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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dotty, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey dot -

    I had to think about this for a long time. Mostly because when I saw that you went and found her? UGH. (slaps forhead and thinks - and we discussed????? what?) lol. Okay - everyone makes mistakes. Over, done - put it in a bubble and blow it away. It's over. Nuf sed.

    I don't know anyone in the world that likes to be rejected. Not since the beginning of time - grades school - (oh lord don't pick me last for dodgeball I'll get called childish names) - Middle school -(please don't pick me last for softball - I'll be a social outcast) in High school - (Really? I'm this cute and I didn't get voted home coming queen? Court? Not even most likely to knock your stupid annual off the corner of your desk you absolute svckup) And then finally in my marriage and even with my own husbands family - I was a reject...SO when will I ever fit in??? Well maybe with my own son. Annnnnnnnnnnd....???????? Nope again. So I dunno I think I've had a life-time of being rejected, and watching others be rejected, and bullied and I don't like it. Not one little bit. Not even to see it on TV. Not in real life and CERTAINLY not here with my friends. I hate cliques, I dislike mean people....and I can't stand anyone that abuses a child or an animal. But now? I am big enough to do something about it and.......I've had years of therapy enough to stand on my own two feet, be a decent enough person in my own skin to say what I think - and outspeak bullies, mean people, and wrong-way antagonists. It only takes a voice of one - to change a mob. Somedays. If I think I'm right? I'll stand there all day. Prove me wrong? I'll move - otherwise - you're in for quite a battle.

    In this case? With your daughter? You admitted you were wrong. I'm sure that was incredibly hard to do. Mostly because the reason you were wrong is because SHE was wrong -correct? Well in YOUR mind she was wrong. In her friends minds she was wrong. In everyones mind but hers? She was wrong, but what everyone and you have to realize is that you and me, and her get ONE life - and the life she has? Is hers to do with as she pleases. Right or wrong ---it's her life. If she wanted to marry a chimpanzee - that's her right. It would be wrong, but it's her life. So in your thinking you know what is right for her - you went about telling her this man was not right for her. You went about it in a way that you felt would get the point across, and when that didn't work? You upped your tactics, and upped them, and upped them, and upped them. Which unbeknown to you? Worked right into the hand of the man who was working at the time to isolate her. SO while you are desperately trying to help her - you helped him. NOW you see that. So what can be done to UNDO it? How can you get her back? Did you push her into his arms? Well, not really. We're all of a mind of our own. And I doubt seriously that she's staying with a man she'd consider a looser just to spite you - so that thought can get erased. She's staying with him - because either she wants to - OR because she thinks she wants to. (ah there's a little hope in that isn't there???)

    If she wants to stay with him there's not much you can do. Again it's her life. If she's staying with him because she THINKS? she wants to - well there are a few things you can do and I'd recommend doing them because IF she's not with him because she wants to be - and she comes seeking answers some day (not any time soon - trust me on that) YOU will need to have a few things in place.....and those will be -

    Domestic violence counseling - FOR YOURSELF. 1.) because you abused her. You were an abuser, and you need to find out why. What fueled your anger so much. Why you couldn't stop, why you persisted in taking things out on her to a point where she doesn't like you any more. Why her? Why Him? It's abuse. I'd want to know why. I'd want to FIX THAT in myself so I would NEVER do it again with her - with any of my other children, with any friends, co-workers or myself. Even my spouse. (even if you both are estranged in the same house) - I'd want to know what makes me tick like that. There is an underlying reason for the anger.

    Domestic violence counseling - FOR HER - 2.) Because if he is abusive? Maybe not physical, but mental, or verbal? Someday you'll be able to recognize ALL the signs - not just the obvious ones - and in knowledge is POWER ----and you'll be able to HELP HER - with WORDS.....and KNOWLEDGE - NOT DO THIS - DO THAT - DO THIS - DO .......you'll suggest things ---and let her decided for herself what is best. You can't make her do anything - again - THIS IS HER LIFE. It can take years to get over domestic violence abuse no matter WHO did it to you. It's about 1 year in counseling for every 2 years of abuse. (roughly)

    Therapy ---of ANYKIND - helps us understand our shortcomings - and find out WHY we do the things we do and helps us ACCEPT them.....and become better people. In becoming better people???? We become happier, more pleasant people to be around. In doing THAT? People WANT to be around us. Ever met someone that walks into a room and people just WANTED to be around? Wasn't it just amazing? What did they have, know, do, say? Mostly? They understood themselves and accepted who they were and were comfortable in their skin so much - and made others feel so good about themselves first. -----When you get to that point in YOUR life - (and it takes a while - years perhaps) THEN your daughter will see you for the person you REALLY ARE without all the facades, and stress and not only will you be a better person who likes herself - it sets an example for your daughter of HOW to live - YOU made a mistake - you got help, you found a way to forgive yourself, you worked to improve yourself, and you made someting good come out of something bad.

