NEED ADVICE talked to difficult child's PO today!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rejectedmom, Jan 30, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    RM, keep in mind that even if they fear or hate the thought of jail, and they do not choose to go there...their addictions and impulsivity can lead them back there. ant knew dang well if he drank he would have to go back there. sometimes their mind and what they want overpowers the fear of the consequence. later they have regrets.

    does your son regret any of his actions?
    does he seem to be sick and tired of what his actions led him into?

    what are the plusses and minuses of having him in your home?
    weigh it out.

    you can always change your mind if things are not working out. you know your son. perhaps it is time to visit him in person before making that decision.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    [ QUOTE ]

    what are the plusses and minuses of having him in your home?
    weigh it out.

    you can always change your mind if things are not working out. you know your son.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Very good advice.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    In the end, you have to follow your head and your heart and be comfortable with your decision. None of us have the "correct" answers, or none of us would be here. My biggest suggestion, and I said it before, is that you and husband make this decision together.
    I know I always say my difficult child will never live home again, but faced with certain situations, you never know when your way of thinking may have to change and you may have to rethink decisions.

    Just protect yourself and your husband and do what feels right for the both of you. I'm glad I'm not in your shoes and hope I never will be. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it because my heart goes out to you as I'm sure this is tearing you apart.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Witz, I don't give much thought to my son's PO. For me she is a source of information and a factor only in that she has some control over my son's destiny. What you see as a set up by her I like to think of as a possible opportunity to help my son. You are right in saying that I would not have asked for advice if I was totally comfortable with bringing my son home. My discomfort lies in the unknown factor which is his readiness to accept help. He was thrown out of the program at the prison not because he wasn't working it but because he got into a fight with another inmate.

    I think sometimes we have to make sure every question is asked before we make a decision. so your questions are very valuable to me. We may not know the answer to all the questions but at least by having them asked we are aware of possible issues.

    Alan, I believe everyone deserves a second chance but sometimes that chance cannot come from the people closest to them. It is not an easy thing for a parent to come to that realization. I do not yet know if I am at that point. I do like the idea of a boarder but as I mentioned I do not know anyone that would be good for that role. Perhaps someone will come along in the future. We can pray for that.

    TM, Thank you

    Janet, I think my difficult child would react alot like your son if he was away in a city far from his family. He would be lonly and he would be befriending anyone and everyone.
    He has no descression when it comes to people never has. You are absolutely correct, nothing is set in stone. i can change my mind if it isn't working out.

    Briefly, The plusses of difficult child being home are that he would be monitored closely. He would not be wasting our money. He would have to meet our requirements or risk being put out. The minuses are that I would have to secure my possessions. I would have to give up more of my time and privacy. If he acts out I will once again be subjected to the scrutiny of my neighbors. I would be aware of most of his behaviors. I would have to keep my guard up I would ultimately be the one who would have to blow the whistle on him if he reverts. There are more but those are some of the biggies.

    Karen, I too am glad you are not in my shoes. They aint big enough for both of us :rofl: No really I would not wish this part of my life on my worst enemy let alone a friend like you. -RM
  5. OTE

    OTE Guest

    Although mine is just 17 I do feel like I'm from the been there done that on this subject. I have not yet had any success though. I can only warn you of my failures.

    When mine is home he goes back to his old ways. He sees positive thinking, good behavior as something forced on him in jail, placements, etc. So despite years of this, years of being told he's not coming home due to behavior, every time he gets home he goes back to what he wants to do. He has not developed any respect for me or any other adult. He has not changed his mind about using, he likes it and he's going to continue to do it. No rehab program will take him at this point until he decides he wants to stop using. Mine has never been home more than a couple of months before he's back in jail or hospital. He's never been clean when he comes home more than 2 weeks.

    So my question to you is.. if the last time he was not locked up was in Aug when he ran from a program, what has changed now? Is he coping better with the feelings that drive him to use? I know there's no way to really know these answers, they'll say anything they think you want to hear. But what does your gut say?

    Other thing I would look very seriously at before I'd even engage in debate with husband about it would be practicalities. Is there a 6 day a week rehab program in your town? I'm sure we can all agree that if the PO office is only paying for 2x a week rehab it's worthless. So if you can even find a suitable program are you willing to pay for it? How is he going to get there? Who is going to go to AA mtgs with him to be sure he doesn't run?

    Basically, are you prepared for 24/7 watching him? How are you going to keep him from contacting old druggie friends? I can tell you that once he's out of jail and until that next court hearing the PO is not going to get involved with his refusal to get out of bed to go to rehab, therapist, AA or whatever. They're not going to care if he's on the phone all day with druggie friends. Ask them how many times he can sneak out in the middle of the night till they're going to come get him and throw him back in jail.

    Have you found a therapist that he will accept who will take what the PO office will pay them? Does this person have a waiting list or an appointment the afternoon you take him out? How many times a week is he going to be in therapy vs how many hours a day are you hoping he's on your couch? Has he developed any new hobbies to keep him busy while he's on the couch or is he going to be declaring boredom leading him to running and drugs? Are you going to be able to go grocery shopping with him on the couch?

    I'd look at ALL the practicalities first. And that has always made it a no go for me.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    [ QUOTE ]

    Karen, I too am glad you are not in my shoes. They aint big enough for both of us :rofl: No really I would not wish this part of my life on my worst enemy let alone a friend like you. -RM

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I'm so glad to see you still have a sense of humor in the midst of all of this. Don't lose it!!
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish I had some advice but I definitely haven't been there done that. Just want to lend my support for whatever you decide. Hugs.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you Sharon. -RM
  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    I edited my post 2.49 pm 31 Jan.
    I prefer older difficult children not to be at home. Being at home does something to their brains.
    in my humble opinion I think we need to follow Fran's advice - expect the best and plan for the worst. To expect the best , you must have a vision , and a plan to go with it and of course have a back up plan when things go wrong.


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Are they kidding?
    The PO wants you to take him back, huh? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
    Did you ask them what you are supposed to do when and if he hurts you again?
    My answer would be a big fat NO to taking him home.
    I'm sorry, but the lunacy of the "system" makes my blood boil. :smile: /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
    Save yourself first. Your son is an adult. Remember, Natural Consequences.
    I wish you luck and am sending prayers!

  11. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I haven't weighed in on this issue yet because I wanted to give it a lot of thought, especially since I have not walked a mile in your shoes. I think my biggest concern about him returning to your home (besides your safety) is that if he messes up it might lead to a final break in your relationship. I think, giving his mental health issues and his other problems that it would be wise to put your efforts into finding him an appropriate setting that offers him the support and structure he needs even if that means he stays in jail until that setting is found. I have a feeling that bringing him home now would be akin to setting him up to fail, and the entire family would lose. {{{Hugs}}}
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    TM, I am looking into the links you sent me. Thanks -RM
  13. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    RM~ I know we have already talked about this but _

    I read the bottom of one of your post talking about a place in the boonies where difficult child could stay and work in a small community, etc.

    Canaan Land is that place

    They are in the middle of nowhere, grow their on food, build their on buildings, etc. In the midst of them doing everything for themselves they are taught life skills and the satisfaction of being self-sufficent. They are surrounded by others that have been there done that and are on the path of change. It is a FREE program.

    Not trying to drill you, I think I explained the program in the wrong way before.
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you HH, I only have 10 days till the hearing. husband and I are still discussing the options. I'll post when we have made a decision and/or have a place for difficult child. He sent me a couple of names and phone numbers he got from the prison councilor also.