Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dotty, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Dear dot -

    The wall that you've put up around yourself? It's the reason you feel so isolated. The relationships that you want with your daughters, your son, your husband? Are relationships that you may get back honestly before you think so, before you die, or never. That's a hard, hard reality to face at such a young age of 52. I know it all seems so hopeless, desperate and self-defeating to continue to go on at this point because you just kind of sit down and go "WHY the #*$)( should i keep going it really hasn't done me a blinkin bit of good this far?" and then you just sit there and maybe you cry, or maybe you rage and recount all the memories in your head about relationships and family and failed attempts at what seems like everything in our lives. When we think in terms of depression we tend to think in losses and years. It rarely occurs to us to consider all the things that are blessings and keep those in the forefronts of our minds because we get hyperfocused on the things that we lost, couldn't hang on to, our so-called failures. We feel worse about those than we do the good things because it's easier to (as you say -have a pity party) because when we have a pity party we get more of a consoling batch of attention in the beginning from the people we love and it gets addicting. When we win - it's a short lived high. If you think about it - no one every killed someone with an overdose of happiness. Take Munchausens by proxy - the people get hooked on the attention - negative attention. Its very much like an overdose from a pity party. It's just out of control.

    Depression is like that and can turn so many different ways in our heads and alter our chemical states that eventually we're so confused we're really not ourselves and....there in lies the changes in our behaviors. How we begin to treat ourselves - we stop taking good care of ourselves. Stop eating right, stop exercising right, stop caring about, or trying. Or, how we speak to others, how we think, how we REACT to others, and their behaviors. So eventually even we are saying and doing things that after an encounter when we step away from it - We're like "WOW what just happened? What was THAT? Why did I behave like THAT? I'd better get myself in check!" Granted some of these things can be from accidents, or because of health issues that we have no control over, but who we surround ourselves with, how we allow ourselves to be treated, what we will and will not tolerate (where we draw our line in the sand or take a stand and mean it in conjunction to YOU WILL NOT treat me this way and mean it) ? It's never too late to change that. And it's never too late to change yourself. It's also never too late to ask a higher power for a little assistance. Or in my case - (chuckles ) a LOT. I figured for years he just didn't hear me - truth is - I wasn't listening.

    And that wall I was talking about? Well metaphorically speaking? Every time someone did something TO me? I'd get a brick and lay it down. Say something ugly? I never told you that hurt.....lay a brick. Treat me badly? I never told you it wasn't kind. Lay a brick. Beat me, slap me, punch me? Keep my mouth shut and not fill out a police report. Brick, brick brick. Take a position at work I deserve? I didn't fight for it - I just got depressed, and sullen. Brick. Called me names behind my back? Brick. Laughed at my ideas instead of sharing my thoughts and making me feel special? Brick. Not inviting me to lunch when everyone in the office was walking out? When it would have been just as easy to include me too? Brick. Being cliquey because you have money and I don't? Brick. Telling gossipy lies about me and letting me sit there and deliberately trying to hurt my reputation at the office? Brick. Taking my son from me and telling him I was dead? Brick. Having affairs on me behind my back our entire marriage - and I went back to you? Brick. Moving, packing the house, selling almost eveyrhing I had, giving up my job, driving a truck over 3 states -taking you back for the umpteenth time and driving 10 hours to pull in the yard and meet your girlfriend pulling in to take you on a date? LAST BRICK!

    And with the last brick? Comes me standing on my toes to try and put that brick in place....and instead of me straining to put it up on top of my wall to give every0one else the benefit of the doubt and keep myself from falling to pieces so I could stay there - with you and be strong behind the facade of make believe that I'm stoic? That brick - the last one? It fell and hit my head and knocked some bloody sense into me and I literally blew that wall to smitherines. And when I did? WHAT an epiphany dot......I felt like I was so free, so light, so lifted..but I was NO WHERE near......NO WHERE NEAR ------fixed,. It was just the beginning of a 15 year very hard, very needed beginning of the trail of my life - with therapists and I felt EXACTLY like you do. I'm too old to start over - MY LIFE? Is nearly over. I'll never have it back - it's gone.

