Need Bail Advice--Heroin Addicted Son with-bed date waiting

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by elizabethanne, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Hello All--I'm new to this site and finding it very helpful. I need help in sorting out options for supporting my 30 year old son. I am a single woman with a stable state job, but no real assets or monetary cushion. My son has battled alcohol for years which was heartbreaking enough. He unfortunately made the switch to smoking heroin a few years ago. He was also recently diagnosed with a combination of cognitive/borderline IQ issues and started drawing Social Security Supplemental income. He has never had a license, held down a job for long or learned to live independently. He has a good heart, is a tremendous athlete, but has never experienced stability as an adult in any real way. Has a 4 year old that that he no longer sees. Beautiful little boy--breaks my heart. Anyway, he is in the county jail, day 13, for 5 different charges ranging from malicious mischief to possession of heroin. His total bail charges are $12,500. The dilemma is that he has a bed date to start drug treatment today, and will lose that bed if he doesn't get that by 3 today. His chemical dependency case manager and state appointed attorney went before a judge on Friday hoping that he'd be granted furlough into treatment. That didn't happen and the judge opted to have him serve some time and put his court date out to May 19th. Since treatment is not court ordered, the only option to get him to his treatment today is for me to post his bail. I could use his Social Security check for most of that, but I'm very nervous about him missing court dates down the road, and being potentially responsible to pay back the $12,000. It's been an exhausting 13 days. Hi druggie girlfriend nearly managed to bail him out on the 29th before she entered her own treatment, but I refused to meet her to give her his SS check. A few offered the money, if I signed. Those friends of his, after getting to know me on the phone and see how I'm trying hard to support from a distance, are encouraging me not to post bail and to let him stay in jail until he can be released to treatment with by a court order. It seems a shame to me that he is losing this bed date, especially when he has completed the horrendous detox part in jail. Is the right thing to do to let him face the music and wait for another bed date? So concerned someone else will bail him out and he'll be on the streets again and miss this chance at treatment, today! I know this probably won't happen day unless I get a miracle call. Should I make this treatment happen somehow to maybe save his life? Any suggestions much appreciated. Bless you all.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I think my first question would be does he really want treatment? Not to just get out of jail, but does he really want to stop using? If the answer is no then don't bail him out. I'd you really think the answer is yes then I would consider helping him. But do not put yourself or your finances at risk because there is absolutely no guarantee at all that the treatment will work.
  3. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Hello @elizabethanne. I'm so sorry you have to face such a difficult parenting journey. Many here have also gone through very difficult parenting situations and have had to make some very difficult choices.

    I'm going to offer you my own opinion which may or may not be useful to you at this point. Others may disagree with me and I do not take any offense to that. Take from here whatever seems useful to you, and leave the rest.

    It's obvious that you are a good hearted mom and that you truly want the best for your son. I know it's very hard but your son is an adult and may need to face the consequences of his own choices before he is able to see that to improve his life he needs to make different choices. It seems that even his some of his friends are encouraging you not to post bail so that he gets a dose of the reality that he has created for himself.

    Getting a court order to be released for treatment would put the authority of the legal system behind getting treatment. He may be more likely to complete treatment under those circumstances.

    You deserve to live your life and not have your son's situation be the focus of your every waking moment. He has his life to lead and you have yours. It's time to choose to make taking care of yourself the priority in your life. Are you in counseling? Are you involved in Al-Anon? If not then look into it. More support can be very helpful.

