Need ideas on beach money

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jun 13, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Ahhhh you know occasionally you see the sunshine through the clouds, a bit of clarity,and a shining moment to cherish with your difficult child.

    Then they call and say that the fosters are going to the beach. Uh huh. And we are asked very nicely if we could watch the puppy. Uh huh. (we knew that was coming). Then the twisted thought process comes to fruition and it goes like this:

    yes Dude
    How are you?
    good, working my tail off.
    Really! That is super - you must have $$ for probation. Good.
    No, not really it's the 13th of June and I have to have $106 by 7/7
    Oh - well if you've been working - you should have it.
    No, see we're going to the beach and I need beach money.
    Well I am so glad you are finally getting to go on the first vacation of your life - (really no joke)
    Yeah me too but I need beach money
    Well you should have some money saved up.
    I do, but I'll spend it at the beach.
    Give it to your Foster Mom.
    Give it to me, I'll save it for you.
    NO, see - I need beach money.
    Well dont' you think probation fines are more important?
    So sounds like you are not going to the beach. Sounds like you are asking to come here while they GO to the beach?
    NO!!!!!!! If I come there - then we're just going to fight and argue and I'll end up in jail.
    ??????? WHAT for one week so you can pay your fines you couldnt' come here and say?
    Well then sounds like you arent going to have money to spend at the beach.
    I know.
    What is stressing you out?
    THE #)($#)(+_)!@)(#@ $ I have to pay to probation.
    Uh huh- and who do you have to thank for that?
    ME - It stresses me out so bad mom I'm getting an ulcer.
    Wow - you better use your medicaid card.
    I lost it -
    You better call and order a new one.
    Oh - you have food and stuff for your puppy for the week?
    Yes but.
    But what?
    Yes but I thought I would leave that here and have it when she came home.
    No - I watch your dog YOU pay for the food.
    Oh Okay - So that is MORE of my beach money.
    No that is your probation money but you're going to spend it at the beach- you'll have 2 weeks to work your butt off when you get back from vacation to save money for probation.
    Yeah and then it starts ALL over again - this is BS I'm getting sick to my stomach, I never get a break from this stuff.
    (Insert cricket chirping) Um.....Didn't I get you caught up? Wouldn't that be considered a break?
    Yeah but you know what I mean.
    No, I don't - unless you mean that you don't want to work and pay your fines.
    SEE?? SEE???? THIS is the stuff that makes me not be able to come home instead of going to the beach.
    (again crickets) Well Son - the offer is there if you want to make sure you don't go to jail - for violation of probation- stay home. If you think you can make $100 in 2 weeks go, and come back and work hard - save well. But that's not the wise thing. I'd give someone my money to hold.
    But then I won't have anything for the first vacation in my life Mom. MY LIFE S***S.
    I'm sorry you feel that way.
    Me TOO. So you're coming to get the pup after work? Oh and she has bad fleas again.
    Me - yes - I'll come get her.
    Okay Momma I gotta go, I'm sick to my stomach, and you know what Mom? I've been trying hard to not think about those bogus charges - but that woman said 15 years - and I can't even sleep anymore. I just keep thinking about it over and over, I'm really worried.
    (lump in my throat and a mee too) Well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it - but you have been doing an excellent job of working, school, paying your own fines - keep it up. It will mean something to the judge I'm sure.
    And what if it doesn't?
    Well then I meant something to you, you can do it when you put your mind to it.
    Sigh------I'm tired of trying Mom I'm 17 and tired sad huh?
    I love you son,
    I love you too mom.

    You know - a part of me wants so VERY badly to give him say $50.00 for beach money. Considering that he's never been able to go on a vacation with me. Some due to finances and most due to his behavior. So this really is the first time in say 15 years he's gone or done anything.

    The other part of me wants to say - GIVE ME your Beach money (if it is $75.) and hold it for him and tell him here - I'm giving you $50...that's what you have to spend for the week.

    What do you think? I don't want to "bail him out" but I'm trying to think that if he gives me the money he HAS for probation and doesn't spend it at the beach, and will WORK for the rest when he gets back - I will give him spending money of $50 -

    What would you do? Let him hang - or consider and factor into this that a/ he's never had a vacation b/probation should come first so this will be a hard lesson to learn and if I help - he won't learn anything or know that he's incapable ?

  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Dude thinks his life s****s? I think the life of a Mom s****s More!

    Is there something he can do for you to "earn" the $50 spending money? Yard work, cleaning gutters, weeding the garden?? You could offer it as money for the beach or offer it as a start to his fine money when he gets back.

    I don't know what the right thing to do is.... so I'm sending lots of hugs right now.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'd find some pathetic excuse to give him the $50. Maybe even do a here's the money, you will do X on your return from the beach. I don't think I could live with myself if I thought my child deserved a vacation and I could help her but didn't because she needed a life lesson. Some lessons can wait.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Bunny -

    That's what I was thinking, but I always doubt myself when it seems like we're getting "close" to his doing it on his own. Part of me WANTS to believe if I did nothing it would be the lesson that said to his brain - AH HA - no more of this. But the other part of me KNOWS - he's not going to get it on a large scale.