    IF in the end of all this - your daughter decides - NO -----NO I still won't forgive my Mother, or no-----I don't want anything to do with you. The thing that is hardest for me to explain to you now is - YOU will have worked towards TRYING to repair this relationship with yourself first - which is the only relationship you have control over, and in doing so? YOU gain self-confidence, self appreciation, self-worth, self-awareness, self-love, self-tolerance, self-compassion - and all those things you gain for yourself naturally and eventually - spill over into relationships with others - if your daughter doesn't come along? It will still hurt - but you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOU did do every single possible thing you could do on the face of this earth to show that you were willing to make amends - and be a better person.

    I won't promise that she'll ever come back to you dotty - I can't - I'm not her. What I can tell you is that if you start working on YOURSELF....the one person you can take charge of - and REALLY throw yourself into fixing what you can control? Life will be happier for you. It gets harder - because as you go through therapy - you may have to face and deal with some really ugly things you've locked away and haven't dealt with for so long you forgot they were there. But with a good therapist? It's like all the bad, horrible, rotten things in our life - we stuff and stuff and stuff into a storage facility. When one locker is filled - we shut the door, and rent the next space and so on and so on all our lives until the place is SO FULL? It's ready to burst and we have no space left and then we just blow up and people we know or love and sometimes we have no idea why.

    Therapy for me was a lot like - going into those storage buildings and cutting the locks off the door - one at a time and sifting through all the years gone by -and the junk and re-organizing my brain and my thoughs and shredding bad memories as I came to them - and having someone professional to stand there with me so I wouldn't be afraid or anxious when I came to a memory that haunted me or had bothered me from my childhood and we worked through it, dealth with it, and either put it in the shred pile - or put it in a happy memory box - and when I was done? I had a new, empty storage facility that was clean and ready for GOOD, HAPPY memories for the rest of my life - and when I came to horrible and bad or tragic things (like the death of my son) I took from them what I needed - and discarded, shredded the rest. I had learned and taken good tools from therapy in dealing with sorrow, anger, hate, blame, forgiveness, dealing - and I left THOSE in my head.....so when soemthing came along I knew just how to organize it....deal with it - and where to put it so my head didn't get cluttered and leave me a mess - yelling, and shouting, and demanding ,and wanting.......

    It did NOT take away my edge - It did not make me weak - and I still - (trust this) have moments where I could throttle people or wish things bad happen. When that happens I know I need to think, relax, de stress, talk to a freind, walk the dog - use one of my tools -------not react. And because of THAT? I have a son that THINKS a little more (mind you a little) before he acts now and is using MY example as HIS template. (most days -groan)

    Something to think about - because gosh I don't know anyone that likes to hear - WOW star you are NUTZ - I think you need a shrink or a better yet - lets call the PLanters wagon and get you one of those baskets and some shrink wrap - size xl....and the P.A. announces softy..(nice white coat - aisle 3.....nice white coat aisle 3) - But I dont' know anyone I won't talk to and tell them - I'm depressed daily - I take 3 welbutrin - and I believe in therapy ....cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR therapy - and I belive in the power of this board and its friends and love. AND I ALSO BELIEVE in listening to the majority....of the good advice......(lol)

    (skips off to the tune of their comming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm) *I should have called our Ranch the FUNNY Farm....not the D.A. Ranch. Wonder if it's to late to change it now? Or maybe the Crazy A Ranch ......OH and If I move it closer to being Ghetto Fabulous - Yo' Crazy a Ranch Farm ....snort....no no no ......It's still the Dragon A Ranch......nothing ever gets done here in a hurry -but we have lots of time.

    Just like you dot - there's lots of time......and right now? That's what you have - time - so use it constructively --------and to your advantage.

