need opinion

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by littlefoot, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    I've threaded here before regarding my son and cps and doing what they called family preservation because they had no Residential Treatment Center (RTC) opening yet, so I said ok. Well come to find out family preservation is actually for pretty much crack head moms who dont know how to care for their children. So here these people from the company cps contracts with come over to my house 3 days a week to see me and one of those times sees my son for 5 minutes to "make sure hes ok". No - its me you need to see is ok. Anyways they admitted they were confused as to why they were even coming over - as they could tell I wasnt their typical case. After contacting cps and finding out it was my sons psychiatric problems and behavior that was the problem - they asked cps for a behavior counselor for him while the medications start to work. They said no. So now I'm here with a 15 year old genius son who refuses to go to school, want to disrepect me terribly and no control. I called cps the other day and was going to turn him over to them and they walked out refusing to take him. Apparently, I didnt say the right words. ( I am unwilling to care for my son) So my sons gal is going to refile for dependency and he may have to go into a group home until Residential Treatment Center (RTC) opens up but I figure why not at least they can make him go to school. What other choices do I have? I cant stand to see him lie around on the couch all day especially with a genius IQ. And he doesnt know it but he'll regret not getting a diploma someday. He already says he quitting school when hes 16 cause he can. And then what do I do. Suggestions? Also, has anyone turned their kid to cps? and what happens when you do? Legalley are their repurcussions/ ie. will I have a record? I have a nursing license and I dont want to lose that.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome. First off, has he ever had a private evaluation to see what may be going on with him? Has he ever seen a Psychiatrist or neuropsychologist? Is he using drugs? Was he always this way? Any psychiatriac problems in the family?
    Other than that, I don't think that at 16 you can do much. He is old enough to nix treatment. If you turn your child over to CPS I am not sure what happens to you legally. We adopted an eleven year old boy and, after we found out one of them abused our younger kids, we told CPS we never want him back. He was very dangerous to them though so we didn't suffer any consequences as they agreed he shouldn't be there. I don't know if you can be charged with neglect or abandonment or what. Do you have a lawyer?
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi first welcome and there are alot of great people here who will offer alot of support.

    16 is rough age to begin with without all your dealing with. let me ask you this are you in fear for yourself physically has had ever been violent with you?

    this is something out of the realm of the cps which i'm not familiar with. it's called a pense petition in which is filed in family court at least here in new york. it is stating that you can no longer control your child and need assistance in doing so. my mom actually did it to me when i was 13 and i was placed in a group home. i was never diagnosed with anything i was just a problem teen ran away stuff like that. anyway she did not get in trouble services were provided and for free if i remember correctly. unfortunately i had a rough experience there was almost raped but there are alot of good ones.

    there is an agency that you should look up i dont know if they exist in other states other than new york jewish family services, their truly not a religious org. their a non for profit agency that assists with troubled kids, etc. they provide schooling support other services, etc.

    good luck
    keep us posted.

  4. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    He just turned 15. He was diagnosed with mood disorder- borderline - also dysmorphic. When I went to court for dependency the 1st time I was provided a lawyer but cps talked me into that fake family preservation just to get me off their back. Hes already on probation and has many truancies but p.o. doesnt violate cause I know she doesnt want to be the bad one. I dont care what he thinks of me, I'm already the meanest, worst, terrible b there is anyways, at least he can accuse me of it and I know im tryn to do the best thing for him. There is no reason for him to be here. He does nothing.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I sense your frustration and helplessness with the situation- are you venting and giving up on him out of thesee feelings- would you try something new and different if the opportunity arose- or are you completely done with him and just want him out of your house? In other words, are you giving up because you don;t know what else to try or because you wouldn't make any more effort even if there was another option?

    What region of the country are you in? What steps have been tried in the past? (Ie, medications, therapies, school accommodations, etc)

