Need opinions on behavior modification technique

[witchiewoman71]

My Mom purchased the Total Transformation for me a while ago in an attempt to assist me with my oldest difficult child since whenever I call her upset she really doesn't know what to tell me. She always says I don't know what to tell you, honey. I never had that problem with you or your sister. You guys were a little mouthy, and had the typical teenage rebellion issues, but nothing like you are experiencing with yours.

Has anyone used this? What are your thoughts? I've listened to a portion of the cds so far and it makes sense, but the scenarios to me are a bit too easy. In their scenarios the kid actually backs down after a while and listens while the parent is talking, and does not interrupt. I keep finding myself thinking, it would not be that easy with MY kid.

Any thoughts you all may have would be appreciated.

 

[AnnieO]

It really depends on the child.

in my opinion... Total Transformation might work on a typical teen. Might.

 

[ready2run]

i think that program(and others like it) is made for normal kids who are choosing to behave poorly because they are spoiled or acting out, not kids that have mental health issues.

 

[wintak]

Oh, that's funny...see, if my kid DID stop and listen to me we wouldn't HAVE half these problems! But that's a good one.

 

[timer lady]

witchie, unfortunately that program promises a parent the world & delivers to a select section of children. Those children would be those with-o mental health issues.

Sorry, sweetie, others have attempted to use that program with little luck.

 

[TFL]

I'm brand new to the site. Can someone tell me what difficult child means?

We purchased the Total Transformation package for $400. I'm still seeking help!

 

[TFL]

nvm. I'm blonde and finally hovered over the abv. and I think I've got it now.

 

[Jena]

hi just jumped in and have never heard of that program ever! is your difficult child in therapy, if so maybe the therapist can offer some ideas as far as behavior mods to try at home......

good luck either way!!! sheesh if there were a cd that would fix it where oh where can i buy it?? LOL please point me in that direction!!

 

[witchiewoman71]

Thanks all for your responses...sorry it took so long for me to get back on here and check. My 8 yo difficult child had a "let's see who's stronger contest" with our neighbor's son and they were picking up cement benches in their garden...needless to say the bench won. My difficult child ended up with 2 broken fingers and stitches. He has to go to Nemour's down town here in Jacksonville to get his cast this week, so we've been a little busy.

I have listened to the CDs for the total transformation and like you all have said, it might work...it really seems like it would help for kids who actually stop and listen to what parents have to say, who respect rules, and don't go from 0 to nasty in .24 seconds...

I did do what some of you had suggested and got The Explosive Child. I tried to find it on audio..since i have hardly any free time I like to listen to audio books in the car on the way to work, etc, but no luck. I wanted it now while i'm on break from class, but the only thing I could find was cassette...can you believe that? Not even on CD...and definitely not in i-tunes. Oh well. Downloaded it to my phone and read a few pages whenever I get a chance.

I'm hopeful that I can get through to my oldest difficult child. She'll be 15 in July and is talking about driving...I told her not until she shows me she can be responsible with small things first..I am not letting her behind of the wheel of something that can take a life or hers until I can trust her.

We also found someone who can do a neuro psychiatric evaluation on her, so I'm happy about that! I'll keep you all posted when we get the appointment for that.

 

[susiestar]

We get questions about Total Transformations a couple of times a year here. I have NEVER heard feedback from ANYONE who tried it on a difficult child that was very good or positive. I know a few families that tried it on pcs and didn't get much results, but personally I think it was because they only did the parts taht they wanted to do and as soon as their kids got upset about it they went to their old patterns.

There are a LOT of these types of programs out there. Our kids wouldn't be difficult children if any of these programs worked on them, Know what I mean?? I wish I could say this worked super well.

The ONLY real methods that I have seen work well are the ones from The Explosive Child and from the Love and Logic books. What your Explosive child is Trying to Tell You is also a great book because it helps figure out WHY your child is exploding. Once you know that you can find the right tools to help stop the explosions.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

check the cps sites http://thinkkids.org and http://livesinthebalance.org

The way to go is to try and relax the atmophere and spend out of the moment one on one time talking about general non-emotive stuff , other peoples problems etc and introduce concepts like perspective taking , identifying concerns , brain storming solutions . This helps in then dealing with the emotive problems.

I hope this helps

Allan

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jen,

anything is worth a try as long as it is not harmful or destructive to difficult child or the family! We moms usually know what is going to work with our children. Your mom obviously loves you very much to have purchased the program for your family. I say listen the cds, read The Explosive Child and then customize based on results. My son, especially when younger but also now at 15.5, is most responsive to calm, respectful conversation where he feels he is being heard.

Constant yelling, badgering, picking, nagging, just don't work with him. For example, here's a conversation close to one we had a few weeks ago, "difficult child, since I'm going to be working more, I'm not going to really have the time to do some of the things I used to do when you were in school. I'm going to need your help on a few things." He actually asked me what I needed him to do. If I've asked him three times to do something, one thing I think about is was he really tuned in when I asked. Making sure there is eye contact is really important for our mutual understanding. Saying to him, "now difficult child, I've asked you three times to go ahead and get your stuff cleaned up in the computer room. How would you feel if you had to ask me three times to take you to the drug store to get one of your game cards and I didn't respond?"

I found that living and speaking by example are the biggest keys now that he is older along with mutual respect. When he was much younger the biggest, biggest, biggest key was clear, concise expectations set with him going into each scenario and setting the consequences just as clear (in other words, asking if he understand and having him repeat them) and FOLLOWING THRU.

It took some time, when he was younger, to develop the relationship to this point. It was a journey. But now that he is a teen, I'm so glad I put in the extra effort because it has made a huge difference in not only his ability to live within the boundaries of our house rules, but made it so that we are not arguing all the time which really takes a toll on the parent/child relationship.

