Need help (or an intervention) - she stepped up her game

[Littleboylost]

So, it's almost like she knows the much needed vacation for hubby and I is right around the corner.

Daughter has been living (I'm sure quite well on the $$$ she ripped off from the GoFundMe accounts) in Nepal since November. In the meantime, she's had a few ups & downs since my last post in June. Of course, she kept an on-and-off relationship with the "abusive" boyfriend. In May she decided to "slash" her arm. She called from the hospital to say she had lost 5 litres of blood (Really??? You only have 5 litres in your body), severed 3 arteries (there are only 2 where she cut but maybe she grew a 3rd one) and went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance. From the photo she sent it looks to be a 4 inch slash requiring about 16 stitches. Says she's had some issues with police when drinking. So now she has overstayed her visa big-time and needs to get out of the country. She tried to land-cross into India and got busted for being 55 days over her visa limit. Said she became ill on the bus and was taken to the hospital in the city where she had been staying and supposedly told she had "fatty liver" (drama #1). Told her to stop the alcohol/drugs and high fat foods. She then went to Kathmandu to "deal with her overstay/visa" (drama #2). Today she called to say she is being deported and that she needs me to pay for her flight back to Canada (drama #3). Told her NO. No money. She said, "at least $500 then." I said, NO. Sorry. Can't help but I'm sure you'll figure it out. I don't believe that she is being officially "deported" but rather being told to pay the fine and get out of the country. If they really wanted to deport her, they would pay for her flight out. She's not being detained but says they are 'holding her passport for the weekend until the government offices open up again on Monday." I can't separate the lies from the truths anymore.

I'm not taking her back in our house. I sent her the web page info from our government's website that says they will give an emergency loan for a flight back if you are without sufficient means, with repayment to be made in 30 days. She can figure out the details from there.

And of course, we had to go and do something really "dramatic" and allowed a friend (in fact, she is one of daughter's former respite workers from way back, who we've kept a strong relationship with) to move in temporarily, as she has found herself in a bad way. She's been with us a few weeks now and does pull her weight as far as household chores go - more than our daughter ever did - but she has some things to sort out and they weigh on us a bit. I think we are viewing her as our "surrogate daughter", who actually wants and needs some help, unlike our own daughter. We thought that with our friend being at the house, we had someone to care for our animals, keep the house safe, etc.

Now all I'm worrying about is daughter coming home and bullying her way into the house. This just sucks the life out of me.

My niece is Bipolar as is my sister. They got tattoos together one a polar bear the other a penguin and they say together their bipolar Niece had a baby while abusing drugs and alcohol he is 4 and developmentally delayed and non verbal. She was selling all of his things given to her to fuel her drug habit. The Boy was given to my sister And boyfriend number 3 in the last 2 years. Poor kid doesn't stand a chance. My sister self medicates and does not seek proper care she goes off the deep end every now and then. Her daughter is way out there self medicating and still abusing drugs. It is very sad. I steer clear of them and the drama o just can not take it.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, DoneDad. Yes. We hAd to be careful of people like this, who enjoyed being ill, when I worked in a hospital. Daughter seems to be a patient too often and is quite dramatic about it and seems to like getting sympathy for her rather recurring hospitalizations. I do not think she tells the truth much. I feel she is somebody you need to protect yourself from. She is a very skilled con artist. I am sorry to sound so harsh about her. Take care of yourself...you need to save yourself and marriage in my opinion. Dont keep trying to rescue people in need. I had a dear friend, now deceased, who took people in constantly. Needy people. They took such bad advantage of her. She was about to stop doing if, then she got cancer...and none of them came to care for her. Luckily she had good family and friends because those she had tried to take care of were long gone.

Most people who cant ever catch a break...or who seem needy and even helpless ..just dont do what is needed to get in a better position and we cant fix them.

 

[Littleboylost]

Minchuasens is a sad mental disorder. I have seen a couple of cases in my day. One ended in the death of a Cardiac Resident. She was medicating herself into heart arrhythmias and electolight imbalances. She was so ill form her disease she wound up ventilated with a tracheostomy and would put anything down her tracheostomy she could get her hands on. She ended up dying and at a very young age.

 

[Snow White]

Again, thank you for your sage comments - you have no idea how much they help.