    Well maybe think of it like this. Because I know a few people that have lived well into their 90s and are in very good health. I also know that I have buried two sons both at age 18 - and they didn't even get to start living or experience any of the life I had hoped for them. So listen up Ms. I'm 52 and my life is shot. Mk? Ok. At 52 if you live let's say .....Thirty more years...Na scratch that.....Lets say you live 40 more years. BEcause it's possible that you could live to be 90 - you sound scrappy to me. So you are going to estimate you'll live to be 92. The next 20 years? COULD BE the best of your life. I mean My Mom is like (cant say her real age or she would kill me) but 7?) years old and she dances six hours straight twice a week and wants MORE - no joke. I can't keep up the woman is a machine. She started doing this in her 50's (OH what did I say - her 50's) gosh dot---what age are you? Hmmmm. Okay so maybe you have two left feet. Hate dancing wtih the stars and have no desire to dance. (me either) ten years of classical ballet and I just fall more gracefully. BUT what if - you did like dancing - and while you're going through therapy - you take up the cha cha and tango? So 52, carry the one......and you're in therapy now 5 years and you are at that point where yup short term goal by the time you are 60 you go to your first USABDA (amateur ball room trophy thing) big prize.....and you are now I think you go from bronze to silver, then gold in eight years you are learning to love yourself, untangling your mind and TANGLING with your dance partner? NOT a bad mental picture huh? And you win a trophy? And you have a sexy body ta boot - and trust me - a lot of those girls out there have very rotund figures and are over 250 lb. Dancing is for everyone. Hate dancing? Take up pottery. Make a vase - but whatever you do? TRY....not good at it? Get a different hobby......but set short term goals and long term goals......and get out and meet people.....because whle you're fixing yourself - you're going to like yourself more, and the depression will shed......and as that happens? Every layer that you put on over the years will COME gone - and never come back because you learn HOW with tools to make sure it never does. Right now? You just don't know the tools and procedures for KEEPING IT OFF.

    Once you learn and recognize it & how to turn to the crud and say _----------STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE _---------------BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!!! and then turn to the mirror and go "OH GIRL YOU BLEW THAT DARK CLOUD OFF GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! You are AWESOME. MMMMMM MMMMMMM - I LOVE ME. yeah! (and some days you won't be that happy with yourself) but the days you are? You just store it up for the days you aren't and thank God there's No shame in that.

    Youre on the right path. And you have to know at this point? Even though I've never met you? I see great things in you!!!!!!! I see your pain, I recognize it.....and there isn't another here NOT ONE SINGLE OTHER MEMBER that doesn't "GET" what you're saying or how you're trying to "back door" the event with - BUT IF I COULD ONLY - BUT YOU SEE ITS LIKE THIS -WELL YOU DON"T GET IT - I HAVE TO........NO NO NO _ NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...I MUST .......(I will promise you this if nothing else) If you stick with the therapy, and you commit faithfully, do the work, and find a therapist that you click with - really like, trust and build a relationship with - and find the right medications - and that takes don't get disouraged....and don't make the mistake of going to three sessions and coming out going - BLAH TA DAH IM CURED.......and now I AM CURED AND I'M GOING TO DO IT MY WAY - or come back here and tell us (the knowing) WELL MY THERAPIST SAID _ GO RUN DOT GO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER...(cuz we know better - and we've had a few over the years come here and pull that bologna too) Then I will promise you the you will feel better, be happier and once you can say I really LOVE myself and forgive myself/ THEN things start to happen with others - and your behavior and your aura and your personality become infectious - and those that are around you that don't get you? Won't bother you and you'll have an understanding of why and it won't hurt and you'll accept it and move on.

    Good luck in strong. I'll be thinking of you....Prayers are free - Hugs are free - The work will cost you - but I have the utmost confidence in you that you will succeed.

    If I were there I'd give you a big one in person - really, really - and so would everyone here - (I have a feeling they're a huggy group)
  2. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks Star....I wish u were here to give me a hug use some of those. You paint a pretty picture and hope its even a little possible to achieve. I live in Illinois around Chicago area. Do u no of any good therapists around here? Hate the thought of wasting time finding a good one and really wanna work on being happy again. I'm discouraged but willing and desperate enough to try anything. Thx. :/
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    It's very possible to achieve depending on how badly YOU want it, how much YOU work on yourself, and how long YOU commit to improving yourself. There were times Dot that I physically did not want to go. MENTALLY fought myself and it was Way easier to stay at home, and sulk, or watch tv, just blow the appointment off, or pick up the phone and pinch my nose and sound like I had a head cold, then bow out of the appointment - well that didn't work - my therapists WIFE was his secretary and she would say "OH honey I'm so sorry, okay we've got you down then for TUESDAY at 9 pm instead. (DRAT) I mean - the man worked M-Sun from 9 am till 10 PM - he was so awesome.

