Need my board's support........

[Steely]

I have not been on as much lately, for a lot of reasons - and I suddenly realized this morning that perhaps that is one of the reasons for my unrelenting depression. For this void inside of me, for this emptiness, and loneliness. I have always leaned on all of you for every step of my journey - and then I kinda stopped for a bit.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. For the first time, ever, ever in my life I feel like I might be having a nervous breakdown. I am not acting like my "normal" depressed self - but I am angry, paranoid, panicked, and not thinking clearly. I am working with my t-doctor and p-doctor........but I am not sure what else to do.

I feel like the wave of trauma I have kept at bay for the last year, has just swallowed me whole. It seemed to get worse when this guy at work started stalking my friend. This is the exact same time last year when H was being stalked and then she died.

So I guess to make sense out of this for myself - here is a run down.

~This guy at work stalking my friend kicked me into high gear. And then I became consumed with the thought that since this guy knew I told her to break it off, he might start targeting me, and that now I am not safe. (Furthermore my neighbors right next door are dealing drugs and felons - and I know I am not safe.)

~Then I started having flash backs from H.'s death; and why wasn't the reason for her death was ever found; and why am I the only one who can or will re-open the case to find out what really happened; and how can I ever forgive my parents for sealing me from her investigation? And then out of the blue her best friend started emailing me, talking to me about how much she misses her.

~And then I find out Friday that there is a new director at Matt's program, and her past history is as a director for the CEDU of family services (CEDU has at last a dozen or more former lawsuits against it for abuse. These are the programs rotsne talks about incessantly - however this was about 7 years ago - and she was not directly involved in any of the centers with lawsuits.) None the less, panic, fear, this desperate need to control, and make sure Matt is safe.

~In addition no one will call me back from Matt's program except on my one scheduled weekly phone call. Matt and I are still not able to talk without a counselor member present - and only three times a week. On our last phone call Matt apologized for implying to me that there was a problem with transportation there, and that his counselor told him not to tell me such things because if I get "too wound up" I will not be able to have a visit with him in March.

As I write this I am panicky, shaky, short of breath. I feel this horrible, horrible sense of doom on the horizon - that something is going to happen to me, or Matt. And I cannot shake it or find peace. I desperately need to talk to Matthew, see him, hold him, know he is OK. And yet I am held to the guidelines to keep my distance from him because this program thinks we are too co-dependent. If I breech those guidelines I could risk getting him the help he needs by making things worse - or I could be protecting him. I have no way of knowing.

And then, as the final straw I got in trouble yesterday at work for being a B. - which as you all know has been a toxic place since I started - and everyone my boss is a HUGE B., so is it any wonder I am full of her venom? And then a guy I had been dating off and on for 3 1/2 years (more off) tells me there has never been anything more than in this for him than sex. Nice, classy, special. But I let myself be used by him. I knew/know that. So I am the one that let myself once again be victimized.

OK, now that I have written a novel. Sorry.

I gotta make this panic feeling go away. Somehow. It does not matter what I say, or do, or what medication I take or don't take, it is still there.
Thank you for you listening and praying for me.

 

[Lothlorien]

Steely, I think you might be really unstable. You've said "breakdown" before. You have too much on your plate. You might want to go to the ER. In fact, I really feel strongly that you should.

 

[bran155]

Oh Steely, I am so, so sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree with Lothlorien, maybe you should go into the hospital. You need a break!!! You need to be stabilized. I know you probably do not want to go but it sounds like you NEED to go. You need to take care of yourself hun. How are you going to be any good to anyone else if you fall apart??? You matter, your stability matters just as much as your sons. You have given me so much support during my hell. You are a good person and deserve to find peace. Please, please go to the ER!!!!

You are carrying an abundance of stress and your feelings are very justified. Life is hard for "happy people", for us it is 10 times harder!!! However, you do not have to live in such darkness. There is help, you need to seek it ASAP. Please!!! You are a vital part of this wonderful community. We need you. We need you to take care of you!!!!!

I did notice you haven't been around much. I left you a short message on your page a few days ago. I missed you. You always give me such great advice, you always make me feel better when I am feeling down.

I will absolutely keep you in my prayers. God bless.

