need child support advice

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Aug 23, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hey, guys. You are the all knowing, and I need some guidance.

    husband's ex just asked him to pay half of cgfg's expenses to go out for softball.

    If she was halfway reasonable, he would. However...he has already bought cgfg a glove this year. In addition, she needs a particular brand of shirt, socks, and cleats. She wears Walmart shoes, anyway, so we're not even talking expensive cleats.

    The problem is, if he says yes, she will nickel and dime him to death, which is why his child support is set up like it is. He pays more than his half (and she knows he does), but the only additional expense he's required to pay is emergency medical care.

    Cgfg wanted to participate in mounted shooting, so I bought her the horse and a saddle and sewed a dress. Entry fees alone in the competitions are $45 minimum. We didn't ask her to contribute to that.

    And besides that, we already know that it isn't his ex that buys cgfg anything anyway...grandma buys it all (and willingly tells us so). School supplies, clothes, medicine...

    So...knowing saying no will probably result in WWIII, does husband just shut up and pay her (which will be the beginning of a never ending cycle of "you have to pay half") or does he tell her he's already bought the glove, and we have a bat and helmet she can use, and the rest is what child support is for (and we're talking $60 bucks here...we're not talking hundreds), or do we tel her we bought the horse for her to do mounted shooting and didn't ask for anything....or what? Any thoughts or suggestions?
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's hard to say, really. From what you describe, H has already contributed enough. In my own experience, there were a lot of extras throughout the years that I covered without asking my exh for a dime - because I knew I'd never see it. I was not conniving or devious and I worked my tail off to make sure my kids never went without...but, that said, it sounds like H's ex is selfish and uses the child support for her own needs before the kiddos - there really is no way of telling. I used to just pool whatever paltry amount exh decided to throw my way in with my own money and my feeling was that it all came out in the wash. That said, I did ask exh to contribute for the bigger ticket items, such as the Washington trip in 8th grade or their first car, or prom expenses and eventually I asked him to cover easy child's sophomore year at college since I covered her freshman year. Given the fact that he never EVER religiously paid child support, I didn't feel bad asking.

    I think that your H should decide and go with his heart. I understand you hate to set a precedent by giving exw the money for this because then she will ask always...but if exw will demonize him over this measly $60 to his daughter, it might be in his best interest to just fork it over. on the other hand, he has to draw the line somewhere and given the fact that you've provided her with a horse & dress for shooting, he could always remind cgfg of that little expense (not!). I would not go through the bother of explaining about the expense of the horse and dress. Good luck~
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'd go on middle ground and suggest he tell her that due to the other costs he's already put forth toward this, without expecting that she would need more, he has already spent his extra money but he can contribute another $10-20 toward it if that helps. My thought is that it does establish a boundary, lets her know she should have and could have told him up front before he spent money on other things, but he's still willing to do what he can for his child.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ask her for copies of the receipts. If grandma's buying this stuff, she won't have them.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Thanks, H&R. That's what he just did.

    Now, if it was a car, or a prom dress, or a truly exceptional expense, etc....that would be different. But really? A shirt, some socks, and some cleats? Really??? My best friend's daughter played high school softball and her equipment cost her about $50 a year. AND she offered to give it to cgfg since she's out of school.

    We already bought her a glove. I paid for and transported her to and from tutoring and counseling and didn't ask for money. I bought the horse, etc, and didn't ask mom for a dime... husband pays child support religiously, and actually agreed to a higher amount to avoid the nickel and diming. He gives her more than his share, but the only "extra" expense she can stick hm with is emergency medical care not covered by insurance, or medical costs that they agree to in advance of being incurred.

    Religious upbringing and extra curricular activities were the only things she's not required, per the decree, to share decision-making with him. And they agreed that since she has physical custody, that she would make those calls, since they will affect her more often and he was indifferent about what she played, etc. And at the time, mom had her in soccer.

    Klmno and Witz - you slipped in on me! You are exactly right! She won't have receipts. But that doesn't stop her from asking. She will still whine and cry about how much money cgfg's allergies cost her (and cgfg doesn't use anything but an OTC allergy medication that grandma buys (when we needed her insurance card, we had to get it from grandma cause grandma keeps it cause grandma's the only one that takes her to the doctor - straight out of mom's mouth), and mom has NEVER taken a day off work to stay home with her sick child....)
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2010
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh and she just answered. She said "whatever. if you read the child support papers, it says you have to pay half for sports."

    I am reading the papers. It says no such thing. (she's done that before, too...I highly doubt she even has a copy of the papers)

    And I suggested if he were to pay for those things, that we go buy them and make her reimburse us. That way we know its not grandma paying for it and her pocketing our portion.

    Oh, and she doesn't want to get the stuff from the other girl....
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Since he's already paying support, and putting in extra as well, I would refuse, and let the war begin. Useless Boy paid only after I had his wages attached, and then after his father died, his mother began paying it, and because I had to fight for every flippin' dime, I held his feet to the fire for exactly what the divorce paperwork said. When he was cooperative, I was cooperative. When he wasn't...I sent him bills for half of every huge expense, like the stop sign Miss KT knocked down when she had only her permit. That stupid sign cost over $600...but I dutifully paid my half. I also filed in small claims court for money he owed me, but he paid up before the court date.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Haven't heard anything more from her about it. but husband has not engaged her, either.

