Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AlaskanMom, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. AlaskanMom

    AlaskanMom New Member

    Our 35 year old daughter and I had been best friends (that's HER description) until 6 years ago when she suddenly cut off all communications, blocked me online, refused to answer the phone, returned birthday cards unopened, refused to let us have ANY connection with her 3 children, totally rejected any and all attempts to find out what was wrong. Six years!!

    Last Christmas, our oldest son passed away and a couple days later, she showed up at our house. I was thrilled and hugged her. She said that she had been thinking about reconciling, and she wanted to bring her children to see us, but warned us that she had "told them everything about us" (?) how "toxic we are and how emotionally abusive we are" (?). I dropped it because I was in the middle of grieving for our son and wasn't ready for such an aggressive approach from her. We haven't seen her since that surprise visit (6 months ago) and for some strange reason, she has gone back to total rejection and the one "goodbye email" I got from her talked (again) about how toxic we are. I have no idea what she's talking about. Not a clue. She and her family used to come to the house EVERY Sunday for dinner (for many years) and we had turned one of the bedrooms into a toy room with tons of stuff for the kids (dress up chest, toys, etc.). She lives 60 miles from us and she would call me and ask me to watch the kids, so I would pick up the kids and they would stay for several days, then I'd take them back home. We loaned them money, fixed their car, we bought the kids school clothes, etc.

    So, where the "toxic" stuff enters in I haven't a clue. Should I just back off and let her come to me?
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You could send a card expressing how you feel about her. Something positive. You could express sorrow at the changes in your relationship to her, and you might offer to talk it over with her whenever she is ready. You could sign it, "Love you, honey."

    I think it is important for you to maintain your own boundaries ~ especially now, while you are still grieving and so vulnerable.

    I am very sorry to hear that you lost your son.

    Are you in a grief support program?

    Holding you in my thoughts.

  3. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. ItsT be even harder for you not having contact with your daughter after she gave you such hope albeit fleetingly. Is she referring to her teenage years as being toxic? How was your relationship with her like then? Was she rebellious? I'm asking because my daughter and I had a fraught time when she was a teenager. She was my eldest rude, slamming doors, swearing at me, hating me really. It all started when her Dad left after he had an affair. She always blamed me. I reacted by trying to talk to her to help her and I get on better. Sometimes I had to ground her as I'm not a hitter more of a shouter. This year I have had a terrible time with her and she said that I was a terrible mother toxic and mistreating her when a teenager. She has a two year old daughter whom I adore and close to. My daughter had decided that she no longer wants me in her life. I'am devastated. I even tried to go to a family therapist with her. She refused to go a second time. I do believe that we could work things through if we continued. My advice to you is similar to Scent of Cedar who has sound advice. Write to her ask her if she would go see a family therapist with you. Perhaps you can work through things with her. I know exactly how you feel I have a room full of toys, a cot, a stroller, garden toys and my heart breaks when I go in my grand daughters room. Please try to write and see if she is willing to try. We are all here for you. Hugs
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I for one think your daughter behaved cruelly. In the midst of grieving the loss of your son, her brother, she attacks you unmercifully, for what? What did she gain, except to hurt you?

    I would think long and hard about the conditions under which I would open myself up to more. I would think about taking charge and establishing what my limits are. How I could be protected sufficiently to risk exposing myself more.

    We cut ourselves off from our children who are living badly, are homeless and using drugs. We do so both to spare ourselves further pain and to make a statement to them how inappropriate have been their choices. We do so to take a stand for the people we know that we raised them to be.

    Why not in this situation, when our children behave cruelly, impossibly hurtfully?

    While we as parents need to hear our children, their perceptions of us as parents, their perceptions of their lives as children, we do not have to submit ourselves to be their victims, and to be cruelly punished or disrespected by them.

    I might speak to a therapist first, to really know up front your vulnerabilities, and how to protect yourself. I do not know if I would be ready to take the next step, without really, really understanding what is at stake for me.
  5. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Copa as usual you are thinking much more clearly than me! You are right it was so cruel of her to give her mum hope at such a sad time only to rip it away. It's so cruel and I too have felt this cruelty at the hands of my eldest daughter. Good advice for Alaskanmom to go see a therapist and get some strategies on how to deal with it. From my own personal experience the therapist I saw with my daughter was very fair and that is why my daughter refused to go again. Perhaps I should have gone alone to a therapist maybe I need to go now as does Alaskanmom as its very difficult situation. Especially considering the grief that Alaskanmom has to deal with toox
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    And she on purpose told her grieving mother that she had denounced her to her own grandchild as toxic and abusive. How bad is that???? Very, very wrong. To both mother and daughter.

