Need expert warrior parent opinions on possible diagnosis, odd situation

[Farmwife]

I know this is pretty much not in the right place but you guys have such a great knowledge base and are probably the only ones who can help.

The deal is that I have an extended family member who has serious issues. These started in adolesence, however they have now progressed into full blown adult problems. The person is 25, in deep denial and sheltered by a thick web of enabling. This person will also very likely technically become my problem in the next few decades when the chief enabler is no longer capable of care.

A *potential* diagnosis to discuss with chief enabler may be a huge help to not just myself but this obviously ill person.

Original presentation: Teen boy, broken family, child of an alcoholic father who was deep into conspiracy theories and rationalizing so learned bad behavior early on.

Developed an ulcer due to social anxiety and was victim of a lot of teasing in middle school. Very bright young man who expresses himself well in writing, did well in school except for math. One good friend at the time and socially withdrawn with everyone else. Was home schooled due to refusal to go to school due to social pressures.

Fast forward to now: Never got a first job. Withdrawn and does not have emotional connection with anyone. Stayed at an emotional age of 13 to 15. Lives with and off of mother who is too tired from supporting him to argue with him or encourage him. (Me thinks he is a substitute "husband" to a woman who is reclusive and used to abusive men) Rarely leaves the house, generally dislikes society and people. Very negative, seemingly depressed, very selfish, overeats and is morbidly obese. Hypocondriac who turns small issues such as an ingrown toe nail as a reason to not be helpful to anyone or to work. Constant state of denial, refuses to recognize his own issues and has some ideas that seem a little further from reality than most.

Recap:
no job
no friends
rarely leaves house
rarely even goes outside for sun
slight odd maybe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well
depressesd
touch of paranoia and delusion
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) video gaming
no hobbies or activities
never had a girlfriend
essentially spent last decade sitting in his dark room glued to video games, getting huge with once a month outings at best.

Lately we have pressed him to get a drivers license and some family has expected him to work some odd jobs for them so his hostility level has risen. (he is a huge whiney baby aside from any real issues)

I am on the fence about whether this guy is sincerely not okay or if he is just a professional mooch. I don't want to have to adopt him some day but if the chief enabler lets things continue my home is the only one between him and the street.

I do want this person to get help and I do care about them. It's just hard with his generally nasty moods and selfish behavior. He REFUSES to go to the doctor and denies there is anything wrong with the way he lives so this is an uphill battle. I thought that if I had somewhere to start that I could get him help. I don't want to get stuck with a 40 year old difficult child after my kids are grown...

 

[Shari]

I understand your desire to help, but seriously, if you acquire this "child" at the age of 40, there's going to be darn little you can do to change him, so I would start working on boundaries now, so its not a surprise down the road when you won't be his caretaker.
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It does sound like there are some issues, but with enabler mother, and years and years of this behavior, there's likely nothing you can do except protect yourself.
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I know that sounds harsh.
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If it were me, I would do the research and see if you can come up with some possible avenues to help both enabler mother and the man. Give them the info, and let them know you're out of the picture unless/until they both seek help, and plant the seeds that you are not going to be the next enabler.
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It hoovers when it comes to this, because its hard and its a no-win situation. I'm in it, to a degree, with cgfg. She could be helped, if someone would do it. But as the stepparent in the picture and literally the only adult in her world that worries about the fact that the girl can't read or function anywhere close to grade level, I don't have the position to do anything, so I have to just let it go. I have already begun stating that I will not pay for college or support her beyond 18 (our state offers the first 2 years of college paid for if you meet minimal attendance and grade requirements, which, the past 2 years, cgfg has not). I hate it, but there's no workable alternative.
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hugs.

 

[Farmwife]

Shari-

That all makes such complete sense and is the most sane and reasonable course of action. I have worries though, perhaps you could shed light on them for me.

We would love love love to have that talk and plan to. The problem is that the denial, enabling and rationalizations are so ridiculously thick and I don't know how to talk reasonably to completely confused people who see no reason.

Knowing these people as I do I can predict with almost 100% certainty what their arguments will be, they will be many.

1. "Don't wory about it, it isn't your problem or business." Okay, that is perfect as long as I can get it in writing and can expect it to stay that way. No take backs no do overs.

2. "Whats the big deal, he's getting to it?" Problem is he has been getting to it for years...

3. "As soon as he gets over imaginary health reason number 76 he will get a job." lol

ect ect ect

My biggest obstacle is the fact that they have no concept of the passage of time. I see the chief enabler aging a little, but she has plenty of years left in her. Neither of them has any awareness of what comes next or down the road. There is no sense of urgency because it will be fine later, no rush so to speak.

My next biggest obstacle is complete and utter denial. The entire extended family just ignores the problem, never talks about it and for sure never brings it up to the actual person. It's taboo?!?!?!? So, when we rock the gentle waters of denial with a storm of reality we will most asuredly be met with open contempt and be looked at as the bad guys. We will face anger for calling the duck a duck. Mr. Duck has such a moody nature that people find it easier to ignore the problem rather than face him.

Lastly, due to the denial the offering of help or the sheer audacity to point fingers (no matter how well pointed) will be taken as very insulting. I never realized what a mess these people are until I typed it all. All along I was feeling bad for being frustrtaed as if I am the uncivilized one. I am so darn tired of biting my tongue.


Oh, before you mention a healthy personal boundary forget about it. I married into this family who all live on one farm within shouting distance of one another. Our home is still under mortgage and was built on "family ground" (to sell would mean either divorce first or permanent banishment that would emotionally cripple my husband). That means for better or worse I am married to this nightmare and cannot get real space.

I feel like the part of a cartoon where daffy duck does the bouncing off the walls and coo coo sound.