    They had never been married when they split up, so she filed with child support enforcement for support - and they will create and enforce a child support order, but they do not address any sort of visitation. In fact, the majority of their cases are dad's that dont have anything to do with the kids. husband, in turn, filed with the court to establish support and visitation. CSE bows to the court, so they turned the case over to the court, but not before sending his ex a calculated estimated support amount of $500.

    The court came up with a support amount of $350, because they considered the fact that husband would have cgfg 35-40% of the time and would incur costs to do so. husband split the difference with her, and pays $425 instead of what the court would have ordered, but in exchange, he's not responsible for any additional costs except the emergency medical.

    I fully expect her to retaliate in some fashion. She'll not allow cgfg to stay late or come early or something. I wouldnt put it past her to create a stink if husband attempts to go to one of her ballgames, since he's "refusing to fund it". And yeah, she is that petty.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would say, "Sure, I will pay half for this sport if you pay half for the one I paid for. That will be $300 minus $60 - you owe me $240." And be done with it.
  10. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I never figured out why some people are so unhappy when they are getting their fair share, or more! She's the one with the issues here, I'd just have a good talk with husband and vent out everything bubbling under the surface that has "accumulated" in regards to his ex. Then at the end of that relief filled vent session, I'd jointly make a commitment to never give her a moments thought on her pettiness again.
    Predicting that she'll be a bonehead about attending games or messing around in some other way to get back, when something does come up, I'd give it a short thought of "well, we know something was coming, glad she got it over with and out of the way", and again, nary another thought to be had.
    My ex is wonderful in terms of spending time with easy child. And encouraging her in hockey all these years and whatnot. She has a great relationship with him and that is wonderful and is what I wanted for her. On the other hand, he could drive the patience of a saint if I hadn't had a mini breakthrough about his personality (anal retentive, so black and white that he budges on NOTHING, very strange ideas of what "give and take" means, very linear to a point it does affect alot of parenting decisions of mine to have avoided problems all these years - at times incredibly unfair choices I've made to avoid a problem).
    I just go with the flo. (i'm sooo zen about it now hahahaha) I just know he is who he is and operates on a different system that I do. I get annoyed. Really annoyed. But I don't let it thrive in me anymore at all. Something happens, annoyance jabs at me, I say "No surprise" and keep going and try to not think of it again. It is working for me.
    I think you guys just have to handle her petty stuff how feels right at the moment. And sometimes it means just doing what she's asked regardless, sometimes it will mean saying no. And sometimes it will be doing it to just keep the peace. Regardless, I suggest just doing what feels right in a situation and whatever the fallout, don't let it grow legs.
    She sounds like a PIA for sure. I'm glad your husband found you :)
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    In my frame of mind with cgfg and husband and "those other issues", its no skin off my back if she restricts cgfg from attending somewhere with us or something... It will be too bad she'll hurt her daughter over it, but that's how she is and cgfg knows it. I'm sure his ex has already told cgfg we are horrible parents because he won't pay for her gear.

    If she mentions it, we'll just remind her that no one else helped buy a horse. Otherwise, c'est la vie.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree with the... I'll help pay for this is you pay for the other.

    Mostly because BM would sign the kids up for multiple sports per season without asking husband and then DEMAND the FULL amount. And whatever you do, don't give HER money. Pay the athletic association or whatever. And GET a RECEIPT.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, we learned that lesson. We either pay the provider/supplier directly, or we'd pay the full amount and she pays US back. Otherwise, she just pockets our half, and grandma pays for her portion and she makes money on the deal.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, and you know what? I just remembered this.

    Cgfg wanted to pay softball last summer in the rec league. We signed her up, and told the coach she may only be able to play when she was with us, but since it was just a rec league, that was ok. I can't recall if the fee was $40 or $60, but I wrote that check, too, and didn't ask mom to contribute.

    She ended up not playing, but I didn't get my money back, so that's sort of a moot point.

    And really...she needs cleats, socks, compression shorts, and an undershirt - all of which are available at walmart, where grandma buys most everything else the girl wears. How much can that really cost? And we've already bought the ball glove, which is most likely close to the same amount as the rest of what she needs, anyway.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you are handling it well. I don't have much to offer because I have never had to deal with child support on a firsthand basis. The closest I've come is an uncle who's ex made his daughter ask him for everything she needed, even clothes and feminine supplies. He then paid full child support to his ex for 22 months after my cousin moved in with him full time. It kept his ex from trying to hurt his daughter.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We are good friends with husband's ex'es first ex-husband, and they have a daughter together. That daughter is now 22, but she moved in with her father when she was 11, but mom raised he!! if he mentioned changing the custody agreement. Dad continued to pay mom child support until the daughter was almost 19. Mom paid for the daughter's car insurance and cell phone, and paid for half of her class ring, while collecting child support on a kid she didn't even have (she also claimed this child when the court figured husband's child support amount - and the girl didn't live there then, either). When dad filed with the court to stop paying support when the girl was 18, mom threw an absolute fit and shut off the daughter's cell phone and dropped her from her car insurance. The girl is in her 3rd year of college and still lives with dad. Dad, alone, bought her 2 cars (cheap teenager cars) before she bought the latest one herself, as well as all expenses of raising her. Mom pays nothing.

    Oh, and dad threatened daughter that she either had to get a job when she graduated from high school or move back to her mom's. Daughter has worked at walmart ever since.

    And that's husband's ex in a nutshell.
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2010