    Be kind to yourself Lioness. You are recovering. You like most of us still blames herself for things that have not been your fault, are not your fault.

    You are still willing to take too much responsibility for that which YOU DID NOT DO.

    You learned as a child to do that. Not everything in life is your fault!!!!! Or your responsibility to fix!!!!!

    I seem to feel very emphatic today!!!!

  7. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Oh Copa! You know me so well. I'm feeling weak today as I actually saw my grand daughter 4 times in the space of a week. My daughter and I got on and she even gave me a goodbye kiss. Then she's awol again I.e. No communication. I made the stupid mistake of texting her to see how she is and said "I miss you". I am a big fool. I got a short text saying she's busy and an "I love you". My request for a picture of my grand daughter fell on deaf ears. i am out in the cold again! Loves me loves me not is to torture. I am damaged goods! I must keep re reading everyone's advice as I keep making same mistakes! Thanks. For understanding!
  8. AlaskanMom

    AlaskanMom New Member

    I tried to send our daughter a letter, telling her how much I loved her and telling her that I was sorry for anything and everything that I had ever done that made her feel uncomfortable. She sent the letter back unopened. She refused a phone call and when I tried to send her a friendly email, she blocked my address.Oh!!, one other accusation she had was that she was certain I was stalking her on the Internet (?). I think it is hopeless, but I can not thank you enough for the warm encouragement, it means the world to me.
  9. AlaskanMom

    AlaskanMom New Member

    I apologize if I hit the wrong "quote" or "reply" button, I'm new to this page, so please be patient. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyones encouragement, it means so much. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of self doubt, sadness for the loss of our son, and for the estrangement from our daughter. Especially since I have no clue what I did to make her reject me for SIX YEARS. I have tried everything I know to tell her how much she is loved and that we miss her terribly, but I have to agree with the person who said that my daughter telling her young children (15, 10, 9) that we are toxic, is unforgivable, especially since we have always been VERY close to the children and spent loads of time with them. I know there is no single answer to this sadness, but your help and encouragement and especially the fact that you have reminded me that I HAVE been a good mom......well, that helps. It's easy to condemn myself. Thank you so much.
  10. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    AlaskanMom, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. I believe that our Borderline children reinvent a reality to suit their own purpose, whether it's for attention or for sympathy or for only God knows what.

    I do know that, at least in my case, she will rip my heart right out of my chest, take a big bloody bite out of it, then offer it back to me with a guileless smile.

    I just don't get it. I did not like my own mother...she was terrible to me and my sister...she even told me once, tearfully, that she was sure that I was miserable because I knew deep down that if abortion had been legal when she found out she was pregnant with me that I wouldn't be here...she was an awful mother...but still I would never in a million years have deliberately done anything to hurt her. Not even in my fantasies!

    I don't understand why kids like ours seem to find pleasure in inflicting as much pain on us as possible. Is there something in the water?
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    AlaskaMom, this happened in my family. My Mother had two girls. I was the one that felt I could not have a relationship with my mother. I had thought it was justified.

    I lived over 40 years apart from her. While we reconciled 20 years before her death and spoke on the phone regularly I saw her infrequently. I was able to care for her as she died and was with her for her last breath.

    Neither one of us got what we wanted or needed from the other. Her dying and death brought a despair that now almost 2 years later continues still. I loved my Mother with an intensity and with a longing that I never knew. I loved her madly as she died. I longed for her after she was gone. With an agony.

    These things happen between mothers and daughters.

    When I broke off from my mother she never called. She did not write. She went on with her life. She had fun. She had boyfriends. She went to college. She had success in her work. She had a life.

    While I think she felt sorry for herself, I do not think she thought about me. How it was for me.

    There was nothing about me that would make you think that I did not deserve a mother. Or a family.

    There was sadness for both of us. Sometimes it is what it is.

    You deserve a loving daughter. You do not deserve this.

    There is a sadness for both of you. Sometimes it is what it is.

    And there is nothing more to say.

    I would do anything in the world to have my mother back to have a second chance.

    You would do anything in the world to have another chance with your daughter. Maybe that day will come for you. But it is not in your control to make it happen right now. You have tried.

    Sometimes it is what it is.