    I like the idea of handing him the money - Maybe I can hand it to him when I get the puppy - in trade ? (LOL) BAD mom -
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Yep, Star - I'm with Meow. Give him the money. It may be inconsistent and it may fly in the face of detachment, etc., but the kid has been working hard and doing what he's supposed to. You did a great job of keeping the fact that his life forcefully inhales on *his* shoulders - that doesn't mean you can't give him perqs occasionally when you're able and he's deserving.

    Life's too doggone short and our opportunities to be something other than enforcers of logical consequences are far too rare. in my humble opinion.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Give him the money but on the condition that you hold what he has earned towards probation. Is that too "mommy"? I KNOW our (collective) kids. I know that if Tink (even at her tender age) had saved money towards something, and I said here...since you have to SAVE that money, here is some to spend...she would want to bring some of what she saved ANYWAYS. Nothing is ever enough.

    I know that you know that I am not comparing your son to a 7YO, but Know what I mean?? Some things never change.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    The thing that gets a lump in my throat?

    If the charges Do stick - 15 years
    If the PD is lousy - 15 years
    If we get MORE bad legal advice - 15 years

    And I dont' know that he could handle it. He's fairly stable right now considering. But even I'm having trouble sleeping thinking of him turning 18 and going to jail until he's 33.

    I wish I knew the law or something to get the charges dismissed. They are really so bogus. And that's what makes me think HERE have a 50 - you may not get to see the ocean for al ong time (pause to choke up) and THAT is what is killing us both.

    I KNOW if I were rich - these charges would be gone.

    I really dislike this state.
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Star, go with your gut. Give him the money with some lousy excuse. Consider how you would feel if you did not give him the money and he gets jail time? I am sure you already have thought of that, and if I were you I would be a mess. Dude sounds like he has made lots of progress, and has been thru too much in his young life. I am tearing up just thinking of it and I know so little.

    Hugs. That is all I can do. I have not been there done that, and I sure hope I will never be there.
  9. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Star I'm with BBk on this one. I'd sit him down and say "dude, I've noticed you've really been stepping up to the plate lately and doing what you need to do. I want that to continue. But everything in life is a give and take. I wanted you to know I see your progress and I'm going to reward you for your effort with some money since you've never been on vacation before. As I said, however, everything is a give and take. I want you to CONTINUE to make this great progress so I think the wisest thing for you to do is leave your probation money home with me so you are not tempted to spend/screw it up. Since you will have money already there is no need for you to take it now. Fair enough?"

    How does that sound?
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree, give him the $50, but only on the condition that you hold his so he won't be tempted to spend it. Sending mommy hugs to you, Star. Lump in my throat too!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others. Isnt his birthday soon? Hold his money and give him beach money for his birthday. Or...just tell him to spend what he has and give him the 106 as a birthday gift.
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Give the boy the money. He has been trying to do better. He came and visited you and didn't ask for anything. Just let him know it's for his good choices. And the beach will be beautiful next week! Wanna come stay with me and we'll go spy on him!
  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'd give him the money. He HAS been working hard and he HAS been making improvement. He's only 17 and he has a lot more debt responsibility than most kids his age. Yes, his own doing, but everyone deserves a reward now and again. I think he's earned it. (I'd also do it on condition on holding his money for his fines.) Especially with our kids who tend to give up pretty quickly if they don't see a reward, Know what I mean?? I'm proud of the progress he's making.

    Keeping you and Dude in my thoughts and prayers.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yep. Take the money he has saved and give him 50 bucks to spend.

    It might be different if Dude was blowing everything off and simply not trying to stay out of trouble and make things right. The kid has been trying. You've seen some improvements.

    Let the kid enjoy his first vacation ever. Hand him the money and tell him how proud you are of him, and tell him to have a wonderful time.

  15. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Okay, he is going with fosters to the Beach? Is this the same fosters who gave him so many things when he first came to them? If so, why does he need beach money? I mean going to the beach is all about sitting out in the sun, playing in the water and maybe an occasional icee to cool off........won't fosters be able to spring for that? Certainly if they are taking him aren't they springing for lodgings, food, and occasional ice cream? Are they making conditions for his "vacation"? Guess I would be a tightwad and not give much money, maybe $20 if you can spare it. He needs to learn the tough lesson that only HE can save $$$ to pay off probation fees. This is the life he has chosen. At some point he has to learn that the "fun money spending vacation" comes AFTER he has fufilled other money obligations. And frankly is he buying some goofy T-shirt or what that he doesn't really need? Not really trying to be the voice of gloom and doom, but isn't this sending him the message that if I need some dollars, just ask Mom and lay on the guilt trip that I've never been on a beach vacation? In the end only you can make the decision of what YOU are willing to do. I don't have all the facts or the emotional investment to tell you what you ought to do, just know you need to feel comfortable with what you do.
  16. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Well Starbie...

    Here is my .02. I would hand him the money and at the same time have my other hand outstreched for his $100 to hold for him. :)

    If we did what we "should" do as far as detachment all the time.... none of us would be here. :( We Mom's are strange creatures.

