I have not been on as much lately, for a lot of reasons - and I suddenly realized this morning that perhaps that is one of the reasons for my unrelenting depression. For this void inside of me, for this emptiness, and loneliness. I have always leaned on all of you for every step of my journey - and then I kinda stopped for a bit. I am not sure what is wrong with me. For the first time, ever, ever in my life I feel like I might be having a nervous breakdown. I am not acting like my "normal" depressed self - but I am angry, paranoid, panicked, and not thinking clearly. I am working with my t-doctor and p-doctor........but I am not sure what else to do. I feel like the wave of trauma I have kept at bay for the last year, has just swallowed me whole. It seemed to get worse when this guy at work started stalking my friend. This is the exact same time last year when H was being stalked and then she died. So I guess to make sense out of this for myself - here is a run down. ~This guy at work stalking my friend kicked me into high gear. And then I became consumed with the thought that since this guy knew I told her to break it off, he might start targeting me, and that now I am not safe. (Furthermore my neighbors right next door are dealing drugs and felons - and I know I am not safe.) ~Then I started having flash backs from H.'s death; and why wasn't the reason for her death was ever found; and why am I the only one who can or will re-open the case to find out what really happened; and how can I ever forgive my parents for sealing me from her investigation? And then out of the blue her best friend started emailing me, talking to me about how much she misses her. ~And then I find out Friday that there is a new director at Matt's program, and her past history is as a director for the CEDU of family services (CEDU has at last a dozen or more former lawsuits against it for abuse. These are the programs rotsne talks about incessantly - however this was about 7 years ago - and she was not directly involved in any of the centers with lawsuits.) None the less, panic, fear, this desperate need to control, and make sure Matt is safe. ~In addition no one will call me back from Matt's program except on my one scheduled weekly phone call. Matt and I are still not able to talk without a counselor member present - and only three times a week. On our last phone call Matt apologized for implying to me that there was a problem with transportation there, and that his counselor told him not to tell me such things because if I get "too wound up" I will not be able to have a visit with him in March. As I write this I am panicky, shaky, short of breath. I feel this horrible, horrible sense of doom on the horizon - that something is going to happen to me, or Matt. And I cannot shake it or find peace. I desperately need to talk to Matthew, see him, hold him, know he is OK. And yet I am held to the guidelines to keep my distance from him because this program thinks we are too co-dependent. If I breech those guidelines I could risk getting him the help he needs by making things worse - or I could be protecting him. I have no way of knowing. And then, as the final straw I got in trouble yesterday at work for being a B. - which as you all know has been a toxic place since I started - and everyone my boss is a HUGE B., so is it any wonder I am full of her venom? And then a guy I had been dating off and on for 3 1/2 years (more off) tells me there has never been anything more than in this for him than sex. Nice, classy, special. But I let myself be used by him. I knew/know that. So I am the one that let myself once again be victimized. OK, now that I have written a novel. Sorry. I gotta make this panic feeling go away. Somehow. It does not matter what I say, or do, or what medication I take or don't take, it is still there. Thank you for you listening and praying for me.