    YOu are loved. You should know that today.
    Hugs
    STar
     
  2. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks for your posts. And you're right I am in need of therapy and drugs! The last two years with my daughter since she started this relationship with this guy have been hell. I went to see a psychiatrists; a few of them in fact. Told I have anxiety issues and have tried medications but nothing has helped with the anxiety and stress in my life. I admit I made mistakes with my daughter. I realize that I probably was verbally abusive to her, not meaning to be, and certainly didn't want to the end result to be what it is today. I've apologized, I've wanted us to talk and communicate and try to find our way back, I even swallowed my pride and went to Bozo and asked him to bury the hatchet. Alll my efforts have been ignored. Nothing. Then I get the no contact order from Bozo yesterday and have to appear in court and my lovely daughter posts all over her facebook, "the ***** got served, let the games begin" and last week stated, "I just punched my mom in the face and it felt sooooo f....ng good." She continues to write how much she hates me down to the core and she won't be happy til she puts me in a mental institution, jail, or the grave. This is the daughter I've been trying to have a relationship with. This is the daughter I've been crying myself over for months...years since she has been with this boy. I don't know her. She is not the daughter I raised. She does hate me and perhaps she has her reasons, but I don't deserve the treatment she gives me, and I certainly don't deserve to be served with papers asking that I have no contact with Bozo, and although her name was not on the order, she will be there with him in court, I'm sure, and is behind him all the way. Her facebook posts humiliating me and venting her hatred and anger for me is plastered online for all the world to see. My younger daughter showed me and couldn't believe she would do that to me, to our family. Someone sent a drug magazine to Bozo's work. He and my daughter believe it was me trying to sabotage his job. Well, he doesn't need anyone to sabatoge any job. No doubt in my mind he will lose it because he's a loser and can't do well on any job. He was fired from a job delivering pizza and he was fired from cashiering at a gas station....need I say more. If he were doing good on this job, a silly magazine wouldn't make any difference at all. A magazine I had no part in sending. If I wanted to start any trouble, I could have simply made a phone call to my friends, the owners, and tell them the truth about him. I did no such thing. He's been at this job since October of last year, and if I had wanted to hurt him in his job, a simple call was all that would have been needed. And I thought about it many times, but never made that call because I was trying to get back in my daughter's life and I knew that I would be blamed for anything like that and I didn't want to ruin any chance we might have. So now he is worried for his job and believes it's my fault if he loses it. I finally realize that I am going to be the reason for all the bad in both him and my daughter's life until the day I die. In any event, I am still numb from being served that notice yesterday and even more appauled that my daughter said and did the things that she did to me about me. I don't deserve this. I never did anything so terrible that I should be condemned like I have been. I finally see the great pleasure she gets in making me cry, making me sad. It's what she lives for and that's a reality I will have to accept. She truly hates me and now after what she has done with her boyfriend, I can honestly say that I don't know that I want to have her in my life either. My feelings may change tomorrow and I will always miss her and wish things had been different. But I really truly don't feel there is any hope for us ever. She hates me. I saw it in her eyes before she punched me in the face last week. I heard it in her words as I read them online, and in talking with other family members who have spoken to her, she wants no part of me ever. In a couple of weeks, I will be in court sitting across the table from my daughter and her loser boyfriend. This is what has become of us. So sad. I don't think the reality of the situation has even sunk in yet.

    But I know this, she is not the daughter I thought and hoped she would be. Yes, I have made mistakes. I wasn't the perfect Mother, but she was far from the perfect daughter either. Yet in all her troubles, I was there for her. She knows how much I did for her. She knows how much I love her, yet she could still do what she did and not care about my feelings in any way. We are over and I have to come to terms with that. It's like a death of a child; I'm in mourning and I'm sad and depressed.