    I don't know if there is such a thing as good therapist - I KNOW there are bad ones. - AND you will KNOW who they are. LICKITY split - they'll be the ones watching the clock three or four times in your session.....and cancelling your appointments on you - and otherwise not paying attention to you OR not giving you homework for the week to improve yourself on. I mean there's no Angies list for shrinks...(don't think)

    My guy was a local man - faith based......and he was the therapist to the guys that were prisoners INSIDE the prison.....the worst of the worst. He'd authored a few books but was very humble.....he drove an old car - lived modestly - and his schedule was full. He helped everyone. Modest office.....and never one cancelled on me. He also did EMDR therapy which I believe in. (look it up_)

    I liked men better than women......He seemed to realte to me better. Have no idea why - but most women like talking to women better. It's just whatever you like.

    I went through five before I found him ======you just have to search until you find one you go - AHhhhhh I'm cofy here. And relaxed and feel like you don't get upset when they say "Well our time is up -and actually LOOK forward to coming back and talking about your progress." THEN? I think you know that's the one. And you'll start to see progress in yourself feel better and go - SHEESH I am SO geting this...

    Oh and by the way - I hate to I'm just telling it like it is - and if it even sounds () much attractive to you? The place where I was in my life was SO far below where you are now? It doesn't even register on the depression scale. So yeah.....I've come a long, long way - but I did it myself. And I'm proud of that. I'm okay with me (mostly) and I have tools and I'm reinventing things all the time. I still get disappointed, and I've got problems and things I wish were different. I'm poor, but I'm blessed. I can organize YOU but I'm mostly scattered. It's a balance. You have to find yours and it takes a lot of time and work. Acceptance of self is a journey.

    YOu'll do fine ------AND I'm always here to hold your hand and kick your butt. lol.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very well said Star.
  5. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Update for any of you wondering what went on in court today. Found out Bozo was going to have an attorney so I called one yesterday who met me at court this morning. Ironically it's the only lawyer I really know and he's the one who helped get my daughter out of trouble a little over a year ago. He got his order of protection for one year and it cost me $350 I didn't have to lose. What hurt the most is that my daughter was there ready, willing, and all set to testify against me. We never even made eye contact. Hurt so bad. She didn't even look at her dad or acknowledge us in the courtroom. So sad. Even the judge acknowledged how terribly sad this whole situation was. So he got his way and gets to keep me away from the apartment he houses my daughter in; not like I ever went there anyway. He couldn't prove anything really. I had to acknowledge that I went to a gas station once to talk with him; his lawyer said that was stalking and harrassing, although we actually had a friendly conversation that day. The other was that I spit in front of him saying, "That's what I think of you" my own home after a heated discussion. Judge was just on his side from the getgo. Even my lawyer couldn't believe she honored it; I was the one in physical danger from my daughter. In any event, court date is over, and so is any feeling I have for my daughter. I buried her today in my heart. She is dead to me. If she could do that to me and hurt me like she did today, I just can't look to the future of having anything with her. It pains me. I will feel terrible forever. But to see her cocky attitude with her frizzed up hair and way too much makeup and that smirk I hate so much, that's what I will remember. I don't think I can forgive this one. The hurt may soften in the future and I'll get therapy for how to deal with the pain. But I don't want her in my life now or in the foreseeable future. She has made her choice to stay with ugly druggie Bozo. I used to think she was too good for him, that she deserved better, but today I finally realized she is exactly where she should be and that she has met her perfect match. I wish them nothing but unhappiness :(
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm just glad court is over with and you didn't end up going to jail. I can understand that you are really mad at your daughter right now but I'm not buying the "gonna hate her forever" attitude NOPE you are mad now but you got a year to cool off at this point. I once pushed my mom to the point she not only screamed she hated me but said if abortions would have been legal back then I wouldn't be here. Wow she was mad!!!

    My mom still does the raised eyebrow and gets snippy when I bring up un-grounding myself that night I moved out / or got kicked out; guess it doesn't matter because we have a good relationship now. Bless her heart she is over there packing her camper so if I need a blanket or towel out there she will have extra's to give me.

    Sorry got off on my own thing again, I'm so glad that court thing isn't hanging over your head anymore and you can work on healing. I would try to find some recovery forums or group, yes drop in here once in a while to let us know you are ok but I wouldn't read all this stuff our kids are putting us through every day while you are trying to recover from this experience because it will keep re opening old wounds and will hinder your recovery.

