Need opinions on difficult child's using the internet

[emotionallybankrupt]

EB, the problem with allowing it with safeguards is her son has shown before that he is able - and will - go around those safeguards to get where he wants on the computer. Including breaking into a locked room and rebooting a computer to go around password protections.

Janet--I do see your point. My concern is wondering if klmno might "win the battle but lose the war" on the internet issue. If difficult child is so determined as to break into a locked room, wouldn't he just find another computer somewhere else in order to accomplish his goal?

I'd rather have the "problem" happening on my machine, where I might at least have some chance of finding out about it, than on the neighbor's machine, where I'd have no chance at all, or on the phone, which I'd not be willing to tap, etc.

I'd lock up the things I can lock up--my credit cards, my valuables, my medications.... But unfortunately I can't lock up the internet. I can only lock up one avenue toward access to the internet, and I'm not sure that helps much.

So...I'd still release the access but give no more access than I think it would take to prevent difficult child from going somewhere else for that brand of misbehavior. If difficult child has access enough to keep the frustration from going beyond mild annoyance, he might settle. But if home access if completely choked off, won't he just find access somwhere else, where there would be zero restrictions or safeguards? Just my thoughts on this. I know difficult child's are different, and klmno knows her difficult child better than anybody.

Spectorsoft.com has highly rated software also, for comparison.

 

[ML]

Whatever you decide I support you and I think this might be an opportunity for difficult child to accept your decisions and boundaries. One of the behaviors I'm working on modifying with manster right now is his constant pushing and nagging about boundaries I set. You have to do what you think is right and he has to learn to accept your decisions even if he doesn't like them. These kids wear us down don't they?!

 

[DammitJanet]

I see your point and normally I would agree totally. Even with my son I would have done what you are saying. What really worries me is that her son is already attempting to manipulate a bit before he even gets home to set up his own wants.

He is 15...he wants to be able to go out alone without her knowing where he is...because everyone else does it.

He is 15...he wants to be able to learn about condoms because everyone else does it.

He is 15....he wants computer access to the internet because everyone else does it.

He has also expressed that he wants to learn about drugs but he cant because he is on probation. Hmmm. I worry that soon he will be saying he needs a cell phone because everyone else has one.

How does one draw the line. I know how hard it is to stand firm. It is incredibly hard when they are standing there in your face telling you how everyone they know is doing XYZ and you are stuck thinking "Am I really being this hard on him?" been there done that and I made the mistake of saying to mine that well, if you will just pay the extra 10 bucks a month for the cell phone I will let you have it. Oh I got burned on that one! Wont do that one again.

It is so much easier to say no at first and then ease up and say ok than say ok first and take it away.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, ML! I see your point, EB, however that is how I was living before difficult child got incarcerated and it didn't solve anything either. Now that he's a little older and been incarcerated and on parole, I still will try to set appropriate boundaries and keep in mind thata he's still a difficult child, however I am not going to live that way again. If he comes out of Department of Juvenile Justice and I still need to sleep with keys in my pocket and a telelphone under my pillow, they can just send him right back in.

 

[klmno]

You snuck in on me, Janet!

I worry that soon he will be saying he needs a cell phone because everyone else has one

We've been there for 4 years. LOL! And I won't even begin to tell you how setting boundaries on that one time and time again (different boundaries, ways of earning trust, punishments, etc) played out.

Janet is right, EB- she's heard about our "goings-on" for the past 3 years. My son has been good about trying to work out terms that we really did need to cover (although we aren't completely finished with this yet), but now I think he's pushing that a little further and it's becoming "can I get mom to give in on this or that" and I think a lot of it is that he feels like he has a few friends in Department of Juvenile Justice that he's getting ready to leave and he is going by their ideas and what they might have been allowed to do and how he might be able to maintain contact once they are released, too. He has always felt like he didn't fit in with other kids so now he's taking the word of these boys in Department of Juvenile Justice about how to. I've tried to tell him this is not a good idea but he won't listen because I'm a mom, not a peer. This is another reason (not the only one) that I think getting thru his transition period before I consider cell phone, computer, etc is a good idea- hopefully he'll be focusing more on mainstream friends a few months down the road, not those stuck in the revolving door. I know I can't make that choice for him but I can encourage it and set limits that increase those chances, not decrease them.


I'll let you know how this conversation goes later today!

 

[DammitJanet]

You have a house phone. No need for a cell right now. If some are long distance he can mow the lawn to earn money to buy a phone card. Or god forbid...snail mail...lol.

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

I totally agree on the cell phone. I got burned on that one myself. What I DID do on that though, just for my own peace of mind, was to give difficult child an old cell phone of mine, which worked perfectly but was no longer activated. I mean BASIC cell phone without even a camera. I explained to her that she needed only to keep it charged in order to be able to call 911 in case of emergency and asked her to keep it in her purse. The phone was completely worthless unless she needed to call 911. Especially knowing that she was engaging in risky behavior, I wanted to know that, whatever happened, I had provided her with that resource. What was interesting to me was that she initially reacted in anger and tossed it in her room but later, quietly, did what I had suggested. I am thankful that she never had to use it, at least to my knowledge. It also helps me to know that, even though she no longer lives here, she still has that emergency phone unless she chose to get rid of it.

On the home phone, I don't know if most people know you can purchase a caller ID box that shows both incoming and outgoing calls. It records the phone number, whether it was incoming or outgoing, the time, and the duration of the call. It can be password protected so that others cannot access or erase that information. I don't know if they are available in stores, but they can be ordered online.

Good luck as you figure out how you need to manage boundaries with your unique difficult child. I think a mother's instinct is usually very reliable.