Your daughter can only get in your house if you allow it. It is 100% your choice. Your daughter is the same as always. She is lying, freeloading, asking for money etc. Dont let her bully you. Dont communicate with her, if necessary.

My view is nothing you have said or done over the past year or so has changed her behavior one bit. If she can scheme and con she can seek help if she chooses. Not your circus not your monkey.

Love the, "Not your circus, not your monkey." So true!!!

It's nice you want to nurture someone, but you need a break...maybe a puppy!

We already have 2 rescue dogs - my husband would shoot me if I brought another one home!

I would be concerned that your house guest/daughter's friend might let her in the house.

Our friend (former respite worker) has been amazing to us over the years - even when she was no longer working with us, she was the first person on the scene when daughter would run away or get into trouble. We like to think of this very temporary help as paying it back. She won't be with us for very long and has always lived independently, so this is not the permanent setting she is seeking. And I know for sure she will have no issues calling the police if daughter shows up at the house while we are away. That makes us feel better about leaving on the trip.

Please remember only she can realize who she is and change herself. You deserve to enjoy the rest of your life.

You are so right, SWOT! We are trying to move forward with our lives.

Daughter seems to be a patient too often and is quite dramatic about it and seems to like getting sympathy for her rather recurring hospitalizations. I do not think she tells the truth much. I feel she is somebody you need to protect yourself from. She is a very skilled con artist. I am sorry to sound so harsh about her.

It's Munchausen syndrome.

Munchuasens is a sad mental disorder. I have seen a couple of cases in my day. One ended in the death of a Cardiac Resident.

That is so sad, Littleboylost.

We had a meeting with some staff at the treatment program she was in until age 18. It was really nice that they pulled her file and did a full review. Husband & I need some professional help but are not sure where there are services that address our daughter's issues. The team agreed to meet with us given their extensive history with her. After the review and an update on her recent activities, it was the consensus of the group that her Cluster B traits are in full bloom now (histrionic, borderline, narcissistic and a bit of antisocial) along with her ADHD. The diagnosis we weren't expecting from the team was addict. Daughter's history of Munchausen-like behaviour has allowed her to receive many pain killers along the way. When she doesn't have pills she goes for alcohol, which brings out the violence. We were advised to seek help through the addictions foundation here. We were also advised NOT to let her back into the house. Psychiatrist told us that (after you take away all the psychological B.S.) there are 3 components to addictive behaviour:
1. Lying
2. Lying
3. Lying
Pretty smart psychiatrist - he knows her very well even after not seeing her for 8 years.

Only a couple of hours after I posted here yesterday, daughter emailed me the most vile email I have seen in a while. The rant went on forever. But absolutely nowhere in the email did she mention the "dire consequence" she is in (i.e. being deported), how she promises she is going to change and go for treatment, etc. It was all a personal attack on us and how she is going to set boundaries with us! I am not responding to the bait - it's so hard to not respond but I know we will just be doing the dance if I do.

 

[Littleboylost]

Again, thank you for your sage comments - you have no idea how much they help.




Love the, "Not your circus, not your monkey." So true!!!


We already have 2 rescue dogs - my husband would shoot me if I brought another one home!


Our friend (former respite worker) has been amazing to us over the years - even when she was no longer working with us, she was the first person on the scene when daughter would run away or get into trouble. We like to think of this very temporary help as paying it back. She won't be with us for very long and has always lived independently, so this is not the permanent setting she is seeking. And I know for sure she will have no issues calling the police if daughter shows up at the house while we are away. That makes us feel better about leaving on the trip.


You are so right, SWOT! We are trying to move forward with our lives.





That is so sad, Littleboylost.

We had a meeting with some staff at the treatment program she was in until age 18. It was really nice that they pulled her file and did a full review. Husband & I need some professional help but are not sure where there are services that address our daughter's issues. The team agreed to meet with us given their extensive history with her. After the review and an update on her recent activities, it was the consensus of the group that her Cluster B traits are in full bloom now (histrionic, borderline, narcissistic and a bit of antisocial) along with her ADHD. The diagnosis we weren't expecting from the team was addict. Daughter's history of Munchausen-like behaviour has allowed her to receive many pain killers along the way. When she doesn't have pills she goes for alcohol, which brings out the violence. We were advised to seek help through the addictions foundation here. We were also advised NOT to let her back into the house. Psychiatrist told us that (after you take away all the psychological B.S.) there are 3 components to addictive behaviour:
1. Lying
2. Lying
3. Lying
Pretty smart psychiatrist - he knows her very well even after not seeing her for 8 years.