    Wishing you all the best Dotty
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Dot -

    I'm glad you made it through today with YOUR head held high because your daughters head should have been somewhere between the ground and the bottom of her shoes in a manner of respect for how you Honor your Mother and Your Father. (Rule # 5 Old Testament)

    I think and know that the description you have given your daughter - the frizzy hair and the overly made up, - and the part about I wish them nothing but unhappiness? (all bricks) It's more defense to keep yourself safe. And actually - it's not a bad defense when you don't know anything better. THERAPY will teach you WAY better coping skills that allows you to NOT carry around such heavy burdens and teach you how to allow those particular things to not drag around with YOU. Sounds almost impossible doesn't it? Right now? You are so raw, and so angry and well - you have a right to be angry - but how you deal with that ANGER is a matter of HOW the world will percieve you - and how you live with yourself. In time - and with help - you're going to learn mechanisms to deal with what happens when.......and how to forgive and move on so that her problems don't become your burdens.

    It won't be so much that she's dead to you - Because that's hate....and depression. But it will be a healthy attitude of "You know what folks? I did everything I could, I made mistakes, and when I realized I made mistakes I did EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD to correct them - and NOW? I'm living my life on my terms, with the knowledge that you move forward one, step, at, a time - and learn from those mistakes - improve yourself as much as you can - and evolve every day - until you die. Set an example for yourself, your children, your friends and BE a reflection of the person you most admire in your life. - I personally dot - fall so short of that every day - but I get up every day - ask for His forgiveness - and move on trying each and every day to do it better just one more time - if he'll let me.

    You CAN do this - YOU CAN put this pain behind you - YOU CAN BE ....happy, and you wouldn't have been directed to come here, and meet all of us -------and STAY ON -----even when the first posts hurt so badly - if it hadn't been all part of your life. SO there's a reason you sought us out.....there's a reason you will continue to improve and a reason you will continue to work and improve yourself and maybe - who knows what is out there for you - A promotion - a rekindled romance with your husband - a divorce and a new husband - a new home - a new car - WHO KNOWS - but once your attitude starts changing.........THINGS start to fall into place and you literally feel things MOVE around you - and you just start to think better, eat better, and want better people around you - and it's contageous. BUT takes work. does NOT happen over night.......KNOW ---------that there will be worse days -----while you're working because you are going to clean out 50 some odd years of BAD your brain -----because everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and feel whether we are conscious of it or NOT........gets stored chemically and digitally in our brains and it's ALL UP THERE in the gigantic warehouse in our brains - and that's what you and the therapists get to sift through and get rid of .........and throw out, sort, keep, re-sort and like philo dough - uncover things that you may not even be aware are there......that have caused you to turn one way or another and create things in your life to go -----bad, sad, mad or turn you into a cynic, or needy, or mean.....or no emotional feelings at all - or hide behind a brick wall to feel safe. It's all up there. GO GET EM GIRL!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

    Hugs & Love
    EXTRA HUG - EXTRA HUG - EXTRA HUG - RASPBERRY (cuz I can) :flirtysmile3:
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Dotty, big hugs. YOU DID IT!!!!

    Now here are some of my thoughts. In general, I agree with Star.

    I do not want a relationship with my son again. But I also don't want him to suffer or to be unhappy. I hope his life is good. I forgave him and moved on. I think therapy is mandatory for you both to get over your anger and bad feelings and to find out good ways to help yourself build a better life. I've been in therapy for years. I consider it very important to my health and well being.

    Keep us updated. We'll be here for you :)
  9. dotty

    dotty New Member

    I'm very glad today's over too. I really got to see my daughter in her current state, how cold, mean, unemotional she really is. She's not the sweet little girl I keep trying to get back. She was so proud of herself, you could see it by the smirk on her face. The more I suffered, the happier she got. I do need therapy, no doubt, especially after today, but I don't know that I will ever forget today. She's abused me! So much over the last two years. I have actual body scars to prove the way she clawed her nails into my flesh, but today was a different kind of abuse, and I don't care how many years of therapy I may be entering into....I feel differently today. Almost in a good way, that I can finally let her go and not call or text or care that she doesn't call me or want to meet with me. After today, I don't care. She has made me cry, hurt, and beg like no mother should ever have to. She had her legal woes and I did everything I could to keep her record clean, to keep her future safe, and today I have an order of protection against me that didn't need to be. I don't bother Bozo, don't plan on it. I was a good mom to her and she knows all the things I went through for her, but she threw me to the wolves today all for a boy who is nothing...I mean nothing, but every mother's worst nightmare. Another thing I realized today. I always believed my daughter was too good for this boy, that she deserved someone better. I was wrong. They are perfectly suited to one another. She is where she needs to be and with who she needs to be with. They are very much the same and deserve each other more than any two people ever should.