    I need to talk with someone and I thank each and everyone of you for being here. I suppose I haven't found the right physician to help me because in the last two years of my searching, I haven't received any help at all. Even with insurance, the out of pocket expenses are high and money is an issue for me right now. I wish there was a magic pill to make me forget, to make me feel better about the way things are in my life, but I know there isn't. I could spend years in therapy, take tons of medications, and perhaps years from now I could have some type of normalcy in my life, but it will have been too late for me and Britt :( I'm almost 52 and I just feel like I'm too old to change or make any difference in mine or my children's lives. They are virtually all adults. My baby is almost 18. I'm trying to have a better relationship with my youngest daughter, and I'm hopeful to have something with her. The stress in our family caused by my daughter and the void she has left in all our lives is hurtful to everyone. At the dinner table, there is one empty chair, in her bedroom there is always an emptiness because all her belongings are gone. It's not so much about her not living at home. She's an adult, I get that. But even though she lives not far away, she is isolated by Bozo, and she is happy that way. My daughter really wants no contact with me. She hates me down to my core and I am trying very very hard to accept that fact and let her go. Does it get any easier? How do you just forget one of your children. Am I really that bad? Haven't I been punished enough? There is no hope for us anymore. All I can do is pray for her happiness and well being, and I will every single day. :(
     
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    (((Dotty))) Please Google Crisis Hotline and your city and call them, praying for you.
     
  4. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Should I just stop all contact with my daughter and accept the inevitable? Gone forever?
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You don't know what will happen. If Bozo breaks her heart she may running back to you and it's your choice how to deal with it. Trust me, she will be full of apologies and forgiveness if they bust up!

    But for now I think contacting her in any way is a very bad idea. It shows a lack of self-respect and a desperation...and you can at least hold onto your dignity. Let her come to you or let her go.

    (((Hugs)))!
     
  6. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Bozo will never ever break up with her. He isolates her to control her and she lives with him to avoid living home. She goes to school full time and works. He pays rent. We pay school car phone for r daughter. I fear they may go the.distance because she's too obligated to him to ever walk away.....he's her savior for getting her out of our house. Your right tho....no contact. Thx
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dotty,

    What I'm going to say to you is going to sound harsh - But I want you to understand it's in a constructive way, not a mean way - and I'm trying to point something out to you so you can get help.

    You can't badger someone for years - and then play the victim Dot - it's a bad coping mechanism....and it's a tool used to garner attention and sympathy - One that doesn't work too well. It also tends to drive people away after awhile. I do feel for you - but not in the way that you may think. I am brutally blunt because I want to help - and I'm helping because I want you to see that there are things that you are doing - that you may not even realize you are doing - and you can fix them.

    You say at 52 you feel it's too late. It's NEVER too late. Your daughter is hurt, and if she did NOT CARE? She wouldn't try to get back at you. She wouldn't want you to hurt too. She wants you to feel how you made HER feel. It's a bad, vicious cycle and one of you has to be the bigger person, and step up to the plate, get some counseling and STOP this cycle of abuse. The fact that this man has served you with papers? Not surprising - he's controling. This is just another way to control. You keep stepping right into his perfect plan. STAY AWAY from him, her - and get into therapy or loose her forever.

    Before you ever have a chance to get her back? You're going to have to fix YOURSELF, and the things that drove HER away in the first place - and it wasn't ALL just her not living the life YOU wanted her to live the way you wanted her to live it. If therapist 1,2,3,4 didn't work and pills 1,2,3 weren't right? KEEP going until you find the combinations that work best for you - and put the hard work into it that needs to be done. IF it takes until you are 70? Then at least 71-89 years of age WILL BE HAPPY and well adjusted ones - and you will know you did ALL you could to show your daughter you loved her enough to change.

    Even now? When you are asking for advice on what to do? You're not taking it - you're still wanting the shortcut to fixing this relationship with your daughter - and there ISN"T ONE. THAT IS OVER.

    I hate that you hurt - but healing begins with the first step - and they're your feet.

    NOW is the time to work on Dotty......period. Find the right person to do that with.

    Hugs & Love
     
  8. dotty

    dotty New Member

    No one gets it....Thx for your posts.
     
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We get it. At least...I do. (((Hugs))).

    by the way that's exactly what happened with me. I didn't see my son, whom I thought was the greatest person on earth (in my mind, I'd built him up to be this great young man) for five years and when I finally did, I realized he wasn't the greatest at all and that I didn't even know him. He had a list of conditions upon how I could see him, his wife, and his child. The list was written down and was demeaning and embarassing, such as I could only see him his church or in a restaurant, in which we all paid our own food bill. I couldn't come to his house and he wouldn't come to mine.