    If I'm asking more than you want to answer, it's ok, I won't be pushy about it- these answers would help some of us who don;t know you though, I'm not sure how to be supportive without understanding a little more about how things got to this point.
  6. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    My biggest concern is an education, and I know my son. If the school gives in and lets him come an hour later- he'll want 2 hours. I dont trust my son. He would do anything to be in this house on his own without me and do nothing at all. When anyone of authourity comes over he tells them what a bad parent I am but can't be specific. Of course not, there is nothing. I feel like hes tryn to turn the whole thing around and make me look like I'm the one who needs psychiatric help, in fact he tells me I do. He says I make up everything I'm telling others, ie. p.o. , doctors., judge. I don't make them up. Its all too real. I don't have a life. He will harrass me about everything until I'm so exhausted, I give in. Forget about holding things out, he'll wait them out, complaine and harrass while he does but will wait.. He has no cell, no new clothes, no cable no computer. He'll just sit around. I can send him to his room but he'll come out alot. And then on top of that doesn't go to school. So what am I raising. I cannot make him do anything. He doesn't help around the house, and now last night when I told him he needed to take his depakote he says he'll take it when he wants to. I cannot fight this any longer. Just writing this makes me wail up in tears. I feel like in cps care in a group home, they can make him do what he needs to. I can't. And now I'm really resentful because of what cps had me agree to with this family preservation stuff. It has nothing to do with my son and his disorders and what the jail psychiatric recommended. They come over and ask me questions like do I know how to take a bus or how to manage my money. I know the company cps contracted with is frustrated too but I thought cps was going to help us with my son's behavior problem. No- they tricked me and I am so mad. This just backed us up further when I was under the impression there was finally light. In fact in the hearing the cps lady says "oh yes we'll send a behavior specialist and he'll work with your son" bs - never happened. In fact they don't even have to talk to him. It turned out to be me and looking like I was negligent because I filed dependency. I like the girls who come to see me, but I don't know if I can answer there stupid questions anymore- do I know how to get clothes if I need them. CPS! LOOK AT MY SONS diagnosis. - MOOD DISORDER, BORDERLINE PERSONALITY, DYSMORPHIC. THIS IS WHAT THE GAL , PROBATION OFFICER, ME AND THE LAWYER SAID WE NEEDED HELP WITH. Sorry, I'm just mad now.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like you need, and thought you were getting, MST services. We just fought in court to get out of this, but we have a different situation. I'm not sure what or what hasn't been tried in your case but here are my thoughts-

    1) It sounds like a neuropsychologist evaluation would be very helpful, as MM suggested, if it hasn't already been done
    2) If the in home help was ordered through CHINS (Child in need of services and/or supervision- or whatever it is called in your area) you can file a complaint with GAL, or whoever ordered it- go to court clerk and find out procedure- that this was not adequate - you might have to go to a hearing and explain to the judge why you need MST services.
    3) If these services weren't provided as a result of CHINS- go to clerk's office and file for a CHINS. Tell them you need MST.

    MST will work with both of you but it will hold him accountable in all areas of his life- home, school, etc. If you file for it or otherwise take steps to let them know you do not currently have control over your son, they can't legally come back on you, I don't think. If they determine that he can't get things turned around while living at home, they will remove him and put him in foster care, group home, etc., so you need to be sure that you can accept this as a possibility.

    If MST is what they were supposed to be providing, you can complain about what was actually being provided.

    These are just my thoughts- others will have more suggestions and other experiences that might offer more insight.
  8. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    I think that is the impression cps wanted us to think we were getting. The gal said he would refile for dependency and before you go in front of the judge everyone meets in a room and discusses the situation.
    At that time I will tell them how they messed up. I am ready for my son to leave. By the way he says when I don't give him money he has to go out and get it anyway he can and that I put him in a dangerous spot. And he says its not selling drugs. He does come up with money. I think either burglarizing or prostituting. When I tell the p.o. this shes curious to as to how hes getting the money but pretty much buries her head in the sand - hes violated his probation so much by truancies each time that I usually get cited first before she violates him. And for that I pay 50 dollars a month! This is another reason to turn him over. To protect him from hisself. I just hope the gal doesn't neglect doing what he said he'll do cause he told me he was really busy. Emotionally I am drained. I go on as if I'm ok, but I'm not.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Just my opinion, but I would push for them changing this therapy or whatever they sent to providing real MST. For one thing, I think it will show your son that you are taking ACTION, not just REACTING to his manipulation. For another, I think it would go over better with everyone involved and, at some point in the future, if you ever ask yourself if you tried everything you could to make things change before removing him from the home, you will know that you have.

    That's just my opinion, based on how I think and experiences with my difficult child- your situation is different so you need to choose what feels right for you and yours- Keep us posted!!
  10. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    What is MST?
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It stands for Multi-Systematic Therapy. I don't know that I'd call it therapy- it seems to me to be more of an intensive intervention into difficult child's life- every aspect of it, too. They send one person to your home (same person each time) to get the background, then this person goes to meetings with you at school- IEP meetings if he's on one- and supposedly gets school and you on same page with difficult child, the person finds out what difficult child is doing in neighborhood, and helps you develop a behavioral contract for difficult child. He will discuss rewards and punishments for the contract with you and difficult child, monitor how effective it is and discuss other possibilities with you. They start out meeting with you about twice a week or more- at your home. Well, sometimes it can get to a point where it seems like he's telling you how to raise your kid, but the idea is that they tell you ok, this hasn't worked, try doing it this way, etc. They will be reporting to the PO and judge how compliant you, and primarily, difficult child are with this process. If nothing else, it sounds like in your case something needs to happen to get this turned around- it sounds like a very negative, self-perpetuating (sp) circle- MST will definitely throw a wrench into difficult child's life- and yours.

