Need help...throwing up my hands

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sizzlelene, Jun 12, 2017.

  1. sizzlelene

    sizzlelene New Member

    My difficult daughter is now 27. We started having problems with her at about age 12. Would not cooperate in school, failed 7th grade. Got her to a psychologist. Eventually I was told that she has borderline personality disorder. Paid good money to send her to a specialized school...they tried but she was difficult there. Went back to public school eventually sent to alternative school. Was not successful even then but fell in with other challenging kids and began to smoke marijuana. Would take off for days at a time with older and shady men. Called the police each time. Clearly I did not know how to handle this child and the psychologists did not help much.

    Fast forward, she got her GED and started attending community college at age 19. What hope I had! However, she met another loser guy who actually indulged her with as much marijuana as she wanted. So she stopped going to school and smoked constantly. Then she decided she wanted more money than this dude could give her so she discovered the world of prostitution. She advertised on Backpage and probably picked up on the street, I don't know. Made and spent a lot of money. She loves to shop. Ended up with 3 stays in the psychiatric ER for bipolar disorder, paranoia, marijuana and alcoholism. Took her home each time, desperately hoping that a corner has been turned this time. She immediately refused to take her medications and only saw the psychiatric for a short time. There is nothing wrong with her as far as she is concerned. Will not work, have charges against her for theft in stores and assault on her brother, will not further her education. Actually, she has told me that I am supposed to take care of her for the rest of MY life. At this point, I am selling my house and moving to another State...I can't participate anymore.

    She now has no money but wants to move to a hotel to restart her prostitution business. Am I enabling her by giving her 2 weeks hotel charges as she has begged of me ? I am having troubling leaving her penniless. She absolutely refuses to obtain relevant services from the State such as job recovery, housing, etc. I am throwing in the towel preparing to hear the worst news. Thanks so much for reading this. Some much has been distressing.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    YOUR ADULT CHILD IS 27. That is in no way a child. I know that if my adult child asked for money for a hotel to prostitute herself I would calmly say (i believe in calm) "i cant stop you from ruining your life, but there is no way I am going to help you do it with my money. No way."

    If she prostitutes herself she will have more money than you after one nights work.

    She is not your little girl anymore. She is a grown woman who wants to have money the easy way. I dont think she is a victim. She is street smart and knows full well what sheis doing. Sadly, her behavior is typical of borderline personality disorder. And most borderlines think nothing is wrong with them so they never accept help to change. You can not help her. Often our help actually hurts them. And us.

    You will do what you need to do, but to me it makes no sense to help her become a prostitute. You dont approve of it.why fund it? She will be fine financially. Emotionally, this is her path to walk. It is insane that you even listen to her telling you that you have to take care of a grown woman all your life. Insane.Your daughter is trying to manipulate you. She lies. Did your mother take care of you all your life? That is not the way life works.


    What I think you really need to do is to take good care of YOU for the rest of your life. The only person you can fix is yourself. Nobody else.

    Love and light!
     
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    You have found the right place for support here. I don't post often, but there is a lot wisdom and compassion in the replies from members. You are probably enabling her, but that might be just where you are. We each have our own journey and asking the question shows awareness. Because of having an adult borderline daughter myself, I know that the choices we face are hard, and I vacillate between enabling and resentment, but I am learning to put self-care and my well-being foremost. It feels selfish, but I know it is the right thing to do. Your daughter will keep you in a FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt to get what she wants. My situation is further complicated because my 36 year old daughter has two small children and is on the verge of being homeless. No matter how much I've helped, she hasn't changed for the better. She rallies for a little while, but then everything falls apart. Like you, I plan to move when I retire in 3 years. I am not running away from my problems, but I do not want live with the constant stress and pressure by her to be rescued. There's no reciprocity of kindness and concern - only blame. Be kind to yourself.
     
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  4. sizzlelene

    sizzlelene New Member

    Thank you, thank you for your wise advice. I know that I am doing the right thing now at this point. I only wish that I had done it sooner...so many regrets but I can only move forward. So heartbreaking but I am so glad that I found this site. Thanks for your validation and support...I am definitely in need.
     
  5. butterfyl

    butterfyl New Member

    Hi I am in the same boat as you. It started when she was 14. I know she was a victim of trafficking but now she is 21. I am raising her daughter whom I have had since birth. I struggle wanting to recuse her because I now they brainwashed her and yet feel like she could get out, she could got to police. She lives in an evil and violent world and I have PTSD from all she has exposed me to.
    I set very strong boundaries with her and have blocked her at times. It is hard to accept that I have no control over this and nothing I do or don't do will change it.

    I continue to choose life, have gone back to school and got a license in the medical field. But my heart hurts most of the time and I miss her.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that your daughter has exposed you to this. Kudos for setting and maintaining strong boundaries. It would be good to start your own thread when you can. From the main Parent Emeritus page, click on"Post New Thread" and then go from there. It is also very important to create a signature, like the one at the bottom of my post. This helps us know your story and keep everything straight. It is very hard to remember everything. If we don't know that you have other kids, we may not give you relevant information, ditto if you have an elderly parent living with you, or furbabies or any of a million other details of life. Signatures really are incredibly important!

    It is wonderful that you are raising your grandchild. Truly an incredible gift that you are giving to your grandbaby. She gets a life free of her mother's lifestyle and with the richness only a grandparent can give her. It is just hard to be a grandparent raising a grandchild, I am sure. I hope and pray that your daughter won't get pregnant again. That probably would be the one thing I would fund for a daughter in that lifestyle, a long term form of birth control. Just so that I would not have more grandchildren born from those choices.

    Know that this truly is a soft place to land and that we are here for you, no matter what the problem. None of us will judge you. Some of us are more blunt than others, but we ALL know that you can only do what seems possible from where you are right now. We don't judge you for not doing what we think we would do in your shoes.

    There is an article on detachment that is the 3rd from the top on the Parent Emeritus forum. You might find it extremely helpful, many of us do. I know I have!

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  7. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Here is the link to the article >> Article on Detachment
    Read this article and re-read it over and over. Loving detachment does not mean you are abandoning your daughter. You are setting her and yourself free with healthy boundaries to stop the unhealthy enabling.

    You are in the right place. I just want to welcome you to this forum. You will surely find much comfort, support, guidance here. We understand and have all been through similar despair, heartache, confusion, FOG - (fear, obligation, guilt) , as I know you have. It is a relief to find others who understand, and to know you are not alone. Stay with us here. I am short on time right now, but others will also be along.
    Read others' posts and threads on this site, and you will find much insight and wisdom. We are all helping each other, and in this together. Take care.