    From the things he and Wife said, I realize that he either lied to Wife or Wife is nuts or this is Scott's reality of his home life, even though it never happened. Wife kept dabbing her eyes and telling me that it is horrible when a child has to pay all the bills...that this is the responsibility of the parents. Well, I couldn't agree more! But Scott didn't pay the house bills. I'm really not sure how this skewed thinking happened. Also, when the rest of the family spoke to one another about Scott's wedding Wife considered that gossipping. Maybe this is because she is Chinese and perhaps in China family doesn't talk about big events in the family such as weddings to one another. However, to her that was gossipping.

    I just listened to them. I did not try to defend myself. I did not either laugh or cry at Scott's written demands. I did apologize when I truly felt it was right to do so. I knew I'd never have a chance to apologize again because I had already decided that even if they would see me under this list of humiliating circumstances (there were tons more rules), I would not demean myself and do it. And I also had decided that they are two people I do not need in my life, although I will always love the memory of my son, as I remember him.

    As soon as I left the church, where we had our last meeting, I decided to crumble up the list of rules because I did not want to have them to remind me to be angry. I did not want to show them around. I just didn't need them. I drove back to my daughter's house (I was staying there) without a tear and without even much depression. It was like closure.

    I remember thinking that it was odd because both Scott and his wife are fundamentalist Christians. There was no forgiveness in them at all. They live their lives by very rigid rules, way beyond those of most Christians. In their church, the man is the boss. I had never thought of Scott as a control freak, but now I realize he is. Perhaps, since he had been adopted at six, he needed that control. I'm sure he has a form of attachment disorder.

    I didn't mean to babble. I'm sorry. But I think a lot of us do understand.

    I think it's important to get that therapy so that you can move on, at least for right now.
     
  10. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Yes Dotty we do get it, several things in this thread have hit very close to home - not just with what happened with my mom but with my children's X father. More important with ME

    What is going on inside your head right now is very similar to what I was living with 1997-2000 - it was a miracle I survived, my son woke everyday with the fear I wouldn't wake up. Now that he is adult we talk about this stuff.

    I wish I had read Star's last post 15 years ago; could have saved myself so many hours of therapy & AD medication trials. Though back then I didn't have internet and Angel was still perfect so didn't know sites like this existed.

    Dotty I said it before you are stuck in "right now" you can't go back and fix the past so we need to figure out a way to get you on the path forward toward recovery. Your daughter is on a different path right now and you need to get yourself thru the recovery portion before your path and hers can join together successfully.

    You've done good so far taking first step. Dotty here you have Star, MidwestMom & Me (Nancy) - 3 internet friends all rooting for you! If later you want to expand circle of friends the internet has a billion more possible candidates.

    Next baby step - speaking to a live human about this - Many times I've called the crisis hotline and talked to them for hours; it was kind of evil of me because I knew they were trapped and had to make sure I was OK before got me off their phone and I definitely was not ok so that poor person was trapped. (stop tapping your foot Star I said hotline not 911)

    Next step - face to face human contact - Therapist, support group, church/minister, neighbor for coffee...

    Every journey begins with a single step you took that first step quit trying to see the end of the path and lift your foot ...
     
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Dear Dotty, I wish my mother had been able to apologize for what she did to me. Thank you for your posts. You were not one tenth as destructive as she was. I was trying to understand why I was crying today, the day before Mother's Day. I thought it had to do with my relationship with my children. I was wrong, it was about my relationship with my own mother. Dotty, I have said many times here that I believe that a child who is judged, and feels unloved by her mother, ultimately believes that she cannot be loved by God. That is an enormous hole in her soul, a sort of damnation. I hope you take this in the caring way I give it to you.
     
  12. dotty

    dotty New Member

    I have apologize to my daughter.I've tried everything to get her back in my life. I will not see or hear from her this mother's day and it breaks my heart. I acknowledge my role and all of this but she has a lot of wrong too. Iv asked for forgivness and a new start. ,In a week I will be facing her and her boyfriend in court. I guess I got my answer
     
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    That sounds so incredibly sad.

    Can you get a lawyer to go in your place?