    Just be aware that you are not responsible for the situation that your son has put himself into. He's an adult and is on his own journey.
  4. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Hi Bunny (is that an ok nickname?) What a pleasant surprise to come home after another long day to find such wonderful replies of support. Your feedback is very, very helpful to me. First let me start off by saying that he is in jail and will not be going to treatment. He lost the bed but I even think he is ok with that. He does try to pull the "if I had a son, I wouldn't let him rot in jail" thing, but I'm over feeling guilty because I have spent the last 2 weeks completely invested in supporting him...communicating with the case manager, attorney, behavioral health team and medical personnel at the jail. I even wrote letters to 6 Superior Court Judges (advocating partly because of his disability issues) to see if there was a way from one of them to authorize a furlough into treatment. For the most part, I support my son from a distance all along. He hasn't lived with me for more than 10 years, and rarely even stays the night. My home didn't use to be a peaceful place, but I insist on it now. No drug drama allowed in my home. I couldn't t go back to all that chaos again. Until his bed date and latest charges came up, I didn't get caught up in his day to day drug lifestyle. We stay in touch with each other but nothing excessive and I don't feel any daily obligation to know where he is or what he's doing. I know full well what he's doing. He doesn't borrow money, would never think of asking to drive my car and he doesn't steal from me. I am not afraid of him and he can be so sweet and generous. But he doesn't come around much and that makes me sad. He thinks he's a burden and a mistake and had has tremendous remorse that he doesn't know how to cope with. I do cry sometimes and occasionally have a bigger meltdowns, but I don't let it consume me. He doesn't see my tears very often and I have supported him from a distance for a very long time. I try to be a strong and solid Mom, but I feel so anxious and scared under the surface all the time. I am involved with activities that I enjoy and take time to care other relationships that matter to me too. distance for a very long time. One part of me is heartbroken and sad for path he's chosen. Another part of me is fully able to go forward with my life with little pockets of joy and enthusiasm here and there. I love and care about my son but I also enjoy work, family and friends (I noticed the order of what I enjoy. Yes, my work is a very big escape for me. It's a good thing it's such a good fit for me!). What you helped me to realize is that I need counseling, and NA. Those are my next steps. I do have a weekly Bible discussion group at my house and my spiritual faith has been a great comfort to me, I/we pray for him often. So glad I found this site! From my heart, thank you runawaybunny. ; )
    Lasted edited by : Apr 17, 2015
  5. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    That is the million dollar question toughlovin... does he want treatment? I thought he did on Easter when I visited him. Right now, I think he is focused on getting out of jail. From that standpoint, I am glad he is there. At least he is alive while he waits to see what his options are. I just talked to him. His sole mission seems to be to get bailed out. Very glad I didn't do it now.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It is ironic when we get to the point we are glad they are in jail because at least we know they are alive, have a place to sleep and are relatively safe. My son has also been in jail and at the time it was a weird kind of relief. Sometimes the best thing for them is robe involved with the court system as strange as that is,
  7. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Yes TL, it is amazing to me how many parents have felt that very same relief. It is true that sometimes it is enough to know that all your children are alive. Especially when I know that many parent's aren't able to cling to that comfort. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with the loss of a child. I am keenly aware that there are things I must remember to say to my son, and not miss the opportunity. I love you so much, being the most obvious.
  8. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    I don't think I'm replying to everyone's posts correctly! What's the right way to do this? I'm going to make a mess of your board here!
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    It is always a bad sign when you care more about his future and put more work into his life than he does. When my daughter went back to jail, SHE sought out rehabs through the women that came in to preach. SHE wrote letters to the rehabs looking for a bed. That is one way I knew she was ready. She has been in treatment for over 90 days now and doing very well. Jail is the best thing that could have happened for my daughter. :)

    Sending prayers for your son to have clarity in his situation and want change...
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    They say a whole lot of things when they are in jail and want to get out. I would ignore virtually all of what is said by him right now.

    He is desperate. Someone on this board once said: Jail is the best rehab there is.

    There is a lot of truth to that, from my experience. I would have never thought I would believe that for a single minute, but I do today.

    My son has been in jail multiple times. He is none the worse for wear for it today, from his behavior and actions.

    Today he is working to regain his life. It's not always pretty or perfect, but he appears to be trying. I am cautiously optimistic.

    He has had to do virtually every single thing HIS WAY. Which has meant the ugly, hard, stupid, painful way.

    That seems to be his journey.

    I would let him sit right there for as long as the system says he needs to sit there. Keep your boundaries. Take care of you.

    Things have a way of slowly sorting themselves out, without us, if we will let them.

    Hang in there. We are here for you. We get it.
  11. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Thank you P-Girl. Caring more than he does about his future. You are right--classic codependence. A red flag for sure. Where someone is under functioning, someone is over functioning. I did go there--even though I know better. He did seek out the treatment and arranged the bed date himself. Then Mom jumped onboard. Wow, did the light ever just come on. I started advocating and he stopped self-advocating. That is eye-opening. Thank you for your wise words. It helps me to see things from a completely different angle.
  12. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Child of mine-sounds like your son is moving forward, even if it isn't exactly in a straight line. When you say, "That seems to be his journey", I realize it probably took you a long time to get to that place. Sorting things out, without us, if we let them. That's also powerful.
    I recently heard someone say, "A wise many once said nothing".

