:30......maybe with his mother on Spring break, he hasn't been getting enough sleep. It seems the last time we had this acting out, it happened when she was on a previous break......maybe it's due to lack of sleep?

 

[buddy]

Well, frustrated 3 year olds do bite. But the big picture is that he is sad, upset, and you seem to feel he is inappropriately reacting to his family perhaps due to maltreatment..... Are you are wondering about the fitness of the home he is living in? Do you feel he is safe? If you have any question, or if you are wondering if there should be an investigation you can call cps anonymously and give them the details of the situation, minus names, and ask IF this is a reportable issue.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well, he was kicked out of daycare for the day today, for biting and breaking the skin of a preschool teacher.
Therefore, since his mother had to go to work, he's here, with us. We've had no problems, in fact, he's been sleeping since 1:30......maybe with his mother on Spring break, he hasn't been getting enough sleep. It seems the last time we had this acting out, it happened when she was on a previous break......maybe it's due to lack of sleep?

Lets just say this: Sleep deprivation is a well-known form of extreme torture.
It is also well documented that lack of sufficient quality and quantity of sleep can bring on behavior problems even where there would otherwise be none, and definitely makes existing issues much worse.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm a grandma too...probably older than you...lol. But I still have two kids at home and we had some bad experiences with an older adopted child.

I am wondering if the older half-brother who is now out of the house sexually abused your grandson. It's kind of unusual for a kid to fight so hard NOT to go with mother and sexually abused kids don't talk about why. They are too afraid.

Sounds like a terrible environment. If this were me, I would call social services and ask them not to give out my name. The family may know it's you, but at least CPS won't confirm it. Maybe half he neighborhood knows they are pretty crazy and could be the one who called in. They will at least check in there, not sure there is much you can do besides that. But maybe it will give them a scare and make them shape up.

I really hope CPS steps up to the plate and I hope you can maybe eventually get custody of this sweet little boy. Nothing good is going on in his mamas house. Can you ask his mother to live with you? Maybe she'd be happy to do it and get away. That way you can get both of them out of there. I know that's a lot to ask of you though, but at least when she went on her school break partying, you'd have your grandson safe and sound with you.

Good luck to you and the little one and keep us posted.

 

[Aidensgrandma]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your replies.
Not to worry, I have spoken with the grandson's mom about every single one of these issues, except the things her mother has said to me. That would just be hurtful.
Aiden was here all day today, but only cause we wanted him, and mom said she had some stuff to do...so, I offered.
I did speak to her about a toddler needing 10 to 12 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep at night. In fact, I mentioned it in front of HER mother, her mother said.."well, I doubt that's going to happen"
I spoke quite frankly with Aidens mom, and asked her, if, when I bring Aiden home, if she takes him back out, and if her mother would watch him, if she decides to go out. She said, no, he goes everywhere with me, she doesn't want to watch him. I implored her to let him get sleep. But then again, her mother and her, do not have a good relationship as far as I can see. Her mother's attitude is, well she decided to have the child, he's hers to take care of and be responsible for. I feel, since she is attending college, and working, she can use a little help. And hopefully, when she graduates, they'll be a little more consistency, and stabilty there.
So...I take it day by day, and actually, this is out of my control, anyway.....
I can pray, and be available, but on the other hand, I have a husband with multiple health issues...Epilepsy, recent back surgery, high B.P. etc....so, my attention is somewhat divided.

I will not call C.P.S. My son did that a couple times, most likely out of spite, and they found no problems.

 

[Aidensgrandma]

The Half brother (babys Half Uncle, mom's half brother) is not out of the house, he is there 3 days a week, and at his fathers, down the street 4 days a week, and it rotates week to week. I am trying very hard NOT to drop off the grandson when the half Uncle, is there in the evening when the babys mother is not there to watch him. I think the other grandma doesn't keep an eye on him and lets him gallivant all over the ouse without supervision. I also have thought of a sexual abuse...I cannot have the mother and baby live here......