    If not, hold your head up and don't cry until you get to your car (then cry all you like :) ) I would avoid eye contact. Doing this to one's own mother is vile. This is on HER, not YOU. Both of you probably did things that were wrong. They were not fatal. If Daughter chooses to be this way...get a lot of help...and please try to let it go (at least for now). (((Hugs)))
     
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dotty,

    We get it more than you realize - hence the advice , suggestions and LIFE experience of - WELL - here's what WE did. HERE are the mistakes (in short) of what WE did - and -after years of therapy (THAT WE SAT through) for ourselves - HERE is what WE can tell you works. (WORKS) WORKED....WILL WORK....COULD WORK MAY WORK.....SHOULLD BE TRIED..SHOULD NOT BE TRIED. (and help angel - if you called my line, and I was allowed or not allowed to talk? I'd talk. People are ultimately more important than RULE #3. I only tap my feet when men burn my chicken on the grill when I've said - NO NO _ 400 is too much heat)

    THE APOLOGY that you want to give? (shrug) Don't you think you've done that? You've gone to her place of work - you've tried to contact her - SHE"S HEARD YOU. SHE'S HEARD you - SHE HAS HEARD YOU. SHe doesn't want it. No amount of you busting into her life - and begging her to hear you is going to make her UNDERSTAND your pain. Your sorrow - YOUR POINT OF VIEW - your reasoning - SHE DOESN"T SEE CHANGE IN YOU AT ALL-------NOT . ONE. LITTLE. BIT - CHASING AFTER HER DOTTY - ???? IS STILL IMPOSING YOUR WILL ON HER AGAIN, AND AGAIN and AGAIN - and YOUR OPINION AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN - and it's the same to her - THE EXACT SAME TO HER - as - I DON"T THINK YOU SHOULD DATE THAT BOZO ---------ONLY NOW - YOU ARE SAYING - OH GOSH I WAS WRONG - NOW I'm going to chase you down and FORCE YOU TO TAKE MY APOLOGY - YOU ARE FORCING HER - ONCE AGAIN - TO TAKE WHAT YOU WANT HER TO TAKE - and you DO. NOT . GET . IT.......and she's finally had ENOUGH!!!!! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! to the point where she's gotten so ANGRY with you - HER MOTHER ?????? That she's struck you! TAKE THE HINT.......LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm NOT on her side - I'm not on YOUR side. I'm an IMPARTIAL bystander looking at this - without mailice but WITH experience - WHO CHASED her kid - begging for forgiveness ------and had her son GET IN HER FACE and finally gave up - and in the mean time - The two volitaile sides went their own way. ME and Him. And in that time - I continued to WORK on my issues. I told you - I make NO bones about it - I state it here ALL. THE . TIME - I stayed in therapy for 15 years. I had a great childhood. But like every child - THINGS happen, and then I got married, and I had a life - and my marriage was horrible, and then I had a kid that was a difficult child, I had natural disasters happen, house fires, trauma, car accidents, lost jobs, ridiculously anal bosses, struggles with money, life - a divorce, then a fiance that is wonderful but 110% disabled, and I mean pft - like anyone else - my list goes on and on - SO DOES YOURS......why keep trying to say - NOPE nothing wrong with me - if I could just fix THIS (my daughter and me) my life would fall back into place. IT WILL NOT. IT WILL NOT - IT WILL NOT - YOU FIX YOU - and work on YOU....and ADMIT - (WELL IT"S ME) and the rest STARTS to fall into place - and you START to uncover, and undig, and unearth junk that you may not have remembered for years - IT IS THERE - in your mind - stored away - some of it just forgotten - but things change our lives. TO admit - NOTHING has affected your life and HYPER FOCUS on her? YOu're really cheating yourself - your husband - your other kids.....your friends, the rest of your family - but MOSTLY your quality of life.

    DId she do wrong too? YOU BET SHE DID. SHE was raised better than this, and she went and got herself hooked up with a BOZO. You told her - and she ignored GOOD logical, advice - WELL -----doesn't that just stink? YUP. And didn't you TRY to make her see what a mistake she was making? SURE - you're her Mom and a good one. But your tactics were wrong, and your behaviors were wrong. All you did was try to get her to see what she was doing and messing up. Maybe chalk it up to really hurtful behaviors. Incorrect parenting - I have no idea what you did. But the minute that you keep trying to fix it over and over and over - YOU give HER the power and control over your life. And you may think -OH oKAY that's okay -----I want her to punish me - and make me feel like dirt - BUT you have to remember she's got someone else there with her pushing buttons WITH her who isn't exactly one of you ----and he's dangerous. SO YOU need to stop the cow-tow behavior ------STOP RUNNING towards them, and like MWM said - DO NOT cry in front of them - no matter what.