    It's been 7 1/2 days since I called, texted, or tried any contact. And guess what? I'm not crying, and I'm not trying to keep myself from my cell phone keys. I've cried all day today, still in disbelief of her actions toward me. Even my lawyer and the judge felt bad about the situation and this is certainly family dysfunction at its best. Maybe in time I'll forgive ALL the things she's done to me, but I will never ever forget and I will never trust her enough to want anything with her. If we get to the point where we can exchange Christmas cards once a year, that's good enough for me. Yes I'm angry. Yes I'm hurt, but I won't allow someone like her to destroy me anymore. There will come a day that she will wonder why mom hasn't called, wondered why mom doesn't care, and maybe she'll call or text. And guess what? I can't wait for that day so that I can hit the "delete" button with no response whatsoever. She crossed the line today. A line she had no business crossing. If Bozo wanted to pursue something against me, it was his call to make, but for her to go to court clinging to him, siding with him, lying on behalf of him. Well, that's really all I needed to say to make me totally want to vomit.

    Today she is dead to me and I've buried her. Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. Not every mother and daughter are meant to be close. Not every mother and daughter are meant to even be friends. She's my child. I still love her becaues I'm her mom and I'm supposed to. But I really am not feeling the love right now and haven't in a while. So perhaps the fact we are where we are is the best thing for the both of us and I just didn't realize it until today. <3 And I don't really want her to be unhappy forever...just long enough to see what a mistake she made in getting involved with Bozo. He's destroyed our family like he promised me he would, and my daughter helped him do it. Long, sad day. I'm just done with her forever. I have no desire to try. I have no desire to see her.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I actually agree with you. Should my kids ever dare throw me to the wolves, they would find themselves fast out of my life in a NY minute. I dont forgive and forget. Its a one shot deal for me.
  11. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Not sure if reality has set in yet. Still shocked Bozo was granted a restraining order of protection; guess I had a lousy lawyer and not enough time to prepare and lie like he did. Part of me thought that this court thing might be the beginning of the end for Bozo and my daughter. I thought that maybe after she helped crucify me, she'd feel guilty about where her loyalties lie and eventually hate him for it. Not that she will ever come running back to me; I know that won't ever happen. Too much has happened between her and I to ever have a normal relationship or any at all. But tonight my husband reached her and she wasn't sorry at all. Said I deserved what happened to me and that she wasn't going to let me get away with trying to destroy her boyfriend's job. That's what they believe. I didn't, but doesn't matter anyway. I can't prove I didn't send some stupid magazine; he can't prove I did. She laughed when he told her how much she hurt me and how sad the entire situation was. Her response was that she was never coming back to me. Funny thing is I haven't asked her to. Haven't called or texted her in 10 1/2 days :) Have no desire to say anything to her. What can I possibly say after the display I was shown Monday in court. My daughter was proud of herself; hate and vengence in her eyes, even though she never even looked our way or said a thing. Does anyone think she feels bad or guilty at all? I guess a part of me always thought she had some compassion where I was concerned and even after all that's happened I am trying to find something, a reason, a why to all of this. Anyone have any ideas or thoughts? She's not sorry; doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel guilty, chuckled according to my husband. Maybe she was pretending, maybe it was real. What do you think. Iknow it doesn't matter now. I guess I still am numb knowing she did what she did and wanting so bad to feel like maybe she's sorry about doing it, even though she'll never ever tell me that even if she is. I just feel like such a failure as a mom for a child to hate me so bad she is capable of nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no compassion, no love.

