Need an ear or two

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happymomof2, Sep 14, 2008.

  1. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while because things have been going super great with difficult child. Not sure how many of you remember but my son got arrested last Nov. Before and up until and even a little after he got arrested he had a very bad attitude, was in self contained, was making bad grades and the school was calling me at least twice a week if not more. Since Jan. he has had a great attitude, made much better grades, found some really cool nice friends to hang with and at the beginning of this year is finally out of self contained.

    Today was his first major anger blow up meltdown in a very long time and it was a doosey. I picked him up from a friends house where he had spent the night. His girlfriend and the guy's girlfriend were staying over there but I wanted him to come home. He was gone all last weekend on a youth trip and hadn't been home much this weekend. He wasn't real happy about leaving there but he was handling it o.k. He got home and got on the phone with his girlfriend and they started arguing and she hung up on him. He started using some very foul language and started out the front door saying he was walking to the guys house. It isn't that far away but I wouldn't want to walk it. I told him not to go out of the yard. He didn't but instead started breaking up sticks and rocks and throwing rocks into the neighbors yard across the street. Then started saying very smart remarks to me and his dad with a smirk on his face. I remained calm - how I did it I will never know but I knew if I started yelling it would just escalate. We got him back inside and started talking to him. He calmed down and went off with his dad for a while. He was doing good and later this evening got on the phone with his girlfriend again and she told him she wanted to break up. He lost it, told us to take him over there if we didn't he was leaving, he started counting down from 5. He walked out of my bedroom and tried to pass my husband but he put his hand to stop him and wrestled him to the ground because he started fighting. It got pretty ugly. My son ended up on the kitchen floor crying saying he hated us didn't want to be here anymore, didn't want to live anymore. He kept saying "I want to go home". I said where is that? Where's home he said heaven. I started crying at that point and I ask him what did he think that would do to me - he said "you can go with me".

    His girlfriend called back and I talked with her for a few she said she changed her mind and didn't want to break up. I told her not to do that because of the way he was reacting. I don't want her to feel controlled by him. He is not on medications yet but probably will be by the end of this week. I ask his girlfriend if she would please just wait until I got him on some medications and got him some help.

    O.K. hit me with your best shot - how wrong of me was that. I just couldn't bare to come home and find him hanging from a tree like a friend of mine did her son.

    He has an appointment this Thursday for counseling and medications.

    Please pray for us we need it.

  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am glad you have enjoyed most of this year. Sorry about the set back. That is scary! I think it is a good thing to ask the girlfriend to wait. Otherwise difficult child will learn to act that way to get anyone back. Tell difficult child that he needs to be better in control and focus on himself for awhile. Once he is healthier, he can contact girlfriend to see where they stand but only if he can handle a rejection.

    You keep yourselves safe. Thursday seems so far away. Will he see the girlfriend at school this week? Will that be a problem? You may want to contact the school to have staff aware of a possible confrontation between the two?

    Remember the ER route if you need it. Be prepared to act on his violence if need be. With a plan in place, it will also be easier to stay calm. But don't wait until Thursday to be safe if something is going to happen.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. this just breaks a mom's heart. So often our guys take breakups so hard. I think that getting him into the doctor for therapy and medications is very important.

    Remember, you can take him for an evaluation and even for acute admission at any time. Maybe if you call the local hospitals to find which one has a psychiatric ward it would help. You could make a plan so that next time he is feeling that way you know where to take him and you won't have to waste time taking him to a hospital with no psychiatric facilities.

    Saying prayers for all of you.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion that reaction sounds a lot worse than a child with just ADHD. Has he ever been completely evaluated, like an intensive evaluation? And has it happened since he was eight? That was a long time ago.
    I'm thinking that ADHD stimulants or Straterra may make him even worse. Suicidal ideation is more common in mood disorders than ADHD--and mood disorders can be mistaken for ADHD if the professional doesn't look beyond. I'm not saying he has a mood disorder, but he sure has red flags. He's going to have a lot of trouble with girlfriends in the future if he melts down that way. If I was her mom, and she talked to me, I'd be afraid and would probably advise her to break up with him. Do you think he only has ADHD?
  5. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies and I will check into local hospitals and find out where I can take him if something happens like this again.

    As far as him having more then or something other then ADHD that is a possibility. We are going this Thursday to the counselor at our local mental health office and I will talk to them and lay all the cards on the table.

    He is a wonderful kid with a huge heart. Like all kids there world is great until you tell them no they can't have something or do something. He does get angry when that happens and usually throws something down or hits his punching bag, then he calms down and it's over - maybe a 10 min. episode once every couple of weeks if that. He is 15 but reminds me of a 4 year old when he pitches a fit. I don't know that much about the different mood disorders. From what I have seen and heard people that are manic depressive and/or bipolar have a lot more episodes then my son does. Yesterdays episode was the first like that in many months. When he goes in to see the doctor I do think he needs to be tested further - I just want to be careful and not have him labeled, treated or medicated for a problem he doesn't have.

    I will also call the school this morning and let his guidance counselor know what's going on. Her and I are very close and she has worked extremely well with him and I.

    He got up this morning and went to school. In times past when we have had an episode like that after he calms down he is very apologetic and says he knows he should not have behaved that way.

    I have to go to work today and I don't even want to. It's a new job I started a few weeks ago so I can't really call in yet. I will of course if my kids need me. I am just exhausted from yesterday.

    Thanks again and I will update after the doctor appointment.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The thing is, he's NOT like all kids. Very few pitch fits at 14 if they can't do what they want. Tantrums aren't normal for a teen his age. I've raised five kids to at least age 12 (my youngest is 12). Only of them raged at that age and that was because she took illegal drugs and was high half the time. That's why I say your son is over-the-top for ADHD. I think he has some serious issues and ADHD medications may make him even more prone to raging. in my opinion you should have him completely evaluated. A therapist or counselor won't diagnose well--they don't run the right tests and they don't really have the credentials. I wouldn't want my teen on ADHD medications unless I was certain that he ONLY had ADHD. The fact that he has remorse can also mean he has a mood disroder that he can't control. Since mood disorders get worse without the proper treatment, I would look at it intensely. JMO
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Given how well he has been doing AND that there was a very emotional and painful event that was causing the anger - I do not think it is mental health related at all.

    I think this is a normal teenage (not all teens) reaction to the loss of a love. Who knows what grandiose ideas he had about this girl. How close were they? Were they intimate? Yes, reactions to the loss of a love can become mental health issues - sink into a depression. But, I do not think the reaction itself is abnormal.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Although teens do get emotional about breakups (I've lived through plenty with mine) and may even cry, taking it out on parents, throwing, breaking things and threatening suicide is definitely over-the-top. My ex-druggie pulled a knife on herself and went ballistic when a boy broke up with her--that was not normal. She didn't really mean to kill herself, but the drama and the implication and her hysteria was frightening. The other kids moped, cried, talked to me, cried some more and got over it. I don't believe that this is normal, except for a difficult child, and a difficult child has other stuff going on so they can't handle the regular pressures of life. They need help so that they can. Life isn't easy. They need to get help so that they can hold together during the bad times. Still think it's over-the-top for ADHD. Could be wrong.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    sorry i'm late to this but i read it and wanted to jump in and offer my ear.......and say i am sorry. teenagers can be so incredibly rough at times, i've got an almost 16 year old it gets hairy. new job and that yesterday, ugh. well maybe it'll be a good thing it'l keep your mind off of it.

    i wish you luck at dr. you will find out more what it is you are truly dealing with. it's very difficult i think at this age to discern a mental health issue and a teenager/anger issue......

    all the best to you :)