Need ex advice quickly.

[Shari]

husband's ex - well, we've discussed her before. Her daughter, easy child 2, is a pawn. Nothing more.

We are leaving to go on vacation Friday. We go with a group of 26 other families. This year, it happened to fall on a week that easy child 2 was not with us, so as soon as we found out the date, back in February, we emailed her mom and asked to make arrangements so she could go.

First email went out on Feb 3. Mom never replied, so we emailed again a week later. Mom said it was ok and she'd get back to us later on if she wanted to trade the week before or after.

Never heard from her again. Figured, honestly, that she forgot. So on the phone one night, I reminded. Again, heard nothing. So I emailed her.

My email said "just want to remind you we leave fri for vac. Be back aug 3rd. Since we never heard anything more, figured you'd just keep her the next week and we'd resume school schedule when it starts aug 11."

Her reply was "you never told me about this, but its fine. easy child needs to get her school schedule on July 30 or 31. If you're too busy, I'll come by and get her to go do it."

Apparently, she missed the "we're leaving" part. So I just said we'd take care of the sched. (We'll just pick it up early.)

Today she emails back and asks if we're bringing her back on the 1st or the 3rd. She's fixing to say easy child can't go, and I'll put money on it...

I have her emails from Feb that said it was fine, she'd let us know later. But if I send them to her, its gonna TICK HER OFF.

At this point, its lose/lose with her, tho. She's already ticked either way. I can send her the emails so easy child gets to go on vacation, like her mom already agreed to, but that means she probably wont' get to do soccer and tutoring this fall (her mom won't take her and we've signed her up - lawyer's advice). Or we can try to keep the peace, even tho mom already agreed, NOT take easy child on vacation (which will break her heart - only vacation she gets - mom goes, but doesn't take her) and hope she'll get to do tutoring and soccer.

She'll be 12 in the spring and we plan to get a mediator and either get more time with her or custody so she can be involved in things like tutoring and soccer without this hassle. We think we have an easy case, and she'll be old enough to have a say.

Any input???

 

[nvts]

Wow! It's really ridiculous that she's being this difficult. I'd talk to the attorney, tell him about the email responses and ask his advise. Personally, she sounds like she's a spoiled brat (although I don't know what the divorce was about, so maybe she's still licking her wounds) but now matter what, you don't jerk the child around in the meantime.

Me? I'd send her the email with a sweet note "reminding her" about the trip. If there's a way to get her school schedule and email that with the note, it'd be one less excuse that she can come up with. I wouldn't get into a debate about soccer, a tutor, or dancing boys on the front lawn until she starts making a fuss. Your husband doesn't owe her an explanation if he's trying to improve her life without snagging extra custody time.

Does she feel that you guys are making her look bad by taking her on vacation, buying stuff, etc? Is she broke?

Sorry you're going through this kind of ****!

Beth

 

[flutterbee]

Since it's already lose/lose, I'd send the emails to remind her. I would just put a non-threatening comment in there that you are sending this to remind her, blah, blah, blah.

Really, at this point what have you got to lose?

 

[Shari]

No, beth, she is a spoiled brat. She has one friend and that friend will tell you she's a silver spooned, selfish witch.

I knew she forgot, I tried to remind gently, but how much more gentle can you get, and now she's accusing me of not telling her and I'll bet money she's gonna say easy child can't go.

I truly dont think she cares for her kids. Her older one hasn't lived with her for years and she just now allowed her ex to stop paying support her. She even claims that kid for tax deductions, tho she hasn't paid a dime for that kid in years.

 

[nvts]

Why not drop the dime on her to the IRS? lol! Then screw her, go ahead and send her the email, tell her what time you're picking up easy child and then ignore any emails she sends you to rescind the ok.

Then: show up at the specified time to get easy child and let HER tell you in front of easy child that she can't go.

What a witch!

She could use a kick in the pants!

Beth

 

[Shari]

I'm forwarding the messages to her. The first one she ignored and the second one, which references the first, that she replied to and said it was fine, she'd get back to me later on whether she wanted her "make up" week before or after our trip.

The only thing I added to the forwards was "I rarely clean out my email."

If she subsequently says no, easy child can't play soccer or go to a tutor, I don't think there are many judges that would say THAT is acceptable for an 11 year old overweight, delayed child...

 

[Fran]

Might be good to let husband do the negotiating. It's awful to see the little easy child may miss a vacation. : (

 

[Shari]

Fran, YOU AND ME BOTH.

