Need ideas

[tiredmommy]

We live in a fairly small house and Duckie has developed the habit of eavesdropping on husband and I. What I need are some ideas for outrageous topics for husband and I to "discuss". The hope is that she will either be caught eavesdropping when she confronts us with what she overhears or she decides it's in her best interest not to listen in on us.

Help, please.

 

[HaoZi]

Using a shredder to turn old books, magazines, and bills into cat litter. Add in colorful ways you think the cat might react.

 

[Josie]

Maybe you could be a little flirtatious. That always sends my girls running!

 

[Andy]

You are going to have your driveway repave this Spring and need to choose what color it should be - try neon yellow or green. Then, it may clash with the house so maybe you should look into reshingling to match the driveway.

You need another room in the house - wonder if you can remodel to make that walk in closet Duckie's new bedroom so you can use her room as a storage room?

Start planning her future as a cake decorator - wonder what kind of clients she would have? What interesting theme cakes would she make? A golf cart for Arnold Palmer, a microphone for Alvin the Chipmunk, an apple for her teacher, ect. ect. ect.

What type of person you would like her to become. Characteristics as patient, kind, gentle, one who doesn't eavesdrop, ect.

 

[HaoZi]

Maybe you could be a little flirtatious. That always sends my girls running!

Oh yeah, parents aren't supposed to do the things that make more kids! *snort* Especially with a lot of mushy pet names.

 

[Marguerite]

I was also going to suggest discussing sex, in sufficient graphic detail. Like the time I took my teen difficult children shopping for condoms (they sell them in the supermarket here, on the shelves beside deodorant and toothpaste, the next aisle from peanut butter and Vegemite). I was loudly discussing the merits of flavoured vs unflavoured, warned them away from the banana flavoured ones. I also pointed out various people's comments on ribbed vs non-ribbed. We then paid for them at the checkout (very red difficult child faces) and once home I showed the kids where they were kept and welcomed them to help themselves. They never did.

Other things to discuss - difficult child's adoption. My sisters used to tell me I was adopted; I was really a little pig that had been adopted. Every time I raised a logical objection, my sister countered with a logical explanation.
"What about my tail"
"Oh, we had it amputated."
I don't have a piggy nose!"
"Yes you do - see?" and she pushed the tip of my nose up and dragged me to a mirror. "And you have piggy eyes, and you squeal just like a pig..."
At which point I demonstrated the squeal by telling, "Mum!"

Or you could discuss the bodies you have buried under the foundations. Or the bank robbery you're planning.

Whatever you talk about, it either needs to totally turn her off eavesdropping, or it needs to pique her curiosity so much that she HAS to ask you more, and in doing so, gives away that she was listening in.

It's like that wonderful joke about St Peter & God watching a priest who was so desperate to play golf one Sunday, that he called in sick and then snuck out the back with his golf clubs. As they watched him play, St Peter said to God, "Are you just going to let him get away with this? It is scandalous!"
God replied, "Don't worry, I am going to punish him really, really severely."
Just then, on the most difficult hole in the course, the priest gets a hole in one.
St Peter says to God, "You call that a punishment?"
God says, "Yep. Who's he gonna be able to tell?"

Marg

 

[smallworld]

Maybe you should go so far as to hint that a new sibling will soon be making his or her arrival. That ought to get Duckie's attention pretty quickly.

 

[tiredmommy]

All great ideas! Thank you! Please keep them coming as we all know it can be awhile before an obvious lesson is accepted by a difficult child.

 

[KTMom91]

Discuss texture, color, and odor of the latest bowel movement. That always sent Miss KT running.

 

[HaoZi]

The love lives of earthworms. The architecture of termites (who figured out central heating and air long ago). The Kraken. Random Weird Al quotes. Songs you long forgot from your youth (and others you wish you could). Anything so silly that an eavesdropper couldn't stop themselves from laughing and giving themselves away.