And, trust me, my difficult child is as stubborn and single-minded as they come! He takes after his father in that

Sharon

 

[witchiewoman71]

Thanks, Sharon.

I appreciate your info. My house is so hectic sometimes...I have 2 difficult children, one almost 14, the other 8, and the easy child (so far anyway) is 2. My husband also has the ADHD issue and has abour zero patience...weekends can be so stressful around here. I have to REALLY try to keep calm and keep everyone calm too. It's not so easy...I get irritated at my husband because I cannot leave without coming home and having him in a horrible mood and my oldest just as crabby, my 8 yo looking confused and the 2 yo vying for all the attention...it's ridiculous being the only "normal" one around here...and that's not saying much...LOL. I have depression and social anxiety disorder..I'm not exactly the epitome of mental health, but I take my medications and vent on here and read my bootie off! Anything I can get my hands on I read that is about ADHD, ODD, parenting, etc.

What you all said about the Total Transformation I figured you would say...I had my misgivings. I feel bad that my Mom spent all the money she did on it, so I will try it and see what happens. She actually bought it for me a couple of years ago...I listened to the cds then also, but my oldest wasn't as defiant as she is now...so I figured I didn't need it. If there is one thing I've gotten out of it listening to all the cds is how to keep from going off on my oldest difficult child. I will tell you, she is the expert at pushing my buttons. She's pushed me before, saying the most hurtful, nasty things...things I NEVER thought my own child would say to me...especially to my face. I've lost it and slapped her in the mouth for it before...not my proudest moments for sure, but you know I'm human. After things calmed down I explained to her that I was wrong, apologized, and we moved on from there. She tried to report me at her school for abuse. Nice, huh? Good thing the therapist at her school knows our family, knows my husband and me, and knew it was a ploy to get even and manipulate the situation. Thankfully the school therapist is my neighbor and has known my kids since they were babies.

I will keep checking in here, and taking in all of your advice. I know you all have been at this longer than me, and I really do appreciate the time and responses. It is nice to know there are others out there who know how I feel. It is so hard to try to explain to someone who has never been through this what it is like. Even saying it, to my own ears, it doesn't sound that bad...I guess you just have to have gone through it, felt the tension in the house, lost sleep, felt like you were a failure as a parent, wondered what you've done wrong, looked at pics of your difficult child in younger days wondering where things turned for the worst and wishing you could have the time back to redo...

I hate being judged by my own parents, parents of other kids, my daughter's teachers, my family, neighbors, etc..I know they think I must not be giving her consequences, or I must not care, etc. My parents tell me I just need to give her a "good swift kick in the a**". Her teachers look at me like I am a neglectful parent because I won't get her assignments for her and babysit her to make her do them. She is going to fail again this year...but I simply cannot bail her out. Last year I allowed her to do summer school and virtual school so she could go to 9th grade. It turned out as I feared...she thinks she can get away with screwing around all year and still advance. The sad thing is they will not give her an IEP because they say she hasn't done any work for them to be able to evaluate what she needs help with...I guess they're right. She sits in class and takes up space most of the time...doesn't do her assignments, etc.

What people and teachers don't seem to understand is that I cannot bail her out. I cannot help her with this school stuff. If it were a matter of her not being able to do the work, then of course I would. She can do the work. She chooses not to. Doesn't like homework, so refuses to do it. The world is not going to make allowances for her. The cops won't say, "Well, ok, you have ODD and ADHD..we'll let you off with warning." A judge won't care if she has these things should she get arrested for something. Her future boss is not going to care either. If she doesn't do the tasks she is given when she gets a job, she will be fired...period. I"m trying to raise a responsible human being who can function in society! If her teachers think I'm uncaring because I am allowing her to fail so she realizes what she is doing to herself, then so be it I suppose.

I will say that this week has been rather easy with her. She wanted to do something this weekend, so I advised her what she needed to do in order to be able to have the outing she wanted. I spelled it in great detail this time, made sure she understood what I expected. I didn't just make a blanket statement like I usually do like, "You need to behave this week." I realized the error of my ways with that. That leaves way too much open for interpretation. What I told her this week was, "I expect you treat the family with respect. You have to be decent and nice. You also have to do your chores, and do them the right way, not just to get them done. If you can manage all of this by the weekend, then you can go." She successfully managed to do these things, so I know if she has something to motivate her, she CAN do it. she managed to watch her attitude also, she was actually pleasant. It was the easiest week we've had with her in I can't tell you how long. I have tried this reward stuff before and it hasn't worked. I guess she really is tired of sitting in the house. She has no phone, i pod, or much of any other privileges and hasn't had them for about 2 years now because of the grade issues.

I will keep plugging away! I know this was long, sorry...I needed to vent.. and I thank all of you for caring enough and taking the time to respond to my ramblings!

 

[witchiewoman71]

Thank you, Allan! Will definitely take a look/listen. I appreciate it.

 

[witchiewoman71]

Thanks, Linda. Well at least the one thing I've learned from listening to the CDs is how to keep MYSELF from losing it! I noticed if I escalate, everyone else around here follows suit, difficult children, husband, easy child...it's crazy. If my difficult children escalate, I try as hard as I can to remain calm, even, and to the point. I no longer have to argue with my difficult child. She will attempt all she wants, but I either walk away, or bite my tongue and let her keep talking without responding. Eventually she gets the hint and goes about her business. I hate the tension that is here simply from my oldest difficult child being in the house. It is such a relief when she actually does get to go somewhere! She's spending the night at a friend's house this evening. She actually for once did what I asked her to do and earned it. I am relaxed and calm. So...maybe the cds for the Total Transformation do have some benefits...if not for the oldest difficult child, than at least for me.