    THE SECOND you let her see that this bothers you () much - HE WINS AGAIN....and quite frankly he's already gotten her - I've told you three times - IF YOU HAVE a chance of getting a relationship with her ever again - the way to do it - is to IMPROVE yourself - MAKE HER WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD - is going on with Mom - HOW is Mom so strong, WHY isn't it bothering Mom that I'm not in the picture - WHY is Mom happy, without ME????? HOW can that be? BUT IT TAKES TIME - and actually TIME is all you have - because she is CERTAINLY NOT going to come running to you the way things are with you all crying, and begging and trying to get her back. SHe's not like that - NEVER WILL BE. THINK I'm being hard????? Keep running to her and begging for forgiveness - YOU'll SEE HARD, and TOUGH and hurtful. Because He'll be standing behind her handing her advice on how to give UGLY, PAINFUL, MISERY out in SPADES and when she does it to you? HE WILL REWARD HER.......TEN FOLD. AND YOU THINK today hurts? Keep doing what YOU ARE DOING and don't get the help I'm suggesting. I'm not a "tough old broad" I'm not a "Mean old witch" - I'm actually a caring and compassionate person - but I have zero tolerance for "let me ask you what to do" and then does the complete opposite...it's defeating, and counter productive and if you believe I'm wrong? and want to PROVE me and the others wrong (not you per se but anyone in this similar situation) then GO see a therapist.

    The best way to feel better about anyone else - and how they treat you is to feel better about YOURSELF first - get to know what makes YOU tick...what makes YOU Happy.HOw to set short and long term goals for yourself, work on your SHORTCOMINGS (and I have several I work on daily) ...and then figure out what it is YOU Need to do to attain those goals. I maintain - If no one cared - we wouldn't give you advice from our hearts - because while you think we're being mean? It takes a lot of courage to tell you what WE did wrong, admit it - and tell you how we fixed it so YOU can benefit from MY mistakes.

    It took my son THREE YEARS -------of very little conversation with me - living with his psychopath father, in parks, under bridges, eating out of dumpsters, ME hanging the phone up on him after stating - GOSH that sounds bad, I bet you'll figure it out - and getting off the phone and CRYING my eyes out but toughing up with every call - knowing these were HIS decisions and HIS consequences - and ALLOWING him to make them - that led to him REALIZING 1.) I was a good-=great Mom, 2.) HE messed his OWN life up, and 3.) HE FIXED his own messes.....4.) I was partially responsible for some of the mistakes - but people are human - and he was just as much to blame for the language and hate spewing.....and trust me - your daughter is 18 and doing this .....I've been getting this from age 5 - 17.......and EVERYTHING was my fault. EVERYTHING. Maybe even a little longer at times when he was really manic - like from BEFORE HE WAS BORN until 21.....so yeah - I may have an idea of what you are going through. And no - I didn't really want to hear what a BAD mother I was in thearpy ------Turns out - I was really a GOOD one. Never know what you'll find out. (shrug) You do have two other kids that are really good ones huh? And you DID come here looking for help - HUH? Just take it a step further ------no big deal......really, really.

    Hugs & Love
    Star
     
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Star, what a great post.

    You can not control ANYONE ON EARTH except yourself. Not your parents, not your kids. You can't, you can't, you can't. You can try, but that behavior is on yourself. I agree with Star that the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. That's sort of why I recommended not going to court...that will only hurt you.

    Star, you are so eloquent.
     
  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Dotty, you are hurting and that stinks. Your daughter is making a MESS out if her life and you can't stop it. You know where she's headed; it's not good; it's not the way you raised her; and you feel obligated as a mother to get between her and the bad decisions she is making. And you've tried everything. And when everything didn't work, you escalated your own behavior thinking your passion and anger would be the key to getting thru to her. And it hasn't. She's mirrored your behavior right back to you and now you are locked in a volatile rally of back and forth fury.