Shawna

 

[JJJ]

Steely,

First, (((hugs))) you have been through so much this year. It would knock anyone off-course. Please go to ER. I think you need more intensive help to get stabilized. We are here for you whenever you need us. Please keep checking in as we care about you.

 

[Steely]

I appreciate the ER thoughts guys.......but I will not go to an ER. I have a million reasons as to why, but I won't. Yet another one of my demons I think I have talked about before on here.

I will continue to call my dr and therapist until we get this right. I am not suicidal or homicidal so no ones safety is in jeopardy - I am just barely functioning. I just need everyone's help, prayers, & advice during this time.

I am trying to find a new job, currently.........so that is a start somewhere.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

You've been thru so very much in such a short time, and all of this coupled with past trauma, no wonder you're your brain is stuck in fight or flight on overdrive. I also don't see a stay in hospital as a bad idea. A break from the stressors, a chance to get stable, some time to take care of yourself.

I know you're worried over Matt. But at the time you made an informed decision, and you should trust it. He is where he needs to be with adults watching over him.

You need to think and focus on YOU for awhile. There is nothing wrong with that.

((((hugs))))

 

[susiestar]

PLEASE keep in CLOSE contact with your therapist and psychiatrist. I know you have issues with ER's, but you sound very much full of anxiety and obsessing over H's death and Matt's safety. And your own safety.

I am sorry the guy was using you. Now you know and can look for something else.

Just know that we care about you and worry about you. And if you don't take care of yourself we are going to be very upset with you.

Can you send Matt letters that are not read by the staff? Or do they read all his mail? I think, if you send it through the US mail they are not legally allowed to read it.

If you can send him a letter that only he can see, you might put in a code phrase that seems innocuous but means "Hey Mom, there is a HUGE problem and I NEED you." You have to be able to trust that he won't abuse this. But something like the X that we did reminds me of the elephant we saw at the zoo. Or some other innocent sounding phrase.

It is one way you might be able to stop worrying about him. But ONLY if you can trust him not to use the phrase just because he is mad or doesn't like what is going on.

Sending hugs.

Susie

 

[Hound dog]

We must have been posting at the same time.

If hospital is not an option you want to use yet, you'll have to focus on re-training your brain to stop seeing everything as a threat. been there done that A pup that will grow into a big protective dog might help with the nervousness of the neighbors. (also a few anonymous phone calls to the police dept on their activites) A anonymous phone call to the landlord if they're renting would also be pro-active. A good sound self-defense class may give you back some of your self confidence, while also giving you good sound ways to help protect yourself. (not a bad idea for any woman these days) And it's a good work out for some of the emotions you're feeling especially the anger.

That you're looking for a new job is a good first step. That place has been toxic since you started.

Baby steps might be required at first and that's ok. Any progress is better than no progress. As you accomplish each small goal you set for yourself the old confidence will start coming back, as well as the feeling that you are once again reclaiming control over your life.

You are always in my prayers.

((((hugs))))

 

[Steely]

yea...........baby steps.

I just called my urologist of 22 years - 22 years I have seen this guy for my kidney problems. I just called because I have an infection and the nurse told me I had been "dismissed" as a patient and could not find a reason as to why. I know I should not take it personally, but I do - I have seen him twice a year for 22 years, he has done 3 surgeries for me - and I am "dismissed". Again, can't stop crying. This is what I mean. I know it is stupid to be this upset, but I am. I feel cut out of every portion of life as I know it, and I have lost the lives that I felt a part of.

I would take a leave of absence, but I am afraid not working would make it worse. You know, losing that structure?

 

[bran155]

You being upset over being dismissed by the doctor is NOT stupid. When you are feeling so down you become more sensitive. Things tend to sting a lot more. When I was depressed anyone and anything could hurt my feelings. I was crying over everything!!! I took everything personally. If the wind blew the wrong way I was crying!!! Spilled milk was a catastrophic event. It is just part of your depression.