 

[SRL]

Hi Aidensgrandma--glad you found us.

in my opinion, all issues are on the table in this situation, but going about addressing that in such a way that doesn't potentially cut off your access to him is obviously touchy. If I were in your shoes I would try and urge babymomma to get a medical workup on him. If he's in public school the school would maybe have done an evaluation to place him in a special class, but the more professional eyes that see him right now, the better. Do you think she'd be open to a multidisciplinary evaluation--developmental pediatrician (or pediatric neuropsychologist), speech, Occupational Therapist (OT)?

 

[Aidensgrandma]

She supposedly Is taking hi to see his Pediatrician...and she'll she what he has to say....
I've had him here all day today...mommy has new job and started early today, and preschool is closed for the holiday.
He has been fine, no outbursts, picked up toys, helped clean up table after lunch, told ME he was ready for a nap...lol

We even went out and played in the snow, and built a snowman....yeah, this grandma stuff is okay...

He's napping now, and then I will call her to come get him......

 

[buddy]

Lucky boy to have such wonderful grandparents. he needs you. I have wonderful parents and STILL my grandparents were a huge part of my life. One set did care for me much of my early childhood years and even with many many grands I still was always a favorite because we bonded. She had a huge impact on my whole life due to that bond. I hope, no matter the actual issues in his primary home, that due to your being in his life he will never feel alone and will always know there is a safe and soft place to come and settle into.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Wish I had filed a bunch of this stuff years ago... all I have is vague recollections...

But there was a story about some research years ago, into why some people from tough backgrounds "made it" and others were homeless or in jail... Major overlap between the two groups in terms of background specifics... including serious abuse.

The difference? Those that made it had ONE person in their lives that really cared, who was there for them, helped them understand how the real world works, advocated where possible... often, it was a grandparent, or older aunt or uncle... sometimes, a neighbor, or a teacher... ONE person.

Don't underestimate the value of your involvement in his life.

 

[Aidensgrandma]

Well, he fell asleep at 1p.m and she called at 3 p.m. cause she wanted to take him to a movie that started at 4:30...so I woke him up...he was probably going to get up shortly, anyway...........she came, he wasn't too happy about it...didn't want to leave...tears...begging to stay...same as always..breaks my heart...

I do not think I have ever seen a child NOT happy to see their mother...my kids always ran to me...what's up with that?
Is it possible he never bonded with her? Or is that a bunch of hooHaw?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Is it possible he never bonded with her? Or is that a bunch of hooHaw?

Run a search on this site for "insecure attachment". There's been some recent threads on this, which might help.
Possible? definitely - more likely insecure attachment rather than not attached.

 

[buddy]

It is possible that there are some attachment things, or some anxiety things, or ... I used to own a daycare. Kids would cry when dropped off sometimes and some would only cry when picked up. Some cried both ways...the transition was the thing in those cases. The kids who cried when they left... they had great homes. I often was at their houses. But they just loved the place where it was all about them all day! (does sound like there is more to it in this case though) does he run to her in other situations or never??? Is it only the transition from day care or from you?? Might help you sort thru the issue.

 

[Ktllc]

What if you guys tried to make the transition a little smoother? Like The Mom stays at your house for 30minutes before leaving with grandson?
If you mention you suspect anything real bad (whatever that would be), she might not be ready to listen. But if you explain what transition issues are (which are afterall pretty common at age 3), she might be on board and try?
It would give you also a good opportunity to talk.

 

[Aidensgrandma]

I couldn't find any thread with the title insecure attachment....help.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I didn't have time to look for it when I first posted, but I found it now...
Its here:
http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...-reactive-attachment-disorder-spectrum-44461/

 

[Aidensgrandma]

Thank you Insane,
Very interesting read. Babymomma is suppose to meet with the director of the preschool today, we'll see what she has to say, and see if babymomma tells me anything altho' I'm not sure if she tells the truth sometimes..............