    When my son walked out; I came here. And i heard from the very people who are advising you now. And a part of me thought deep down that my beloved son wasn't a difficult child like the troubled kids of the other posters. That WE had a bond, that I raised him well, that my problem was a miscommunication and I just needed direction in how to get thru to him. That somehow we'd gotten off on the wrong foot and somewhere there was an answer to set my world straight again. And these lovely women told me gently and often and sometimes too directly to get off the merry go round. Before it destroyed me. Because if I didn't, it would be what defined me. And I had other things in my life that needed attention-my h, my younger boys, my friends, my interests and my very self. And if I let my life-my very self-become about my lost boy, I would lose myself and the other people in my life. Becoming consumed with my lost boy was putting my other relationships at risk. I was throwing them away trying to get my son back. And my son has no desire to be back IN THE WAY/IMAGE I want him to be. Maybe he never will. But I hold onto that hope.

    The hardest thing to come to terms with is the daughter you seek is not available to you right now. That sweet daughter is not on the table of possibilities. She may never be. You can't fix her or you relationship if she is unwilling. And make no mistake; she is unwilling right now. So you can continue in this volatile rally that continues to escalate and fuels the mutual distrust or you can stop. I know how hard "stop" sounds. It's sounds like giving up. But it's not. Because its an empowering decision to "stop" making things worse. It's an empowering decision to choose self preservation. You can do this! Do it for you.

    I know you think many posters are preaching or judging-but we're not. We know how you feel, we've been where you are. The only redemption is that maybe our journey -our mistakes and our pain-can spare you making the same painful mistakes. Posters gave me answers that hurt sometimes. I got defensive, I cried, and then I said "aha." I know that the lessons I received here and the advice I took saved me from pain and saved me from making our bad situation worse. And that is why I reach out to you.

    I read an essay by another parent early on my journey in estrangement with my son and this line stayed with me. "Every day I wake up with a desperate need to DO SOMETHING (to fix it) and realize there is nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be."

    Right now, you just have to let it be. There is nothing you can do. You've tried. And if it's too hard to let it be-you need to get help for yourself before you let this relationship cost you everything and everybody else. {{{hugs}}}

    (And to those posters that reached out to me gently and not-so-gently in my times of need-thanks again. XXOO )
     
  17. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I agree with the others, though my relationship with girls x father was more like a roller coaster then a merry go round but point was the same - I needed to get off! And I'm glad I did when I did because I noticed where my attempts to get him back had been pulling bolts out of the foundation.

    It's been over 10 years since he picked up a phone to check on his kids - I didn't cause his illness but my constant throwing his past mistakes etc. up to him wasn't help him deal with getting treatment or stable; so when he spiraled out of control for safety he would remove himself from the family home.

    Understand I was trying to support a house with 3 kids on a part time telemarketing job and the 4yo kept almost killing the 2yo. My constant nagging and tricks to try to get him home eventually drove him away for good. When I first realized he wasn't coming back I turned into something pretty horrible and things got ugly.

    Luckily my ulcer made sure my drinking problem was short lived, too bad that was same time psychiatrist was trialing me on every AD available. medications and alcohol absolutely do not mix well, I can never apologize enough to my son for what I put him thru.

    Dotty I know you feel alone right now - you truly are not

    Try to do something nice for yourself today if only for 10 minutes...
     
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    EXACTLY! and if you get therapy - and get to UNDERSTAND YOURSELF - and become calm, slow to react, etc...and fix yourself - and make amends for the things you've done WRONG in your life? WHAT do you think the example you are setting for your daughter is THEN. Whethere she follows a GOOD example after that OR continues to be miserable, and follow her OWN example and not mirror YOUR GOOD EXAMPLE will be on her - but if you have therapy and temperance under YOUR belt and patience - GUESS WHAT YOU can recommend to a raw person at that point?

    Thanks Sig - THAT was brilliantly put. Brilliantly put.
     
  19. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    We do get it, Doty. It's hard to hear, but we do get it. Please get help for yourself. Every person who has taken time to respond to your posts has done it out of caring. We've all been hurt - one way or another - by our kid's choices. Read here and learn and know you're not alone.
    Dash
     
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You should stop all contact with your daughter, but "gone forever" is not the "inevitable". It ain't over until it's over. Do get on with your life. Do see a therapist and your MD. Do be prepared for your daughter to contact you again. And do be prepared to have an open mind that one day she might grow up - although not all will. You will have to cross that bridge when you come to it.

    The only thing I know for sure is that we're born alone and we die alone. We owe it to ourselves and all of the other people who are alone here with us to be the best people that we can be. Being twisted in guilt and pain over your daughter is not the best person that you can be. Find yourself, then be yourself. Your daughter will be herself, too.