I know that you are worried about your son. Don't read too much into what another member of this board has said about the abuse. My daughter has been in 3 rtcs and I was worried all of the time just like you. She would tell me horror stories and I would go up there and make a complete fool of myself. I later found out that what she said was just an exaggeration of what really was happening. While there is a risk of abuse in these kinds of facilities, it is not as common as some might think. These places are closely monitored. Your son is where he needs to be right now. He is safe. He is getting the help he needs. You would be more worried if he was out and about in the streets. An Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is definitley the lesser of two evils. He is getting treatment and cannot get into any further trouble. My suggestion to you would be to NOT read any more of the posts written by the member who is making you sick with worry!!!! Like you said, she has no first hand experience.

Hang in there. The sun will shine for you again, I promise!!!!

 

[Shari]

I don't have any advice, Steeley (other than Billy Bob's...seriously...) but I am sending major hugs and prayers.

 

[Lothlorien]

If you have an infection, you need to get to a doctor...even the ER(even though you don't want to). That could be causing some of the issues that you are currently having. Severe kidney/bladder infections, if not taken care of, can cause a multitude of issues, including severe depression and things that you are experiencing. Get into a doctor....soon.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely, I agree with Loth. If you can't get the dismissal thing cleared up...(most likely a mix up I'm thinking with another patient) get into an ER or even a fam doctor but get that infection cared for. If the ER is out, go yo g\fam doctor or urgent care.

hugs

 

[TerryJ2]

Aw, Steely,
{{hugs}}

First, find a new urologist. Worry about the dismissal later. (I've only known 2 people who were dismissed as pts, one didn't pay and the other was always late. If neither of these apply to you, it could be a glitch in the system.)
Second, stand up straight and try not to think about your jerk of a boyfriend. (I want to smack him!)
Third, maybe it would help if you could write Matt a letter, something general, just so you feel like you have contact with-him. I assume they allow you to write to one another because I remember a post where you said you read something he wrote.
Fourth, definitely see a counselor and keep talking to someone. Maybe get your medications tweaked.
Fifth, stay away from your boss if you can. You are vulnerable right now and she sounds like bad news. Just do your work and keep breathing.

Now, this next item would be first on my list, but I am not you. I like the idea of getting a dog, with-neighbors like that ... although how would you potty train a puppy when you work FT? I always go for rescues that are about a yr old. At least their bladders are big enough so they can hold it for several hrs.

I am so glad you were able to post here on the board.

 

[4sumrzn]

Sending my thoughts & prayers....many {{{hugs}}} too.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Steely, a physician who "dismisses" a patient without sending her a certified, return receipt requested notification opens him/herself up to an accusation of patient abandonment. It is also good practice to suggest the name of a different provider to take over the patient's care. Twenty two years is a long time. Has your insurance coverage changed recently?
You are having a horrible run of bad luck.

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Steely...I don't know what to say. Sending support, hugs, and lots of love. Whatever I can do, PM me. I'll be here.

 

[Steely]

Thank you guys.......
It is weird that you mentioned the kidney infection causing some of this, because after I posted that, I thought the same thing. So I went to a doctor in the Box and got a XR. I was supposed to get a certified letter, huh? That certainly never happened. It stunk going to a doctor in the box and telling him I have this rare kidney disorder that even he has never heard of when my original doctor knew everything. Lovely. None the less I have medications, and I will find a new doctor.

I talked to my counselor at length, and she really thinks that I have suppressed my feelings for so long about losing H, and the way in which I lost her, that it is now manifesting itself into these other channels like being obsessed with Matthew's care and safety, and having these panic stricken moments of abject fear. We will be meeting twice a week from now on, and I have called my p-doctor.

Then I finally got a phone call from Matt's p-doctor who thinks I am an over emotional, over invested mom and was mad because I had called him so many times. Nice. I probably am. But that does not make my abject terror go away for him to tell me that. I just feel labeled as a crazy mom.

I don't know guys. I guess I will work this out eventually - and thanks for making me think the sun will shine again.
(by the way - I do have 3 awesome dogs, 2 of which are 55 lbs, and somewhat intimidating. The annoying and unsettling thing is that they both HATE those neighbors, and every time their car door even slams (which is a lot) they growl. The other night the neighbors aberrant craziness, and consequently my dogs barking, kept me up half the night. However, I do feel protected by those little buggers.)

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh sweetie.

Hugs and prayers. I wish I could do more.

 

[Wiped Out]

Many hugs and continued prayers.