Need Opinions

[AllStressedOut]

I've been thinking a bunch lately about writing a letter to my difficult children bio mom. I've even started to draft it. Letting her know how the boys are, but letting her know that she can not write. That any communication they may stumble across could derail their healing. I'm going to ask her to open up her myspace publicly or create a new page, so I know how to find her. I want to write this for a few reasons.

#1. I want her to know they're okay. If it were me I would desperately want to know this.

#2. I want to ask her to clean her act up. When my difficult children turn 18 or even get old enough to drive, they're going to try to find her. If she isn't cleaned up by then, she could get them into a life of self medication.

#3. I want to do this for my difficult children. I won't tell them now, but when they become older teenagers, I will share it then. I want them to know I tried my best, for them. That I wanted to keep in touch with her so they could find her one day if/when she was clean.

What are your thoughts?

 

[busywend]

I can not see how this would be received favorably. I just do not think you can tell this person anything. She is a difficult child, right? Nothing you say is going to change her.

I say let sleeping dogs lie.

If the kids decide later in life, be willing to help them. But, not on your own and not now. IF she wanted to know how they were, she could find out.

Sorry, JMHO.

 

[AllStressedOut]

Don't apologize, I want honest opinions. I just keep thinking "If it were me" and I know I should think, "If it were me, I wouldn't be in her situation." My heart just keeps stopping at the "If it were me" part though.

 

[flutterbee]

I agree with busywend.

Asking her to clean up her act is not going to make one iota of a difference...especially if losing her kids wasn't enough to make her do it.

 

[Hound dog]

Not really a good idea, although I understand what you're hoping to do. If bioMom wanted to "clean up" for her kids, she'd have already done it. If she wanted desperately to know how her kids are, there are ways for a Mom to find out.

This is an adult difficult child. An addict and or alcoholic. If losing her kids wasn't enough to create the desire to get clean and sober, nothing you say or do is going to influence her. It is a decision bioMom has to reach on her own. She has to want it for herself or it won't work.

Personally, I wouldn't open that can of worms. You may get MUCH more than you bargained for.

Hugs

 

[Steely]

I am with everyone else on this one ASO. Take it from someone who has been trying to do this for years......it just doesn't work. These AH bio parents just simply don't care. It is mind boggling, unfathomable, and incomprehensible to parents like you and me - but that IS the hard core reality. There is absolutely nothing you can do - except - accept. Accept that this is the life she has chosen. She wants it, likes it, and has decided to keep it - and the best thing you can do for your kids is help them accept this as well.

One thing I have decided to have my difficult child do now that he is a teen is attend Al-Ateen meetings. I hope - not sure - but hope that this might give him some understanding into his addict father's head.......and help him finally accept his father for who he is......someone he cannot count on, somone who is completely self absorbed, and someone who, no matter how hard my son tries, will never be the father he wants him to be. This might be something you could start with your kids, if and when, they get older and want to understand why their mom did what she did. But you cannot do this for them. I know......it tears your mommy heart out.......I know.

 

[Fran]

I don't know this person but she may be touched that you care to let her know how the kids are doing. She may consider it a way of you smearing it in her face that she is a crappy mom. She may blow you off. I don't know. I don't think for a second you should tell her to clean up her act. It's really not your place and she won't listen.

Ask her if she would like to ask about the children. Leave her an option. I wouldn't offer too much.

 

[AllStressedOut]

In the letter I have written now, I just asked that she be in control of her life and be happy when the boys get to the age they want to find her. That she not be self medicating, so that my oldest difficult child doesn't try that path because he sees her in it, now that he has the possibility of the bi-polar diagnosis with her.

I think I've decided to write extremely honest letters and date them. I think I will keep them for myself. Then, when the day comes that they do seek her out, I can print them. This will log their lives now, while it's happening, rather than me have to remember every detail later on. Then the boys can give this to her if they want to, or they can just read it for themselves and see the strides they've made.

If it were me, as a mother, I'd want this type of communication now. But I need to keep telling myself, if it were me, I wouldn't be in her situation. I'm a different person and what I hold dear, may not be the same as others. I just have to keep reminding myself of that when I think about her. As a mother, I want to do what is best for my boys. Thats why I struggle with keeping in contact with her. Is it best I know where she is and how she is or is it best I pretend she doesn't exist?

I was thinking of having a specific day each week that we tell eachother stories about her. I use to know her well and I think talking about her in a good way would help them open up with everything. I don't know, I'm rambling now!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I was just going to suggest that you write and date them, and keep them for yourself. Whether you write them in the form of a letter or a journal entry, writing these things on paper help us work through them.

You are quite the inspiration, and if I wore a hat, I would tip it to you. However, I do not wear a hat. Gives me hat head. Hope you don't mind me tipping a bra strap to you or something. Seriously though, these kids are extremely fortunate to have you.

 

[AllStressedOut]

BBK, you can tip your bra strap to me anytime! I am not always wearing one, but if you have one on, you go right ahead! Thats sweet and gives me a great mental image now that I've seen your picture! Ooh la la LOL