    I hope he has a wonderful time at the beach... :hawaii_girl:

    FLEAS?????????????????????? :cool_dog::nonono:

  17. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member


    A responsibility that goes along with working hard, is putting the paycheck where it needs to go. It is not always a "feel good" thing.

    The fact of the matter is that obligations need to be met before $$ can be considered available for discretionary use, like going to the beach. Otherwise Dude is talking the talk and not walking the walk.

    I can tell you have some guilt feelings about Dude not having been able to go on vacation when he was with you; who wouldn't? Don't give yourself the responsibility of making that up to him now, no one will learn anything positive from that.

    If you want to provide money to him, give him work to do in exchange - make it a fair market value deal. That way you both are benefitting.

    While it's a fine line, I wouldn't give him the chores to do if I had the slightest notion that he was going to use the funds for the beach trip BEFORE his probation obligation was taken care of.

    This is kind of a learn now or learn later thing. I think each time the learning is put off 'till later it is like taking one step forward and more than one step backwards.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I'd probably give him the money on ONE condition...within a certain time frame he matches the money for his probation bill. This may or may not happen. If it doesn't, you just have the chalk it up to trying to do a good thing.

    Now. Not to let him off lightly, but it has been my experience that whatever they are threatening as jail time never comes about. J was supposed to do life for the 3 strikes law, but was out in two years. Go figure. Not that I'd like him to do life, but the system is so overloaded they get them out of there as fast as possible. They find every possible loop hole to let them go. Shoot..murderers don't even get 15 years.

    Let him have his one vacation.

  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well Well .....WELL>>>>>>>>>.ARGH......

    Got to the fosters house - Dude wasn't there to greet us.

    His puppy was lying in sand, covered in fleas, outside, filthy and in 100 degree heat. NOT IN MY BOOK, but not my dog.

    WhymeMom - you and DF were thinking alike on this. They GET plenty of money to take care of him. And they rented a house - so they are on the beach. His concern was give Dude cash and he'll get into trouble. So we talked with fosters about how hard he's been working and.....they laughed.

    They told us he is the laziest teenager they have ever seen - except for today, which he did work hard, but ONLY today.

    They called him home and he has NOT saved a nickle towards his probation fines. Grrrrr. We asked him to show us the money he had and he said he had not gotten it yet. He told me he had about $75.00. The fosters asked if HE thought todays work was going to pay $75.00? He got angry and left the room.

    We did take $50.00 to give to him, but he couldn't even stand still for 5 minutes and sit down to talk to his parents to get - the beach towel, sun tan lotion, new sun glasses, croakies, and camera we were giving him. He shoved it all into a plastic bag and said "i gotta go" and ran out the door. (His girlfriend was outside) and he left us sitting in the fosters house talking to them -and well....we ALL had better things to do than discuss how lazy Dude is.

    We walked outside, and DF said to the fosters "I'm going to hand you $25 for Dude to spend on himself. Originally we were going to give you $50 and i was going to kick in $25, but we thought he had been doing what he was supposed to here, and with his puppy." They agreed he took good care of the puppy but had been leaving her alone more and more. According to how they keep their dogs - this seems normal. To them dogs are dogs. They have fleas, they have a shepherd, a rottie and 5 indoor smaller dogs - the yard is infested, the house is infested and our poor granddog was lying in the sand/dirt, covered with fleas, and so hot it took her almost 30 seconds to wake up. Since she's been with us - that is not the case.

    We took her and got her puppy shots (1st set), gave her a flea bath, got her Frontline, and Heartguard. She has to go back to that and be outside she's going to need it. But she LOVES the grass and attention at nammie, and Grrrrrrrrandpa's. She also found she likes to sleep with me curled up next to my chest. She's 8 weeks old. Adogable and 1/2.

    So I guess I am at that place where you wonder HOW do you handle your heart when your difficult child has lied to make himself look good, and has not been working - yes going to school, yes taking care of the puppy in a way, but still sneaking out, and lying. You would think he'd have enough of sneaking out that's what caused his other charges to stick - he was wrong place, wrong time and couldnt' tell you what he was doing out at midnight on a moped. You think maybe he's a vampire? The beach should be GREAT for him then.

    So now we have a liar, a puppy, and a decision to make at the end of the week - if we give her back and they don't spray the yard - or treat their dogs - the preventative can't be that good can it? Sigh - why do difficult child's have kids or furkids anyway? To perpetuate the madness?

    Howling mad - literally. I think I shall hide her. lol. DF said at first WE HAVE TO GIVE HER back - 3 days later - he says - We're going to talk to your daddy when he gets back (in puppy talk) maybe he means SUMMER at Nammie and Grrrrrrampa's!

    Oh Gosh I'm demented.

  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I'm sorry. It hurts when you learn how much they have lied to you. Every time.

    It sounds like you may have a new furbaby, in addition to the possumbaby (who is temp until he can be rehabbed adn set free?). How do you feel about having another doggie??

    You have to do what YOU and DF are comfortable with. If you feel he is nto treating her well, and you have enough animals, then maybe you need to make him find her a new home?? Maybe the foster's ahve an opinion on that??

    It is good that you and the fosters talk. I am sorry Dude was such a jerk.