    I'm sure the days will go by and hopefully get easier. I'm meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow; hopefully I can get some strong medications and find a therapist too. I don't think my life will ever be the same. The hurt here and now; the hatred from my daughter is far too great, and although I realize she's not someone I want or need in my life, it still is a very very sad situation. Even my lawyer, and the judge saw the pain in my very dysfunctional family. What do I do? How do I change the way I feel. Did I deserve this? Is she right?
  12. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I think that going to therapy will be very beneficial to you. I would really work on finding a therapist FAST!
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't know if she feels bad. I thought Scott probably missed me in the five years we were seperated, but when we had our meeting he said he never thinks about us...he's too busy and has a new family now. I believe him. He made it very easy for me to finally move on. When I realized the coldness in his heart, I didn't want to see him anymore.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to see a therapist who can help you through this. They'll believe what they believe and you can't control that, but you can control yourself and have a great life even without her. She sounds coldhearted too, but I don't know the whole story. If I were you, I'd try very hard (it's NOT easy) to stop thinking about "why" or "what if." Try to do nice things for yourself. I don't think you think of yourself enough :) It's important that we do.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it's time to stop focusing on what she does or doesn't feel. It'll make you crazy. You'll never know, and even if you did, it probably wouldn't make any sense to you. You can "why" yourself to death.. and no answer will satisfy you; believe me, I've been there. At this point, you just have to move forward. You can't change what's happened, it's done. Try to put it behind you.. little by little. You do need to process your feelings with a good therapist, and figure out where you go from here. Where *you* go.. not her. Dwelling on her actions and her motives will get you nowhere... again, been there done that. Take some time to grieve, and then to heal, and get back to the business of life. You deserve a good life. A GREAT life. And you can have it, even without her, I promise.

    Hugs. You can do this... you can. But please dont' do it alone... I hope you find a therapist that you "click" with to guide you through it.
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Glad you are seeing a doctor and looking for a therapist. It will help you move on. Sending you peace. -RM
  16. dotty

    dotty New Member

    So u all sound like u believe there is no hope ever for my daughter and I? True? I will not b the one to pursue a relationship bc I can't won't stand any more rejection. Does anyone think she will ever contact me?????
  17. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dotty, there is always hope. We're not saying it's hopeless, but we're saying it's time to do your best to move forward, and learn to be ok whether she contacts you or not. To learn to accept that this is not within your control, and learn how to live your own life, for YOU, regardless of her decision. You can't wake up each day hoping this will be the day she contacts you, or even wondering if it will be tomorrow, because you have no control over that, and ultimately it will make it impossible for you to move on with your own life. You have to find some peace.. and that will take time. And in order to do that, you have to start focusing on yourself, and try hard to stop focusing on her. That's very hard, and it hurts like heck... I know.

    None of us can begin to guess whether or not she'll contact you. But I can guess that if she does, it won't be anytime soon.... so do what you can to take care of you for now.

    Hang in there.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    We don't know. Right now there isn't. You need to move on. There is no way for a ny of us to guess if she will ever contact you. That isn't the issue. Getting YOUR life together is the issue. (((Hugs)))
  19. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hi Dotty! Pages and pages of great input for you. I didn't read through all the replies but did want to add my input. You need to start by redefining your boundaries of the relationship. You know your dreams for a respectful line of communication between the two of you. You know what your boundaries are - not allowing ANYONE to treat you with such disrespect. You need to show her this by being strong and focusing on respect until that it restored. Refuse to have her talk to you about anything while she is disrespectful. Turn a deaf ear and let her know the communication can continue when you are both calm enough not to turn it ugly. Do not give her an answer to anything - the focus is the communication itself, not the subject of what she wants.

    When my daughter was 16 - 18 years old, we went through several, " you will not talk to me until you can do so respectfully" times. When her mouth got bad, I would tell her that she is not allowed to ask anything of me until she can be respectful for a week or more! I held to it and whenever she wanted something I would remind her of the timeline which would and did start over several times until I felt she could be respectful.

    She needs your example of how to make people treat you with respect so some day she can see that she also wants that respect from those she spends time with.

    I spend a lot of my few moments with Diva encouraging her to follow her dreams and for her to make the choices to make sure she is happy. I tell her to avoid people who make her unhappy.

    Detachment is not the terrible thing that it can feel like. It is acknowledging that she is her own person whose unhealthy choices can not take you down. That you have given her the tools but because you are mom she is disregarding them. I have learned that Diva does consider my input at times so continue to give positive encouragement when you can. Words that empower her to take control of her life, that you believe in her abilities to meet her goals. If she can see you as a strong person, it will more likely help her absorb what you do want to tell her.

    My Diva is also almost 22 years old. I know the heartache of watching her being unhappy in a large part of her life. Seeing her bound to someone who will hold her back. So sad when this is suppose to be a wonderful time in their lives. They are facing their futures and still an unhealthy choice is holding them back.
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just sending you hugs Dotty. This is quite a huge life situation and you are doing well to talk it out and seek therapy. Hang in there and continue being strong. (which means, being real in my opinion, not stuffing feelings!)

    Luv, Dee