Only a couple of hours after I posted here yesterday, daughter emailed me the most vile email I have seen in a while. The rant went on forever. But absolutely nowhere in the email did she mention the "dire consequence" she is in (i.e. being deported), how she promises she is going to change and go for treatment, etc. It was all a personal attack on us and how she is going to set boundaries with us! I am not responding to the bait - it's so hard to not respond but I know we will just be doing the dance if I do.

psychological B.S.) there are 3 components to addictive behaviour:
1. Lying
2. Lying
3. Lying
Pretty smart psychiatrist - he knows her very well even after not seeing her for 8 years.

That is a great great great analogy! Your daughter certainly has a mixed issue and a complex one. But once again not choosing help or treatment. Keep sane and take the advice of the professionals.

 

[Cheerwyn]

Mcdonna, I was wondering how you were doing and I'm sorry that you're still dealing with your daughter's behavior. Was that meeting with the treatment team recent? Because they really seem to have completely nailed it.

You are doing the right thing by not responding to her. You are her convenient whipping boy, where she can focus her rage rather than dealing with her own issues. If you have a chance, Google "Extinction Burst" with "Narcissism." When a disordered person can no longer get that satisfying, predictable reaction from a loved one, she ramps it up, hoping that the verbal assault gets so bad that she will eventually get a response. It may get worse before it gets better, but stand strong in not responding to such abusive communication.

And I find it interesting that she keeps using the term "neglect." That is normally used when talking about underage, vulnerable children. She is an adult. You are not obligated to take care of her.

You seem to be such a caring and kind person, which makes it even harder to come to the realization that nothing you can do can really help your daughter. She has to take charge of her own life, her own recovery, her own mental health.

 

[Albatross]

Oh no, McDonna. The drama continues. You and Hubs are sure handling it well. So glad you were able to tap into such good advice. It sounds like she is in full-on mode now -- I think you are so wise to not engage. Stay strong!

 

[susiestar]

Make super sure you have legal documents drawn up with the house sitter showing that your daughter is NOT allowed to be anywhere on your property for any reason. I would have this notarized and give her several copies in case your daughter shows up and calls the cops. The house sitter can show the cops her ID and the letter and say she is the property owner's representative and the young lady who called is not allowed on the property and is not allowed to remove anything from the property for any reason under any circumstances. It just helps to protect both you and your house sitter. Then if your daughter pushes her way in with her bags and the cops don't know what to do, or how long she has been there, the house sitter can prove she has no right to be there under any circumstances.

I think the doctors who met with you and summed up your daughter hit her condition admirably. I am sure she will do all she can to scheme her way into whatever she can. I think you truly need to remember a piece of advice my aunt is forever handing out to people. I first heard it when I was about 10, at least that I remember.

No is a complete sentence.

You would be so shocked at how often a simple 'No' saves you from being taken advantage of. I have heard so many ways to sell products, and most of them don't work if the person you approach just says No. They say No and then give you a reason. That reason is an opening. It is room for a con, for some psychological manipulation or sales ploy or advertising technique.

Your daughter is a very disturbed person, but sadly she can't be helped until she admits she needs help. Until her cons and manipulations don't work, that won't ever happen. I wouldn't hold out hope that she would ever accept help, but I would stop any and all efforts of hers to manipulate you, simply by saying a flat 'No" to all of her requests. Or at least any requests that you would not answer yes to any stranger who walked up to you off of the street, cold though that may sound. She likely will not ever understand this, or forgive you, but it will greatly protect you in the long run.

With this in mind, please make out your wills, living wills, advanced care directives, etc... so that you are not ever left to her not so tender mercies at any stage of your life. As a teen we had elderly neighbors who had narcissistic adult children who were horrible people. The adult children sold the family property (around my parent's property) out from under their parents and forced them into a really substandard nursing home. I have seen what ugly things can happen if you don't take care to be sure your disturbed adult kids cannot get control of you. Take steps NOW to be very sure this will not happen to you EVER.

 

[Littleboylost]

No is a complete sentence.

That is a great statement!