    After reading your post, I almost want to think, a wise man (woman) once DID nothing. I would like to learn to do this. That is, let go without numbing out and avoiding, which is what I feel I do a lot of. I either numb out and act like it's not happening or I jump in with both feet and advocate like he's 16 again!
    I'd like to learn to live somewhere in the middle of two extremes. I suspect that's where counseling or NA might help me.
    Thank you c o' mine. ; )
  13. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi Elizabeth. I think you made the right decision. Let him detox in jail. I believe they even have a medical watch for that. My son did. Let him have time to think and reevaluate his choices and consequences while he's there. Hopefully when he does get out he will want to get help and truly change and hopefully the right door will be open. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself. He's a grown man who needs to be accountable. I'm sorry for all you're going through but there is hope, don't give up!
  14. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Love my Son.... and to each one of you who have prayed and/or offered me support. It was absolutely the right decision not to bail my son out and I think he knows it too--although he is still trying to get me or others to bail him out so that he continue his recovery on the outside. I told him that he needs to have a solid plan in place and that the housing piece could not happen in my home. That would just not work, especially not with recovery from heroin. He needs a solid, professional recovery plan that is supported by the courts. I will not agree to being a part of his recovery in any kind of up close and personal way outside of those jail walls, unless he has a step-by-step plan. I know he'd like to think that bailing him out and staying with me (or a buddy's house where they "just smoke pot") will work, but it's just too risky. After 2 weeks of solid support in the form of visiting him at jail, writing letters to judges, ongoing communication with his attorney & his chemical dependency case manager and taking calls continuously from my son (as I was able around my work schedule) combined with the disappointment of him not being released to make his bed date on the 7th), I came home from work on Friday and just crawled in bed and buried my head under the covers. I was done! To let you know how exhausted I was, this all happened just a week after I'd made a road trip from Seattle to Los Angeles to support my daughter and "love of my life" 13 year old granddaughter for a surgical procedure she had at UCLA for a neurological condition that was recently diagnosed (my granddaughter). I also stopped on the way back home to see my 90 year old mother near Yosemite, since her health is failing and I may not get another chance to see her again. A 2,200 mile drive all by itself is exhausting. I had just gotten settled back in at work, and had to face all of these last 17 days immediately after. Friday night, I just hit a wall!

    I am happy to report that I got up on yesterday morning and said, "enough of this crazy-making chaos, I'm going to get back on track and take care of ME!". I turned my phone off, slept in, started exercising again (after 17 days of no activity and a 5 lb weight gain and an increase in my blood pressure), loaded up with lots of veggies and fruits, went to church, lounged in bed and read every uplifting and life-affirming thing I could get my hands one, and then cleaned my living space from top to bottom!

    Here's the best part: This morning, just before visiting hours at the jail, I went and withdrew $40 from HIS account, put it on the books for any little needs he might have, and opted not to visit him, and chose to write him a note instead. In the note, I told him that I love him and that I fully support the treatment plan he is working on, but I was not willing to continue the visits and constant calling to pressure and guilt me into bailing him out. I told him that this was not productive for either of us and that I had made a decision to manage my anxiety and my health by getting back to caring for myself and taking care of my responsibilities at home and work. I suggested he do the same for himself.

    The BEST, best part is when I took the advice of a kind new friend on this message board. I told him that this was HIS JOURNEY, and that he alone is responsible for it. A tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders after I wrote those words.

    Repeated the Serenity Prayer outloud all day, wherever I was, over and over. I have that verse plastered all over my house but today, stepped up to the challenge and decided to walk the talk, and put those words into practice. :group-hug:.

    A day at a time. Today is a better day. Thank you all!
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  15. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Well done!!!! You are doing exactly what you need to do. So proud of you. May your son have the true desire to change his life for good!
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Awesome post!!!! Love it!!
  17. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    The wise advice I've received and read about on this site helped me to make some of the more difficult decisions. Still need to get some live support at NA or other outlet. It's just hard to find extra time that takes me away from home even more than I already am. The older I get, the more I just want to got straight home after work!
  18. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Good for you! I only have control over one person and that is me. This is a very difficult journey. We have to take one minute, hour, day at a time. Good job my friend. Hugs
  19. elizabethanne

    elizabethanne Member

    Yes Okie Girl, the journey is difficult at times. It's a beautiful thing when the path is gets a little less rocky, and we're not worried about every little step! I admire your courage. Sounds like you're still facing some very heavy challenges in your life. I sometimes compare our most painful life experiences to the labor pains of childbirth. When the pain gets so intense that I am not sure I can get through it, I try to remember that my moments of intense pain will always be followed by moments of rest, reprieve....and sweet relief! I try to remember that the pain WILL lift and I must remember to BREATHE in those moments and allow myself to be comforted by the smile of a kind friend, to allow myself to feel the love being offered to me when someone hugs me or grabs my hand and tells me it's not my fault.
    If we could just remind ourselves, that we are "friends on the hard road". It makes all the difference sometimes.
    Hugs to you too Okie Girl!:notalone:
  20. Free From CD

    Free From CD New Member