 

[susiestar]

Why not go into great detail on whatever she is doing that is upsetting you or annoying you? Discuss how you plan to change her wardrobe to resemble clothing warn by nuns or the amish - absolutely NOTHING sensible. Then work on some lessons on whatever BORING topics you can find (history vhs tapes, online lessons, etc.... esp in subjects she does NOT like) and every time you catch her eavesdropping either give her a lesson to do (must be done before her swim class, dance lesson, dinner, etc... because if she has time and energy to eavesdrop she clearly needs to be more challenged academically) or give her a chore like scrubbing the bathtub or garbage cans or weeding for 20 mins or something.

If you combine that with topics like moving her into a closet so you can have an 'adult play room' - lots of info about possible activities with an emphasis on sex, of course, painting the house something embarrassing, changing her clothing and hair style to something that will upset her, etc.... you will get through that eavesdropping is NOT acceptable. We have done this with thank you recently, though the only one he eavesdrops on is Jessie, lol.

 

[slsh]

Smallworld gave you my first thought, LOL.

You could discuss your impending move to Bora-Bora.

How you're selling the house to get an RV so you can educate difficult child on the road.

You're thinking of dying your hair pink - what does husband think about it? Oh... he wants you to get a nose ring too? Okay, but only if he gets a tat of Mickey Mouse on his neck. Great - you'll make the appts for this weekend.

The possibilities really are endless. I'd go for really outside the box kind of stuff.... and don't forget to order feed for the goats you guys are getting to keep your lawn trimmed so you can be more "green".

 

[Mamaof5]

Hmmm...

Topics to discuss:

How to flatten flatware with a flat iron... it's flat enough.
Maybe the cat needs hair straightening, his\her fur isn't straight enough like the flatware...
Did you see that? (him: what?) THAT! (him: What's that?) ...keep it going.
What's the difference between eggshell white and off white paint. Theorize what they do to make them slightly different shades and if it looks at all different to some people or not.

Warning: May look crazy to children if you do this...I know mine gave me funny looks for the flatware one.

 

[busywend]

I guess I am too mean. I was going to suggest discussing sending Duckie to boarding school........not funny.....oh well - I tried!

I think the flirting will do it.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think some pretend sexual hi jinx is called for. She is old enough to know what you are doing and just at the right age to go...ewwww.

When you know/think she is eavesdropping, you start the oohhhing and the ahhing and making the bed shake and the headboard knock into the wall. Put on the best porn show you can. Go for a 15 minute fest or so. In the middle say something about how you hope this gets another little baby in the family...lol.

When you come out from your room, fix your clothing like you are patting it back in place so no one will know where you have been. Look a bit sheepish.

Im betting eventually Duckie will ask you if you are having a baby.

 

[donna723]

busywend, I had that same idea!

It would be sort of mean but it would get the message across. If you knew she was eavesdropping, you could suddenly start discussing, in great detail, something that she would have to comment on, something drastic enough that she would have to admit that she had been snooping! You could start discussing (in stage whispers) your plans to send her away to a strict boarding school where the students have to take a vow of silence and wear only black, maybe in Switzerland! Or talk about how the family is going vegetarian and from now on will be eating only grass dug up out of the back yard! Or start talking about a little brother or sister in her near future! No way would she be able to keep quiet about that, and then when she speaks up about it, you can yell, "GOTCHA!!!"

 

[Fran]

Make a loud noise. I'll lend you my airhorn. Negative consequence to a behavior.

 

[AnnieO]

Let's see... Whenever we want Onyxx to leave the room, we kiss. Not a peck, but probably not exactly what she thinks it is, anyway. Or we make some sort of comment that is perfectly clean but she takes wrong... Due to tone of voice...

At one point she had taken Jett's noise amplifier thing (when she was doing spy duty for BM). Unfortunately... A lot of husband's and my late-evening conversations get pretty silly. For instance - talking about one of the furbabies - catastrophy, catalyst, catalog, catatonic, catnap... Anything that had the word "cat" in it. We got treated to a loud sigh and a flop onto the bed. (What she wanted was to hear us talking about something that would be useful to BM...)

Now, of course, we just tell her to go turn her radio on "or you'll get to hear something you don't want to"...

 

[SRL]

I think you should teach him the lyrics and dance moves to a 70's disco song, like Dancing Queen.

 

[shellyd67]

Whenever "big ears" are around, husband and I start talking about our taxes. Both kids scatter immediately !