    And, based on what you've posted, if MST didn't work or help and difficult child was removed from home, everyone, including you, would know that you were cooperative and tried to work with everyone to get him turned around.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PS- Under different circumstances I'd probably laugh beause it sounds lijke you got the in-home help that I was trying to get last year and I got the MST guy who was a pain in my A** but who could probably really help you-

    Oh, the ultimate goal of MST is supposed to puut the parent back in control of their difficult child and household.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What is "dysmorphic?" I thought I heard it all, but that's a new
    I agree that at his age the best you can do is get him into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so he'll have to do things or lose privledges. It's not a cure, but maybe they can figure out why he is the way he is and help him. At best, at least you get a rest from him. You've earned it.
    Even kids with high IQs can fail at life, sad but true. Often it is because of an underlying disorder. Is he on medication? Do you know if he uses recreational drugs? Pot can make one very lethargic and uncaring and unambitious.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is he on medications? Can you do a signature with diagnosis's and medications and treatments? I'm wondering if you have other children, married, etc... You can do that at the top of the page by clicking on "User CP". Is it possible he's selling his medications? I would be all over the school to coordinate with his PO on the truancies for violation.

    Your son sounds a lot like mine at that age. His IQ tested at 135, so the world owed him. Sorry, babe, mine tests at 142 and I have a lifetime of experience to add to that number. Trumps IQ and naiveté every time. When we would tell him to just do his homework and get a decent grades and we would send him to college to be whatever he wanted, he'd sneer at us and say "I want to be a prostitute selling my body on the street to fat old men so I can support my crack habit." He'd say it as though that was what we expected him to be if he didn't get an education. In classes or therapy when they would talk about careers, he'd say wanted "to be a pirate or a gangster." This was before the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. After we had moved him out of the house (when he assaulted his dad) we were attempting a reconciliation with him (because it was required of us by the courts) and his homework for the week was to think about what he wanted to be so he could do some college planning, and it couldn't be a pirate or a gangster. He came back the next week with "philosopher."

    I really liked the therapist we had at the time. He didn't pull any punches with any of us, and "philosopher" didn't make him blink an eye. He asked M how he was going to use that in a job? M said "Well, I'm going to go to Japan and teach." Teach what? "You know, my philosophy." Well do they have jobs for that? "Yeah! You know! Like Aristotle! A philosopher!" We pretty much knew then he was an egomaniac and it was hopeless.

    If ever you feel threatened either by word or deed, you need to call the police and have him arrested. Tell them that you feel unsafe and he can not come back to your house. They will find him a bed. Get the school on board that his PO needs to violate him for non-attendance. They probably have a policy of suspension or to expell after a certain number of absences. The PO could not ignore a suspension or him being expelled. You will need someone on your side, and it sounds like the other agencies won't be there unless you force their hand. You have to find a way to do this.
  15. littlefoot

    littlefoot New Member

    body dysmorphia- means pretty much poor self body image. My son thinks the son spots on him are 3 ding and attacking him. He doesn't have that many but to him its a million. Yes hes on depakote started 2weeks ago, has to go back to doctor Thurs. He needs more. I try not to lose temper with him, but when he keeps sayn can't you see them , its like yah but I don't get it.Today he got up to go to school, after I woke him- he was late and even though he has good intentions of going at the last minute he looks in mirror and starts about how he can't stand how he looks - he hates it! Believe me, there is hardly anything there. He finally went after using the bathroom several times cause his stomach was upset and took an antacid and I know had to do with the stress of what hes going thru. Ameripsych girl came over today I told her what happened and how I feel. She understands and gave me ideas on how to handle his obsession. I know it will work sometimes but there are times he escalates so much because he doesn't see me do anything to help him get rid of them that I end of losing it cause there is nothing I can do to help him get rid of them. I know it mite be a matter of rite medications but I concerned about our relationship in the mean time. I just see it getting further and further downhill cause I'm not perfect and I can't act like I'm supposed to act all the time. she also told me to keep calling the p.o. and telling her every time hes late or misses school.