However, anytime that has been attempted, ex blows her top and starts screaming, husband ignores it, which ticks ex off more, and then, inevitably, she drags easy child into it saying if husband won't do this or that, he won't get to see easy child. She's kept her from him for up to 9 months at a time (it takes that long to get thru the court system to resolve it...). Unfortunately for me, I have some sort of rapport with this woman and can talk to her. Discovered this at one of the court sessions - the lawyers and mediators could not talk to her, and for some unknown reason, I tried. We talked for 2 hours. I was able to get her to agree to the visitation schedule that time. I've tried to make husband talk to her since then, but its still the same thing, even years later. I dont particularly like her, but I can talk to her. I don't know why. So for the sake of peace for easy child (and easy child only), I do the talking.

If I had my way, I'd lock her and husband in a room and take easy child to the carribean while they figure out how to communicate. But the devil will ice skate first, I do beleive.

 

[Fran]

You are wise to keep communication open. Hope bio lets you take easy child on vacation.

 

[witzend]

What would happen if you called her to firm up the arrangements? She may find it less easy to be nasty to you in person than it is to be nasty in an e-mail.

Since she said "yes", I would find a breezy way to remind her. "We'll be picking up easy child at 8:00 on Friday, can you be sure that she packs her swimsuit for the trip? - What's that, you forgot? I was just sorting my e-mail folders and I can see it's been a while since we talked about this. I suppose I should have reminded you more recently. I'm glad that we are able to work things like this out, not all blended families do."

 

[Star*]

Shari,

In a loose loose situation - I think I would take a demure approach.

I would email back and say -

OMG life is so crazy - I'm sure you know how that is. Listen I didn't want to upset anyone here and I thought maybe I had really forgot to tell you about this trip. We really want easy child to be able to go with us - with your blessing. So I took a chance that maybe I had saved the email about our conversation - and I've enclosed a copy just so you can see I'm not trying to get one over on you. We really want to have easy child with us it's going to be a lot of fun!

Also - while I'm thinking about it - how about Soccer in the Fall? Let's set that up now so neither of us forgets it.

Waiting to hear from you -
THanks again for all your help and understanding (barf barf barf)

Huh? Well???

It beats you witch.


Shari

 

[Shari]

Actually, my initial email did read a lot like that. Very nice-ity. Said "I know how crazy my life is, so just wanted to make sure you remembered, blah blah blah (I like the barf barf barf)."

You see where it got me. Her response to "we're leaving on Friday, back the 3rd." was "get her schedule on the 30 or 31st, and if you're too busy, I'll come get her to do it". Um...we're LEAVING. As in not gonna be here. As in gone. On vacation. Not at home, etc.

Then the next email from her says "are you bringing her back the 1st or the 3rd?" Seriously. What is she on? Is it that unclear?

As for soccer and tutoring...she agreed at the end of last school year to allow easy child to do a sport. We were afraid she'd renig on this, too, so we asked the lawyer. He said sign her up. Ditto for tutoring. Take her when we have her, let mom do what mom will do. The hope is mom will have to rise to the occassion (she can't be "one upped" by us), and will take her. If not, we have an easily valid argument to change visitation or custody again.

 

[Star*]

After thought -

Have husband send her a new straw broom. (you can get these at the hardware for under 10.00)

Write down the side in black Sharpie Marker -

Saw this - thought of you - Enjoy your new ride!
Corner now Star.......I know, I know.

 

[Shari]

OMG Star, that is way too funny. I should have someone drop it off next week while we're gone...

I probably should have picked up the phone and called. Or even better yet, gone over there. She has a harder time being an to me in person (don't understand that, she has no problem with anyone else - heck, she called easy child stupid in front of MY MOM last week...). But with all of difficult child's fiasco's, I just couldn't take her in person.

On a side note, those of us who knew my husband when he was with this woman never could understand how he tolerated her. I mean, she would lay into him in the middle of a restaraunt, screaming and never think twice. The group of friends consulted each other before inviting them on outings because of her behavior. It was really, really bad.

But now that I am privy to the workings of husband's family, well, I understand now how he put up with her. She is his mother all over again. He learned to tune out his mom early on. Gues what he does with the ex...? "splains a lot.

 

[susiestar]

No advice on how to deal with this. Until my bro got divorced we had 1 divorce in the family including extendeds. So I am no help.

I do think easy child 2 is very lucky to have you for a stepmom!!!!

 

[Shari]

Well, my last reply/forward to her was 5:30 pm yesterday. I know darn good and well she got it, cause they have her step kids, which means they don't leave the house, and she doesn't leave the computer...(they only do stuff when they don't have ay kids). I have heard nothing back from her. I suppose I will probably still have to call her before we leave tomorrow. I give up. Its not very often I do something right (like tell her WAY early, and then remind her on top of that - not once, but TWICE). But even when I do, it seems it ends up wrong! Ugh.