Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Need help to stop enabling...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 713989" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Summer24, I'm glad that you reached out to us here.</p><p></p><p>The good thing here is that you recognize that you are enabling them. That's a good place to start.</p><p>The biggest lesson to learn from enabling is that we do more harm than good. You think you are helping your daughter but you are actually hurting her. You are not allowing her to face life's natural consequences.</p><p>Is it painful to watch our adult children struggle and suffer, yes it is but it's also a good thing as they learn.</p><p></p><p>This story about the struggle of a butterfly is a great illustration.</p><p><em>One day, a man saw a cocoon. He saw the cocoon with a tiny opening. It meant that the butterfly was trying to make its way out to enjoy the world. He decided to watch how the butterfly would come out of the cocoon. He was watching the butterfly struggling to break the shell for several hours. He spent almost more than 10 hours with the cocoon and the butterfly. The butterfly had been struggling very hard for hours to come out through the tiny opening. Unfortunately, even after continuous attempts for several hours, there was no progress. It seemed that the butterfly had tried its best and could not give any more try. </em></p><p> <em>The man, who had a passion and love for butterflies, decided to help the butterfly. He got a pair of scissors and tweaked the cocoon to make larger opening for the butterfly and removed the remaining cocoon. The butterfly emerged without any struggle! </em></p><p> <em>Unfortunately, the butterfly looked no longer beautiful and had a swollen body with small and withered wings. </em></p><p> <em>The man was happy that he had made the butterfly come out of the cocoon without any more struggles. He continued to watch the butterfly and was quite eager to see it fly with its beautiful wings. He thought that at any time, the butterfly might expand its wings, shrink the body and the wings could support the body. Unfortunately, neither did the wings expand nor the swollen body reduce. </em></p><p> <em>Unfortunately, the butterfly just crawled around with withered wings and a huge body. It was never able to fly. Although the man did it with a good intention, he did not know that only by going through struggles the butterfly can emerge to be beautiful, with strong wings. </em></p><p> <em>The continuous effort from the butterfly to come out of its cocoon would let the fluid stored in the body be converted into wings. Thus, the body would become lighter and smaller, and the wings would be beautiful and large. </em></p><p><em>Struggle in life is necessary for growth.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I highly suggest that you find a personal counselor if you don't already have one. A good counselor can help you understand the co-dependent relationship you have with your daughter.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion for you is simple, it's time to detach from your daughter and let her struggle on her own. You said she makes good money so there should be no reason for you to pay all the extra you are paying.</p><p>Her soon to be husband should be able to find a job regardless of his felony record. Your soon to be son in law is most likely using his felony record as an excuse. My son has done the same thing but has also landed a few really good jobs but he always quits. Your soon to be son in law just may see you as a gravy train. Why should he work? Your daughter works and if there is need for more money they have you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If you want to go back into this house then you have to give them a clear move out date. However, you need to be very careful in how you do this. They are renting a house you pay a mortgage on. Did you have them sign a lease? If you did not then you need to. I am a landlord so I am giving you solid advice here.</p><p>You need to have a lease signed by both of them. You need to make sure the lease is for a specific amount of time, typically one year but can also be 6 months. Make the timing of this coordinate to when you want to move back into that house. You need to make sure the lease has a late charge assessed for late payments. You need to keep good records of how they pay. If they pay in cash make sure you write them a receipt and you keep a copy.</p><p>Now, when the time comes for you to move back into that house, you need to send them a certified letter, make sure they have to sign for it, telling them their lease will be ending on certain date and that it will not be renewed and they need to be out by certain date. Giving them a 60 day notice would more than fair. This is where it can get tricky. They may not move out. If this happens you will need to start an eviction process.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line, you say you want to stop enabling and that is a good thing for you and your daughter. By doing this you will help her to grow stronger and more independent. Please don't let the fear of "what if's" stop you.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and let us know how things are going.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 713989, member: 18516"] Hi Summer24, I'm glad that you reached out to us here. The good thing here is that you recognize that you are enabling them. That's a good place to start. The biggest lesson to learn from enabling is that we do more harm than good. You think you are helping your daughter but you are actually hurting her. You are not allowing her to face life's natural consequences. Is it painful to watch our adult children struggle and suffer, yes it is but it's also a good thing as they learn. This story about the struggle of a butterfly is a great illustration. [I]One day, a man saw a cocoon. He saw the cocoon with a tiny opening. It meant that the butterfly was trying to make its way out to enjoy the world. He decided to watch how the butterfly would come out of the cocoon. He was watching the butterfly struggling to break the shell for several hours. He spent almost more than 10 hours with the cocoon and the butterfly. The butterfly had been struggling very hard for hours to come out through the tiny opening. Unfortunately, even after continuous attempts for several hours, there was no progress. It seemed that the butterfly had tried its best and could not give any more try. The man, who had a passion and love for butterflies, decided to help the butterfly. He got a pair of scissors and tweaked the cocoon to make larger opening for the butterfly and removed the remaining cocoon. The butterfly emerged without any struggle! Unfortunately, the butterfly looked no longer beautiful and had a swollen body with small and withered wings. The man was happy that he had made the butterfly come out of the cocoon without any more struggles. He continued to watch the butterfly and was quite eager to see it fly with its beautiful wings. He thought that at any time, the butterfly might expand its wings, shrink the body and the wings could support the body. Unfortunately, neither did the wings expand nor the swollen body reduce. Unfortunately, the butterfly just crawled around with withered wings and a huge body. It was never able to fly. Although the man did it with a good intention, he did not know that only by going through struggles the butterfly can emerge to be beautiful, with strong wings. The continuous effort from the butterfly to come out of its cocoon would let the fluid stored in the body be converted into wings. Thus, the body would become lighter and smaller, and the wings would be beautiful and large. Struggle in life is necessary for growth. [/I] I highly suggest that you find a personal counselor if you don't already have one. A good counselor can help you understand the co-dependent relationship you have with your daughter. My suggestion for you is simple, it's time to detach from your daughter and let her struggle on her own. You said she makes good money so there should be no reason for you to pay all the extra you are paying. Her soon to be husband should be able to find a job regardless of his felony record. Your soon to be son in law is most likely using his felony record as an excuse. My son has done the same thing but has also landed a few really good jobs but he always quits. Your soon to be son in law just may see you as a gravy train. Why should he work? Your daughter works and if there is need for more money they have you. If you want to go back into this house then you have to give them a clear move out date. However, you need to be very careful in how you do this. They are renting a house you pay a mortgage on. Did you have them sign a lease? If you did not then you need to. I am a landlord so I am giving you solid advice here. You need to have a lease signed by both of them. You need to make sure the lease is for a specific amount of time, typically one year but can also be 6 months. Make the timing of this coordinate to when you want to move back into that house. You need to make sure the lease has a late charge assessed for late payments. You need to keep good records of how they pay. If they pay in cash make sure you write them a receipt and you keep a copy. Now, when the time comes for you to move back into that house, you need to send them a certified letter, make sure they have to sign for it, telling them their lease will be ending on certain date and that it will not be renewed and they need to be out by certain date. Giving them a 60 day notice would more than fair. This is where it can get tricky. They may not move out. If this happens you will need to start an eviction process. Bottom line, you say you want to stop enabling and that is a good thing for you and your daughter. By doing this you will help her to grow stronger and more independent. Please don't let the fear of "what if's" stop you. Keep posting and let us know how things are going. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Need help to stop enabling...
Top