    Do what you can do to be happy.

    I am so sorry for your pain.
  12. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Copa that is such a sad story about your relationship with your Mum. I don't want to end up not speaking to my daughter for the next X amount of years. The thought of not seeing her and my grand daughter is unbearable. How do I and Akaskanmom avoid it? Your mum detached from you and you felt unwanted as she didn't try yet Alaskanmom and I keep trying and our daughters keep stabbing us in the heart with a smiling face. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't! So many people/families fractured and in pain. My mum too used to say she wished she had aborted me and some mornings she would say "I hope you get knocked down dead by a bus" this is what she would say as I set off for school! I despair. I m sure having all had a rough childhood we have tried to be better mothers and done our best. Why isn't this enough?
  13. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    So sorry
    So sorry Tess I mixed you up with Copa. Just want to say how sorry iam for your sad childhood and I fully understand and empathise with you. We need to remember that we tried to be good mothers, no doubt mistakes are made but we are human after all.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A perfect question for me today!!! I love to watch Investigative Discovery which is true crime. Today a forensics psychologist was asked why a particular mother, who was tired of her husband, had him killed and didn't just divorce him. He said, and not exactly but he meant this: "These people do not think like us. They are hard or impossible to deal with or to understand as their rationalizations and thought processes are not the norm and will never be the norm. This is why we can never believe what they do and why it is not fixable." This can apply to our Difficult Child too. Most I believe are steeped in addiction, but there is more for some. Addiction alone does not make one reject us for nothing or think about things that never happened. Addiction plus personality disorders are the worst, but personality disordered people do not think like us and unless they want help to learn how others think, because they don't get it, they will stay the same. And most personality disordered individuals believe they are normal so that makes it really hard to talk them into wanting to change. They lie to themselves and never need any correction or help...they may do one normal thing then the next day act like you abused them. We can control NOBODY but us, but we have less control of personality disordered people than any others because they NEVER listen to reason or to common sense. That makes for a rocky, unstable, abusive relationship and even criminal activity against us or others, even if the drug use (if they do it) stops.

    And they don't have a conscience when they do bad things to people. They feel the other person deserved it.

    It is best to get on with your own life because there is no predictability with a personality disordered individual. It is allchaos/all the time. It is no way to live, even with a beloved child that we raised right. They think differently than we do and it is not our faults.
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  15. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    These people do not think like us. Sad but true :(
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, very sad. But we can see it. We know this is true. We just don't like to admit that some people, especially loved ones will not change due to wiring differences in the brain and refusal to believe they need to get help.
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There is a consensus here on the site that genetics plays its part in the choices our kids make, Lioness. It could be that your daughter is afflicted with whatever it was that drove your mom to say the horrible things she said.

    That is one of the worst things I have ever heard of a mom saying to her child. What in the world was she thinking!

    I am so sorry that happened to you, Lioness. No one deserves to be told such terrible things.

  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thank you, SWOT.

  19. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Thank you Cedar. But you know after a while I was used to it and it didn't bother me. It's only now that my daughter is being so cruel & spiteful that those words come back to me. I was also called a slut, stupid and useless. I know Iam not but somehow my mothers rejection is tangled with my daughters. DNA does seem to play a part. Hugs
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is the thing Lioness. That you do not want to accept. A relationship involves two people. It cannot be with just one. The fact that this is unbearable to you does not change this one bit.

    You do not control your daughter. You cannot make her love you or to feel love for you.

    Whether you want this bad situation. Whether you like this bad situation. Matters not at all to her.

    She gets to decide for her. And you for yourself.

    She will always control herself. She will always do as she wishes. It may be wrong. She may be wrong. She may love you underneath and become agonized when you die. Or not.

    You must accept that it is as it is. Or you will suffer.

    I am not saying that your suffering is not important. It is important to you. I surely wish you did not suffer. But your suffering will not change one thing in the reality of things with your daughter.

    The reality is that your daughter does not choose to be in a loving relationship with you. That makes you sad. What on earth can you do to make her act loving? Is there one thing that you can think of?

    Of course you do not have to accept the reality of things. You can continue to beg her...and allow yourself to be hurt and demeaned.

    I wish this was not the situation for you. It is. There is nobody that can help you find a way to magically make her do as you want, to love you.

    Either continue to suffer or accept it and go on. Those are the only choices that you have. I wish things were different. That you could make her into somebody she does not want to be. There is not.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2015